Keywords:
mrl,monster,raving,loony,party,global,warming,climate,change,cooling
MRL Encouraging The Fight Against Global Warming Gases.
Gee an American underwear manufacturer is doing his best to fight those noxious global warming gases.
The 'Under-Ease pants' feature a built-in, multi-layered replaceable filter, made of felt, charcoal and fiberglass wool.
To prevent gases escaping without passing through it, the underpants are made from air-tight fabric and completely sealed with elastic around the waistband and legs.
The inventor of the pants, Buck Weimer, describes the pants this way: "Under-Ease are underwear for protection against bad human gas".
"We get a lot of jokes - but we don't doubt that this is a serious product that serves a purpose. They can be worn anytime, anywhere - in bed, to work, at social events, including professional meetings or when travelling in any vehicle, including an airplane".
He says the pants are machine-washable and the filters can last several weeks.
It's jest something everybody can do to ease the global warming gas barrage earth suffers from., but can we get those who go underwear less like Britney Spears,Paris Hilton et all, those who contribute most to the problem by not wearing underwear at all, to condone,recant, and help us save the earth.......................or will our efforts be jest so much fart gas?
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................................................
M.R.L. Global Warming Solution Confirmed
Antarctic icebergs may offset carbon emissions
according to........(The Guardian)
"A massive tabular iceberg adrift in the Weddell Sea off the Antarctic peninsula.......................
Icebergs that break off Antarctica and drift away are hotspots of life and may help reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the world's atmosphere, according to new research.American scientists said thousands of floating icebergs that had split from Antarctic shelves as a result of climate change were having a major impact on the ecology and chemistry of the ocean around them.
The icebergs hold nutrients that they release far out to sea as they melt, sustaining a community of seabirds, krill, fish and phytoplankton spread over a radius of up to two miles around each one.
University of South Carolina geochemist Timothy Shaw, one of the authors of the study, said: "The Southern Ocean lacks a major source for terrestrial material due to the absence of major rivers.
"The icebergs constitute a moving estuary, distributing terrestrial-derived nutrients that are typically supplied by rivers in other areas of the oceans."
The phytoplankton sustained by the icebergs absorbs CO2 from the water around it, the study said. This could have important implications for climate change research, as it may mean the world's oceans will be able to absorb more CO2 from the atmosphere than previously thought................................."
Well now here it is,my theory, my solution to the global warming crisis. Yes, I can firmly state, as is evidenced by my previous solutionary writings upon the very subject of Global Warming, has been completely confirmed by scientific fact. Indeed I stated, quite directly, that ice burgs should be encouraged to break off, and be directed in to the Gulf Stream, where they would swirl around and melt, just as ice cubes are swirled around in a drink, to coll the drink, here the icebergs would cool the earth and so reverse Global Warming, cooling earth. Indeed yes.Note the effects further on CO2 emissions, note the reducing effect on those as well, creating an atmospheric CO2 scrubber as well! Now Branson has stated that should a solution be found,those who find it will be well rewarded............however I must state that when I presented myself at his gates, I was met with the customary greeting for those of lesser means........................"Sod Off Mate!"Perhaps it was my noted scientific remarks that he wear underwear as a fart filter to reduce Global Warming emissions, that irritated him. Oh well Sutch it is with men of science and engineering.But I am displeased,and indeed at least they remember me in North Cheam.
Also, I should add, further, that my part of the solution is a placating political one as well, preventing a war, and providing England with solid income. Some of the broken off ice bergs will be towed to America, thence sold to the Americans. You see, the Americans need oil, so they have these wars to procure oil for themselves. Now they need water, and the Canadian colonials fear that America will declare war on them in efforts to get what little they have......................water. Well, here we solve that problem as well, and contribute to Global Cooling, and reduce and defeat Global Warming, and stop another American invasion of the colony!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................................
Global Warming,The Ultimate Final Cure
Nuclear winter is a hypothetical global climate condition that is predicted to be a possible outcome of a large-scale nuclear war. It is thought that severely cold weather can be caused by detonating large numbers of nuclear weapons, especially over flammable targets such as cities, where large amounts of smoke and soot would be injected into the Earth's stratosphere. The term has also been applied to one of the after-effects of an asteroid impact or supervolcano eruption.
Large quantities of aerosol particles dispersed into the atmosphere would significantly reduce the amount of sunlight that reached the surface, and could potentially remain in the stratosphere for months or even years. The ash and dust would be carried by the midlatitude west-to-east winds, forming a uniform belt of particles encircling the northern hemisphere from 30° to 60° latitude (as the main targets of most nuclear war scenarios are located almost exclusively in these latitudes). The dust clouds would then block out much of the sun's light, causing surface temperatures to drop drastically.
So..........................we atom bomb places we don't need or don't
like...........................like...........................pick your favorite place.......if you were British you have two places, Germany and France seem to share each other..........but who's to decide........................you?Well, somebody do the right thing, pick and save us all.The Lord alone knows New Labour would choose Parliament.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
........................................................
Secret Squirrel,Re-Engineering The World..........Today!
Global Warming................What If........
Hmmmmmmmmmmm...Global Warming, is it all that bad? Well, no, not for Britain! Global warming implies warmer climes, higher temperatures. This is supposed to increase the level of water, the oceans. This would mean Britain would have
comfortable beaches inland,obviating the necessity of traveling to the coasts to get to the beaches, also what with the increased temperatures Britain would be a beach paradise, making it unnecessary to travel to tropical beaches.
The resultant water rise would also eliminate the tropical beaches that presently exist, meaning they would have to travel to Britain, increasing tourism and the pounds gained from tourism rather than just eating.We would have palm trees dotting the West Midlands. Of course it may have a drawback in that politicians would tell us to go husk coconuts,but then that's the only thing they haven't yet told us to do so what of it?
It would also flood a few cities, creating unimaginably beautiful Venices in Britain, attracting yet more tourists whom we could literally punt down the streets, something Britons can mostly only dream of doing nowadays.
Also the resultant sea rise would unquestionably drown many Frenchman, and bathe the rest in water thus creating a much better European climate. Also the Dutch dykes would be easily penetrated, and you know how difficult it is to sandbag one of those.
It would also boost the flagging British shipbuilding industry with demands for the building of huge arks,creating thousands of jobs! The PETA people would have to bung up what with their being no demand for furs. One could only hope that they wouldn't take up a cause against the stuffing of wild bikinis.Of course these would proliferate round and about Britain, no doubt bringing strained relations with the Americans who are against all forms of proliferation except their own.
Canadian Greenpeace and the Greens would be no problem at all as it would thence be entirely proven that they were all at sea.
Is Global Warming really a bad thing, or jest one that's bad for everybody else? Myself I'm all for really firing up the barbie!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
....................................................
Global Warming? What! Me Worry?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm global warming....is it all it's cracking up to be? How are we pondering global warming? Well, we're standing around pondering global warming whilst swishing round the ice in our drinks, in short we are cooling off as our drinks are cooling off. Well I have pondered that the earth is actually doing the same thing. Notice we have our earthquakes starting up again. Well, the earth has responded by shaking itself, and ever swirls around the oceans as it is turning. Scientists have noticed a rate change there as well. What the earthquakes do is to break off chunks of Greenland, Danish scientists have noticed this, creating more iceburg ice cubes. Similarly the Australians have noticed huge chunks of their Antarctic ice fields are floating about. This creates the ice cubes the world needs to cool itself off. The earth has further responded by altering it's spin rate(rate of turning as it were), and so swirls the produced ice burg chunks(natural ice cubes) round and about the oceans, naturally cooling off the earth and eliminating the warm effects of global warming. One see how readily the earth has naturally responded with naturally sound, tried,true and tested engineering. And now, no longer worrying about global warming, I shall return to cooling off whilst pondering my ice filled drink which I'm happily assisting in cooling by swirling it around.
Global Warming indeed,why in a few short days up here in the wilds of Canadian Colony I shall be standing with my globe in snow, weathering horrificly great blowing blizzards of snow and ice................Global Warming indeed.
Bah! Humbug!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
Showing posts with label warming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label warming. Show all posts
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
MRL's Secret Squirrel's Dynamic Plans For Improvement
Keywords:
hurricanes,global,warming,climate,war,income,tax,floods,house,underground, secret squirrel,airlines,catapults,broadcasting,education,languages,teaching
M.R.L. Solves Hurricane Problem and Global Warming At The Same Time.
