It's politics,it's the MRL election time once more,I,Secret Squirrel,traditionally run as a write-in candidate,here's how to run a winning election campaign.
The Rules For A Political Campaign As Noted By The MRL's Secret Squirrel.
***********The twelve commandments of the modern politician**************
as noticed by Secret Squirrel, as applied by Tories,Labour,BNP,Liberal Democrats et all.......
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound
true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, (other party),(Opponent) is a liar, and all rounder bounder to boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified
to psychoanalyze your opponent,as examples, "(Opponent), by using the word
'zucchini' in her speeches, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.For males, by using the word 'fight' so often in the speeches, clearly is a man of war and violence."
3. Speak everywhere at every opportunity: Everyone on the is just waiting for the next oratory masterpiece to leave your mouth, they're all holding their breaths until your next speech.Therefore, make a speech everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're some sort of besotted cad. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire electorate a favor by exposing it,or at least claiming one or some,exist.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin &
Yang of speeches and claims). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've said such and such, my (Opponent)(Opposing Party) has libelled me, slandered me, and politically sodomized me.I'll See them in court."
6. Force them to document,or otherwise substantiate their political opinion and or claims: Even if the (Opponent)(Political Opposing Party) states outright
that he likes this and that, you should demand documentation, and a sound explanation as to exactly why.
If Daily Mail,Daily News etc hasn't written an article their preferences, then
they're obviously obviously lying,or seriously wrong in their opinions and stands.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is used elsewhere in the world but in England shows bad breeding,avoid German,It's the war stupid, but Latin is the lingua franca of
public speaking in Britain. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi,
vici", "fetuccini alfredo", "et all",remember, your (opponent) is either pro-pasta, or anti-pasta(take the reverse course),and nihilis expectorum en omnibus.
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them
you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dork Nerds of Britain. Tell them the scores you
received on every public exam since high school.If you went to a private school, tell them it was to receive a highly concentrated personal education, "I got an 800 on my whatevers...SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, or whatever,and I can also spell the word
'premeiotic'(memorize and be ready to.....) ".
9. Accuse your opponent,opposing political party of censorship, and advocating censorship. It is your right as a loyal politician of the people Briton
to speak whatever you want to. Anyone who tries to limit your opinion is either a
communist, a fascist,a nazi or all.
10. Doubt their right to existence as a politician or political party.
And since you're the center of the political universe,not they, their opposition to you ,by now, should be regarded by the electorate as being utterly irrelevant and inconsequential.This is the beauty of political logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal from Opponents speeches(a Canadian Prime Minister applied this to his campaign to very great success), leave the toilet seat up, and blame the (Opponent)(Opposing Political Party).
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one.
At some point during your wonderful career as a would be,wannabe, or existent politician you will undoubtedly end up in a political war (campaign) with someone who is better than you.
This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you
look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do:
insult the sack of filth swine!!! "Oh yeah? Well, I'm he (she)(political party collective they)sure does strange things with vegetables (or cigars,recalling a certain American President)."
and The Golden Rule of Speeches:
The speeches will be witty,insulting,interesting,funny,humorous,criticizing,cynical,caustic, or sarcastic,
wax lyrical,be poetic,but never, ever, will they be boring.
Here endeth the scriptures.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..............................................................
22 Point Plan To Win Election.
1. Always try and read the opposing political person's mind. Never wait until the other person(or country) explains itself.If that fails, try the Ouija board.
2. Judge before you are judged.
3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt.
4. Always jump to conclusions.
5. Never seek any outside assistance.
6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn't so.
7. Change your mind randomly and without notice.
8. Always treat the other side like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane.
9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other.
10. When all else fails, do not respond at all.
11. There are two possible meanings to everything, if in doubt, explain that they took it the wrong way.
12. Launch a public relations campaign disputing your opponent.
13. Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.
14. Find and pay a respected scientists to argue persuasively against incumbent government environmental policies.
15. Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don't publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view on matters of public health and environment.
16. Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your points of view as scientific fact.
17. Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken with respect to problems.
18. Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.
19. Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding when encountering global warming issues.
20. Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.
21. Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken on things to do with public Health and Safety.
22. Argue that it is less expensive to live with the effects of global warming,climate change.
Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
.......................................................
MRL Points to Consider In An Election Campaign.
