Secret Squirrel has turned his attention to the problems with volcanoes,ozone layer depletion,fog,smog,adverse rain conditions,flood conditions, pub(bar)brawling, beatings, stabbings, and the increasing problem of nuclear radiation escaping from nuclear plants in the process of melting down,exploding, or just generally leaking vast amounts of radiation,and has come up with his own line of clothing which will effectively and properly haberdash the British gentlemen and/or ladies for the
ridiculous conditions of the dangers of the day being faced by all.Squirrel has engineered a clothing design to solve all the problems and conditions faced by Englishmen, and women, in everyday life in Britain.Designing, under the selected and private name of,Sasquatchi, here is the solution in the proper clothing to be worn,clothing for the man for all seasons, by the man for all seasons,a suit of clothing designed for all seasons,and all reason,clothing by Sasquatchi.
Firstly we will start with the head, and there shall be placed a lamp,a miner's lamp specifically, equipped with a fog light element as well, so here we have a fully steerable lighting,which move with the head so is constantly outputing a
useful beam of illumination, thus thrusting back the darkness, and also, penetrating any fog which might be present.
Now, Englishmen are known for stiff upper lips, but we'll give'em some more backbone, as to combat,deflect,divert
safely away, all rain and the cancerous damaging sun which now reigns down on us all as the ozone layer depletes(due to volcanoes and various other effects), up the back, shall be a brolley,bumbershoot as it were(this is an umbrella in American).It shall there for also provide backbone,spines, for the spineless. and in the field of orthopedics, prevent curvatures of the spine.Rain or shine, the properly haberdashered Englishman,and woman, will be properly protected. Indeed, what with the sudden onsets of these huge drafts of cold and snow brought about in England by the scientific explaination of global warming,the proper and full kit will and should include, heatable knickers,also equipped with suitable fart filtration to prevent contributions being made to global warming which will and would only worsen these winterlike global warming effects.
Now for the visage and protection of the lungs from the effects of volcanic ash(recall we're now told to stay indoors due to this effect),we shall have a gas mask,this filters out all poisonous gases,particles,malodours,gaseous effects
of fogs, and also the gas mask will have polarized anti-uv, anti glare coating.Now this does not have to be in use all the time, so the gas mask can be carried as it was during the War,in a suitable pouch by the side ready for use.Cheap rate suits
will simply come with a limited supply of surgical masks and a pair of sunglasses. The gas mask is preferred as it deals much better with everyday problems such as sudden malodorous farts as may be encountered on the omnibus,underground,aircraft etc.
For the problem what with stabbings,beating,pub brawls etc, we shall return to the standard gentlemens suit of iron pantsed armour as it were, in short, it's back to the tin suit, properly tailor made.We feel it's best go with the best, but a cheap rate will incorporate a somewhat similar kevlar suit.I encourage actors to wear this as a deterent to beatings,stabbings,shootings etc and various other demonstrations and manifestations as might occur by those incensed with
their bad acting.As an added plus, this will help protect against a sudden pub visit by a burka clad person, some of which are known to have sudden explosive personalities,the metal and kevlar proving a deterent to shrapnels,explosion blast and also the blood and guts of the exploding personage.
Now what with the ever increasing nuclear accidents,and incidents,and disasters, such as the Three Mile Islands,the Chernobyls,the Fukushimas,et all and whatever, which keep occurring, with the release of massive amounts of radiation, the tin
suit shall be made from an alloyed tin and lead,which will and shall protect the wearer from the effects of nuclear radiations,whilst at the same time providing the strength required for pub visits.
Now how will we deal with flooding,sudden flash or otherwise floods,which are predictably occurring in Britain these years and so move the properly haberdashed English gentlemen or lady about safely in flood conditions. Well,
we will incorporate,what we have seen in Japan,a suitable over pulled a kayak pants.This will fit nicely over the tin suit, and/or kevlar and alloyed lead radiation protection.Indeed this is a self inflating pants which turns in to a
kayak,as demonstrated in Japan, and so is most suitable to flood conditions.The cheap rate version will simply incorporate a suitable rubber ring,similar to an inflatable attached inner tube, it is one actually, and for the ladies we will use the suitable highly decorated pool rings in keeping with fashion trends.The ladies have a trendy,fashionable and optional inflating bra,worn on the outside, Madonna fashion, and these inflatable boobies will additionally inflate to help save one in
conditions of extreme flooding. Of course, men could conceivably wear one,but then one might be lumped in to the trendy by bohemian category Elton John and David Bowie find themselves in,men may or may not find this suitable. However, it is also
mentioned that while these inflatable boobies could be blown up in case of flooding emergency, in everyday use, they could be filled with beer,wine,liquor, and the inflating tube then becoming a liquor fill and feeding tube as required. In event of sudden flooding one had best consume,imbibe as it were, the beverage quickly so as to be able to utilize the inflating abilities for the developing flood emergency. Listening to government flood warning could clue one in as to when an emergency imbibation is necessary to ready the device for flood inflations.
And,indeed, yes, a children's line will also be available! There the gas masks will sport the faces of the likes of Mickey Mouse,Daffy Duck,Goofy(that'd be for a future politician,),etc,(as they were in Britain during WWII), and their floatation rings would be a suitable pool swimming ring,in keeping with the rules of children's fashions.Japanese businessmen in keeping with their good time boys nature,going cheap rate here in similar fashion, could go with The Swan,though the appearance of same at office parties may be frowned upon by their upper management.
There is an added plus for the American line, the tin/lead/kevlar suit would sport a ball and chain,detachable, to help keep Americans down in events of tornadoes,this being detachable for flood events so as to not weigh the wearer down.This could also be worn by known future victims of organized crime rubouts so's not to make trouble as they exit this world, conveiniently and cooperatively being ready for a trip to sleep with the dead fish.I understand the mob is merciful to those who cooperate with them.
Problems solved!All problems solved!! And so too, the day of the Squirrel Suit will see the light of day on the fashion runways of the world,Squirrel,designing under the selected name of Sasquatchi, a name soon to be as famous as that of Yves St.Laurent and Armani, in the fashion world!
Sasquatchi suits all!!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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