Secret Squirrel has studied closely hurricanes and global warming,searching for solutions to the problems associated with them,preventing them.
So Bill Gates is now attempting to patent a new invention of his,and others,the project is a brainchild of Intellectual Ventures Lab, an invention lab founded by ex-Microsoft executives......Pull barges out to the middle of the ocean and pump water down to where the temp is 40degrees cooler and pump the water back up to cool the ocean.
Bill Gates has introduced a plan to stop hurricanes before they hit land, PCWorld and others report..............but notice his greed, all for himself, notice the diagrams shown show the required barges just off the American coast in the Gulf Of Mexico............notice the funding plans, notice Gates, Myhrvold and associates believes the project could be funded by selling insurance to hurricane-prone areas residents including funding from state, federal and local government agencies......................funded by selling insurance to hurricane prone people,is that not patently an attempt at extortion?? Aha! Clearly,his ridiculously puny, project cannot possibly even yet succeed, indeed even yet may not be meant to................a plan derived by whimpering little ponzies..................suckling at the teat of limitless government funding on a useless idiots project.
Well we remain unaffected by this........ we cannot be held to ransom,nay, we must not be held to ransom no one in Europe can nor should be held to ransom, and subjected to funding and paying for these ridiculous and idiotic schemes.............we simply don't have hurricanes, and that solves our problem. But, we must assist the world in the elimination of the threat of Hurricanes, and we must do it in such a fashion that the people of the world are not held to ransom, not subject to massive funding and expenses and insurance schemes to fund that type of project...nay, not when a scheme which costs virtually nothing and scientifically does the job of stopping Hurricanes worldwide is at hand, and also a project which at the same time, will stop, utterly Global Warming!
Actually I have fathomed something, I have a much less expensive plan to accomplish the total stoppage of Hurricanes,Cyclones and whatever they are called, and to stop Global Warming by introducing Global Cooling.............and,nay, I am not greedy, this is from I,Secret Squirrel, from the M.R.L., for us.....to the world........absolutely free!!
Indeed all that really needs be required, is that we break off as needed, vast chunks of the horrifically massive and convienient Antarctic, and Arctic ice caps, and direct the flows in to the gulf stream, There the massive ice pieces will swirl round an about the Atlantic,following the Gulf Stream, moving round and about off the coasts of the nations and continents,slowly melting. The Pacific has similar circulation ocean currents and there too the principal could and would be applied.Actually the effect is much like the scientific concept of cooling ones drinky winky as one swirls the ice cube in it round and about.
Now I know what you're thinking, the melting ice will inundate and drown Holland as it melts.
Firstly I don't live in Holland,and so too does not 99.9% of the rest of the world as well.
Secondly if anything did flood Holland they all wear wooden shoes so they would all float upside down until rescued and moved to higher ground.
Thirdly, and most importantly, is the scientific fact that the ice caps sit on top of the sea as it were, in short the top of the sea has frozen causing the ice caps, and that being the case, the ice which is frozen water, has already thence displaced itself in the sea, and so is merely being returned to the liquid state, so adding not a drop of extra water to the sea itself, just cooling the earth down for us all to enjoy.
Of course, I must mention this, the effect of my Global Cooling technique will also benefit all of mankind with respect to Hurricane control as well, due to the already mentioned scientific fact that cooling down the sea, and hence the earth, will prevent,stop, eradicate, Hurricanes thence as well, all along the American coast as well, at no additional charge, at no cost at all...............this cheaply and inexpensively solving the problems of humanity. Indeed, my scheme,here patently free for the good people ,of not just Britain,not just Europe, but indeed of the entire world, will give stoppage to Hurricanes,stoppage to Global Warming, and stoppages to Bill Gates.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering,
.................................................
MRL......Gift The People! Abolish War!!
Secret Squirrel has set about to find a solution for war,to prevent war,to abolish war!!We note how the cost of war in Afghanistan soars to £2.5bn
this according to The Guardian newspaper article here found
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/feb/13/afghanistan-iraq-bill-british-military
The cost of Britain's military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq this financial year has soared to more than £4.5bn, an annual increase of more than 50%, figures released yesterday reveal.
So,if there was no Afghan War, No Iraq War, all in support of the Americans, Labour could easily have gifted the entire population of Britain, at 60,943,912, each, man woman, and child according to the census figures, at least have gifted each, gratis, with 2million pounds!!!!!!! But Labour hasn't hasn't it......why continue the wars, why have the wars in the first place......why not do the right thing, cease all war operations, bring the lads back, let'em rest in Britain as they should and give each citizen(and they count amongst the citizenry as well), 2 million pounds!!! Why that would easily solve everybody's problems! And it is obviously easily affordable!!!But then, Labour is a problem isn't it.................. Well, as M.R.L. I propose when we come to power we avoid, wars, declare wars illegal, refuse to participate in wars entirely and so suitably we can easily afford to give each and every citizen, $2 million pounds. Also, since Income Tax was introduced to fund wars, and wars being deemed unnecessary..........we can also abolish income tax and so the citizenry's $2 million pounds will be a tax free gift.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.........................................................
M.R.L. Emergency Flood Measures Project-Project Drain Hole.
I,Secret Squirrel have a project to do away with floods.
The West Midlands flooding disaster was and is a disaster. The previous flooding in Cumbria etc etc etc were and are government disasters..................no efforts made to prevent them, no efforts made to see to it they don't re-occur. Indeed we in the M.R.L. have a grand solution to prevent all such future floodings. True I have other anti-flood projects in the engineering works, planning etc done, but the government has refused to see sense to implement them, at least they've extended pub hours at the behest of the M.R.L. we can be thankful for that. Now there is a speedier solution to the problem, may take a few years, but the job will get done and the engineering is sound, using existing modern technology, we can and will persevere in our efforts to get things done, the way of the M.R.L.
Now, water, as we know, is found in rivers,lakes,wash tubs, wash basins etc. so we all know as the Romans taught us, water flows downhill and collects in the deepest places, there finding it's water level as it were. Well we also all know, that in our tubs, and basins,there is this thing called "a drain", usually present with a plug, the drain can be open allowing water down it, to drain, or it can be stoppered,collecting water till the plug is pulled. Well, in the flood areas, we have a major collecting basin, which is lower causing flood waters to collect, and this lower area in all cases, is then obviously stoppered, by the very earth they live on.
Well, I have pondered engineering manuals,books,diagrams and have discovered some interesting projects. Firstly came the Americans, with a Project Mole Hole, a project to drill a mile deep or more in to the earth, really an attempt by them to reach what they,and we, believe is the land of the Mole People, and so escape the Hell that it is to live in America,and also to negotiate with the Mole People to have them attacks the Russians. They informed the Russians, of their benevolent research digging project,and they then canceled the project, probably out of fear that the Mole People would find it better to invade America and make it the land of the Mole people. The Soviets, however,took the task seriously(perhaps they wanted to find the Mole People,once they learned about their existence, and encourage them to invade America), or else knew what to do..........what with all the ridiculous failing American projects of the day, (New Orleans levees..................Boston Big Dig.), one can assume it is the latter.
I have in my hands this secret Soviet digging project. Here let me elaborate..........
"There was a drill-rig enclosure, over 200 feet tall,and over forty years ago, researchers in the Soviet Union began an ambitious drilling project whose goal was to penetrate the Earth's upper crust and sample the warm, mysterious area where the crust and mantle intermingle– the Mohorovicic discontinuity, or "Moho.",or so they led everyone to believe, it was actually short for Mole people, and attempt to drill down to the dreeded Mole People, open negotiations with them and have them attack the Americans. So deep is this area that the Russian scientists had to invent new ways of drilling, and some of their new methods proved quite inventive. But despite the valiant effort which spanned several decades, the Russians never reached their goal, and many of the Earth's secrets were left undiscovered, and the Mole People never contacted. The work done by the Soviets did, however, provide a plethora of information about what lies just beneath the surface, and it continues to be scientifically useful today. The project is known as the Kola Superdeep Borehole.
Beginning in 1962, the drilling effort was led by the USSR's Interdepartmental Scientific Council for the Study of the Earth's Interior and Superdeep Drilling, which spent years preparing for the historic project.Inside the project's 200-foot-tall enclosure resides a unique drilling apparatus. Most deep-drilling rigs use a rotating shaft to bore through the ground– using a series of extensions which are incrementally added as the hole grows deeper– but such a method was unworkable with a hole as deep as Kola was planned to be. To overcome this, the Russian researchers devised a solution where only the drill bit at the end of the shaft was rotated. They accomplished this by forcing the pressurized "drilling mud"– the lubricant pumped down the drill shaft– through the specially-designed drill bit to cause it to spin.
