Keywords:
tanks,military,army,eunuchs,income,tax,collection,agency,fees,liquified,natural,gas,lng,lpg,floods,secret squirrel,new orleans,flooding
MRL Replacements For Expensive and Ageing British Tank Vehicles
Secret Squirrel has turned his attention to the fact that problems have arisen what with the logistics and attrition within the army with respect to tanks. The present ones areageing, falling apart, bottoms rusting through(they being made from only the highest of quality scrap and present day scrapped cars arescrap to being with), and the high cost of replacement. The enemy has tanks, should we have tanks? Well, not necessarily, the thing is to deal with the enemy tanks. What we do, is quite simply to go with the eco friendly hybrid golf carts. These are most definitely all
terrain vehicles what with their forced service about Britain's golf courses. Most definitely we mount the tiny and light anti-tankRPG's on the carts.The present day Arabs have proven that most definitely on of them can in fact take out an American Abrams(also a tank made from high quality scrap). These carts are manufactured only from the best of materials, due to the nature of those whom they transport round and about the golf courses of Britain and they are quite open,being cool for the desert,forest and jungle environments encountered on golf courses, can easily ford small streams, and being small and so open,are so quite difficult to sight on and hit,but not like the ease with which a large enemy tank could be sighted on and hit. Lighter version can also be made available, as Their
Majesty's military trend towards the versatile, with a bazooka instead of the RPG, or mortars, after the rocket launching fashion of
some military vehicles. Of course, the actual drivers and crews would be wearing the very latest in military body armor, and helmets, provided by an MRL government, should an MRL government be in power, instead of purchasing their own as the Labour government of the past has had the military do, in the backwards fashion of Britain's old military traditions. So out with the old, in with the new and so, now we of the MRL are all set to deal efficiently and cheaply with the enemy in an eco-friendly manner as well.
Early test models were developed, even yet shown in action, in tele series such as The Avengers,The Thirteenth Hole episode,there actually moving in the extremely harsh and varied environment of an English golf course,the only vehicle that can survive that harsh environment(in secret tests,confidentially,the French Leclerc Main Battle tank fell apart on the course, the Abrhams M1 tanks did manage to complete the course,albeit with the loss of loads of parts,but none of the crews could,hitting well in to the 300's and packing it in at nightfall).
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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MRL System Of Fee Collection
Secret Squirrel says EUNUCH is EUNUCH.In Britain soon we shall see EUNUCHS feeing,that is collecting fees,income tax violations etc.
As I have been traveling the Indian Continent, admiring the ways of the Indians, not the American Indians, but ours, the Indians of the Indes,or India as it is known,or was if they haven't changed the name yet. In either case I have been studying Indian methods, in various fashions as I am want, engineering,medicine(they call their's sham'ns in preference to quacks, and people go about saying,"Sham'n,sham'n,sham'n," in place of "Quack,quack,quack"...............quacking making them unpopular due to bird flu,we may soon have to follow suit), interesting methods of medical filing, following still to this day much of our own, piles of jumbled papers on a desk). But I was most struck by their system of collecting things unpaid, such as taxes,dues,bills,and other fees.
What they do is send EUNUCHS, that's right EUNUCHS, you know, those without the where with all to have it all or any of it for that matter. In either case, these EUNUCHS, go about to the Offendi house, he or she that which owes, and there they camp out on the lawn, or wherever,surround the house, and then sing and dance round and about the house,and expose themselves until the Offendi pays its fees or pays them to go away(this is bribery,I know, but they learned that from the British Governmental rulers you know,that and how to beat us at cricket).In the obviously totally uncivilized colony of Canada they send someone with a sound truck to park outside the Offenders home, and there play at enormous volume levels, Celine Dion and Michel Buble cd's, until they beg for mercy and swear to pay up. In either case I propose for Britain, since the system works so grandly well, a similar well working system of EUNUCH fee collectors and repo men.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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This is an MRL hands across the water welfare and engineering project right up America's alley......it helps them, and they'll help us, for in return for the idea patent and system patents, they can ship us a percentage cut of the resultant cheap and ever generated supply of LFG gases........
MRL Solves Liquified Gas Crisis
What with the crisis in the LPG(Liquified Petrolium Gas, or LNG,Liquified Natural Gas as it's related) area of the energy eco-system,Secret Squirrel has seen the need for a solution.
1) Look at the U.S. prison system what they call GitMo. Well that's fair then isn't it, we all can do it. We build similar versions in America, in areas as needed, and we house'em in these battey cages......................who......................Mexicans..................illegal Mexicans.......that's even better than the present inhabitants. The added plus is that it makes efficient use of Gitmo, actually generating return revenues,not just expenditures, and that they're housed then you know, in one place, not roaming the streets and alleys, and occupying abandonned buildings of America............
2) We create FART Banks,(Flatulant Air Retention Tanks), huge FART tanks, fields of fart tanks, just like we used to use for oil....matter of fact we simply clean'em out and use those since they're not being used for anything else presently.
3), We feed the now useful illegal Mexicans a very nutritious and generous bean diet.
