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war,flooding,fake,butts,implants,aircraft,terrorists,terrorism,pneumatics,trains,transportation,subway,New Orleans
Secret Squirrel Investigates Fake Cosmetic Butt Implants
My intelligence operatives have informed of developments which are quite frightening,
heightening the dangers to us all. The Plastique explosive firms are scrambling to get rid of their ageing explosives,dump them somehow and have improperly stated them as being stable for life, whilst all the while quietly and secretly have been moving them in to the plastique surgery field, commencing with fake breasts,hoping to get rid of their dangerous unpurchased stockpiles. In the field of breast implants we have learned that heat build up has provably caused them to explode, most notably those hidden beneath extremely heat containing,concentrating burkas. Also the explosive becomes unstable and expands with a sudden disastrous catastrophic explosion as can occur in aircraft as the pressure decreases at altitude,as has
been previously revealed,40,000 feet in altitude has proven to be highly disastrous in many cases.The efforts of the plastique producers know no bounds, they are totally out of control, and uncontrollable.Politicians say nothing for fear of public retribution.But all will explode out one day, with catastrophic results.
But now, there's much more to come, this disposal of plastique has just recently commenced to have been moved in to yet another field of plastique surgery implants, those of fake butts. There has been reported a sudden explosion in fake behinds,obviously the effect of the unstable plastique. Imagine though, yet, the terrorists getting wind of these unnatural natural events in the plastique field.
Imagine now, the terrorists getting a suitable suicide kamakazi candidate, under the knife, and there stuffing his, or her, butt with plastique. Just look at the size of some people with absolutely huge as*es accepted in society, why it's so common that no records have been kept of the world's largest as*,though speculation goes to a woman who weighed 1,400 pounds.Imagine the extent of an explosion such a large as*ed person could trigger in comparison with the simple burka breast bomber.Airlines commonly have large butted passengers, removing seat rests to accommodate,adding extra seat belt lengtheners to accommodate, moving them in to first class.There it sits, that great big large as*ed person, it could be that terrorist exploding butt of mass destruction.
The mind boggles how much plastique these people could stuff in to their butts. And how easily and undetectable such a large as*ed fake butt person could get past airport scanners and on to an aircraft,and there to.......to.........to..........
Believe you me, aboard aircraft,walking down the street, the worst is yet to come.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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M.R.L. Solves The Problem With War
Boilerplate was a mechanical man developed by Professor Archibald Campion during the 1880s and unveiled at the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition.
Built in a small Chicago laboratory, Boilerplate was originally designed as a prototype soldier for use in resolving the conflicts of nations. Although it was the only such prototype, Boilerplate was eventually able to exercise its proposed function by participating in several combat actions.
Now whilst it is highly desirable for robots to go and fight wars instead of people, there is a snag, and that being that at present my vacuum cleaner is a conscientious objector and refuses to go.
There is an alternative to this rather messy quest for oil.....err..........war business. It might be arranged and negotiated worldwide by an M.R.L. government, Sutch that our and other nations present magnificent warriors need not die. In fact it could be set up that each nation that wishes to war over some issue or other, send a selected fixed number team, and the other opposing nation do the same, to an
appointed suitable for warfare, dueling ground.
Now instead of weapons, these lads will be given a flag to defend,suitably, and sent to Duke it out, as it were(Oh my, I've found a use for the idle aristocracy).The rules of course, will be similar to capture the flag but as the requirement is to have a war there will be an equal numbered army, and thence be armed as paintball gun equipped warriors, and sent out, to duel,to an obviously painted victory. To the victor go the spoils, yes indeed the other nation surrenders.Of course paintball weapons are preferred over the supersoakers,which were considered, as it's much easier to tell hits and things rather than stand and declare war over who shot who first where,when and how badly.
This will do away with all that messy killing, the need for surface and submerged warships,war aircraft, surface military vehicles etc. resulting in an immense saving in fuels and oils.