Today, the deepest hole ever created by humankind lies beneath the tower enclosing Kola's drill. A number of boreholes split from the central branch, but the deepest is designated "SG-3," a hole about nine inches wide which snakes over 12.262 kilometers (7.5 miles) into the Earth's crust. The drill spent twenty-four years chewing its way to that depth, until its progress was finally halted in 1994, about 2.7 kilometers (1.7 miles) short of its 15,000-meter goal."
Well, the technology is at hand, what needs be done, in each area of England with major flooding recorded in the past(assuming the government knows where and when and that they occurred).........a locate the lowest part, there in the center, we drill our hole, three feet wide will do nicely, and there equidistant(that's engineering terms), meaning at equal distances out from, the center, we drill four more such holes, say a mile equidistant, and then equally symmetrical to each other(more engineering terms, means in a nice pattern), and there we drill our holes,not Mole Holes,not Kola Holes, but ruddy great and good proper English Holes!. We drill a touch deeper than the Soviets did(must improve on things), fit the tops with a drain cover, and there and then we'll have naturally water drains just like in our bath tubs!! And, you and I just know this will work(as will and do all of my engineering projects). So there in hindsight, is our solution to the problem of flooding in Britain. Ever we proceed, with our backsides to the future,moving ever onwards, whilst looking behind us.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................................
Whilst consulting anciente documents hidden away in the subterranean
tunnel depths of an abandoned English Saxon monastery, I came across
the secret coded charts of one ancient prognosticator Nostradumass.
It seems that he has predicted a horrific hurricane to strike Hull
from the North Sea bringing inundations of stinky herrings,sardines,
and Norwegians, soon, the date being unspecific,but the signs are
present.
Further
the prediction goes on that the "city shall rise up, upon the waters
and shall flourish and grow."The future has been shown, the warning
of the hurricane to come is as clear as leaks in levees but he date
is as murky as flood water.Clearly this is a frightening prophecy,
and we must prepare, indeed we shall actually follow the prediction
in assisting the city in growing and flourishing. I have pondered
things engineering wise and know what actually needs be done.
What we must do is raise the city, not in alarm, but each and every
edifice must be raised up on stilts, as it were, actually fortified
concrete slabs, to a new height twenty feet higher, complete with
lawns,front and back.
We have a clear example of this in action in
the South Sea Islands, where houses are built upon stilts, though
there this is mainly to prevent snakes from entering the edifices,
here we have seen such an example of construction applied to flood
waters as well.Indeed also we must similarly raise on pillars, the
roadways as well.The city will thus be raised above events, and so
avoid catastrophic failure due to flooding!
Indeed we can make use of the extra space beneath the raised city,
for rail,tram, and bus traffic only thus making the city's regular
transit much more efficient. Of course, when a hurricane arises,
especially the hurricane, those employed down there will have to
retreat upwards to the safety of they city, until such a time as the
flood waters subside thence to get things going once more transit
wise. In short we in the M.R.L. will have solved the problem of
flooding cities.
The Great City Of Hull will be our shining beacon to the future
of our ability to solve the problems of the future with the examples
of the past, truly we shall progress and move forwards, with our back
sides to the future.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..................................................
Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
As floods occur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, existent a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
See accompanying images of these fascinating,useful and necessary flood clothing items.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
M.R.L. On The Development Of Underground Housing.
So here is the headline finally out. Secretly I have been encouraging the development of such housing, clearly it has vast energy savings and advantages for the citizen and also for the nation,finally there are those on whom wisdom is not wasted,why just the other day I was discussing with a housing builder who was in fudiciary difficulties,that he should go underground.............do read on...........
And I here quote...........
Unveiled: Britain's first £2m underground mansion designed to keep away prying eyes
By Daily Mail Reporter
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1225423/Unveiled-Britains-2m-underground-mansion-designed-away-prying-eyes.html?ITO=1490
Proving just how much the housing market has gone through the floor, the go-ahead has been given for Britain's first underground mansion.
Developers have announced plans for a £2m subterranean property, which will be entered via an unassuming door at ground level and descend up to 50ft below............The house will be heated by an underfloor heating system, while hot water will come from a large-scale ground source heat pump which uses heat exchange technology to capture warmth in the ground to heat the house........the property would be fitted with a state-of-the-art ventilation system, and claimed that it would require up to 75 per cent less fossil fuel than a regular family home.....'There are some very sensible and practical reasons for developing down as opposed to upwards. The property has very little impact on the surrounding environment.
'It is easy to heat in winter and to keep cool in summer and by incorporating the highest standards in renewable design solutions the energy demands of the building can be cut to almost zero...........................here unquoted.
Of course, this is a touch pricey but one can see the advantages. Also as one has large homes, or mansions, one has smaller ones as well, and clearly smaller ones could also be, and should also be, built on similar lines.Also we should extend our helping hand and wisdom to our misguided cousins across the sea,those in the lost colonies of the expanded Virginia's presently known as,the Americas. It seem there they have great problems what with hurricanes and tornadoes.They suffer from vast destruction of their houses............so the solution is since the destruction is above ground, the solution is to go underground, build the housing underground! Indeed I am sure this would improve Britain's field position in the field of Foreign Affairs,helping hands across the water,eh,whot!!! But imagine,the fear,the trepidation,imagine this huge tornado coming, what with its great enormous sucking and blowing, and gone is one's house! Now what with the house underground, the only such event that could result in that would be marriage and it's divorce!!!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...............
MRL Plan To Profitably Reduce Effects of Global Warming
Secret Squirrel here expounds on how to reduce the effects of global warming and to turn a profit at the same time.Some scientists and people, are worried about the ice caps melting,due to the effects of global warming,with the resultant massive flooding of seacoast areas. Of course ways have been pondered to reduce the global warming, hence reduce the melting and the effects of melting of the ice caps. However, there is a constructive,productive and lucrative method of assisting in this.................what we do is simply to build ice mining and melting and bottling establishments in the arctic regions..........that's right, mine, melt the ice, then purify,bottle it, and sell the bottled water! Grand! All Europe requires bottled water as the city supplies are in shoddy contaminated and disease spreading states hence there is a huge market for it. Indeed yes, also, Britain itself could make use of such a vast and unquenchable supply through a national publicly owned for shares utility and so reduce the effects of the profit hunger money grabbing privatized companies so shoddily managing and profiteering over Britain's own water supply, selling it back to the British people and such exhorbitant rates!Also,the product could be sold to the Arabs in exchange for oil, barrel for barrel as it were, that'd make gas as cheap as water for us,or at least should were it not the present mostly foreign oil profiteering companies!! Indeed I strongly suspect rumours of this project has already been espied by certain nations, noticeably the Chinese,Russians and Americans who have staked huge claims to vast areas of the antarctic when they got the merest rumour that such an enterprise had been proposed,and indeed, possibly already existed.Indeed this entrepreneurial endeavour solves the issue of oil pricing, and European water supply, and reduces the effects of Global warming as well.............We in the MRL must push forwards such an enterprise to properly utilize the Falkland Islands Antarctic territorial claim area and turn over an excellant profit while at the same time reducing global warming.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
................................
MRL Airlines, SUTCH An Airline
Ah yes, Air Sutch, and airline of EXPERIENCE, and airline to EXPERIENCE, nothing ridiculously VIRGIN-al here.............
Ah well...............time to ponder engineering improvements to airlines, improvements to lower fuel consumption, improvements to provide travelers with greater flexibility in a free choice of ANY destination, improvements to provide travelers with the ability to travel right to the door, within the very yard, of their destination.
Firstly airlines must be equipped with,airports as a suitable gathering,collecting,departure point is mos+t definatly required. This means we can use EXISTING airports, thus reducing costs tremendously.Savings all around, only one class, steerage, and tremendous fuel saving,savings in reduction of airline aircrew personel,reduction of aircraft if needed as all will fly full.
Passengers for Short Distance Flights.
Now at said departure point there will be a suitably constructed, along Roman lines, since theirs were unquestionably the best,CATAPULTS. The passenger will mount the catapult bowl, complete with luggage,wearing THE most modern of steerable paraglide parachutes, and thence will be launched in to the air in the direction of their destination. Of course steerage will be done by the passengers, and the only flights will be those of steerage class. Hence for short range flights the passenger can arrive at the door of their selected destination. Sutch passengers will also be provided with maps to ease their ability to reach their own destination.The paraglide chuts will be picked up locally and returned to the airline for reuse.A suitable courier company pickup system can be utilized.