4) Hoses from the battery cages to the tanks, via suitable sucking airfan collector fans(we can use the wind driven
generator fans even to power those,and be self-reliant at the collection end).
5) Use existing technology, LPG, (Liquified Petrolium Gas) tech to Liquify the gas so collected and tanked, an efficient LFG system(Liquified Fart
Gas), and all runs at the cost of beans!!!
Hey! Energy crisis solved!!! Problem is they may not want to feed Mexicans.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Extending A Helping Hand.Yet Further. The MRL helps America solve it's problem with New Orleans..........
Secret Squirrel has seen New Orleans, and has reached out a helping hand to solve the flooding problem.In times of need,never let it be said that the M.R.L. wasn't there to help, wasn't there to give sound advice.Lake Pontchartrain may have left the Americans Pontchy,but we at the MRL are sound of mind and engineering principles and solutions, sound engineering solutions for all problems, all of the time. And we would be able to supply these solutions should we ever achieve power,governmental power, but as it is we must ever struggle to keep our heads above water. So what of it,let's look at America and it's problems, putting our own aside for the time being.
Flooding threatens New Orleans from three sources: the Mississippi River, Lake Pontchartrain, and natural rainfall.
All could be easily solved, by simply draining Lake Pontchartrain and filling in the canals that run through the city to serve as transport canal for rich boaters.But, Artificial levees have been,and were, built to supposedly keep out rising river and lake waters but have had the negative effect of keeping rainfall in.Naturally pumping,24 hours a day,work in New Orleans, pumping water from beneath the city,out,capable of pumping out the city entirely,of course is somebody is there to switch''em on and hasn't run for it. Of course, it has been determined that the city itself is sinking at a rate of 3 feet(one meter), per century. Well, what with all that water, the inability to keep it out, the levees helping to keep it in, it is our sworn duty to help our ungrateful American cousins. Indeed, we must here make recommendations to them. There lifestyle must change, but we have a solution for this change of life.
Firstly, all vehicles, must henceforth be of the amphibious variety. Of course, in keeping with the swinging lifestyle of those who were water inundated, we will also see to it that they have boats in every drive, for recreational use........far be it from me to suggest these are mere powered lifeboats(powered assuming they have gas available).
Housing..........well, you know..........their houses are flood destroyed wrecks, eaten by damp mold. Trailers are no substitute of course, since they wold simply float for a bit, then sink in the flooding. However, that has given me an idea for them................houseboats! Yes! Houseboats!! These must be made available to them. Indeed imagine, a houseboat would have solved their housing problem!!
Magnificent, no problem at all.
And what of the public transit? Well, we shall go with a recommended rail system within the city, indeed rail, submersibles on rails, submarines for those who haven't figured it out yet. Indeed these submarines will be outfitted with boogie,trucks, wheels for those who haven't figured it out. And they shall travel as they are want to, using their propellers, but running on rails just as the trolleys used to. You can see the well thought out solution here. Indeed a true submarine way....a subway.
And, what of air travel? Well, you know, amphibious aircraft, flying boats! Yes that's it!
An........for those rainy days, we could see to it that they are supplied with recreational gear, such as scuba diving outfits, chic and all the rage these will be! And for those who are perhaps less financially endowed, simple snorkel outfits will just have to do. Yes! It flies! The city of New Orleans is Fly! When wearing water wings.
Yes there it is Urban Planning,the MRL method, the scientific engineering approach to problem solving.Notice that here we attach no blame, no blame for the oversights in lifestyle selection by the Americans, only here we provide lifestyle suggestion, alternatives, sound alternatives, a solution for the problems at hand, and how to deal with them,how to swim through the problems life, the government hosers , inundate you with.
Improved levees? Note that we avoid these in our solution, why raise taxes, life in America is taxing enough.In our MRL solution we have no need of levees. Of course, if by levees being inadequate they mean Dutch style Dykes,well, then you should import French ones, avoid Norwegians they're surprisingly hairey.
Of course we have other suggestions for our American cousins, solutions to problems they have seen in Britain, that of governmental ownership of certain companies. They have suggested solutions to problems of said stated companies, and Britain has bowed to their suggestions and has followed them. Well, we in the MRL propose that they also follow their suggestions, that as they have suggested the privatization of British rail, we suggest the privatization of The Amtrak. As they have suggested the privatization of the British Post Office,we suggest the privatization of the American Post Office. As they have suggested the inclusion of the Sein Fein IRA in British government, so too must we suggest the inclusion of Al Kieda in the American government. Yes and as it was seen good for Americans to have Britain privatize it all, then so too must we see to it that the Americans privatize in great and proper fashion.And, as Britain has followed their suggestions, we are open to suggestion to have them follow their suggestions.
Any complaints can be dealt with privately,publicly,since the Pub is where all proper solutions come from..solutions! Oh well, if you haven't got a solution yet, wait for the next rain storm.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Secret Squirrel And The Problem Of Non-British Foreign Rail
Well now, let's consider the problem what was, and is yet getting worse,that of rail travel,passenger rail travel. The U.S. government, had Britain privatize the rail system as it seems Britain couldn't manage a rail system in government hands. Indeed the Americans running their own government Amtrak, could see this problem and saw to it Britain cured it's efficient rail problems. Now Britain faces an interesting situation, a rail system it can't afford and manage and maintain for foreigners.