POLITICS
Use The Chicago Rules of Political Fund-Raising
I obtained the following memorandum from the Chicago political machine:
FUND-RAISING GUIDELINES
1. All political contributions must be in cash, in small denomination bills, so that the sources cannot be traced or remembered. A campaign financed by a large number of small contributions looks more grass-roots and democratic, anyway.
2. Take contributions from all sides of an issue, therefore no one can say they bought the candidate because too many conflicting interests will have the same claim. Contributions are supposed to buy access, therefore an effective fund-raising strategy is to " maximize access".
3. Never try and raise money while inside a government building or on a government job. This makes it look like the candidate is using taxpayer money to raise funds. Appearances are more importance than substances. The target knows you are the government and what that means. There is plenty of time after 5 pm to hustle for dough, and the parking lot is as good a place as any to solicit.
4. Never have the political candidate directly handle any money. The candidate can ask for money, but it has to be given to someone else to carry and spend. Remember, candidates never touch money. It looks tacky. And the candidate might spend the money.
5. Buy lots of television time and newspaper ad space with the money, because these are expenditures the media will never question. The more people who benefit from campaign expenditures, the fewer there are to question them.
6. Rewards are always made before the donation, therefore no one can claim they got the reward for the donation. Let them spend the night in the Governor's Mansion or the White House before they write the check. Of course, some people will rip the candidate off, but if the candidate wins, there is plenty of time to get even, or collect a belated donation.
7. Make sure anyone appointed to public office looks at least remotely qualified for the job so the candidate can deny the $100,000 they donated to the campaign had anything to do with them getting the job. If this is the last time the candidate is running for the position, make sure at least 3 different contributors think they're in line for the appointment, as this increases campaign cash-flow and the candidate's credibility when he or she claims they did not promise to
job to any one person. (Then appoint a relative).
8. It is illegal to take money from foreign governments. Make sure the money comes from an account in the name of a US citizen.
9. There are only two kinds of people--friends and enemies. Friends give money. Enemies give subpoenas.
10. The only way to avoid illegal political contributions is to eliminate political
contributions. Unfortunately, elimination of political contributions would make politics very unprofitable.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.............................................
MRL Advice On Increasing Your Chances For Election.
Her the advice is to increase votes for yourself, by increasing voters, and how to get voters that WILL vote for you, and only you,even if it's over their dead bodies.
MRL How To Get Elected
1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery area. We have voters in London's cemetaries who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in London and who died, they are still eligible to vote.
2. Homeless Voters and Squatters: Register the homeless at the Courthouse instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn't remember to vote our way.
3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote...especially the Alzheimer's cases.
4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they'll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it, especially kids at Catholic universities.
5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the area where they used to live, and then in their new area. They will not be on the rolls in the new area, so they'll vote a "Questioned Ballot". Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.
6. Voters Passing Through Heath Row: Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of London, at least for a few minutes.
7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of cars passing through on the motorways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in London or where ever. Then vote them. They won't know, since they actually live in Scotland.
8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling Immigration Services where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.
9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.
10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don't win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can't win a recount, then you are not Labour.
11. Register voters from and also in foreign nations,it doesn't matter that they're citizens of foreign lands,such as Pakis,Afghanis and whatever, they'll vote for who ever will give them a vote.
12. If still using the ballot boxes, try arrange a really great after election ballot box stuffing party,what worked for Al Capone's political friends could work for you too.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...............................
..................................................................................
MRL Political Political Behaviour Etiquette
1. Always try and read the other politician's mind. Never wait until the other politician (or party) explains itself.
For example, they could be thinking the weather is nice today. Or they could be thinking you are dirt. Or the Chinese could be thinking about improving their human relations record, or they could be thinking about where to build a new prison for
dissidents. Assume you know how they are thinking, and act accordingly.
2. Judge before you are judged. Everyone has an opinion about everything. Get there first. Before the other side can decide you are a lying scum, decide what they are--such as a worthless slime. Then act accordingly.
3. Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the other politician was out late because he was having such a good time talking to his mother that he forgot it was 4 AM. Or maybe he was out sleeping with every table dancer he could find that night. Which would you choose? Or maybe the Russians just had an accident when the radar screen shows incoming missiles, or maybe they have launched a pre-emptive strike on Britain. Which would you choose?
4. Always jump to conclusions. There are always two possible meanings to anything. "You won't live long politically in this city" could be a death threat, or a prediction that you will have a better chance of being elected in another city and
move away. Or, "we vigorously oppose your intrusion into our domestic affairs" could mean every nation has the right to protect its own sovereignty, or we'll shoot all the political dissidents we want to. Which would you conclude was true?