Medium Range Flights.
For medium range flights we will require the assisted takeoff of a suitable airliner, but nothing extravagant need be used as extreme high altitude flight will not be necessary. Here we follow the dictates of Felix Baumgartner. Each passenger is provided with the required carbon fiber airfin and oxygen pack strapped to their back, along with a paraglide parachute with which to glide to the door of their destination. Of course this will give them the ability to land within the yard of their destination. They can take along a mandatory two bags for proper balance, and will be provided with maps for their destination. The backpack and chute will then be picked up locally and returned to the airline for reuse(here we see we can please the Greens with our recycling, and also note the immense saving in fuel since no actual fuel is used by any passenger.
Long Range Flights.
This will provide an immense saving in fuel and of course maximal passenger destination selection. Here we take off in our airliner. Again the passenger will be disembarked in the air, using the paraglide parachute, and glide down to their selected destination. Here the airliner will take off, approach the destination area, and descend to the discharge altitude for the convenience of the passenger. The passenger will again be supplied with a map, and be required to have two carry bags for aerodynamic balance in flight. Should it be necessary for the airline to provide a second ballast bag, or even yet both for long range commuters, there will be an additional charge. As with all other flight packages, the flight equipment and any ballast bags will be picked up locally and returned to the airline for reuse.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
********************************************************************************
MRL Secret Squirrel Uses Acoustic Mirrors To educate The French
I,Secret Squirrel,here propose to make use in the education field, of the Denge Acoustic Mirror dishes,which have been gathering dust on the cliffs of Kent these many years, forlorn and abandoned, all but forgotten, their former task having been long forgotten to the minds of many British people.But, I am intent on once again utilizing the dishes, but in reverse of their original design as listening posts. Now we all know that a microphone is actually a speaker and a speaker can actually be a microphone.
I am proposing to re-activate the Denge Dishes, in reverse. In World War II they were employed to listen for enemy planes arriving from France, what I propose to do is to reverse this, use the Denge Dishes as speakers and broadcast to France. Of course we shall broadcast sensible things, such as encouraging Frenchman to learn English,encouraging them to tune in to the Shivering Sands Radio Sutch which I intend to have reactivated to transmit English lessons to them, informing them of Radio Sutch, also interspersing ads for things like Wimpy's and other still British institutions. Indeed we shall encourage tourism,inviting them, nay daring them, to cross the channel,to leave a life of tours of the sewers of Paris and, also I propose to secretly undertake
subliminal broadcasts duplexed with the original amplified audio such that the French are encouraged to join Britain.The French will certainly be aware of them and know them as those Denge Dishes.
I must admit that in my researches of this I met a very old couple in Glasgow, regular Glaswegians they insisted they were, and in the oddest Scottish accent they, the nice Goebbels Family of Glasgow, suggested the broadcasts to France,encouraging me to even yet mention their intent to return. They referred to them as being educational indoctrinational propaganda broadcasts.They also frequently interspersed views and opinions with frequent mentions of a certain "schweinehund", which I took to mean he wished me to advertise his brand of what seem to be some kind of pig hot dog.They also suggested paving over France, which would be nice effectively giving us a huge parking lot for our visits to Europe.Frequently also they used the terms "Vee Krauts" which I take to be their brand of Scottish canned cabbage,which raised the possibilities of advertising revenues to fund the project.
As for the remaining wide screen long and rectangular acoustic dish, I propose a simple whitewash of it, and to utilize it as a drive in theatre, creating a tourist reception center by day, where the French can view tourist type films before they actually enter England to acclimatize them before they commence their fascinating tour of England, and by night to utilize it as a money making,revenue generating Night Drive-In theatre.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................................
It is proposed that the formerly abandoned world war II anti-aircraft offshore gun platform forts,Red Sands and Shivering Sands, Shivering Sands being formerly employed by our Great Architect and Founder, The Lord, Sutch, who utilized Shivering Sands for offshore radio broadcasts of Free Radio,Radio Sutch, be once again occupied and used again in their original noble task,that of Free Radio.
Indeed I have made the horrific discovery, that the most foreign French, speak French, being Frenchman. This is just not suitable and proper. Indeed we must re-initiate Radio Sutch on the platforms, and transmit directly aimed at France.the Quebec of the colony of Canada, radio transmission of ENGLISH lessons. In short I propose to attempt to educate the most foreign French in the speaking of proper English, and so improved, they too can be called English.
It may be an impossible task, but the attempt to educate and improve them, must be made.
In order to help stave off the enemies of the Queen's English, those who would attempt to shut down the stations, I propose to make a deal with the Vatican, Sutch that Vatican Radio transmissions could be thence relayed to those horrifically foreign places. In exchange we would have Nuns stationed on the platform, and as you know, this would suitably provide the platforms with a suitable defensive shield, as we all know, Nuns, are Canon.
The work of Lord Sutch must continue, we must persevere, and and endeavour to educate the French via the means of radio transmissions. We shall also of course, transmit such music as Lord Sutch deemed fit for transmission in the days when he ran the station, in efforts to avoid the French becoming bored with their educational experiences.
Free Radio!! Free Radio to Free the French from linguistic ignorance.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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hurricanes,global,warming,climate,war,income,tax,floods,house,underground, secret squirrel,airlines,catapults,broadcasting,education,languages,teaching
M.R.L. Solves Hurricane Problem and Global Warming At The Same Time.
Secret Squirrel has studied closely hurricanes and global warming,searching for solutions to the problems associated with them,preventing them.
So Bill Gates is now attempting to patent a new invention of his,and others,the project is a brainchild of Intellectual Ventures Lab, an invention lab founded by ex-Microsoft executives......Pull barges out to the middle of the ocean and pump water down to where the temp is 40degrees cooler and pump the water back up to cool the ocean.
Bill Gates has introduced a plan to stop hurricanes before they hit land, PCWorld and others report..............but notice his greed, all for himself, notice the diagrams shown show the required barges just off the American coast in the Gulf Of Mexico............notice the funding plans, notice Gates, Myhrvold and associates believes the project could be funded by selling insurance to hurricane-prone areas residents including funding from state, federal and local government agencies......................funded by selling insurance to hurricane prone people,is that not patently an attempt at extortion?? Aha! Clearly,his ridiculously puny, project cannot possibly even yet succeed, indeed even yet may not be meant to................a plan derived by whimpering little ponzies..................suckling at the teat of limitless government funding on a useless idiots project.
Well we remain unaffected by this........ we cannot be held to ransom,nay, we must not be held to ransom no one in Europe can nor should be held to ransom, and subjected to funding and paying for these ridiculous and idiotic schemes.............we simply don't have hurricanes, and that solves our problem. But, we must assist the world in the elimination of the threat of Hurricanes, and we must do it in such a fashion that the people of the world are not held to ransom, not subject to massive funding and expenses and insurance schemes to fund that type of project...nay, not when a scheme which costs virtually nothing and scientifically does the job of stopping Hurricanes worldwide is at hand, and also a project which at the same time, will stop, utterly Global Warming!
Actually I have fathomed something, I have a much less expensive plan to accomplish the total stoppage of Hurricanes,Cyclones and whatever they are called, and to stop Global Warming by introducing Global Cooling.............and,nay, I am not greedy, this is from I,Secret Squirrel, from the M.R.L., for us.....to the world........absolutely free!!
Indeed all that really needs be required, is that we break off as needed, vast chunks of the horrifically massive and convienient Antarctic, and Arctic ice caps, and direct the flows in to the gulf stream, There the massive ice pieces will swirl round an about the Atlantic,following the Gulf Stream, moving round and about off the coasts of the nations and continents,slowly melting. The Pacific has similar circulation ocean currents and there too the principal could and would be applied.Actually the effect is much like the scientific concept of cooling ones drinky winky as one swirls the ice cube in it round and about.
Now I know what you're thinking, the melting ice will inundate and drown Holland as it melts.
Firstly I don't live in Holland,and so too does not 99.9% of the rest of the world as well.
Secondly if anything did flood Holland they all wear wooden shoes so they would all float upside down until rescued and moved to higher ground.
