Keywords:
monster,raving,loony,party,floods,flooding,prevention,chunnel,canals,dykes,dikes,ice,sales,farming,farms
The M.R.L.Solving Britain's Flood Water Problems
Well now, what with the recent floodings, and re-floodings occurring now virtually and in reality every year, something should be done about it. But of course the incumbent government has been laggardly in dealing with the recurring situations. There is a solution to the problem, a sound engineering solution, based on sound hydrological engineering principles, the very sound principles set down by the Romans. It all works and will work, on the basis of the Roman knowledge of hydrology, namely that water follows the rule of law written in hydrology that water must flow downhill, unless it is arrested by a rise in the land. Now Britain is up at the top of the world, and extends downwards, quite rightly, and properly with France and the French beneath us.
What needs be done, is quite simply, starting at the top, we construct,in the earth of course, a long line drainage canal extending downwards, towards and collecting at Dover. Why collecting, well there will be several branch lines joining the main artery canal,all part of a drainage canal system
Now the Collector, as it is called, where the water will be disposed of, is quite properly the Chunnel, to which the storm water will the be directed in to, continuing on, ever following the legalities of the Laws Of Hydrology, flowing downwards, and emerging in France, where it will be a French problem for them to deal with.
You recall a previous engineering plan of allowing the sewage of Great Britain to be collected and directed in to the Chunnel? Well, there will be no problem there as the Chunnel can accommodate both the sewage flows and the storm water flows,as some area cities already do have and share a common sewage/sanitation/storm drain system, so too can that principle be applied here, rather than separate, saving the costs of building another Chunnel...........a Pence saved is a Pound earned, until the government takes your pence.
Ever onwards, the M.R.L. solves problems through sound engineering principles.No problem there.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
As floods occur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, there existent, a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Floods
M.R.L. Flooding Solution
The government is in crisis, England is in crisis, England is flooding, and the government is England's crisis. Recent vents of flooding in Britain have touched me deeply, saddened me, disheartened me, having seen the vicious flooding in America's formerly Great City of New Orleans, and pondered the effects on the people of Britain. Indeed utter destruction was wrought in New Orleans, and was wrought in England as well.............no assistance was rendered, the people left to fend for themselves.
New Orleans was entirely the fault of a laggard American government, ignoring the pleas of the Mayor
and Citizenry alike, to expand,improve,shore up,renew and/or build new and more solid levees,quite simply, dyke structures. Britain's flooding is also the fault of a government laggard in it's behaviour, doing nothing to remedy the situation,the problems have continued to flood through governments past and present, as water through an American dyke. However there is engineering genius to be considered,British ingenuity, the adaptability of the British people in the face of adversity, all in the face of laggardly,inept, and ignorant governments which have allowed the problem to exist.
However, the problem can be solved quite easily with proper application of modern engineering techniques already existent.Indeed, I have THE solution.
It struck me quite plainly as I gazed on an amazing waterway,canal system, in Germany. I suddenly realized that one waterway crossed over the other, as a flyover, an overpass, one canal crossing above the other...............a canalway, in the sky, and in the ground. Well,here in Britain the idea will fly but the M.R.L. is more down to earth as are the engineering projects I endeavour to present. You see what needs be done is to live with both flood and non flood conditions. How? Well the German canal system is illustrative of this, it works, it's hardly leaking and collapsing as so many American unnecessary water canal projects do.Ours,however,is necessary. What we have to do, in each village and town, and interconnecting roadway, and within the towns, is to construct the roads themselves within walled dykes(I won't call the levees calling to mind the American travesty's of failed concrete walls). Now when it floods the water is contained within these canal roadways and channeled away when it's done, and back to dry road uses when it's gone. But how to live with this,how to maintain a dignified lifestyle? Well, quite simply it requires and adaptive change of lifestyle. All can be accommodated within any and all existent conditions, flood or no flood. Cars,vehicles, lorries, must now be of the amphibious type.
Recall the early amphicar,we all saw Branson's mucking about in one(no doubt a failed attempt to walk on water, the amphicar was as close as he could come).There are many varieties of such vehicles available. Look at the ingenious lorries the Cubans adapted to cross the sea to get to America. There are even yet amphi Recreational vehicles, allowing for caravan trips whilst in or out of flood conditions, indeed these can even be built as buses, for intercity, and in city transport of the population. Well now, we have accommodated transportation, business lorries, the common man's car, what of housing?
Well there are different approaches to actual housing for some may not prefer the amphi recreational bus vehicle. We can mount existing larger or smaller caravans, on barges(for those inclined to caravaning), and tether them to place,these will then rise and fall with the tide, or remain earthbound in event of non flood conditions,and so can still function as caravans in any and all conditions,allowing a waterworld,waterpark vacation in conditions of wet flood, and regular caravan camping in event of dry! Camp all around I should say! And,do! For those inclined to regular housing we can adapt as the Dutch have, with actual house type house boats, again tethering in place. What of larger edifices, well
the dying industry of cruise ships can be utilized and the ships transported to the flood areas and there they shall sit, or float depending on conditions,acting as buildings,apartments and whatever else form of other building is required.
Ah you say, what of air transit? Well, we do have, you know, existent, amphibious helicopters and yet aircraft of all types so each village can have it's own aerodrome-waterport, no problem there at all.
