Secret Squirrel Elected Member of Parliament?

I,Secret Squirrel,have carefully researched the method by which I shall be elected,voted in to be Member of Parliament,MP,for Dunny On The Wold and possibly also Prime Minister of Britain!Determined to get elected,I have pondered the problem, and I have taken the following steps.

1) I have declared the piece of land I live on,here,commonly referred to as my house in the hinterland colony of Canada,population one,as being separated from Canada,seceding, and succeeding, becoming an independent micronation as it were, a principality specifically, that of Dunny On The Wold.I have succeeded where Quebec has failed! I have simply declared myself independent......so there. I've also decided to name it Dunny On The Wold, and make it, and
myself,a Principality.On being a Principality,it legally justifies existence much as that of Monaco.

2) Having decided that it's been too much to run my own economy and currency,(face it the potato based currency isn't working, the 8 Pirate's Treasure potatoes I planted haven't multiplied yet), I have decided,on the behalf of the people and for the good of the people,well in time for the British election,I've decided to annex myself,err, Dunny On The Wold, to England.
Thus again, a British citizen and subject by absorption, I then abdicated the throne......now not being Royalty any longer, I can't refer to myself as His Royal Highness, but, I have retained the right to be referred to as Prince, by those who wish to, a right conferred on me,forced on me, by the people of Dunny On The Wold.

3) In exchange for the annexation, I have then declared myself it's only voter,and indeed can be it's only voter.It's true mother lives here in Dunny On The Wold, but at 86 hasn't the faintest comprehension of what I have done.In short, I have created my own rotten burough.......err Constituency with a population of one.Controlling the only house,I control the population and do not allow nor anticipate immigration in.Of course,the Polish being what they are I may find some camped in the backyard,but remember, they'll have no vote,not being citizens.

I await the election in great anticipation,I am running as the MRL candidate, and anticipate victory.

Now what makes all this possible? Well.............here's how it all works,explained, rather than simply outlined...............

The whole arrangement of getting myself safely elected keys on the principles of the fact that outer areas,or so called colonies,annexed or otherwise, must have representation in Parliament,from members elected within.Now in the principle of it all,continuing,we look at Old Sarum,one of England's cherished old boroughs,sometimes called a rotten borough,or decayed borough or a pocket borough,being referred to as rotten,or decayed due to say, wood rot in one of the three houses it had,here there's only one, but logic dictates since 3.6 persons to a house.The pocket borough refers to the actual size proportion compared with those aspiring politicians who either preferred larger population areas or else,most probably, couldn't figure out how to shrink it to a suitable size for election purposes.Well, that won't do, can't have half persons,really, so one house one voter is the proper ratio, for here,besides I said so and I was the Prince of the Principality of Dunny On The Wold, and though I have since abdicated,that changes noting as it would require an act of Parliament to change that, and they simply have not been bothered to quite obviously. In event of rumblings I shall appeal to party and the House of Lords, which may or may not be present at that time......and yes, you're right, I do sense a plot here directed specifically against Dunny On The Wold,in fact I would go on to say that I firmly believe the machination to destroy the House Of Lords, rather than simple reform, was, and is, specifically, directed and was created, to threaten Dunny On The Wold! Oh but there's Dis and Dishonesty in present government!

Well, let me tell you, as far as any legislation in Parliament goes, Dunny On The Wold, will outlast The House Of Lords! You also noticed that I wisely chose PM versus House Of Lords member,well actually there were a few obstacles there, primarily being that I realized there was the plot to remove the House Of Lords to prevent my appeal on their future attempt to perhaps remove Dunny On The Wold, but also, one has to be misfortunately selected to be A Lord(my
system of election is much easier to get in to government,(perhaps they'll consider electing Lords to make that much easier),also Dunny On The Wold has not a single cat, so the making of one's Lord Robes is extremely difficult as the number of cats required to make the fur robes is prohibitive when there are no cats as such available.

Further,I shall continue on to elaborate how this rotten borough, errrr...micronation
creation...errr........Principality creation.....err........my efforts to become elected to Parliament,well Old Sarum sent 2 members to parliament, with 11 voters,or actual population as not everybody was allowed to vote, Lord Nelson for example,had a boat, not a vote. Well, mine sends only one with one voting, this is not to say that total votes couldn't be landslide victory at say 16,472 to 0 by margin.So I sense victory is at hand!

I wonder what the Queen shall say when I tell here. And oh yes, I shall not forget to tell her, when invited to tea, that I would appreciate,most deeply, and be most highly honored, to have her appoint me as Prime Minister, as she can select,most certainly, anyone she chooses,elected or not,majority party leader or not,but I shall most certainly be elected in my riding.I shall most certainly have to send her a letter about this. Oh good heavens, Dunny On The Wold has no
stamps,nor post office! Oh dear,all this shall go unnoticed,perhaps it's all better for Dunny On The Wold!


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
(Future M.P.,(P.M.?) Dunny On The Wold)

MRL,Secret Squirrel Studies Boobquakes

MRL,Secret Squirrel, Researches Boobquakes.


I,Secret Squirrel have turned my attention to an interesting remark,event, and reaction to female cleavage, breasts as it were, showing'em, all of'em,or parts of'em their earthquake causing effects,their causing boobquakes in the world.Now why should I do this you might well ask? A ranking Islamic cleric has made interesting remarks concerning female cleavage

"Many women who do not dress modestly... lead young men astray, corrupting their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted last week as saying by Iranian media.

Well, these remarks were noted round and about the world, and echoed round and about the world,and a there was a response to these remarks.So,breasts were big on Facebook on Monday,April 26th,2010,a fateful day,a day of great significance, as a female blogger called on women to prove wrong an Iranian cleric who preached that cleavage causes earthquakes.Over 100,000 people joined the group and showed off their stuff that fateful day.Well..... she was proved....... wrong.

As the cyber-organized event dubbed "Boobquake" got underway, a temblor measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale hit Taiwan which means quite clearly there was and is great merit to the cleric's contention.

Now she herself rejected the notion that accentuating her breasts,and those females who joined her, caused an earthquake in Taiwan, saying she would only consider taking credit for temblors in her time zone.She does acknowledge local effects. She pointed out that there are known natural causes for earthquakes. Of course there are, natural cleavage,the effects of natural breasts on the world! We have proof of their influence,directly and scientifically there was the Monday Event, and the resultant directly provable effect on Taiwan.

We note also the suspicion that government knows of the effect, but being quite on events due to the uncontrollable randomness of things, beyond the encouragement,generally, on females to keep covered up.We notice the effect of breasts on John Ashcroft, the simple effect of statues showing breasts had on the lad.Clearly he's in the know and so endeavored to start a campaign to cover up the breasts on public statues.Alas, he failed, it seemed there were just too many,and buying them all brasierres was beyond his abilities. However, I believed we can discount the effects of simple statues,his reaction being really just a chicken littleism in the world of art.Fortunate it was that in his response he didn't go out and paint brasierres on topless painting artworks as well.But we notice the significance of Ashcroft's actions.Did you know, that in the private sector,Ashcroft's firm had 30 clients, many of which made products or technology aimed at homeland security,clearly indicating further knowledgeability of the effects of cleavage and breasts as weapons,weapons of mass destruction, random mass destruction,senseless mass destruction.Quite clearly he focused on them,publicly displayed fear of them.We notice that America marched in to Afghanistan and Iraq, quite clearly stating they were looking for weapons of mass destruction.They didn't find any, they were covered up by burkas.

But imagine now if the women could be directed,perhaps focused, this would have great potential as a military weapon you know!Clearly imagine if we could direct all of'em in a particular selected direction! Indeed imagine the effect of this. However there are problems you know. Africa for example,is notorious in many ways,particularly with regards to cleavage, as a matter of fact,much total cleavage as it were, and there are millions of'em out and about and pointed,wiggling and jiggling, in many and all directions round and about,imagine the effects of the random convergence...earthquake!Clearly the effects of this is the resultant randomness of earthquakes.Sadly we must see to it that women are properly covered in public you know. But we're loosing it you know, a lost cause really, nude and topless beaches abound, cleavage is proudly displayed as women knowingly display their power.So we all sit in wonder, and wait, as the next collective female cleavage focus occurs,we wait for the next earthquake to occur. Most definitely there is knowledgeability, but further research must take place. We must learn more about breasts so that convergence could more properly be directed.The world's greatest weapon, may be, at hand?