Thirdly, and most importantly, is the scientific fact that the ice caps sit on top of the sea as it were, in short the top of the sea has frozen causing the ice caps, and that being the case, the ice which is frozen water, has already thence displaced itself in the sea, and so is merely being returned to the liquid state, so adding not a drop of extra water to the sea itself, just cooling the earth down for us all to enjoy.
Of course, I must mention this, the effect of my Global Cooling technique will also benefit all of mankind with respect to Hurricane control as well, due to the already mentioned scientific fact that cooling down the sea, and hence the earth, will prevent,stop, eradicate, Hurricanes thence as well, all along the American coast as well, at no additional charge, at no cost at all...............this cheaply and inexpensively solving the problems of humanity. Indeed, my scheme,here patently free for the good people ,of not just Britain,not just Europe, but indeed of the entire world, will give stoppage to Hurricanes,stoppage to Global Warming, and stoppages to Bill Gates.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering,
.................................................
MRL......Gift The People! Abolish War!!
Secret Squirrel has set about to find a solution for war,to prevent war,to abolish war!!We note how the cost of war in Afghanistan soars to £2.5bn
this according to The Guardian newspaper article here found
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/feb/13/afghanistan-iraq-bill-british-military
The cost of Britain's military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq this financial year has soared to more than £4.5bn, an annual increase of more than 50%, figures released yesterday reveal.
So,if there was no Afghan War, No Iraq War, all in support of the Americans, Labour could easily have gifted the entire population of Britain, at 60,943,912, each, man woman, and child according to the census figures, at least have gifted each, gratis, with 2million pounds!!!!!!! But Labour hasn't hasn't it......why continue the wars, why have the wars in the first place......why not do the right thing, cease all war operations, bring the lads back, let'em rest in Britain as they should and give each citizen(and they count amongst the citizenry as well), 2 million pounds!!! Why that would easily solve everybody's problems! And it is obviously easily affordable!!!But then, Labour is a problem isn't it.................. Well, as M.R.L. I propose when we come to power we avoid, wars, declare wars illegal, refuse to participate in wars entirely and so suitably we can easily afford to give each and every citizen, $2 million pounds. Also, since Income Tax was introduced to fund wars, and wars being deemed unnecessary..........we can also abolish income tax and so the citizenry's $2 million pounds will be a tax free gift.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.........................................................
M.R.L. Emergency Flood Measures Project-Project Drain Hole.
I,Secret Squirrel have a project to do away with floods.
The West Midlands flooding disaster was and is a disaster. The previous flooding in Cumbria etc etc etc were and are government disasters..................no efforts made to prevent them, no efforts made to see to it they don't re-occur. Indeed we in the M.R.L. have a grand solution to prevent all such future floodings. True I have other anti-flood projects in the engineering works, planning etc done, but the government has refused to see sense to implement them, at least they've extended pub hours at the behest of the M.R.L. we can be thankful for that. Now there is a speedier solution to the problem, may take a few years, but the job will get done and the engineering is sound, using existing modern technology, we can and will persevere in our efforts to get things done, the way of the M.R.L.
Now, water, as we know, is found in rivers,lakes,wash tubs, wash basins etc. so we all know as the Romans taught us, water flows downhill and collects in the deepest places, there finding it's water level as it were. Well we also all know, that in our tubs, and basins,there is this thing called "a drain", usually present with a plug, the drain can be open allowing water down it, to drain, or it can be stoppered,collecting water till the plug is pulled. Well, in the flood areas, we have a major collecting basin, which is lower causing flood waters to collect, and this lower area in all cases, is then obviously stoppered, by the very earth they live on.
Well, I have pondered engineering manuals,books,diagrams and have discovered some interesting projects. Firstly came the Americans, with a Project Mole Hole, a project to drill a mile deep or more in to the earth, really an attempt by them to reach what they,and we, believe is the land of the Mole People, and so escape the Hell that it is to live in America,and also to negotiate with the Mole People to have them attacks the Russians. They informed the Russians, of their benevolent research digging project,and they then canceled the project, probably out of fear that the Mole People would find it better to invade America and make it the land of the Mole people. The Soviets, however,took the task seriously(perhaps they wanted to find the Mole People,once they learned about their existence, and encourage them to invade America), or else knew what to do..........what with all the ridiculous failing American projects of the day, (New Orleans levees..................Boston Big Dig.), one can assume it is the latter.
I have in my hands this secret Soviet digging project. Here let me elaborate..........
"There was a drill-rig enclosure, over 200 feet tall,and over forty years ago, researchers in the Soviet Union began an ambitious drilling project whose goal was to penetrate the Earth's upper crust and sample the warm, mysterious area where the crust and mantle intermingle– the Mohorovicic discontinuity, or "Moho.",or so they led everyone to believe, it was actually short for Mole people, and attempt to drill down to the dreeded Mole People, open negotiations with them and have them attack the Americans. So deep is this area that the Russian scientists had to invent new ways of drilling, and some of their new methods proved quite inventive. But despite the valiant effort which spanned several decades, the Russians never reached their goal, and many of the Earth's secrets were left undiscovered, and the Mole People never contacted. The work done by the Soviets did, however, provide a plethora of information about what lies just beneath the surface, and it continues to be scientifically useful today. The project is known as the Kola Superdeep Borehole.
Beginning in 1962, the drilling effort was led by the USSR's Interdepartmental Scientific Council for the Study of the Earth's Interior and Superdeep Drilling, which spent years preparing for the historic project.Inside the project's 200-foot-tall enclosure resides a unique drilling apparatus. Most deep-drilling rigs use a rotating shaft to bore through the ground– using a series of extensions which are incrementally added as the hole grows deeper– but such a method was unworkable with a hole as deep as Kola was planned to be. To overcome this, the Russian researchers devised a solution where only the drill bit at the end of the shaft was rotated. They accomplished this by forcing the pressurized "drilling mud"– the lubricant pumped down the drill shaft– through the specially-designed drill bit to cause it to spin.
Today, the deepest hole ever created by humankind lies beneath the tower enclosing Kola's drill. A number of boreholes split from the central branch, but the deepest is designated "SG-3," a hole about nine inches wide which snakes over 12.262 kilometers (7.5 miles) into the Earth's crust. The drill spent twenty-four years chewing its way to that depth, until its progress was finally halted in 1994, about 2.7 kilometers (1.7 miles) short of its 15,000-meter goal."
Well, the technology is at hand, what needs be done, in each area of England with major flooding recorded in the past(assuming the government knows where and when and that they occurred).........a locate the lowest part, there in the center, we drill our hole, three feet wide will do nicely, and there equidistant(that's engineering terms), meaning at equal distances out from, the center, we drill four more such holes, say a mile equidistant, and then equally symmetrical to each other(more engineering terms, means in a nice pattern), and there we drill our holes,not Mole Holes,not Kola Holes, but ruddy great and good proper English Holes!. We drill a touch deeper than the Soviets did(must improve on things), fit the tops with a drain cover, and there and then we'll have naturally water drains just like in our bath tubs!! And, you and I just know this will work(as will and do all of my engineering projects). So there in hindsight, is our solution to the problem of flooding in Britain. Ever we proceed, with our backsides to the future,moving ever onwards, whilst looking behind us.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................................
Whilst consulting anciente documents hidden away in the subterranean
tunnel depths of an abandoned English Saxon monastery, I came across
the secret coded charts of one ancient prognosticator Nostradumass.
It seems that he has predicted a horrific hurricane to strike Hull
from the North Sea bringing inundations of stinky herrings,sardines,
and Norwegians, soon, the date being unspecific,but the signs are
present.
Further
the prediction goes on that the "city shall rise up, upon the waters
and shall flourish and grow."The future has been shown, the warning
of the hurricane to come is as clear as leaks in levees but he date
is as murky as flood water.Clearly this is a frightening prophecy,
and we must prepare, indeed we shall actually follow the prediction
in assisting the city in growing and flourishing. I have pondered
things engineering wise and know what actually needs be done.
What we must do is raise the city, not in alarm, but each and every
edifice must be raised up on stilts, as it were, actually fortified
concrete slabs, to a new height twenty feet higher, complete with
lawns,front and back.
We have a clear example of this in action in
the South Sea Islands, where houses are built upon stilts, though
there this is mainly to prevent snakes from entering the edifices,
here we have seen such an example of construction applied to flood
waters as well.Indeed also we must similarly raise on pillars, the
roadways as well.The city will thus be raised above events, and so
avoid catastrophic failure due to flooding!