There, we have covered it all, solved it all, and easily with modern existent technology.Indeed the M.R.L. excels and revels in solving the problem which past and present governments have utterly failed at.The M.R.L. solution! Good for you! Good for us!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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MRL Proposal To Sell Ice To The Canadians.
What once used to be a joking phrase defining a certain kind of salesman may turn out to be prophetic, in my estimation when I achieved a monumentally profitable plot to sell ice to the Canadians, and so provide we in Britain with our fish and chips.
With the dwindling ice pack in the Arctic Ocean, the lives of Canadian Eskimos and polar bears are threatened by global warming.The Canadian government knows what they need.
What the Canadian Arctic needs is ice.But can they afford the real thing? Quite plainly it's
much too costly to set up ice making apparatus in the vicious environment of the Canadian
Northlands..........so if we are to turn a profit off of the Canadians and finally make the
colony pay, we must sell them an alternative which is much cheaper for us to manufacture.
I propose we form a company and start making artificial ice floes to place in the Arctic Ocean to give the polar bears platforms to hunt seals from.
We can make 4 foot thick Styrofoam sheets that look and function like real ice floes,which is much yet cheaper to a pondered proposal, that of using cheaper, but much more expensive than styrofoam, Brazilian wood(which would also save the rain forest and contribute to our reduction of Britain's environmental carbon footprint.)
So the Canadian Eskimoes are threatened because there are fewer polar bears, so we provide at a handsome profit the artificial ice flows such that the polar bears can sit on them, be threatened and hunted by the eskimoes who want to do that and require the polar bears for their sustainence, and the polar bears can threaten and hunt the seals, which the polar bears require for their sustainence, and so the reduced numbers of seals such that they do not consume the cod fish we require for our sustinance in Britain.
So we go in to mass production and sales to the Canadians of the artificial ice floes so we can save the polar bears,save the poor Canadian eskimoes, reduce the seal population and so save the cod fish we require for our fish and chips , all to the great applause of the world.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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M.R.L. Farming Policy
Once again, out here on the hustings, it is time to expound my highly superior farming policy,
one which will without a doubt please our farmers, presently in a farming crisis of having to work so very hard
for so very little recompense, in the efforts of the British government to feed the French cheaply. Rather
I propose a method by which our farmers will work very little, if at all, and receive grand
recompense and live the good and proper farming life as was meant to be. Now ever onwards with my policy....................
One of the problems facing Britain today, is the crisis in farming, farmers feeling they're just not
getting enough profit for the hard work they put in to growing produce,
whilst others make massive profits and live the high life of not working etc. off of them.
Food,vegetables etc., cost to grow, costs time and effort in planting, costs for machinery to prepare the
field, to plant, to maintain, to cultivate,costs for the necessary farm machinery and maintaining such
machinery. Top it all off, the vast majority of the produce is sold to the Europeans, by the government,
and there sold to their people there, cheaply. Well traveling here in the colony of Canada,aptly named
so as the Germans refer to this location as being a hinter land. Here, in the area known as Quebec,
(translated from the French as "What A Beak"), I have discovered the secret to farming techniques which
require very little effort from the farmers,the Canadian method.
Indeed I was intrigued when I heard that a Registered Head Nurse,
had given up her career as a nurse, for the evidently much more lucrative occupation of farming, in short
she became what they call a fermier.But why? Why ever would she do that? So I journeyed out to the farmlands,
to visit her,la belle fermier...............err........study farming techniques.Well I rung her belle and had a look at the farm. Well longer story short, It seems that there, there's profit in it,if you're a fermier all round.
Yes! There's actually great profit in it. Indeed farming in the Quebec area of that colony, and quite probably
thence all over the colony as there must be federal equality in policy all round there even yet though it is a third world area.
All that it really requires to farm profitably there is a farm,an area of the usual size, but there the farming
techniques diverge from those of Britain.
Indeed, the farm requires only a a few heaps of what seem to be abandoned equipments of various
questionable nature, rusted and so forth, dilapidated, which are called farm machinery, but which in Britain pass
for a machine on the scrap heap due to be hauled off. Said fermier merely sits on the land,squats as it were , in the farm house,much as do squatters, but lives very much better, high on the hog(of which we never see any). On the farm itself,
there is much scrub to say the least,and unquestionably a lot of scrubbing in the off season, and grass of various heights, and there they grow............errr...............sit.....
the crops, the REAL crops..............................rocks.
Yes! Rocks! They farm rocks! For being possessed of said farm, the fermiers are paid by the
government,much as living off of the dole, there, or here, but certainly getting for more as such doled out to them
than there, and here for that matter, and all requiring no effort at all in the actual necessity of farming,
rocks, or otherwise, as they'll take care of themselves. Indeed there's yet more, fermiers have the ability
to increase their comfortable dole levels, by participating in certain government projects, that of NOT growing
certain things. For example, they can be paid NOT to grow wheat, or for that matter other crops. So their
land is divided in to certain fields, those not growing wheat,those not growing asparagus etc, and all the
while they can still cultivate the rocks, getting the currency for NOT growing certain crops as an added
extra. Of course, such a farm requires NO maintenance, no machinery costs of any kind(merely requires the
scrap heap with wheels on it). Now there's the solution to our farmers problems, merely adopting the farming
practice so very common to that very foreign colony!And so too, now, as shown by the belle fermier, our new applied
foreign farming techniques that will turn farming in to a Jolly All Round Good Show for our farmers!!!!!
Carry On Farming!
Secret Squirrel
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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