5. Never seek any outside assistance. You might not be relating well because your concept of political thought is,of course, different from theirs. On the international scene, a third party nation could be called in to mediate the dispute
over whose fish they are, or you could sink their fishing boats.
6. What you say is what you mean, even if that isn't so. People (or nations) rarely speak clearly to each other. "Stop jailing your newspaper editors" spoken by the British Department of State actually means "we don't like what you're doing, but as long as our business people are making lots of money importing your cheap goods produced with convict labor, we'll just whine a bit and do nothing." This is in contrast to General Douglas MacArthur saying "We shall return" and he actually did.
Now we tell the Japanese "we'll blockade your ships if you don't quit expecting us to open our markets for your stuff while you lock British goods out of your markets," which means "ship your stuff to Mexico and we'll trans ship". Be very
careful in saying what you mean, and meaning to follow through...like saying "I'll be back" when you have every intention of doing so at the appointed time, only to find something going on you would rather have not known for sure was
going on. Always speak with misdirection, so the listener is trying to figure out if you meant what you said, or something the opposite.
7. Change your mind randomly and without notice. Politicians rarely like some level of predictability in their lives,and the electorate expects this. Predictability breeds security and trust. Neither of these concepts is good for bad
relations.Inject a serious level of randomness in a political relationship with the electorate, which will always keep the opposing politicians eyeing you with suspicion if not outright hostility.
8. Always treat the other opposing politicians like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane. Treating each other with respect breeds familiarity and trust. On the other hand, if you always approach them and their
policies and beliefs with thinly veiled contempt, or openly expressed hostility, then your political relationship with them will never be
regarded as friendly towards a foe. For example, always start a personal public conversation with them with phrases like "you come from a long line of political mental deficients" or "doesn't criminal insanity run in political thought in your family?"On the international scene, treating foreign dignitaries like idiots really improves the chances of war,which,as you know throughout history, has always been good for the economy.
9. Impute evil intentions to every act of the other competeing politician. There is always a good and a bad explanation for everything. If you always assume the evil intention, you are likely to be right more than wrong,maintain an
appropriate level of relational dysfunction. Or "your nation has threatened to invade my nation 6 times in the last 50 years so why should I trust your terrorist behavior" is a great way to start peace negotiations if you don't want peace. A
famous version of this occurred in the colony of Canada,specifically Quebec,in 1795, where the French and British sat down to negotiate the surrender of New France to Britain, and the French started off by reciting how many of their
relatives had been killed by the British. The spokesman for the British responded by allowing as to how the British army quit too soon. Not another peaceful word has been exchanged between the Britain and France in over 200 years,and,indeed,shouldn't be.
10. When all else fails, do not respond at all. Refusing to respond to initiatives from fellow competing politicians,especially well-intentioned gestures of friendship and political compromise, will always chill out an otherwise
blossoming relationship of well directed haterid. On the world scene, offers of surrender sometime come at inconvenient times, like before you can prove that the atom bomb works on Japanese cities, or the Lancaster bomber can really fly through the rain and blow up Berlin. Pretending you don't understand the language, that
the phones were dead, or that you have a sudden and source-specific case of deafness does wonders to undermine relational political bliss and world peace.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.........................................................
MRL,How To Run A Right Proper Political Campaign.
1) Recycle your opponents speeches,keep track of all their speeches and get hold of the scripts for them but be wiser and user those older one that occurred farther earlier on in their careers.The Canadian Prime Minister,Harper,a firm believer in recycling, used and uses, this technique, and then, of course, denied being
connected with the event.(In other words, if caught out, blame your speech writers,as he did).
2) Agree with your opponents goals,aims,ideals,standards and policies, President Obama of America did this with respect to Bill Clinton and others, and then happily berated them...............remember to do this as well, and don't forget the beratement part.
3) Never miss an opportunity to make a speech, always have one prepared and keep the emergency one with you at all times...remember to change speeches but after a few days you can recycle them and reuse those once more. If caught at it, tell them you're re-interating,re-emphasizing your extremely important points.This is often done during Canadian election campaigns, everything borrowed,nothing new.