Indeed we can make use of the extra space beneath the raised city,
for rail,tram, and bus traffic only thus making the city's regular
transit much more efficient. Of course, when a hurricane arises,
especially the hurricane, those employed down there will have to
retreat upwards to the safety of they city, until such a time as the
flood waters subside thence to get things going once more transit
wise. In short we in the M.R.L. will have solved the problem of
flooding cities.
The Great City Of Hull will be our shining beacon to the future
of our ability to solve the problems of the future with the examples
of the past, truly we shall progress and move forwards, with our back
sides to the future.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..................................................
Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
As floods occur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, existent a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
See accompanying images of these fascinating,useful and necessary flood clothing items.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
M.R.L. On The Development Of Underground Housing.
So here is the headline finally out. Secretly I have been encouraging the development of such housing, clearly it has vast energy savings and advantages for the citizen and also for the nation,finally there are those on whom wisdom is not wasted,why just the other day I was discussing with a housing builder who was in fudiciary difficulties,that he should go underground.............do read on...........
And I here quote...........
Unveiled: Britain's first £2m underground mansion designed to keep away prying eyes
By Daily Mail Reporter
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1225423/Unveiled-Britains-2m-underground-mansion-designed-away-prying-eyes.html?ITO=1490
Proving just how much the housing market has gone through the floor, the go-ahead has been given for Britain's first underground mansion.
Developers have announced plans for a £2m subterranean property, which will be entered via an unassuming door at ground level and descend up to 50ft below............The house will be heated by an underfloor heating system, while hot water will come from a large-scale ground source heat pump which uses heat exchange technology to capture warmth in the ground to heat the house........the property would be fitted with a state-of-the-art ventilation system, and claimed that it would require up to 75 per cent less fossil fuel than a regular family home.....'There are some very sensible and practical reasons for developing down as opposed to upwards. The property has very little impact on the surrounding environment.
'It is easy to heat in winter and to keep cool in summer and by incorporating the highest standards in renewable design solutions the energy demands of the building can be cut to almost zero...........................here unquoted.
Of course, this is a touch pricey but one can see the advantages. Also as one has large homes, or mansions, one has smaller ones as well, and clearly smaller ones could also be, and should also be, built on similar lines.Also we should extend our helping hand and wisdom to our misguided cousins across the sea,those in the lost colonies of the expanded Virginia's presently known as,the Americas. It seem there they have great problems what with hurricanes and tornadoes.They suffer from vast destruction of their houses............so the solution is since the destruction is above ground, the solution is to go underground, build the housing underground! Indeed I am sure this would improve Britain's field position in the field of Foreign Affairs,helping hands across the water,eh,whot!!! But imagine,the fear,the trepidation,imagine this huge tornado coming, what with its great enormous sucking and blowing, and gone is one's house! Now what with the house underground, the only such event that could result in that would be marriage and it's divorce!!!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...............
MRL Plan To Profitably Reduce Effects of Global Warming
Secret Squirrel here expounds on how to reduce the effects of global warming and to turn a profit at the same time.Some scientists and people, are worried about the ice caps melting,due to the effects of global warming,with the resultant massive flooding of seacoast areas. Of course ways have been pondered to reduce the global warming, hence reduce the melting and the effects of melting of the ice caps. However, there is a constructive,productive and lucrative method of assisting in this.................what we do is simply to build ice mining and melting and bottling establishments in the arctic regions..........that's right, mine, melt the ice, then purify,bottle it, and sell the bottled water! Grand! All Europe requires bottled water as the city supplies are in shoddy contaminated and disease spreading states hence there is a huge market for it. Indeed yes, also, Britain itself could make use of such a vast and unquenchable supply through a national publicly owned for shares utility and so reduce the effects of the profit hunger money grabbing privatized companies so shoddily managing and profiteering over Britain's own water supply, selling it back to the British people and such exhorbitant rates!Also,the product could be sold to the Arabs in exchange for oil, barrel for barrel as it were, that'd make gas as cheap as water for us,or at least should were it not the present mostly foreign oil profiteering companies!! Indeed I strongly suspect rumours of this project has already been espied by certain nations, noticeably the Chinese,Russians and Americans who have staked huge claims to vast areas of the antarctic when they got the merest rumour that such an enterprise had been proposed,and indeed, possibly already existed.Indeed this entrepreneurial endeavour solves the issue of oil pricing, and European water supply, and reduces the effects of Global warming as well.............We in the MRL must push forwards such an enterprise to properly utilize the Falkland Islands Antarctic territorial claim area and turn over an excellant profit while at the same time reducing global warming.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
................................
MRL Airlines, SUTCH An Airline
Ah yes, Air Sutch, and airline of EXPERIENCE, and airline to EXPERIENCE, nothing ridiculously VIRGIN-al here.............
Ah well...............time to ponder engineering improvements to airlines, improvements to lower fuel consumption, improvements to provide travelers with greater flexibility in a free choice of ANY destination, improvements to provide travelers with the ability to travel right to the door, within the very yard, of their destination.
Firstly airlines must be equipped with,airports as a suitable gathering,collecting,departure point is mos+t definatly required. This means we can use EXISTING airports, thus reducing costs tremendously.Savings all around, only one class, steerage, and tremendous fuel saving,savings in reduction of airline aircrew personel,reduction of aircraft if needed as all will fly full.
Passengers for Short Distance Flights.
Now at said departure point there will be a suitably constructed, along Roman lines, since theirs were unquestionably the best,CATAPULTS. The passenger will mount the catapult bowl, complete with luggage,wearing THE most modern of steerable paraglide parachutes, and thence will be launched in to the air in the direction of their destination. Of course steerage will be done by the passengers, and the only flights will be those of steerage class. Hence for short range flights the passenger can arrive at the door of their selected destination. Sutch passengers will also be provided with maps to ease their ability to reach their own destination.The paraglide chuts will be picked up locally and returned to the airline for reuse.A suitable courier company pickup system can be utilized.
Medium Range Flights.
For medium range flights we will require the assisted takeoff of a suitable airliner, but nothing extravagant need be used as extreme high altitude flight will not be necessary. Here we follow the dictates of Felix Baumgartner. Each passenger is provided with the required carbon fiber airfin and oxygen pack strapped to their back, along with a paraglide parachute with which to glide to the door of their destination. Of course this will give them the ability to land within the yard of their destination. They can take along a mandatory two bags for proper balance, and will be provided with maps for their destination. The backpack and chute will then be picked up locally and returned to the airline for reuse(here we see we can please the Greens with our recycling, and also note the immense saving in fuel since no actual fuel is used by any passenger.
Long Range Flights.
This will provide an immense saving in fuel and of course maximal passenger destination selection. Here we take off in our airliner. Again the passenger will be disembarked in the air, using the paraglide parachute, and glide down to their selected destination. Here the airliner will take off, approach the destination area, and descend to the discharge altitude for the convenience of the passenger. The passenger will again be supplied with a map, and be required to have two carry bags for aerodynamic balance in flight. Should it be necessary for the airline to provide a second ballast bag, or even yet both for long range commuters, there will be an additional charge. As with all other flight packages, the flight equipment and any ballast bags will be picked up locally and returned to the airline for reuse.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
********************************************************************************
MRL Secret Squirrel Uses Acoustic Mirrors To educate The French
I,Secret Squirrel,here propose to make use in the education field, of the Denge Acoustic Mirror dishes,which have been gathering dust on the cliffs of Kent these many years, forlorn and abandoned, all but forgotten, their former task having been long forgotten to the minds of many British people.But, I am intent on once again utilizing the dishes, but in reverse of their original design as listening posts. Now we all know that a microphone is actually a speaker and a speaker can actually be a microphone.
I am proposing to re-activate the Denge Dishes, in reverse. In World War II they were employed to listen for enemy planes arriving from France, what I propose to do is to reverse this, use the Denge Dishes as speakers and broadcast to France. Of course we shall broadcast sensible things, such as encouraging Frenchman to learn English,encouraging them to tune in to the Shivering Sands Radio Sutch which I intend to have reactivated to transmit English lessons to them, informing them of Radio Sutch, also interspersing ads for things like Wimpy's and other still British institutions. Indeed we shall encourage tourism,inviting them, nay daring them, to cross the channel,to leave a life of tours of the sewers of Paris and, also I propose to secretly undertake
subliminal broadcasts duplexed with the original amplified audio such that the French are encouraged to join Britain.The French will certainly be aware of them and know them as those Denge Dishes.