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Proof That House Hippos Exist.

I,Secret Squirrel, have found most definite proof that the house hippo actually exists.Actual visual proof!Why just

look at this,see for yourself.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLG2JP0P5JE


Notice how the Canadians have hidden the house hippo existence, trying to stamp it in to non-existence,we see serious elements at work here surpressing the truth,the actuality,the very existence of these house hippos.
But we know better don't we, we have proof don't we, we have logic don't we.
I always suspected, I somehow knew, yes,the existence of something, something mysterious, the crisps(chips for you

North Americans) would be out and in the morning there were less.I mentioned this to my girl, who's seriously dieting,and she's also convinced it's the house hippo, 'less it's the house spooks....but I'm not gonna consult the ouija board on such a paltry matter. Indeed I'm sure you've house hippos at the pub, they're sneaky, the pub snacks keep going down but nobody notices'em due to advancing inebriation....the Irish don't even know they exist, but then, that's not surprising, they keep seeing the Little People nobody else sees,(I'm willing to believe'em after a few whiskeys)they're hardly likely to spot a house hippo in that constantly advanced state.....I know I can't either. Yes, we all know the house hippo,don't we.......here from the proof video...

"It's night time in a kitchen just like yours; all is quiet, or is it?"

"The North American house hippo is found throughout Canada and the Eastern United States. House hippos are very

timid creatures and they are rarely seen, but they will defend their territory if provoked. They come out at night to search for food, water, and materials for their nests."

"The favourite foods of the house hippo are chips, raisins and the crumbs from peanut butter on toast."

"They build their nests in bedroom closets using lost mittens, dryer lint and bits of string. The nests have to be very soft and warm; house hippos sleep about 16 hours a day."

Sadly they go on to try to deny the existance of the house hippo.They? It's always they,they're to blame,it's their fault, and it is too....they're,they're...liars and deniers.

In either case.......be good to your house hippo, always leave a little something for them..............here's the
film,why just look at what the spy camera caught...notice the Canadian's are trying to pass them off as non
existent, but we know better don't we. Why just look, they don't believe in UFO's much less the one that was over my house the past week,they said it didn't exist........they said Churchill(Britain's greatest Prime Minister) feared UFO invasion.............be right out of a job he would be if they arrived, the lot'em of'em,and most recently elements in the British press, purporting to be governmental, even yet demanded that UFO's cease doing crop circles you know,why they could all clod off and sod off then, and be replaced........and just look at what Stephen Hawking said.......why here, at the

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1268712/Stephen-Hawking-Aliens-living-massive-ships-invade-Earth.html

He said Earth might be at risk from what he imagines to be 'massive ships' which could try to colonise our planet and plunder our resources.....we'll certainly have to quash that kind of talk.,why zounds and zooks, sounds like they're either Americans, or the remnants of the British Empiremen,I'll certainly insist they join our British Empire Club when they arrive,firm solid members they'd make!

Of course the Canadians can be dismissed outright in most everything they say,their greatest Prime Minister,William Lyon(he did too, often),MacKenzie King ruled via Ouija board you know, they insist Hawking's just a ridiculous cripply ,shriveled ,shrunken dribbly little lad that drools a lot, and shows definite signs of being severely brain damaged,but we know better don't we.Yes, indeed, I'm off to feed my house hippo, and so too, should you.

And maybe I'll leave a beer out for the UFO people, that always seems to disappear too.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

MRL Secret Squirrel On Using Volcanoes!!

Secret Squirrel On Turning Volcanoes To Good Use.

Secret Squirrel has noticed that Iceland's volcano eruption has thrown up huge clouds of cancer causing dust, disrupted air flights all over Europe,and has shattered the Euro tourist industry for months to come. However, on
pondering the problems of volcanoes, a use has actually been found for them.Incineration of garbage was stopped years back, for several reasons, some cited a necessary reduction of burning fumes,there was also the high cost of
fuels etc used to generate the enormous heat required to properly incinerate garbage of all kinds, but major cause was the usual strange explosions the incinerators suffered from.Nowadays landfills are not only filling up, but the garbage is seeping down to the water table where it affects natural water supplies very much adversely. So,garbage is now ever increasingly being trucked to sea sides and there loaded on barges, and,sadly, and this will come home to roost in the future, dumped out at sea. Well, volcanoes produce vast amounts of gas anyway, and simply can't be
stopped from doing it, and they also don't require vast amounts of expensive fuel to burn as they are at enormously higher temperatures anyway, why not simply collect all the garbage to a suitable volcano site, and then simply truck dump the garbage in to the volcano. Solves all problems at the same time.Doing so will save the environment considerable harm and make a volcano a very useful thing to have.


Furthermore yet more use can be made of volcanoes, making, for example hot rolled asphalt and asphalt concrete,and indeed it has been proven as well, that volcanic ash makes further a sound foundation for roads and other pavements,and so it becomes useful in the making and maintenance of roads, and construction projects.

Pozzolanic cement,a mix of volcanic ash and limes, was discovered and used by the Romans, and used to line cisterns,aqueducts etc and are still intact today! It was even yet used in the making of the Suez canal.However in modern times it was left by the wayside when Portland cement came in to being(Portland cement being fired and ground up clay,an earth really,but never the less due to it's manufacturing process,needlessly expensive). Indeed we can return to the additional use and availability of far less expensive,pozzolanic cements(make it available and they'll
use it). Mind,remember, it has a yet better life span,obviously being intact from even yet Roman times, than does the modern Portland Cement,which though being expensive, crumbles quickly.

As there is evidence for ancient cement, there is also evidence for even more ancient concrete. According to Davidovits (1987), Farkas (1985) and Starr (1983), the stone blocks of the pyramids and the Sphinx at Giza, as well as other monuments built during Egypt's Old Kingdom, around the 27th century BC, are, in fact, of concrete,concrete from ash. Concrete was discovered by Romans who mixed volcanic ash with lime cement creating a concrete of superior strength. It was this that allowed the Romans to build fantastic edifices, water works, aqueducts, roads, harbors,
underwater structures, and lighthouses.The still standing massive Coliseum was built with this concrete. It is still used in concrete constructions today,but obviously it's use should be expanded.

Other uses for the ash have been abrasives,the rock is beloved in our barbies,much better than the crumbling ceramic barbie stones, and,indeed,yes, volcanic ash makes an excellent,natural,fertilizer!!!Volcanic rocks are rich in
nutrients needed by plants. They are so rich, in fact, that they are considered as "hard" fertilizer. These rich soils encourage farming, agriculture, and population growth,it merely has to be mined and crushed to powder for that use as well.

Geothermal energy sources are readily available near volcanoes, created in fact by them, but terribly under utilized in the day. Also, volcanoes,and volcanic areas, and areas of ancient volcanic activity, have a tendency to be signs of rich oil deposits,however, in modern times,these areas tend to be avoided.


In short,having a volcano can be an all round good thing,properly utilized of course. Perhaps we can get the Icelanders to sell their volcanoes,of course, incorporating, a suitable ownership with no fault clause?

Secret Squirrel,Increasing The Value Of The Pound

The MRL Currency Crisis Solution

Secret Squirrel knows Britain faces a currency crisis what with the virtual collapse of the pound to near 1 US dollar.
Now.....you know what they say penny wise.......Pound foolish.........how much is a Pound worth after the government foolishly ignored it in favor of watching pennies?

Presently against the US dollar it is worth $1.41. In 1970(I know it's so retro,but we're not going in to the 60's, times were just too good),it was $2.21, about a 45% crash. The signs were there, the writing was on the wall......the headlines read....."Pound COLLAPSES! TAKE WOODEN NICKLES!"

Well at the local coin shop, wooden nickels can be had for 50cents......consider 20 wooden nickles to the wooden dollar...a wooden dollar is now worth $10US,a considerably higher US dollar rate than the pound! But you'll see why we won't consider the British Pound against the Wooden Dollar,though in light of the modern crisis going to the wooden nickle dollar we would be much better off,there is still yet a better solution.