4) Always kiss babies,especially at disaster scenes,and always visit the disaster scenes, to make sympathetic speeches and KISS THE BABIES, never miss the opportunity to do this,and always mention that the existing government,your opposition, is at fault for not doing enough to aleviate the situation.Remember,this worked for
US General Russel L. Honore, who then was able to publicly mutiny , and refuse to have his soldiers shoot looters in New Orleans.......it can save you too...never,ever,underestimate the power of baby kissing.
5) Know your electorate...........face it you're there to be elected by those with the power to vote, the English people, preaching conciliatory speeches to and for and favoring, for example, Polacks, will not get you votes.Rather like trying to run for elections in India and making speeches supporting Pakistanis,it just won't
do you any good.
6) Support your local sports teams,and be seen there,suggest your opposition doesn't show up for local, nor support, sports events and teams.
7)One legendary but unconfirmed example of dirty politics is said to have occurred during a heated campaign between Americans ,Claude Pepper and George Mathers in the 1950s. Mathers is often credited with delivering a speech describing Pepper's sister as a "well-known thespian." Pepper's brother was a "practicing homo sapiens."
Pepper himself reportedly "masticated daily" or "openly matriculated at college." Although none of these allegations were in the least bit immoral or illegal, Mathers counted on voter ignorance and used dirty politics to sway the voters away from a questionable candidate.You can make this work for you as well.............
8)Support pensioners and increases in pensions,state that is a major campaign platform,disparage the government for not having done so,and always mention that the governments 20pound Christmas pension bonus is far too small a sum.
9)Pay attention to your opponent's criticism of you, jump on it, mention it, accuse he or she of making unfair and unsupported statements,a very nature of their being, a sign of unacceptable inadequacy in politicians.
10) Check all of your opponent's policies, write them up, compare, add all of the similar ones, to yours, look at the differences, and add some of each to yours.Remember 8), the increasing pensions and pension gift at Christmas, and add a general tax cut for the lower AND middle classes.
11) If there is a holiday during the election campaign run, see to it you are seen and filmed celebrating it, also especially if it involves a religious festivity of sorts, any sorts, all sorts, anybodies,be the Man For All Seasons, and all religious holidays.
12) If there's some sort of ridiculous foreign war somewheres, push for bringing the troops home.State quite flatly their lives would be put to much better use helping sandbag swollen rivers, helping,saving flood and disaster victims rather than having them die uselessly in foreign lands for foreign governments.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
............................................
M.R.L. Political Quotes..............
Selected from my many political speeches...........
Vote me, vote M.R.L.
Your selected M.R.L. write-in candidate,or otherwise.....
the M.R.L. wants you........remember to use quotes,lots of quotes,even try to add who said them from time to time............use it is said, or it was said, and and I quote when not sure who said it.
And so, I quoted..................
"Any man who is under 30, and is not a M.R.L., has not heart; and any man who is
over 30, and is Labour or Conservative, has no brains."
"In politics one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone,
something that no one ever knew before. But in life...........who knows.
"The opposite of a correct M.R.L. statement is a false Labor or Conservative statement.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another one of theirs."
"Friends, Britons,Countrymen, lend me your votes. Whither t'is nobler in the mind to suffer of a
Labour government, or to take up the ballots, and by thus voteing M.R.L., end it."
" I have come to change the government, not to praise it."
"Friends, Britons, Countrymen, you have lent Gordon Brown your ears, and now is the time to get them back."
"They have fought on the hustings, they have fought in the parks,they have fought in the halls.
Now is the time to jail the Conservatives and Labour and vote M.R.L."
"What is Gordon Brown to me, or me to Gordon Brown."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an M.R.L. politician can only advise the people to vote for them............errr us."
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about politicians, come sit next to me."
"Forgive your politicians, but never forget their names."
"You got to be careful if you don't know what political direction you're going, because you might not get there."
"He who votes Labour or Conservative is a damned fool."
"Behind every great politician there is a crime."
"Vote early and vote often."
"There is no difference between pornography and politics, everybody is trying to get erected."
"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was New Labour , and Hell followed with them.
And the horse's as* was Gordon Brown."
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Who's Gordon Brown?"
A countryman between Labor and Conservative is like a fish between two cats.
He that is of the opinion voting will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for a vote.
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game,
and dumb enough to think it's important.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedy.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks',
meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
....................................
M.R.L. General Policies
Yes, many politicians are out on the hustings trying to get erected, by whatever means, viagra, horny goat weed, avena sativa(oats,oatmeal, actually), but there are campaign policies which help one get one's foot in the door.
Here are most important M.R.L. polices which I stand for, I sit for and I run for...
