Secret Squirrel Ponders Tornadoes.

Secret Squirrel sees, and knows, reading and seeing on the tele, of things across the pond,across the big puddle,and in wishing to extend his great helping hand as he sees an America that is a disaster, in all sorts,an America out of sorts, from it's obviously of highly questionable birth President,(imagine, not invited to the Royal Wedding of Prince William,Rightwise Firstborn Son Of the Prince of Wales and Princess Diana,Stepmothered by The Duchess of Cornwall) ,and on down, floods, hurricanes, Mexicans,internal racial civil turmoil,and.........shudder,that great big fear, the tornado,actually tornadoes.

Tornado coming....the big warning, and what to do....Know where you can take shelter in a matter of seconds, and practice a family tornado drill at least once a year.Forget about the old notion of opening windows to equalize pressure; the tornado will blast open the windows for you!Cover yourself with a mattress in case things fall on you, or the house.But what's to do first,change your underwear,make sure it's clean, after all they may find you dead and you don't wish'em to think you lived like a bag man.Get in the basement and under some kind of sturdy protection (heavy table or work bench), or cover yourself with a mattress or sleeping bag. Know where very heavy objects rest on the floor above (pianos, refrigerators, waterbeds, etc.) and do not go under them. They may fall down through a weakened floor and crush you.Always there are yet other variations of things to do, but the major one is, go to the basement.Of course once it passes, and should it have hit your house, look amongst the rubble for your underwear,I imagine about now you'll have to change yours.

Well how are we to avoid tornadoes?Well now, ideally one could simply pack up and move with the house, a solution if at hand there, simply live in an RV (Recreational Vehicle), a sort of live in bus of sorts,or the smaller relative of a Camper of various variety. However, some people simply must live in houses.Well, as we know, tornadoes tend to eradicate houses.However it has been noted, watching things from the outside, that those on the inside, to whom said tornado is happening, they seem to take refuge in basements and cellerages to survive the tornado event.Well how can you avoid all of this.No one seems to have come up with a way,not so far, but I,Secret Squirrel, engineer par excellence, nemesis of The Great Ishambard Kingdom Brunel, I THE GREATER ENGINEER, if I do say so myself, have come up with a solution for it all, a solution so unique, it will affect the design of cities! Yes! Squirrel Cities! Following the Squirrel pattern of construction!

I admit this, I got the idea of the housing in the underground city of Goober Pedy in Australia,they've the right idea there, but no tornadoes........so we simply sensibly apply this to conditions of living with tornadoes. Well, there you see, is the answer, simply don't build and above ground home, build an underground home,or earth sheltered housing as the greens call it.Now I'm not suggesting something ridiculous as a Hobbit Hole, nay, I'm talking full fledged underground, comfortable,affordable, housing!!Indeed one simply must see the sense and sensibility in this.Underground housing makes use of naturally cool surroundings, tremendous savings in electricity in the summer as cooling is quite natural. Now for the winter season,the surrounding earth naturally insulates and hence there is vast energy savings as well when heating is required! All round here we have win win in terms of climate control of said underground housing.And what now of factories etc providing jobs as it were, office spaces etc etc etc.Well, dare I say it, but we have more than adequate examples of the great many underground factories which the Geramns built during the war to avoid allied bombings.Yes indeed, there were vast factories built underground, and quite workable as well they were.Entire cities can be built around underground lines.

Look at Wiltshire,England,Burlington: The 35 acre, secret subterranean Cold War City that lies 100 feet beneath Corsham. built for the cold war, underground, 35acres,Over a kilometre in length, and boasting over 60 miles of roads,completely self-sufficient the secret underground site could accommodate up to 4,000 people,Although never actually used, the New York grid-style city of roads and avenues was equipped with all the facilities needed to survive. From underground hospitals, canteens, kitchens and laundries to storerooms of supplies, accommodation areas and offices,An underground lake and treatment plant could provide all the drinking water needed whilst 12 huge tanks could store the fuel required to keep the four massive generators, in the underground power station, running for up to three months(the self generation was for emergency use, a similar Tornado city would be fed from the outside.......The city was also equipped with the second largest telephone exchange in Britain, a BBC studio from which the PM could address the nation and an internal Lamson Tube system that could relay messages, using compressed air, throughout the complex.So...........not only does the idea work in theory, but it works in practice as well.

And what will the tornadoes do above ground? Well, to be on the safe side, we can employ the thousands of abandoned or the shunned not used FEMA trailers, indeed these can be taken and we can set up false trailer parks near the underground cities.The Soviets made fake blow up tanks and other military vehicles to fool US forces you know.Similarly we could construct blow up trailers, and suitable blow those up whenever there is a tornado warning,in a fake trailer park,near to, but farther away from, our underground city complex,just to be on the safe side.You see, the tornadoes, will be naturally attracted to them, further led away from the city site, as it were, and so all things that must pass, will pass.In short we offer up these fake trailer parks in similar fashion to a libation poured on the ground to satisfy..........err Bacchus as it were, and hence the tornado will be too.


So you see,Squirrel has a solution for everybody's problems........in good time..............should the politicians of the day listen and see the sense in sensibility,but then, they're politicians, and that's all they'll ever be,they're the lot that sat in the back of the class in the corner, and had things thrown at them throughout,the shunned and despised, held in high regard only by the prefects,the lads the blessed bad girls wouldn't allow to touch them.....sad things of the day,and of the present day as well.Sad Sacks you see, sad because they won't see the rhyme and reason of Secret Squirrel's solution to the problem of tornadoes.


Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.