But I have discovered a much better solution............originally the currency was the egg..................it then proceeded to the evolution of the Groat, which while it did not have much value in its day, as the Pound has depreciated, the Groat has increased to the astonishing figure of $140.00.


Now figure that against the US Dollar the 2009 Pound is worth $1.41, but the same US dollar against the Groat,NOWADAYS (just check any coin shop)the 1885 Groat is a spectacular $140.00. So all that remains to be done, is to change our currency from the Pound Sterling to the Groat Sterling,the 1885 ones.

Ah! Indeed! There's no Groat like an Olde Groat!


Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....

MRL On Increasing The Value Of The Pound

I,Secret Squirrel,have determined a way to increase the value of the pound.
Have you got a 20p worth £50 in your pocket? Thousands of undated coins produced in Royal Mint blunder
20p

The Daily Mail informs us that a rare error at the Royal Mint means that tens of thousands of the coins produced earlier this year don't have 2009 stamped on them. Coin experts say the lack of a date makes them worth £50 each, and potentially much more in future.However things are very interesting as it has been stated,according to The Sun, that the Government Mint, has stated it will buy back these coins from the public at a rate of 50Pounds..............curious, from 20p value to 50pounds retrograde, why that's a loss of Pounds 49.80 on each............the best the Labour Government can do is loose the public's money.

Interesting but worth mentioning what with the fall of the pound in value................It seems that to save Britain's currency, it only has to be printed or stamped without a date on it. One wonders if the Labour government will realize this or remain in it's usual state of stupified inactivity. Why the mind boggles, let's see, 20p, means each pound of course has 100p, at 100p, this would make a pound value in direct mathematical relationship...........250Pounds...........that would certainly improve the lot of the British citizenry.
But alas and alack, what does the Government do, try to buy back the valuable currency at a high rate........what a sad and sorry lot Labour are.

Secret Squirrel.
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.................................
The MRL,A Brilliant Discovery For Economic recovery.


Secret Squirrel has pondered the problem of coming out of the recession.
Well now, what with the stress of modern times, the recession, the reducing value of the currency(s) in use,against the US Dollar base.......... has caused much consternation, just look at the headlines found below.............



"Dollar falls to one-year euro low.
The dollar fell ahead of meetings of the G20 and Federal Reserve
The US dollar has fallen to a one-year low against the euro ahead of the G20 meeting of world leaders.
The dollar dropped to $1.4840 against the euro and it also fell against a basket of other currencies".

Interesting isn't it, this means the present recession is yet a good thing, the dollar dropped against the Euro in value,dropped mind, in comparison to ..........we also see................


"In Britain, a worsening reading of unemployment helped send the pound lower........"

And yet more...............


"The Australian dollar rose.
The Aussie is now at its strongest versus the U.S. dollar since August .... Can The World Change?"

And yet more speculation on currency problem and what with....the currency the world uses as a base, the US Dollar................

"UN Wants New Currency To Replace Dollar........."

But what do we also find..........

"BBC NEWS , UK , Scotland , ..............Scottish £1 goes for record price
23 Sep 2009 ... A Scottish banknote from 1836 has sold for a world record price at auction. The £1 note sold for £9000 ($US14,800) at the charity auction ..."

Aha, we find people charitable to the Scottish pound! Imagine, 9000 British pounds to buy an old Scottish Pound..........well wasn't it the American P.T.Barnum who said "There's a sucker born every minute!"............obviously he was right, but if the people must be suckers we must most definatally take advantage of that situation....indeed, imagine 9000pounds for an old Scottish pound! Imagine how they value then new Scottish pound..............it stands to reason. And the new Scottish pound is printed up, quite simply, Willy Nilly, or is it Scotty Dotty............So to solve problems with the recession, the economy,the falling value of British pound currency, we simply go to to use of the Scottish pound. And what of the US Dollar, as if you really care. Well, all things considered, we always need a currency for comparison,of course. Now I know you're thinking, we must change the world comparative currency, from the US dollar. Well, no, in light of this brilliant economic discovery, we find we must keep the US dollar as the world base, indeed, we now have the US dollar as the jackas* currency to compare the new Scottish pound to, the currency which we can all now laugh at!!!!!! Now I fully realize that it might well be an embarrasement to run about and use the Scottish pounds, but we must rise above pettiness, rise above humiliation,we must all take our mulligan..........for a time, at any rate,say five or so years,after getting used to the much higher value currency, we merely replace the term Scottish on the note, to British!!Britain's economy,the economic problems, the recession problem...........all now solved!!! All that needs be, is we must bring in the winds of change!!!!!!!!!! As for me, well, I'm grabbing a bunch of new Scottish pounds and am off to Christie's to see what I can get for'em in British pounds.


Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.


........................

Secret Squirrel On Proper Clothing For The Times.

Secret Squirrel On Proper Clothing For The Times.

Secret Squirrel has turned his attention to the problems with volcanoes,ozone layer depletion,fog,adverse rain

conditions,flood conditions,pub(bar)brawling,beatings,stabbings etc and has come up with his own line of clothing

which will effectively properly haberdash the British gentlemen and ladies for the ridiculous conditions of the day

faced by all.

Firstly we will start with the head, and there shall be placed a lamp,a miner's lamp specifically, equipped with a

fog light element as well, so here we have a fully steerable lighting,which move with the head so is
constantly outputing a useful beam of illumination, thus thrusting back the darkness, and also, penetrating any fog

which might be present.

Now, Englishmen are known for stiff upper lips, but we'll give'em some more backbone, as to combat,deflect,divert

safely away, all rain and the cancerous damaging sun which now reigns down on us all as the ozone layer

depletes(due to volcanoes and various other effects), up the back, shall be a brolley,bumbershoot as it were(this

is an umbrella in American).

Now for the visage and protection of the lungs from the effects of volcanic ash(recall we're now told to stay

indoors due to this effect),we shall have a gas mask,this filters out all poisonous

gases,particles,malodours,gaseous effects of fogs, and also the gas mask will have polarized anti-uv, anti glare

coating.Now this does not have to be in use all the time, so the gas mask can be carried as it was during the War,

in a suitable pouch by the side ready for use.Cheap rate suits will simply come with a limited supply of surgical

masks and a pair of sunglasses. The gas mask is preferred as it deals much better with everyday problems such as

sudden malodorous farts as may be encountered on the omnibus,underground,aircraft etc.

For the problem what with stabbings,beating,pub brawls etc, we shall return to the standard gentlemens suit of iron

pantsed armour as it were, in short, it's back to the tin suit, properly tailor made.We feel it's best go with the

best, but a cheap rate will incorporate a somewhat similar kevlar suit.As an added plus, this will help protect

against a sudden pub visit by a burka clad person, some of which are known to have sudden explosive personalities.

Now how will we deal with flooding,sudden flash or otherwise floods,which are predictably occurring in Britain

these years and so move the properly haberdashed English gentlemen or lady about safely in flood conditions. Well,

we will incorporate,what we have seen in Japan,a suitable over pulled a kayak pants.This will fit nicely over the

tin suit, and/or kevlar protection.Indeed this is a self inflating pants which turns in to a kayak,as demonstrated

in Japan, and so is most suitable to flood conditions.The cheap rate version will simply incorporate a suitable

rubber ring,similar to an inflatable attached inner tube, it is one actually, and for the ladies we will use the

suitable highly decorated pool rings in keeping with fashion trends.

And,indeed, yes, a children's line will also be available! There the gas amsks will sport the faces of the likes of

Mickey Mouse,Daffy Duck,Goofy(that'd be for a future politician,),etc,(as they were in Britain during WWII), and

their floatation ring would be a suitable pool swimming ring,in keeping with the rules of children's fashions.

There is an added plus for the American line, the tin suit would sport a ball and chain, to help keep Americans

down in events of tornadoes.

Problems solved!All problems solved!! And so too, the day of the Squirrel Suit will see the light of day on the

fashion runways of the world,Squirrel, a name to be as famous as that of Yves St.Laurent in the fashion world!

Squirrel suits all!!


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

MRL,Secret Squirrel,Demands Lower Gas And Oil Prices For The People

MRL,Secret Squirrel Demands Lower Oil and Gas Prices For Britain.