Arms
All Britons will have the right to keep and bear arms, be it one or two, and may keep any limb that has been sawed off or otherwise removed.
This does not mean,by any means, that Britons cannot be found in a legless state.
War
There will be no war, wars are banned in Britain, there will be no war in Britain. Utterly no war. Indeed if there is a foreign war,we shall let the foreigners fight it, and we shall send the French, that's what they're there for.
Missiles
These are used to defend Britain from foreign invasions,foreigners who have wars, and make wars. It seems that it has been discovered that the Americans have sold others missile systems which do not work, don't fire, don't hit their targets etc. We shall test fire each and every one of our missiles to see if it fires and hits it's target. If not, we shall demand our money back,which is far more than Tony Blair would ever do, or any other government except for the M.R.L.
Cannon
Army cannon used to defend Britain are costly,expensive to maintain, and difficult to move about. It has been heard that Nuns claim they are cannon. Well, so be it, they shall replace the army cannon. They cost only food and keep, are cheaply maintained, and are easily moved about.
Bagpipes.
These shall be immediately returned to their Scottish regiments, or any other regiment which wishes them Indeed this solves a great problem of nobody else wanting them, for commanders on seeing bagpipes are known to say,
"Oh bloody hell! What's this thing doing here!!!" So what we do is return these to those who play them and march them round and about the country, going before the nuns, scaring the hell out of anybody who'd try to invade. Recall the Piper Of Hamlin, imagine, it states quite plainly, The Pie Eyed Piper of Hamlin, unquestionably a direct reference to a Sot.....errr.....Scot.The kids heard just one an all ran for it. More are utterly horrific, as the government previously sent them marching before everybody in foreign wars, and there always was still a piper,they have obviously all survived, and always survived.
Fly Fishing in Scotland,or Anywhere Else in The Kingdom
This sport unquestionably arose when women started to wear pants. To encourage such sports, which also attracts massive quantities of tourists to experience it, we will require all women to wear pants,long or short, with zippers.Scottish men will kindly continue to wear skirts to make things easier.
Cricket.
To reestablish oursleves in cricket we will play only countries such as Canada or the United States,Norway and Sweden, which know absolutely nothing of the game and therefor we shall start to win not only matches but entire series as well. Should we contiune to play the Australians, out of friendship, we will require that all batters intent on running, must be handicapped by being chained to bowling balls on each leg.
The London Eye.
Good heavens there's only one, definitely a second is required else people say the missing one has been poked out. Also the single eye we have is known to be leaning at an angle, similar to the Leaning Tower Of Pizza. We shall demand that the London Eye be returned to the proper kilter, so's we aren't known to be about the world as Cock-Eyed.
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
********************
M.R.L. Social Platform
Whilst many have seen my M.R.L. technological innovations, innovations to provide the British people with much needed employment, in
technical drawing,engineering and jobs all geared to provide the British people with improved transportation, communication and quality of life and housing, some hav noted a seeming lack of social policies in my M.R.L. election campaign. Well, let me correct this.
As all my devices and improvements are solidly based on sound engineering principles, so too are my social policies.
Take for example the colony of Canada, a hinterland to be sure as the Germans define it,
In comparison with Canada, Britain has a massive economy, huge G.N.P., high value currency which has not changed in value, and miniscule unemployment. However under successive governmentsother than the M.R.L. the British people have by comparison suffered severely.
Canada has a negligible economy, tiny G.N.P., massive unemployment(what are jobs to them, nobody knows as so few are employed), and interestingly a currency which has not changed in value, not lost any ground at all, as compared with the British pound.
Obviously, Britain could afford everything that the colony of Canada has yet it's people are not provided with the same ways and means.What's missing...........
Welfare, the Dole(the prickly pineapple).......
Canadians on the dole own their own dole paid housing,either houses, condominiums or
apartments depending on social dole station in life.
On the dole they have available to them, computers and internet access paid,
all telephone charges paid, all electricity and water rates paid, all rents paid,
all medical expenses of all kinds entirely paid, ownership of vehicles and maintenance and fuels paid,plasma television luxuries all achieved. Of course their food costs are all provided for.
Indeed they even yet in that colony have provided each year paid dole vacations.
At the end of the year, they are required to file income tax reports, and there, the information required to fill it out provided by the government, THEY get money sent to them from the government for having seemingly simply filled out the form. On retirement the dole for them continues, their pension rates paid
out are higher than those who foolishly were forced to work.also any house ownership fees, condominium fees and expenses are paid out as well, whilst those
who were forced to work, must loose their houses etc, sell them etc, to afford life.