Of course, we in the M.R.L. are no slouches when it comes to our projects, our preparations for when we are the right and proper government, it is our divine mission, our sacred mission to achieve government and properly rule the people. And so, bearing this in mind, look about you, paintball is there,paintball exists, paintball is in action,paintball is in the fields, paintball rules, in short we're at the field testing stage now.
Now as for the military as having been a major source of employment, well what was the military can now be given shovels and as a work army sent out to dig roads and whatever else needs be done for the good of the general public...picking up trash...........cutting lawns and tending gardens for the elderly
etc, employed just as they were, but not to mostly sit about as layabouts,as most all do nowadays unless there's an increase in demand for global oil, but to do useful things for the nation.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Secret Squirrel Ponders New Orleans,In Retrospect..
New Orleans is on the road to recovery......many years after,what we all knew immediately and yet even before, the judges have decided that the government was to blame for the flooding of New Orleans................compensation of a paltry sorts it seems will occur...................and host of pick pockets, tarot card readers, street musicians, drug salesmen and refugee Tonton Macoute Security Guards recently return .......descending on the city as it deals with it's own recovery.
Ah well I have pondered New Orleans, seen it happen, heartfelt sympathies all round,and so turning my attention and experteese to the problem, extending a helping hand across the waters as it were, and so to the people of New Orleans,I have a threefold program for the future ........
1) Preventing it happening again.
2) Dealing with it.
or
3) Living with it.
Well, Hurricane Katrina, and the United States Government, left New Orleans, ponchi, victims of improperly constructed government levees, refusals by the government to shore up,improve,modernize the levees, pumps which were supposedly capable of pumping out water from New Orleans as fast as it came in, but pumps where those manning the pumps, took a powder and ran for it,without turning them on.The governments answer, more pumps,more people manning the pumps.Then we recall the arrival of the army to help, with it's General, Honore, telling the people,"I have
arrived!Here, have a bottle of water."., and then prancing about kissing babies.And there they were,comabt troops, a lot of fingers but not really any good at plugging holes in dykes.Yes New Orleans was abandoned, by the Government.
And what happened to New Orleans, well, nowadays one can view maps of Underwater New Orleans, a submerged city as it were, but,misfortunately ,deemed of no archeological value. Indeed, levees failed and broke, levees within the city itself.Why? New Orleans is riddled with canals, and intrusive demi canal regions.Indeed one little used total canal runs through New Orleans entirely, the nowadays called Richie Rich Canal since it seems its only purpose was and is to provide a way for a very few rich boaters, the boat people of America, to access from Lake Ponchtrain,the gulf area.Projects of idiocy, projects of idiots, the same could have been done a few miles farther off,to the side of New Orleans, with the canal and threat far away from the city, and so not endanger,constantly, New Orleans. But failed government,failed engineering, failed governmental planning, resulted in the idiot canals of New Orleans today. I have suggested that the canals be entirely sealed off, leaving Lake Ponchetrain in the very LEAST, but isolated from being far less able to cause and flooding threats to New Orleans, and at the very best,Lake Ponchetrain itself, sealed off, and totally and utterly, drained.Also, making use of
the Project Molehole, you recall this, drilling a hole down as far as they could go, miles, in actual hopes of finding the mole people and having them attack the Soviets(what with the recent events in the Soviet Union, this secret project may actually have been successful, but it certainly did result in massive numbers of Chuds invading New York.).What we do is, in the exact center of New Orleans flooded
out area, the deepest part, we drill a hole three feet wide, and miles down.Simply put as it is now, New Orleans is very much like a bathtub, but a bathtub without a drain, we simple add a drain...........the US government with its many pumps, can suck and blow as much as it likes,but face it, you really can't do very much without a really good hole.
But,zounds and zooks,alas and alack, there really is no rhyme and reason in the American government of the day,lack of action,lack of insight,lack of intelligence, much as it was in the beginning, so it was, and is and ever shall be.....ignorant.Far too ignorant to actually solve any problems of any kind. So what's to be done in light of the government's constant forays in to the idiocy of misrule? Well, I encourage the American people of New Orleans, take heed,Be
Prepared. How? Well one has various technological developments available nowadays, that have evolved.