I,MRL,Secret Squirrel challenge oil and gas prices in Britain.The public is being used,abused,soaked, ripped off for it's own oil and gas,forced to do so by simple government(presently Labour) policies,continuing government policies, and we in Britain should be paying far less for our OWN oil and gas.

I noticed this in the headlines......

"Drillers find two major gas fields in North Sea

Two major gas finds have been made in the southern North Sea off the coasts of Norfolk, Lincolnshire and

Yorkshire."
Of course, this means yet even more gas has been found.

and yet more

"News - Scotland - Secret oil finds dossier released .

He said the significance of North Sea oil finds remained in large measure disguised from the public."

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4303750.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/8622195.stm

Now, noting that Venezuela has much oil,and gas for that matter, and exports oil etc to foreign lands where prices are extremely high for that imported commodity, even yet that which they call their own. It has been noted that Chavez, be whatever he may, has extremely low prices for gas and oil in his nation,interestingly 12 cents, being an oil
producing nation,Arab lands average 50cents, and even the lowly,dare we say it, Seychelles,Seychelles,Seychelles, by the sea shore, 98cents,to the gallon.

Well now, and this goes for gas(as in the vaporous heating,cooking,variety) as well.Gas ,vaporous, prices keep rising, yet that gas is not dependent on oil whatsoever.Clearly the public is being horrificly manipulated,lied to, massively price gouged, to reap huge profits for oil companies, which they have no right to. Gas and oil are yet not cheaper in the land of America,which has it's own supplies of gas and oil and claims to be not dependent on foreign gas and oil,as so still CHEAPLY imports gas and oil...yes, the land of America where the people regard their prices as being extremely high,which they really are, but as stated far lower than that in Britain.NOW,as Britain owns 90% of the North Sea oil and gas........why is Britain paying such extremely high prices for oil and gas?? Why should the people of Britain be massively abused, massively price gouged?I,Secret Squirrel demand a major price roll-back, I demand lower gas and oil prices for the people of Britain. It should be so.....we must demand that government make it so.

Secret Squirrel,

MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),

Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

MRL Discovers Canada,A Supposed Nation Of Government By Representative Population?Not So.

I,Secret Squirrel,have discovered that the Conservative Party Prime Minister of Canada,Stephen Harper,has announced intentions to increase the numbers of seats in the Canadian Parliament,by 30 seats, but is this right and just, or is it an attempt to sway and balance things improperly,in favor of the Conservative Party he is head of,to favor the province of Ontario directly to the detriment of both Parliament and the greater majority of the provinces of Canada,especially that of Quebec? Such it is indeed, the figures speak for themselves.
The figures derived from internet searches, but in all cases are nearabouts,roundabouts workable.

Population Ontario 2003 12,238,300
2010 13,150,000

An increase of 1 million(no need for micrometer exactitude),now, 18 news seats is 55,555 persons per seat,obtained by division.That is the representative figure we sill use here as it is the figure obviously used here for the Province
of Ontario,let's equally apply this to all calculations there for, in equality and equity,55,555.

Population Quebec 2003 7487200
2010 7879167

At that figure Quebec at an increase of 400,000 should add 7 new seats............but,negative the 7 seats,they're not going to receive any.This is Wrong.Very Wrong.


Now we continue using the figures for each other province of 2003, to 2010
BC with seven new seats the population differential should have increased by 388,885
4419974 2010
4146600 2003 ..increase only about 300,000............differential of 5 seats new............BC is getting 7 new seats,1 to 2 seats shouldn't be in existence by representation, as Canada's Parliamentary seats are by,as stated, populational representation.

We continue with Alberta...another province getting seats should the Canadian Prime Minister have his unwise way...

Alberta with 5 new seats should have been 277,775
3164400 2003
3632483 2010 increase only 500,000......but hey, that's 9 seats there, not 5,Alberta and Albertans,are being shorted 4 seats here,not equitable and equal by populational representation if it?

Seats in the House of Commons are distributed roughly in proportion to the population of each province and territory,in democratic fashion, or,at least are supposed to be so.

These are the numbers of seats as they presently are........

Ontario 95
Quebec 75
BC 28
Alberta 21
Manitoba 14
Saskatchewan 14
Nova Scotia 11
New Brunswick 10
Newfoundland 7
PEI 4
Northwest Territories 1
Yukon 1
Nunavut 1

total 282

Now, here using the 55555 persons to seat, we get a parliament of 567 seats total, not the actual 282,we'd be SHORT 285 seats, so the actual representative figure would not be his applied 55555 figure,and obviously the base Ontario
seat increase is improper,mathematically, not representative of the population at all ,as we have determined, but actually twice that 111110..........hmmmmmm..........half the seats all round and about then...Seems Stephen Harper's math leaves much to be desired, as has his governmental performance, including shutting Parliament down on two occaissions to suit himself and his personal and Conservative,political aims.

The 2003 population figures are 31 510 000 for Canada(This is the UN estimate, guess Canada couldn't figure it out),and the present population estimate for 2010 is set at 34 036 795.
So growth is in area of 2526,795 which should really be 45 new seats,not the 30,15 short here,not by representation of population then is it,for the total sum of the nation actually.Indeed the increase shown is already inequitable generally ALL ROUND ABOUT the nation of Canada.Clearly the added seats do not reflect,nor are they representative, of the total right and proper,population of the people of Canada.It is NOT JUST QUEBEC which is taken short, but obviously ALL THE OTHER PROVINCES not on the Prime Minister's added seat list.Only 3 are on his added seat list,and
obviously based on figures,they are also being representatively improperly represented by the Conservative government of Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and also those provinces having all experienced populational growth, are robbed by the Conservative government in not being given seats as well.Improper,This is wrong.Wrong.

So as Prime Minister Stephen Harper recently announced legislation to add 30 new members of Parliament because of Representation of population, but for the other
provinces,the seats would stay the same.Obviously not the proper thing to do.

The headlines read......

"Conservatives eye adding 18 seats to Legislature
But `we don't need more politicians,' Tories say"

according to the Toronto Star

So figures derived from the 55555 figure,seats SHOULD be

Ontario 18 new
Quebec 7 new none new
BC 2 less getting 7
Alberta 9 new getting only 5

This should things be right and proper with respect to the other provinces, which in fact we have proved that they aren't,based on total population changes within Canada representative population figures Stephen Harper prefers to ignore.So at 30 new seats,Quebec gets none,(Based on actual math that should be 20 seats in an actual reality but the population is not being properly represented in this in the first place.)Should be 32 new seats, Quebec getting 7 of those,roughly 21 per cent, and the rest of the provinces should also be getting new seats, if all things were in fact done properly.But Stephen Harper doesn't want things properly done.

So what do we determine from all this? Any way we figure this, the specs of the Conservative Prime Minister,Stephen Harper, are utterly and completely wrong, in all areas in all sectors. The people are not being properly and fairly represented, the specs are all wrong, the people are being wronged, being abused, their vote is being trashed,their representation,trashed entirely. They are being robbed of their votes, in all fairness,equality,equity, there is not being presented,represented, by the Conservative Party, by the Prime Minister of Canada,Stephen Harper.
Obviously the electoral seat adjustment is entirely improper,unfair,inequality reigns supreme,inequity,iniquity, the creation of rotten burroughs to suit the Conservative Party, to suit the Party of the Prime Minister of Canada, by the
Prime Minister of Canada,one Stephen Harper, personally, not representative of population,and calculated to reduce the representation of the people of Quebec,most directly, and all other Provinces within Canada's Confederation totally as
well,and this improper action,should it be allowed by the other parties, in only a fair and open vote,would sharply increase the improper representation of the people of Ontario, and no doubt will be calculated to favor Conservative Party
vote lines, as they most certainly do keep track of voters and counts within the electoral boundaries.The same Prime Minister who shuts parliament and parliamentary debate on the issues of the day,shuts parliament to rule in dictatorial fashion, and further extends this evil to the creation of rotten burroughs within Canada to favor
his own political aims, and his party aims. There obviously must be opposition to the addition of the new seats, and so too should the Bloc Quebecquoise, and also the Parti Quebecquoise utterly and completely object,also the entire Liberals and the entire NDP,in view of the inequity with respect to all provinces,with respect to inequality shown all provinces, and so on a vote of non confidence,they should combine to bring an end to the present dictatorial Conservative government and bring about a free and democratic election,and let the people speak.