All needs are provided for.
On the other hand, shared by all, even yet those forced to actually work in that colony there are NO road tolls, NO bridge tolls.There are NO television ownership license fees.following extremely low telephone fees, local long distance rates are 2 pence per minute within the colony, 4 pence to the next nation over, and 8 pence to most Euro nations and Britain.
What I propose, if elected as M.R.L. representative of the British people, is to establish this obviously affordable system and apply it to the British people!Lunacy my detractors will say,lunacy my fellow competing candidates will say! Yes! Of course, lunacy that such life is not provided the British people! And so too lunacy it is not to vote M.R.L.
Now, will the Salvation Army Band please provide a chorus of
"We Shall Overcome" as I exit the podium,and will my Hampshiremen ,dressed as Indians ,kindly throw some bales of Darjeeling in to Portsmouth harbour.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister Of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...............................
How They Win An African Election................as having been observed by Secret
Squirrel,of the MRL.
1. Pay your soldiers: The government needs its bullyboys on its side. So mention you'll have trillions of dollars have been distributed to troops, police and civil servants. Say some $137 trillion is hidden from the public eye and can be distributed from the Reserve Bank for this purpose. Thus a private in the army, that's the lowest rank, who earned his pay at present rate, can receive much more at the new rate. Also when elected remember to stock paper an dink in advance to print up the extra required for those supportive forces.That should prevent any mutinies and guarentee their loyalty when elected and support that you get elected in the
first place.
2. Use the stick in the sticks: Already violence has become a feature of the campaigns out in rural areas, where 75 per cent of registered voters live, but where the media cameras rarely penetrate. Examples have been made of "sellouts" in front of their fellow villagers. It's brutal, and it will get worse, mention it's done by
opposition supporters, and be sure if any of yours do it they associate themselves with the opposition party.
3. Don't forget the carrot. It's time once again for your men to appear with maize and cooking oil a-plenty. Through the patronage of aligned chiefs, this food is distributed to those who undertake to vote for your party, and only them. Those with a record of voting for the opposition will go hungry. And tell them this is
food aid provided by people in the USA and Europe for you to distribute.
4. Play the colonial card. In recent elections always blame your ills on the slim shoulders of the British,French or Americans. Say they're gone now, but continue to harp on about Britain and the USA or the French ganging up on you. One slogans is:"Vote for the opposition, and we will be a colony again." There are
cynics who say we should be so lucky.
5. Get a grip on prices.Threaten businesses to stop them increasing their prices.Tell them there is also a plan to open some so-called People's Shops, which will sell goods at low prices,just as Dollar Stores do in Canada.
6. Text a threat. Be not frightened by modern technology. Alarming text messages can begin popping up on mobile phones everywhere in Africa. The messages such as include the following: "If your neighbour is an ? Party supporter, throw him out of his house." "We are watching you, vote wisely and not for the capitalistic
imperialist American or European supporters." And "Value your life, vote for whoever(preferably you)."
7. Trade on people's innocence. Say an old lady from a village attended a rally in somewhere out on the veldt. A party man of such and such a party,made her look through binoculars. She was amazed by what she saw. The man told her that this magic machine will watch her when she votes, and report her if she does not vote for
whoever. Then she will be beaten. That frightened lady will now vote for whoever,explain it is the opposition party using policies of directed intimidation so directed by either the French,the Americans, or the British.
8. Got to explain Judges not keeping transcriptions of trials, mention in some cases in some provinces,the Canadian courts don't either, tell them it's an experiment there, but you know it so works that you keep it entirely!!! Can't complain about it can they!!!
9. If incumbent, destroy the ballot boxes immediately after the count, claim you won....this so worked in Afghanistan, also, bribe your "looser",mention you have the army and he can be dealt with, and pay him off.......this was a good second in the Afghanistan elections. You also can assassinate the opposition
candidate, as this worked excellently for the Pakistanis,it can work for you too.
10. Need money? Get it printed up in a foreign nation. They have lots of banknote printing companies, they'll be happy to do it for you. Before present times, and probably yet now as well, the Somalian,warlords,pirates et all,had the currency they needed printed up in Canada,by a Canadian company by the name British American
Banknote Co.
....................................................
No comments:
Post a Comment