Indeed the rail system is in a shambles track-wise, foreigners owning it claiming they can't maintain the rails in suitable condition such as not to have trains run off the rails, they can't maintain the points(switches), in suitable safe conditions. Indeed more and more the British government of the people must provide them with money to do that and keep them in business.
Also those managing the signaling system have discovered the same dilemma, the government of the people of Britain must provide them with money to run the system such that the people owning the signaling can make a profit.
Now we turn to other matters, those owning the rolling stock.Here we encounter conditions such that cars are a problem for the foreigners owning them, and they don't wish to buy new ones, and the government of the people must yet again supply them with money so that they can maintain their cars, and run at a profit, and indeed provide them with money for new cars for the same reasons.
Now, on to the motive power of the system, those who own the engines which pull the trains. So, they also have a dilemma of shoddy equipment, require money to maintain the equipment, recondition the engines, and also ,of course, purchase new engines, being constantly supplied with money by the government of the people of Britain so that said foreign engine owning firm can make a profit.
At the same time train fares are constantly increased, with claims on some lines that it costs too much for extra cars for the riders, whilst on yet other areas of the lines there are insufficient riders,such that rail fares must be increased so that the foreign companies owning things can make a profit.
Well now, Britain never had those problems before. But consider now the final and ultimate solution. Britain buys it all back at what it was sold for. Why? Well, because the firms can't make a profit, so they're bankrupt so the system being bought back would effectively save said foreign companies losses. In it's entirety,Britain could now return to running an efficient rail system for the people of Britain.
So they won't allow it eh? Well, the business world is a cruel world, we simply buy up the rail tracks and all, just the rail route. And that's it, tell the other foreigners with Britain's rail signaling equipment, and rolling stock, and engines.................to go chuck it all. From British Rail, we got to British Roads.Face it, they're gone, bankrupt when the British government refuses also to fund them. Done, the tracks are ours.
We have an option,buy their bankrupt equipment and systems cheaply, and start business up again! Huzzah!
Now was it all too expensive in the first place? Well, if it was, it still is, so what's cheaper then. Quite simply we rip up all the rails. We keep the roadbed routes, we convert those to roads, BUS ONLY ROADS. Indeed, we run the system as a bus line. Buses. Buses going back and forth in their own reserved and proper lane, changing at switch points without needs of signaling or points nor points equipment. Imagine. Problem of transportation solved. And...................we don't pay foreigners to thieve from the people of Britain.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Solved By Secret Squirrel,Solved by the MRL.................!!!!!!!!!!!
Branson's Challenge Met
Well,well,well.British tycoon Sir Richard Branson, announced a 25million$U.S. prize for the first scientist to come up with a way to extract greenhouse gases from the atmosphere. Now, in similar fashion there was a quest launched in 1675 to devise a method of estimating longitude accurately(they weren't interested in latitude, no,no, that's much too loose behaviour there). Well, English clock maker John Harrison came up with a method after 60 years, and received his prize from King George III. Branson stated "...............the earth cannot wait 60 years......".
Well no it can't wait 60 years, and doesn't have to and I want my prize in small bills thank-you, in a suitcase, packed so I can leave the colony of Canada wherein I am presently trapped. Now, the method is easy, and sound, and works in practice, and in theory and is readily provable so I won't have to wait 60 years to claim it. In theory and in practice over here in the colony we filter our water in charcoal filters, the charcoal filter removes impurities within the water, particulates, and also the soluble gases such as chlorine. Now I fully realize here we are dealing with a liquid filter, but the principle is very much the same for a gas.Some have stated that the major problem is fart gas produced by cows, well cow farting can be solved in the same fashion as will be here outlined, but, on average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, and given the ever increasing human population of earth, this is the other end of the fart gas problem, so......
Curiously we have noticed, that certain of the rich classes such as are represented by such as Paris Hilton,Lindsay Lohan, Jay-Lo(or is it Loo),Britney Spears have all been seen and caught by cameras, as wearing no underpants. It has also been noted that this fad is not new, but actually began when Global Warming was first noticed as being a problem, a problem caused by the emission of hot gases.Similarly by corollary it is to be assumed that male richie riches are also not wearing underwear. Well I must be cheeky, but quite simply, they all simply MUST wear underpants,man,woman and cow,(let's not forget the sheep), thence the farts, foul ozone depleting and destructive gases, will thence also be trapped in the usual filter underwear. These underpants can then be dealt with in a suitable rubbish bin, or for those poorer, simply washed for reuse. The washing for reuse method is highly recommended in that any trapped gases would thence be dissolved in water and so flushed and filtered in through the water sanitation sewage system. And, in shorts, to put it briefly, the atmosphere and we would be saved, earth would be saved!!! Huzzah!Huzzah!Huzzah! Three cheers for me, now kindly send the money.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged-Re-Engineering.
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