Solving The Recession,Making The Economy Boom

MRL Solves The Recession,The Economy To Boom!!


I,Secret Squirrel,have heavily researched the economy,the recession,and have correlated the data with the length of female skirts.Notice the present headlines,U.S.Skirts Recession,How Moldava Skirts the Global Recession,EU Skirts Double Dip Recession.Well,The adage is this: Hemlines fall during recessions.

The Roaring '20s short, flapper hemline dropped right along with the Great Depression in the 1930s. The miniskirts of the booming 1960s turned into maxi dresses and long peasant skirts during the oil crisis and recession of the 1970s.Want to Fix the Economy? Wear a Mini Skirt!Yes! Wear a miniskirt!Miniskirts flooded the runways during the economic boom in the 60's then again in the booming 80s.

History suggests that as skirt lengths rise, so does the stock market,and so too does then economy.So if government knows what it's doing,and cares at all, the whole lot should start to wear miniskirts,for the good of the people,for the good of the economy.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Why Vote For Nobody?

Secret Squirrel of the MRL,Advice on the British Election,Vote for Nobody.
Why vote for Nobody?
Because Nobody is the best candidate.
Nobody will keep election promises.
Nobody will listen to your concerns.
Nobody will help the poor and unemployed.
Nobody cares.
Elect Nobody and things will be better for Everybody.
Nobody tells the truth.
Nobody will lower your taxes.
Nobody will defend your rights.
Nobody has all the answers.
Nobody will stop the wars.
Nobody makes sense.
Nobody's the best politician.

MRL Secret Squirrel Election Campaign Secrets

It's politics,it's the MRL election time once more,I,Secret Squirrel,traditionally run as a write-in candidate,here's how to run a winning election campaign.


The Rules For A Political Campaign As Noted By The MRL's Secret Squirrel.

***********The twelve commandments of the modern politician**************
as noticed by Secret Squirrel, as applied by Tories,Labour,BNP,Liberal Democrats et all.......


1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound
true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, (other party),(Opponent) is a liar, and all rounder bounder to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified
to psychoanalyze your opponent,as examples, "(Opponent), by using the word
'zucchini' in her speeches, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.For males, by using the word 'fight' so often in the speeches, clearly is a man of war and violence."

3. Speak everywhere at every opportunity: Everyone on the is just waiting for the next oratory masterpiece to leave your mouth, they're all holding their breaths until your next speech.Therefore, make a speech everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're some sort of besotted cad. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire electorate a favor by exposing it,or at least claiming one or some,exist.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin &
Yang of speeches and claims). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've said such and such, my (Opponent)(Opposing Party) has libelled me, slandered me, and politically sodomized me.I'll See them in court."

6. Force them to document,or otherwise substantiate their political opinion and or claims: Even if the (Opponent)(Political Opposing Party) states outright
that he likes this and that, you should demand documentation, and a sound explanation as to exactly why.
If Daily Mail,Daily News etc hasn't written an article their preferences, then
they're obviously obviously lying,or seriously wrong in their opinions and stands.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is used elsewhere in the world but in England shows bad breeding,avoid German,It's the war stupid, but Latin is the lingua franca of
public speaking in Britain. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi,
vici", "fetuccini alfredo", "et all",remember, your (opponent) is either pro-pasta, or anti-pasta(take the reverse course),and nihilis expectorum en omnibus.

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them
you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dork Nerds of Britain. Tell them the scores you
received on every public exam since high school.If you went to a private school, tell them it was to receive a highly concentrated personal education, "I got an 800 on my whatevers...SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, or whatever,and I can also spell the word
'premeiotic'(memorize and be ready to.....) ".

9. Accuse your opponent,opposing political party of censorship, and advocating censorship. It is your right as a loyal politician of the people Briton
to speak whatever you want to. Anyone who tries to limit your opinion is either a
communist, a fascist,a nazi or all.

10. Doubt their right to existence as a politician or political party.
And since you're the center of the political universe,not they, their opposition to you ,by now, should be regarded by the electorate as being utterly irrelevant and inconsequential.This is the beauty of political logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal from Opponents speeches(a Canadian Prime Minister applied this to his campaign to very great success), leave the toilet seat up, and blame the (Opponent)(Opposing Political Party).

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one.
At some point during your wonderful career as a would be,wannabe, or existent politician you will undoubtedly end up in a political war (campaign) with someone who is better than you.
This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you
look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do:
insult the sack of filth swine!!! "Oh yeah? Well, I'm he (she)(political party collective they)sure does strange things with vegetables (or cigars,recalling a certain American President)."

and The Golden Rule of Speeches:

The speeches will be witty,insulting,interesting,funny,humorous,criticizing,cynical,caustic, or sarcastic,
wax lyrical,be poetic,but never, ever, will they be boring.

Here endeth the scriptures.


Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

..............................................................

22 Point Plan To Win Election.

1. Always try and read the opposing political person's mind. Never wait until the other person(or country) explains itself.If that fails, try the Ouija board.

2. Judge before you are judged.

3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt.

4. Always jump to conclusions.

5. Never seek any outside assistance.

6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn't so.

7. Change your mind randomly and without notice.

8. Always treat the other side like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane.

9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other.

10. When all else fails, do not respond at all.

11. There are two possible meanings to everything, if in doubt, explain that they took it the wrong way.

12. Launch a public relations campaign disputing your opponent.

13. Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.

14. Find and pay a respected scientists to argue persuasively against incumbent government environmental policies.

15. Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don't publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view on matters of public health and environment.

16. Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your points of view as scientific fact.

17. Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken with respect to problems.

18. Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.

19. Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding when encountering global warming issues.

20. Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.

21. Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken on things to do with public Health and Safety.

22. Argue that it is less expensive to live with the effects of global warming,climate change.

Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering

.......................................................

MRL Points to Consider In An Election Campaign.

POLITICS

Use The Chicago Rules of Political Fund-Raising

I obtained the following memorandum from the Chicago political machine:

FUND-RAISING GUIDELINES

1. All political contributions must be in cash, in small denomination bills, so that the sources cannot be traced or remembered. A campaign financed by a large number of small contributions looks more grass-roots and democratic, anyway.

2. Take contributions from all sides of an issue, therefore no one can say they bought the candidate because too many conflicting interests will have the same claim. Contributions are supposed to buy access, therefore an effective fund-raising strategy is to " maximize access".

3. Never try and raise money while inside a government building or on a government job. This makes it look like the candidate is using taxpayer money to raise funds. Appearances are more importance than substances. The target knows you are the government and what that means. There is plenty of time after 5 pm to hustle for dough, and the parking lot is as good a place as any to solicit.

4. Never have the political candidate directly handle any money. The candidate can ask for money, but it has to be given to someone else to carry and spend. Remember, candidates never touch money. It looks tacky. And the candidate might spend the money.

5. Buy lots of television time and newspaper ad space with the money, because these are expenditures the media will never question. The more people who benefit from campaign expenditures, the fewer there are to question them.

6. Rewards are always made before the donation, therefore no one can claim they got the reward for the donation. Let them spend the night in the Governor's Mansion or the White House before they write the check. Of course, some people will rip the candidate off, but if the candidate wins, there is plenty of time to get even, or collect a belated donation.

7. Make sure anyone appointed to public office looks at least remotely qualified for the job so the candidate can deny the $100,000 they donated to the campaign had anything to do with them getting the job. If this is the last time the candidate is running for the position, make sure at least 3 different contributors think they're in line for the appointment, as this increases campaign cash-flow and the candidate's credibility when he or she claims they did not promise to
job to any one person. (Then appoint a relative).

8. It is illegal to take money from foreign governments. Make sure the money comes from an account in the name of a US citizen.

9. There are only two kinds of people--friends and enemies. Friends give money. Enemies give subpoenas.

10. The only way to avoid illegal political contributions is to eliminate political
contributions. Unfortunately, elimination of political contributions would make politics very unprofitable.

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

.............................................

MRL Advice On Increasing Your Chances For Election.