I must admit that in my researches of this I met a very old couple in Glasgow, regular Glaswegians they insisted they were, and in the oddest Scottish accent they, the nice Goebbels Family of Glasgow, suggested the broadcasts to France,encouraging me to even yet mention their intent to return. They referred to them as being educational indoctrinational propaganda broadcasts.They also frequently interspersed views and opinions with frequent mentions of a certain "schweinehund", which I took to mean he wished me to advertise his brand of what seem to be some kind of pig hot dog.They also suggested paving over France, which would be nice effectively giving us a huge parking lot for our visits to Europe.Frequently also they used the terms "Vee Krauts" which I take to be their brand of Scottish canned cabbage,which raised the possibilities of advertising revenues to fund the project.
As for the remaining wide screen long and rectangular acoustic dish, I propose a simple whitewash of it, and to utilize it as a drive in theatre, creating a tourist reception center by day, where the French can view tourist type films before they actually enter England to acclimatize them before they commence their fascinating tour of England, and by night to utilize it as a money making,revenue generating Night Drive-In theatre.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................................
It is proposed that the formerly abandoned world war II anti-aircraft offshore gun platform forts,Red Sands and Shivering Sands, Shivering Sands being formerly employed by our Great Architect and Founder, The Lord, Sutch, who utilized Shivering Sands for offshore radio broadcasts of Free Radio,Radio Sutch, be once again occupied and used again in their original noble task,that of Free Radio.
Indeed I have made the horrific discovery, that the most foreign French, speak French, being Frenchman. This is just not suitable and proper. Indeed we must re-initiate Radio Sutch on the platforms, and transmit directly aimed at France.the Quebec of the colony of Canada, radio transmission of ENGLISH lessons. In short I propose to attempt to educate the most foreign French in the speaking of proper English, and so improved, they too can be called English.
It may be an impossible task, but the attempt to educate and improve them, must be made.
In order to help stave off the enemies of the Queen's English, those who would attempt to shut down the stations, I propose to make a deal with the Vatican, Sutch that Vatican Radio transmissions could be thence relayed to those horrifically foreign places. In exchange we would have Nuns stationed on the platform, and as you know, this would suitably provide the platforms with a suitable defensive shield, as we all know, Nuns, are Canon.
The work of Lord Sutch must continue, we must persevere, and and endeavour to educate the French via the means of radio transmissions. We shall also of course, transmit such music as Lord Sutch deemed fit for transmission in the days when he ran the station, in efforts to avoid the French becoming bored with their educational experiences.
Free Radio!! Free Radio to Free the French from linguistic ignorance.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
****************************************************************************
Monday, March 1, 2010
Secret Squirrel,Empire Building Politician,Here For You
Secret Squirrel has gotten hold of a secret IRA and government taped and converted transcript of Tony Blair Number 10 Downing Street communications between Blair and the I.R.A.Discover the truth behind......behind.................behind............Tony Blair placing Britain's backside to the future...............surrender is ever the option........stolen by the French Dezzium(Deuxieme,2nd) Bureau.........further stolen and leaked from the diaper of the American C.I.A............and finally delivered by the local Kosher bagel man,who was an Centro Nacional de Inteligencia intelligence man in disguise as Moussad.
Tony Blair, The British Labour Prime Minister, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Blair!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that Gerry Adams, our I.R.A. political propagandist,has told me to tell you that we are finally officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Blair replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight! All genuine,not political arm, I.R.A."
Blair paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Blair asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mother Murphy's farm tractor."
Blair sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke,I've even put the Royal Princes all in there."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four I.R.A. boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Blair was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes still left in my Air Force. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Blair! I am sorry to inform you that we have added 3 American tourists to Ireland and 4 sailors who frequent Davy Byrne's Pub in Dublin, and we have 4 rubber dinghys, and 6 war surplused 'and grenades, an we knows 'ow to use'em."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Blair. "You know I just reduced my Navy to lower than that of the Canadian Navy. I guess I'll just have to quietly, and secretly, not to be mentioned publicly you know, surrender to the demands of you and the I.R.A.So, what are your terms"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners, so we'll accept your surrender, under these terms,
One: Gerry Adams gets put in to your Government along with other I.R.A. representatives.
Two:We get full power sharing in Northern Ireland.
Three: You resign from Government.
Four: you become a converted Catholic."
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
The MRL,Secret Squirrel, Labour's Definition of Heaven...........
Labour's Britain is like Heaven
In Labour's Britain we live in HEAVEN.
We HEAVEN got petrol,
We HEAVEN got work,
We HEAVEN got a cure for aids,
We HEAVEN got educated kids
We HEAVEN got electricity,
We HEAVEN got Gas
We HEAVEN got out of Iraq
We HEAVEN got morality
We HEAVEN got Law & Order and
We HEAVEN got a bright future."
Secret Squirrel.
...............................................................
Secret Squirrel On The State Of The European Union............
Secret Squirrel comments on the state of the European Union.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN BRITISH VERSION
The Euro Englishman works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Euro Frenchman thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the
winter, the shivering Euro Frenchman calls a press conference and demands
to know why the Euro Englishman should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
The American CNN shows up to provide pictures of the shivering Euro Frenchman
next to the Euro Englishman in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Americans are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be
that, in a Europe of such wealth, this poor Euro Frenchman is allowed
to suffer so?
Then a representative of European Civil Liberties
shows up on The National and charges the Euro Englishman with French bias,
and makes the case that the Euro Frenchman is the victim of 1000 years
of anti-French behaviour. Nicolas Sarkozy appears on CNN with the
Euro Frenchman, and everybody cries when he stands on a milk case and sings "Frere Jacques".
Gordon Brown makes a special guest appearance on the American CNN
with Larry King on "Larry King Live", and forced to explain the
difference tells a concerned American public he will do everything he can
do everything for the Euro Frenchman who has been denied the prosperity
they claim the Euro Frenchman deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Major/Thatcher summers.
British Finance Minister ,Alistair Darling exclaims in an interview that in his judgement the
Euro Englishman has gotten rich off the back of the Euro Frenchman,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Euro Englishman to make
him pay his "fair share.",increasing existing toll road and
bridge tolls and adding more road and bridge tolls to pay for it all.
Finally, Labor drafts the "Economic Equity and Pro-Euro French
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The Euro Englishman is fined
for failing to hire a proportionate number of Frenchman in his
businesses and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
The Lord Adonis,Lord Justice of Appeal,decides to himself represent the Euro Frenchman in
the Brussels Court,in a defamation suit against the Euro Englishman,
and the case is tried before a panel of Euro hearing officers that Nicolas Sarkozy
himself appointed from a list of single-parent Paris
welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The Euro Englishman loses the case.
The story ends as we see the Euro Frenchman finishing up the last bits
of the Euro Englishman's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the Euro Englishman's old house, crumbles around him
since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The Euro Englishman has disappeared in the snow.
And on the tele, which the Euro Frenchman bought by selling most of the
Euro Englishman's food, they are showing Gordon Brown standing before a
wildly applauding group of loyal Labour Party members announcing that a
new era of "European Fairness" has dawned in Britain.
Secret Squirrel.
.............................................................................
The New Labour New Election Logo
Secret Squirrel has discovered that the Labour Party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom believing it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects the pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed.
Secret Squirrel.
................................................................
Secret Squirrel has seen to it that with the impending annexation of Texas,and the re-acquisition of Canada by Britain,that we have rules ready for such a time.
What with the rise of the Texas separatists who have declared the annexation of Texas by the United States of America to be invalid, and so wish to succeed.................and Chuck Norris wishing to be,when and if and should that occur, it's new President, I feel then that time time is right for Britain to annex Texas as it should and would have had not the United States intervened with it's illegal annexation of Texas, so in preparation for the annexation and acquisition of Texas, adding it legally,properly, and rightly so to the British Empire......err..........Britain.........and so too also proceeding with my plan to declare the Confederation of Canada invalid, and so reacquiring the former and now once again colony of Canada we can proceed in preparation for the planned target year acquisition 2020, a year when Texans and Canadians will clearly see.................
The congratulatory speech on England Reacquiring the Colony of Canada, and Annexing the Newly Independent Republic of Texas, should all go well.
To the citizens of the Newly Independent Separated Former State of Texas,henceforth known as Texashire and the Newly Reacquired Former Colony,of Canada,Un-confederated, Now A Colony Once More, Of The Place They Ridiculously Call Canada( Spanish for Here There Is Nothing).