Firstly, housing......been about for generations actually, and....even
yet.............houseboats. Thing is to sit your house boat up on blocks, and sufficiently rope anchor it in place such that the house can be released to float in case of flooding......transport..personal? Well, there's the Amphicar you know.City transit? Investment in amphibious buses, these have been developed in Europe, without doubt in preparation for the global warming effect of flooding out the Dutch, since basically nobody cares about the dutch except for those nautically inclined companies. Air travel? there are amphibious helicopters,and amphibious
aircraft..........so things are pretty much covered there. What of sudden flooding, can it be dealt with? Indeed yes it can. Bikini clothing has been developed in which the breasts can be inflated to any desired size, by means of air. Merely here we adapt the bar itself as a bra, and so females will be prepared for sudden flooding, merely emergency increase the inflation of the bar and one has instant
water wings. Indeed, the Japanese have developed inflatable kayak dresses, yes, the dress inflates and acts as a personal kayak!Also while it'sgrand to have a chicken in every pot, in the case of New Orleans, it's best have a lifevest on every lamppost.
Ah but what is to be done should New Orleans once again flood? Well, having had all of the above mentioned, things will be peachy actually, water rises, so what, water subsides, back to normal to await the next occurrence! Alternatively though, one can simply wall in New Orleans, and so retain the flood waters, with all of the above, things will work grandly, and New Orleans will be the Venice of America!!As they say, one must adapt, and go with the flow.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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MRL Things of Political Atmospherics
Well now, the MRL is hardly full of air, hot or otherwise, but engineeringwise, we know how to generate a cyclone of interest in our engineering projects. Indeed, as we proceed in modern times with our backsides to the future, it was to posterity that we looked and found a new method of transportation technology that has fallen by the wayside.Obviously we cannot allow this to go unnoticed but must move
forwards by taking steps backwards and applying this technology to subway(tube), and above ground transportation as it was intended to do, by men of great vision and foresight, the engineering plans dashed by men of futuristic hindsight who saw to it's failure.
The great engineer, Isambard Kingdom Brunel was converted to atmospheric or pneumatic railways, first mooted in 1810, after witnessing a demonstration in Ireland in September 1844. The system, which had been patented in 1838, entailed the use of a cast-iron tube laid between rails, to which carriages were
attached by a valve. Pumping stations powered by steam engines at the side of the track forced air out of the tubes, thereby creating a vacuum to one side of the carriages and an "atmosphere" to the other, thus propelling them along.
The Alfred Ely Beach Pneumatic Railway was New York City’s earliest subway. It had a single station located in the basement of the house located at the corner of Warren Street and Broadway.Passengers were carried in a car pushed forward by the pneumatic pressure generated by a huge fan. At the end of the tunnel, near Murray Street, the car stopped. The rotation of the fan was reversed and the car was "sucked" back to Warren Street station.
I too, have been converted to atmospheric plans so intend to revive the genius of these two great engineers and combine it with my own grand engineering techniques. A major problem with the systems was the generation and loss of air it seems. Of course modern technology can be applied to solve these lossy gas problems.
Also the method of generation of air was not up to standards even in those days. Nowadays we have all learned, politicians axed the plans of these great men and they were were full of hot air,full of the air of nothing. Knowing this, I shall apply these political failures to become great successes, in short, we need air, politicians generate air, and also, let me tell you, politicians really suck. By
stationing each operating day, politicians suitably in stations at each end of the system, there they can read their long winded speeches with the air of nothing, at one end they will blow out their hot air, and at the other, we will have the lot who really suck. By having mixed sets at each end, one set of each, and suitably having one set blowing air at one end, and at the destination end we will the set who really suck working..............so we will move our passenger cars through the system.
We will never be at a loss for air. So to will modern politicians be made to work for the people!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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