Her the advice is to increase votes for yourself, by increasing voters, and how to get voters that WILL vote for you, and only you,even if it's over their dead bodies.



MRL How To Get Elected

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery area. We have voters in London's cemetaries who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in London and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters and Squatters: Register the homeless at the Courthouse instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn't remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote...especially the Alzheimer's cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they'll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it, especially kids at Catholic universities.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the area where they used to live, and then in their new area. They will not be on the rolls in the new area, so they'll vote a "Questioned Ballot". Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through Heath Row: Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of London, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of cars passing through on the motorways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in London or where ever. Then vote them. They won't know, since they actually live in Scotland.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling Immigration Services where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don't win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can't win a recount, then you are not Labour.

11. Register voters from and also in foreign nations,it doesn't matter that they're citizens of foreign lands,such as Pakis,Afghanis and whatever, they'll vote for who ever will give them a vote.

12. If still using the ballot boxes, try arrange a really great after election ballot box stuffing party,what worked for Al Capone's political friends could work for you too.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

...............................
..................................................................................

MRL Political Political Behaviour Etiquette



1. Always try and read the other politician's mind. Never wait until the other politician (or party) explains itself.
For example, they could be thinking the weather is nice today. Or they could be thinking you are dirt. Or the Chinese could be thinking about improving their human relations record, or they could be thinking about where to build a new prison for
dissidents. Assume you know how they are thinking, and act accordingly.

2. Judge before you are judged. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Get there first. Before the other side can decide you are a lying scum, decide what they are--such as a worthless slime. Then act accordingly.

3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the other politician was out late because he was having such a good time talking to his mother that he forgot it was 4 AM. Or maybe he was out sleeping with every table dancer he could find that night. Which would you choose? Or maybe the Russians just had an accident when the radar screen shows incoming missiles, or maybe they have launched a pre-emptive strike on Britain. Which would you choose?


4. Always jump to conclusions. There are always two possible meanings to anything. "You won't live long politically in this city" could be a death threat, or a prediction that you will have a better chance of being elected in another city and
move away. Or, "we vigorously oppose your intrusion into our domestic affairs" could mean every nation has the right to protect its own sovereignty, or we'll shoot all the political dissidents we want to. Which would you conclude was true?

5. Never seek any outside assistance. You might not be relating well because your concept of political thought is,of course, different from theirs. On the international scene, a third party nation could be called in to mediate the dispute
over whose fish they are, or you could sink their fishing boats.

6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn't so. People (or nations) rarely speak clearly to each other. "Stop jailing your newspaper editors" spoken by the British Department of State actually means "we don't like what you're doing, but as long as our business people are making lots of money importing your cheap goods produced with convict labor, we'll just whine a bit and do nothing." This is in contrast to General Douglas MacArthur saying "We shall return" and he actually did.
Now we tell the Japanese "we'll blockade your ships if you don't quit expecting us to open our markets for your stuff while you lock British goods out of your markets," which means "ship your stuff to Mexico and we'll trans ship". Be very
careful in saying what you mean, and meaning to follow through...like saying "I'll be back" when you have every intention of doing so at the appointed time, only to find something going on you would rather have not known for sure was
going on. Always speak with misdirection, so the listener is trying to figure out if you meant what you said, or something the opposite.

7. Change your mind randomly and without notice. Politicians rarely like some level of predictability in their lives,and the electorate expects this. Predictability breeds security and trust. Neither of these concepts is good for bad
relations.Inject a serious level of randomness in a political relationship with the electorate, which will always keep the opposing politicians eyeing you with suspicion if not outright hostility.

8. Always treat the other opposing politicians like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane. Treating each other with respect breeds familiarity and trust. On the other hand, if you always approach them and their
policies and beliefs with thinly veiled contempt, or openly expressed hostility, then your political relationship with them will never be
regarded as friendly towards a foe. For example, always start a personal public conversation with them with phrases like "you come from a long line of political mental deficients" or "doesn't criminal insanity run in political thought in your family?"On the international scene, treating foreign dignitaries like idiots really improves the chances of war,which,as you know throughout history, has always been good for the economy.

9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other competeing politician. There is always a good and a bad explanation for everything. If you always assume the evil intention, you are likely to be right more than wrong,maintain an
appropriate level of relational dysfunction. Or "your nation has threatened to invade my nation 6 times in the last 50 years so why should I trust your terrorist behavior" is a great way to start peace negotiations if you don't want peace. A
famous version of this occurred in the colony of Canada,specifically Quebec,in 1795, where the French and British sat down to negotiate the surrender of New France to Britain, and the French started off by reciting how many of their
relatives had been killed by the British. The spokesman for the British responded by allowing as to how the British army quit too soon. Not another peaceful word has been exchanged between the Britain and France in over 200 years,and,indeed,shouldn't be.

10. When all else fails, do not respond at all. Refusing to respond to initiatives from fellow competing politicians,especially well-intentioned gestures of friendship and political compromise, will always chill out an otherwise
blossoming relationship of well directed haterid. On the world scene, offers of surrender sometime come at inconvenient times, like before you can prove that the atom bomb works on Japanese cities, or the Lancaster bomber can really fly through the rain and blow up Berlin. Pretending you don't understand the language, that
the phones were dead, or that you have a sudden and source-specific case of deafness does wonders to undermine relational political bliss and world peace.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

.........................................................

MRL,How To Run A Right Proper Political Campaign.

1) Recycle your opponents speeches,keep track of all their speeches and get hold of the scripts for them but be wiser and user those older one that occurred farther earlier on in their careers.The Canadian Prime Minister,Harper,a firm believer in recycling, used and uses, this technique, and then, of course, denied being
connected with the event.(In other words, if caught out, blame your speech writers,as he did).

2) Agree with your opponents goals,aims,ideals,standards and policies, President Obama of America did this with respect to Bill Clinton and others, and then happily berated them...............remember to do this as well, and don't forget the beratement part.

3) Never miss an opportunity to make a speech, always have one prepared and keep the emergency one with you at all times...remember to change speeches but after a few days you can recycle them and reuse those once more. If caught at it, tell them you're re-interating,re-emphasizing your extremely important points.This is often done during Canadian election campaigns, everything borrowed,nothing new.

4) Always kiss babies,especially at disaster scenes,and always visit the disaster scenes, to make sympathetic speeches and KISS THE BABIES, never miss the opportunity to do this,and always mention that the existing government,your opposition, is at fault for not doing enough to aleviate the situation.Remember,this worked for
US General Russel L. Honore, who then was able to publicly mutiny , and refuse to have his soldiers shoot looters in New Orleans.......it can save you too...never,ever,underestimate the power of baby kissing.

5) Know your electorate...........face it you're there to be elected by those with the power to vote, the English people, preaching conciliatory speeches to and for and favoring, for example, Polacks, will not get you votes.Rather like trying to run for elections in India and making speeches supporting Pakistanis,it just won't
do you any good.


6) Support your local sports teams,and be seen there,suggest your opposition doesn't show up for local, nor support, sports events and teams.

7)One legendary but unconfirmed example of dirty politics is said to have occurred during a heated campaign between Americans ,Claude Pepper and George Mathers in the 1950s. Mathers is often credited with delivering a speech describing Pepper's sister as a "well-known thespian." Pepper's brother was a "practicing homo sapiens."
Pepper himself reportedly "masticated daily" or "openly matriculated at college." Although none of these allegations were in the least bit immoral or illegal, Mathers counted on voter ignorance and used dirty politics to sway the voters away from a questionable candidate.You can make this work for you as well.............

8)Support pensioners and increases in pensions,state that is a major campaign platform,disparage the government for not having done so,and always mention that the governments 20pound Christmas pension bonus is far too small a sum.


9)Pay attention to your opponent's criticism of you, jump on it, mention it, accuse he or she of making unfair and unsupported statements,a very nature of their being, a sign of unacceptable inadequacy in politicians.


10) Check all of your opponent's policies, write them up, compare, add all of the similar ones, to yours, look at the differences, and add some of each to yours.Remember 8), the increasing pensions and pension gift at Christmas, and add a general tax cut for the lower AND middle classes.

11) If there is a holiday during the election campaign run, see to it you are seen and filmed celebrating it, also especially if it involves a religious festivity of sorts, any sorts, all sorts, anybodies,be the Man For All Seasons, and all religious holidays.

12) If there's some sort of ridiculous foreign war somewheres, push for bringing the troops home.State quite flatly their lives would be put to much better use helping sandbag swollen rivers, helping,saving flood and disaster victims rather than having them die uselessly in foreign lands for foreign governments.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

............................................
M.R.L. Political Quotes..............
Selected from my many political speeches...........
Vote me, vote M.R.L.
Your selected M.R.L. write-in candidate,or otherwise.....
the M.R.L. wants you........remember to use quotes,lots of quotes,even try to add who said them from time to time............use it is said, or it was said, and and I quote when not sure who said it.

And so, I quoted..................



"Any man who is under 30, and is not a M.R.L., has not heart; and any man who is
over 30, and is Labour or Conservative, has no brains."


"In politics one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone,
something that no one ever knew before. But in life...........who knows.


"The opposite of a correct M.R.L. statement is a false Labor or Conservative statement.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another one of theirs."



"Friends, Britons,Countrymen, lend me your votes. Whither t'is nobler in the mind to suffer of a
Labour government, or to take up the ballots, and by thus voteing M.R.L., end it."


" I have come to change the government, not to praise it."


"Friends, Britons, Countrymen, you have lent Gordon Brown your ears, and now is the time to get them back."

"They have fought on the hustings, they have fought in the parks,they have fought in the halls.
Now is the time to jail the Conservatives and Labour and vote M.R.L."


"What is Gordon Brown to me, or me to Gordon Brown."


"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an M.R.L. politician can only advise the people to vote for them............errr us."

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about politicians, come sit next to me."


"Forgive your politicians, but never forget their names."

"You got to be careful if you don't know what political direction you're going, because you might not get there."


"He who votes Labour or Conservative is a damned fool."

"Behind every great politician there is a crime."


"Vote early and vote often."

"There is no difference between pornography and politics, everybody is trying to get erected."

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was New Labour , and Hell followed with them.
And the horse's as* was Gordon Brown."


"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Who's Gordon Brown?"

A countryman between Labor and Conservative is like a fish between two cats.


He that is of the opinion voting will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for a vote.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game,
and dumb enough to think it's important.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedy.


The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks',
meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.


I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

....................................


M.R.L. General Policies

Yes, many politicians are out on the hustings trying to get erected, by whatever means, viagra, horny goat weed, avena sativa(oats,oatmeal, actually), but there are campaign policies which help one get one's foot in the door.



Here are most important M.R.L. polices which I stand for, I sit for and I run for...


Arms
All Britons will have the right to keep and bear arms, be it one or two, and may keep any limb that has been sawed off or otherwise removed.
This does not mean,by any means, that Britons cannot be found in a legless state.


War

There will be no war, wars are banned in Britain, there will be no war in Britain. Utterly no war. Indeed if there is a foreign war,we shall let the foreigners fight it, and we shall send the French, that's what they're there for.


Missiles

These are used to defend Britain from foreign invasions,foreigners who have wars, and make wars. It seems that it has been discovered that the Americans have sold others missile systems which do not work, don't fire, don't hit their targets etc. We shall test fire each and every one of our missiles to see if it fires and hits it's target. If not, we shall demand our money back,which is far more than Tony Blair would ever do, or any other government except for the M.R.L.

Cannon

Army cannon used to defend Britain are costly,expensive to maintain, and difficult to move about. It has been heard that Nuns claim they are cannon. Well, so be it, they shall replace the army cannon. They cost only food and keep, are cheaply maintained, and are easily moved about.


Bagpipes.

These shall be immediately returned to their Scottish regiments, or any other regiment which wishes them Indeed this solves a great problem of nobody else wanting them, for commanders on seeing bagpipes are known to say,
"Oh bloody hell! What's this thing doing here!!!" So what we do is return these to those who play them and march them round and about the country, going before the nuns, scaring the hell out of anybody who'd try to invade. Recall the Piper Of Hamlin, imagine, it states quite plainly, The Pie Eyed Piper of Hamlin, unquestionably a direct reference to a Sot.....errr.....Scot.The kids heard just one an all ran for it. More are utterly horrific, as the government previously sent them marching before everybody in foreign wars, and there always was still a piper,they have obviously all survived, and always survived.


Fly Fishing in Scotland,or Anywhere Else in The Kingdom

This sport unquestionably arose when women started to wear pants. To encourage such sports, which also attracts massive quantities of tourists to experience it, we will require all women to wear pants,long or short, with zippers.Scottish men will kindly continue to wear skirts to make things easier.



Cricket.


To reestablish oursleves in cricket we will play only countries such as Canada or the United States,Norway and Sweden, which know absolutely nothing of the game and therefor we shall start to win not only matches but entire series as well. Should we contiune to play the Australians, out of friendship, we will require that all batters intent on running, must be handicapped by being chained to bowling balls on each leg.

The London Eye.

Good heavens there's only one, definitely a second is required else people say the missing one has been poked out. Also the single eye we have is known to be leaning at an angle, similar to the Leaning Tower Of Pizza. We shall demand that the London Eye be returned to the proper kilter, so's we aren't known to be about the world as Cock-Eyed.


M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
********************

M.R.L. Social Platform


Whilst many have seen my M.R.L. technological innovations, innovations to provide the British people with much needed employment, in
technical drawing,engineering and jobs all geared to provide the British people with improved transportation, communication and quality of life and housing, some hav noted a seeming lack of social policies in my M.R.L. election campaign. Well, let me correct this.
As all my devices and improvements are solidly based on sound engineering principles, so too are my social policies.

Take for example the colony of Canada, a hinterland to be sure as the Germans define it,
In comparison with Canada, Britain has a massive economy, huge G.N.P., high value currency which has not changed in value, and miniscule unemployment. However under successive governmentsother than the M.R.L. the British people have by comparison suffered severely.
Canada has a negligible economy, tiny G.N.P., massive unemployment(what are jobs to them, nobody knows as so few are employed), and interestingly a currency which has not changed in value, not lost any ground at all, as compared with the British pound.
Obviously, Britain could afford everything that the colony of Canada has yet it's people are not provided with the same ways and means.What's missing...........
Welfare, the Dole(the prickly pineapple).......

Canadians on the dole own their own dole paid housing,either houses, condominiums or
apartments depending on social dole station in life.
On the dole they have available to them, computers and internet access paid,
all telephone charges paid, all electricity and water rates paid, all rents paid,
all medical expenses of all kinds entirely paid, ownership of vehicles and maintenance and fuels paid,plasma television luxuries all achieved. Of course their food costs are all provided for.
Indeed they even yet in that colony have provided each year paid dole vacations.
At the end of the year, they are required to file income tax reports, and there, the information required to fill it out provided by the government, THEY get money sent to them from the government for having seemingly simply filled out the form. On retirement the dole for them continues, their pension rates paid
out are higher than those who foolishly were forced to work.also any house ownership fees, condominium fees and expenses are paid out as well, whilst those
who were forced to work, must loose their houses etc, sell them etc, to afford life.
All needs are provided for.


On the other hand, shared by all, even yet those forced to actually work in that colony there are NO road tolls, NO bridge tolls.There are NO television ownership license fees.following extremely low telephone fees, local long distance rates are 2 pence per minute within the colony, 4 pence to the next nation over, and 8 pence to most Euro nations and Britain.

What I propose, if elected as M.R.L. representative of the British people, is to establish this obviously affordable system and apply it to the British people!Lunacy my detractors will say,lunacy my fellow competing candidates will say! Yes! Of course, lunacy that such life is not provided the British people! And so too lunacy it is not to vote M.R.L.


Now, will the Salvation Army Band please provide a chorus of
"We Shall Overcome" as I exit the podium,and will my Hampshiremen ,dressed as Indians ,kindly throw some bales of Darjeeling in to Portsmouth harbour.


Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister Of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

...............................

How They Win An African Election................as having been observed by Secret

Squirrel,of the MRL.



1. Pay your soldiers: The government needs its bullyboys on its side. So mention you'll have trillions of dollars have been distributed to troops, police and civil servants. Say some $137 trillion is hidden from the public eye and can be distributed from the Reserve Bank for this purpose. Thus a private in the army, that's the lowest rank, who earned his pay at present rate, can receive much more at the new rate. Also when elected remember to stock paper an dink in advance to print up the extra required for those supportive forces.That should prevent any mutinies and guarentee their loyalty when elected and support that you get elected in the
first place.

2. Use the stick in the sticks: Already violence has become a feature of the campaigns out in rural areas, where 75 per cent of registered voters live, but where the media cameras rarely penetrate. Examples have been made of "sellouts" in front of their fellow villagers. It's brutal, and it will get worse, mention it's done by
opposition supporters, and be sure if any of yours do it they associate themselves with the opposition party.

3. Don't forget the carrot. It's time once again for your men to appear with maize and cooking oil a-plenty. Through the patronage of aligned chiefs, this food is distributed to those who undertake to vote for your party, and only them. Those with a record of voting for the opposition will go hungry. And tell them this is
food aid provided by people in the USA and Europe for you to distribute.

4. Play the colonial card. In recent elections always blame your ills on the slim shoulders of the British,French or Americans. Say they're gone now, but continue to harp on about Britain and the USA or the French ganging up on you. One slogans is:"Vote for the opposition, and we will be a colony again." There are
cynics who say we should be so lucky.

5. Get a grip on prices.Threaten businesses to stop them increasing their prices.Tell them there is also a plan to open some so-called People's Shops, which will sell goods at low prices,just as Dollar Stores do in Canada.

6. Text a threat. Be not frightened by modern technology. Alarming text messages can begin popping up on mobile phones everywhere in Africa. The messages such as include the following: "If your neighbour is an ? Party supporter, throw him out of his house." "We are watching you, vote wisely and not for the capitalistic
imperialist American or European supporters." And "Value your life, vote for whoever(preferably you)."

7. Trade on people's innocence. Say an old lady from a village attended a rally in somewhere out on the veldt. A party man of such and such a party,made her look through binoculars. She was amazed by what she saw. The man told her that this magic machine will watch her when she votes, and report her if she does not vote for
whoever. Then she will be beaten. That frightened lady will now vote for whoever,explain it is the opposition party using policies of directed intimidation so directed by either the French,the Americans, or the British.

8. Got to explain Judges not keeping transcriptions of trials, mention in some cases in some provinces,the Canadian courts don't either, tell them it's an experiment there, but you know it so works that you keep it entirely!!! Can't complain about it can they!!!

9. If incumbent, destroy the ballot boxes immediately after the count, claim you won....this so worked in Afghanistan, also, bribe your "looser",mention you have the army and he can be dealt with, and pay him off.......this was a good second in the Afghanistan elections. You also can assassinate the opposition
candidate, as this worked excellently for the Pakistanis,it can work for you too.

10. Need money? Get it printed up in a foreign nation. They have lots of banknote printing companies, they'll be happy to do it for you. Before present times, and probably yet now as well, the Somalian,warlords,pirates et all,had the currency they needed printed up in Canada,by a Canadian company by the name British American
Banknote Co.


....................................................

MRL ,Changes,Do Things Ever Change.

Keywords:
voting,vote,politics,politicians,government, mrl, change,elections

MRL,Do Things Ever Change,And Is Change Good For All That Matter


Voting for change,we vote for change,we are always told to vote for change,done at election time it is,supposedly. In Britain there hasn't really been any,just the same old,same old. Canada voted for change, and the changed the $1 paper bill to a coin. They voted for change again, and then the $2 paper bill was changed to coin. Now Canada is to vote for change again. Would seem the $5 bill is due to be changed, to 5$ coin.Is change good? Well, not if it's Canadian money, I prefer pounds,US Dollars, etc. Is change ever all it's cracked up to be? Is change good? Not necessarily. We are now forced to carry change in our pockets as there's no room in our wallets for all that change, and you know what that change promises, a pocket full of mumbles. Soon we will have been carried back to ancient times when people were forced to carry their change in sacks. On seeing so many large and full sacks, the ruler then changed the taxes,to get mos of their change. Things changed then and People were then carrying far less change,money lessened, since the rulers would not change the taxation to reduced levels,the only change in taxes being increases or added taxes, and so things stagnated when there was less, creating the stagnant economy,and people would no longer buy their meat but go out to hunt the stag,so necessary now to their livelihood.

But is change all that good? Too much change is a problem, too much change is a very weighty matter, which brings things like holes in pockets, and so we have less change when some of the change is lost.The government wishes change, change brought about by removing our pence. Well I won't drop my pence for them, nay, they're all men in government,of sorts, at any rate. But they're intent on taking our pence,leaving us without our pence. Well, they just won't,and don't change do they? Well, if we're to keep our pence, we'll just have to throw the present government out,else things won't change, but we all know that who ever replaces them will do what ever they wish and so there really won't be any change at all.Indeed politicians are always confusing people by frequently changing their minds,and then things will simply go loopy until election time arrives and we have to change things once more.Time may change things, but they can't change time.Do things ever really change, does change ever really change things?It's oft been said, that things will never change,politics certainly have never changed.
Oh well, I'm off to change for bed, at least it's timely as I've changed the setting over to Savings Time.Things

will never really change.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

MRL Reforms New Years Day And April Fools Day

Keywords:
mrl, New Years Day,April Fools Day, reform, government,secret squirrel

MRL To Switch New Years Day With April Fools.


Well now it is left to the MRL to set right the present confusion and problem of January 1st New Year, and April 1st,April Fools Day.
Historically,and I have carefully researched this, in 1564 France reformed its calendar,under King Charles IX of France, first Duke Of Orleans(Charles-Maximilien,He succeeded in 1560 his brother Francis II, under the regency of his mother, Catherine de' Medici,father,Henri II) moving the start of the year from the end of March to January 1.Unquestionably he was most severely influenced by many generations of his French inbreeding,Ghonneria, Herpes,and Siphallis. Those who failed to keep up with the change, who stubbornly clung to the old calendar system and continued to celebrate the New Year during the week that fell between March 25th and April 1st, had jokes played on them.
Pranksters would surreptitiously stick paper fish to their backs. The victims of this prank were thus called Poisson d’Avril, or April Fish—which, to this day, remains the French term for April Fools—and so the tradition was born.

Then in in 1582, Pope Gregory XIII (AKA “Ugo Boncompagni”, 1502-1585) abandoned the traditional Julian calendar. The Gregorian calendar differs from the Julian in three ways:

(1) No century year is a leap year unless it is exactly divisible by 400 (e.g., 1600, 2000, etc.);

(2) Years divisible by 4000 are common (not leap) years; and

(3) once again the New Year would begin with the date set by the early pagans, the first day of the month of Janus - January 1,probably when influenced by
the consumption of too much sacrificial wine,going with the ridiculous French King's New Years idiocy.

However be that as it may we really must approach Parliament with a private members bill in the very least, and change back to the traditional,and ROMAN, New Year's date of April 1st to reverse the confusion of things.You see, all the New Year's superstitions which influence and assist it, as they may, good or ill, are based on the true date of New Years, April 1st, and hence only work when done,performed, applied on the REAL New Years Day, not on the actual and ridiculously fake date of
January 1st, hence our lives are usually horribly wrong, at least for those who don't celebrate the proper New Years day ,of April 1st. Of course, this does not by any means mean we cannot party like nuts on January 1st, we can retain that custom and tradition and celebrate it as does everybody else, but it means we do the exact same thing for the April 1st date.

Now for those who won't and don't we can play tricks and japes on the January 1st, and also, well, in keeping with the French tradition, and especially for the French, most certainly if they are in Britain on January 1st, or we can go to France to do it there as well,we shall pin a fish on the Frenchman, and anybody else who is celebrating January 1st.Now I realize it is austerity, and being a traditionalist, we must keep to character, we pin sardines, which are very much cheaper than
large fish, and come many in tins, to those. I prefer to use the proper right fish, in preference to the fake paper fish.And so those so tagged and celebrating New Year on that day, will properly be known as Poisson d'Janviers,or January Fish,the french for January Fool!! So now we have settled everybody's fish, and hash,and have gone back to the right high traditional and proper New Years date, of April 1st! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! And don't forget to celebrate January Fools Day!!


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.