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
Prime Ministers in Canada, and the fact that your army has been given the year off for a rest as the generals wish, and the fact that we have a huge army of ridiculous bagpipers whose infernal horrendous cater wailing piping drives all before them, we are invading Canada for our own good to reacquire the colony, so thus we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately, and formerly absorb Canada which can in no way shape nor form defend itself or anybody in particular for that matter.
As to the place known as The Republic Of Texas, having reacquired your independence from America, as you did in the past from Mexico, and so were annexed immediately on said acquisition by America, so now being in a similar state,brought upon by the rebels and revolutionaries such as Chuck Norris and his cronies, and so having acquired said independence again, we, in Britain, are annexing The Republic Of Texas, and so renaming Texas, Texashire.
Now as to governance.............
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, or better yet the M.R.L. government which planned all this in secret sessions of Secret Squirrel's group of enlightened drunken friends down in the local pub, will appoint a Governor for Texashire, and one for Canada as well without the need for further elections. The Texas Legislature will be disbanded, and Shire government formed. Canada will have it's Parliament declared null,void, and pointless,a redundancy to be sure, and replaced with a government formed out of the drunks of the Ottawa Highlander Pub, who in their state of confused drunkenness can undoubtably rule much better than the present Canadian government.
A questionnaire may be circulated in the year (2012),these events all planned for the year 2011, to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'.Also the former French Fries you once called Freedom Fries, and the again called French Fries will now be known as either chips, or Dumbarse Fries as you prefer.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as Independence Day,being replaced by Guy Fawkes Day,November 5th.July 1st will no longer be celebrated as Canada Day, being replaced by Lord Sutch Day, November 12th.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
----------------------
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.This will be the official item of defense of the person.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. Texashire will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.Also, a return to the English system of weights and measures is necessary,which means local meat sellers may now legally place their thumbs on the scale.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.What was known as American Football, will now be referred to as Really Sissy Boy Rugby.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
17. And as a special consideration to the newly acquired former State Of Texas,wel shall now remove Chuck Norris from it's government in favor of somebody else who hasn't had the Fu Kunged once too many times.
18. The State Song of the Former Republic of Texas, Texas Our Texas, will be replaced by the here included, Let It All Hang Out............learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
(Spoken)
A preachment, dear friend
You are about to receive on John Barleycorn
Nicotine and the temptations of Eve
(Bronx Cheer salute)
(Sung)
No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razors broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I dont care, let it all hang out
Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what its all about
It's too much, man, let it all hang out
Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out
Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out
It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
19. The former Canadian national anthem is to be replaced by..
They're Coming To Take Me Away,Ha-Haaa!
So that the people may remember their state of mind driven so by years of inept,ignorant,ridiculous,incompetent, and idiotic self-rule.........
learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
20) Once again, for the welfare of the British economy,it being necessary to actually finance the area colony known as Canada, and the rest of the empire, Canadians in the colony will once again be given jobs working in the mines,forests, and on the farms providing the necessary sustinence and life blood of a massive and prosperous economy that which is Britain and the Empire.........whilst doing this,since there have been changes since the last empire, Britain will return things somewhat to the state that they were in those prosperous days of Empire, the Canadians so employed will have to wear blackface, bowing to the traditions of the day and the job of keeping the empire prosperous.
21) The border of Texashire WILL be protected from Mexican invasions, we will work a deal with the Americans,assimilating them in to our Empire's economy as a service area,we will allow us to sell to us, in fair trade Florida's alligators to the Rio Grande border of Texashire with Mexico, to serve as the new Border Patrol, one that has some real teeth in dealing with illegal wetback immigration.Should the Americans be unreasonable we can further import crocs from the former colony of Australia or the colonies of Afrique.
God save the Queen.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..............................................
M.R.L. Solves Britain's Prison Problems.
Secret Squirrel has seen that there are severe problems in England what with prison overcrowding, and a general lack of prisons, arising from the extreme high cost of construction of such facilities, and maintenance of same in terms of prison staff etc. In the 60's arose a system of construction, prefab, which was used to construct several buildings, including the then considered ultra modern Habitat 67 at the Man and His World exhibition in the colony of Canada during the World's Fair of that year. Interesting, boxes piled one atop the other, sticking out here and there etc.and interesting piece of engineering.
This engineering principle was carried forwards to ships in the form of cargo containers, and can be stacked say 14,000 to a vessel, each container cell being say 20x8x8 in terms of feet, interestingly, the size of a prison cell, particularly those of the Americans in Guantanamo Bay. The idea presents itself. Now a prison at sea is a grand idea, utilizing containers,stacked, , expandable to the max limit, say 7 such ships could accommodate the entire prison population of Britain! However, these ships consume say 1660 gallons (imperial), of fuel an hour...........not worth the cost to send'em on a sea cruise is it?
But the idea has presented itself, a prison island, indeed yes, imagine an island in the Indian Ocean, not requiring heating costs,and not worth it, the air conditioning costs, merely a form of bed and breakfast,lunch,dinner...........a gigantic container ship type island, stacked with prison cells, as converted cargo containers, ever expandable..........look at Diego Garcia, an island almost abandoned, it could easily become the prison for Britain, indeed the name, Diego Garcia,Her Majesty's Prison For The Extremely Naughty, comes to mind.
Look at what is there now a large airbase with several long range runways constructed, as well as a harbor suitable for large naval vessels so delivery of prisoners and containers to house new arrivals is a thing of utter ease.
As a territory of the United Kingdom, the head of state is Queen Elizabeth II. There is no Governor appointed to represent the Queen on the territory, as there are no native inhabitants. Thus the island itself is ideal, as an island, indeed, the lesser prisoners could act as guards and prison staff, making them useful to the full, reducing the costs of maintenance grandly, just requiring prison ship patrols about the island to prevent shall we say, prisoners attempting to break in to the island to enjoy it's lush location and tropical accommodation. Problem solved. Failing this we'll just follow the example of the Cuban and Haitian boat people heading off to America, we'll simply boat'em all towards the Australian coast, point the ship towards Australia, and so toss the lot of'em off.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
--------------------------------------------------------
MRL On The Reason To Encourage The Consumption of Beef.
There are many factors involved in this global warming,climate change issue of the day.........There are strange factors involved, such as cockroaches. Insect flatulence may account for one-fifth of all the methane emissions on this planet. (Termites are also prodigious farters; indeed, dogs trained to sniff out termites and roaches are actually following their farts.)
Cockroaches,particularly the Canadian variety as the study showed(of course, they may have meant their politicians, there is some confusion on the matter here) are among the biggest contributors to global warming, since they break wind every fifteen minutes. Furthermore, they continue to release methane gas for eighteen hours after they die. In a global scale, insect flatulence is estimated to account for 20% of all methane emissions. This puts the cockroach as one of the biggest contributors to Global Warming. However, here a BBC study has shown a very major contributer........
And here commences the Epistle From The BBC.......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/newsnight/2007/02/meet_daisy_the_cow_global_climates_enemy_number_on.html
Meet Daisy the cow global climate’s enemy number one.
When I started to investigate the impact of food on the environment a month ago I thought I would find myself fretting over food miles. In fact transport is a tiny component of agriculture’s worldwide contribution to greenhouse gas emissions.
No, the main culprit is out there in the fields, chewing her cud. It turns out that livestock predominantly cattle are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 per cent of the total, to be precise.
That’s right, almost a fifth of all emissions which is more greenhouse gas emissions than all the transport on earth planes, trains, cars, skidoos the lot.
You’ll be wondering how I reach that staggering conclusion. Indeed, regular readers of this blog may be worried that my decision forgo flesh and become a vegan during January has fostered an irrational hatred of animals.
Not so. The research implicating Daisy and her bovine brothers and sisters in global warming is very well sourced. A good start is Livestock’s Long Shadow, a report by the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization.
So why is the meat we eat so polluting?
Well, first of all we need to get a sense of scale. Seventy per cent of all agricultural land is used to raise animals that’s a third of the land surface of the entire planet. What’s more, over a third of all cereal production goes to feed those animals.
The UN report estimates that 160 million tonnes of carbon dioxide are associated with the fossil fuels emitted by this vast global industry that’s roughly a third of the UK’s total CO2 emissions. The figure includes transporting meat and dairy products across the globe, as well as the carbon dioxide emitted on the farm, in processing and in manufacture of nitrogen fertilizer, which is used to raise crops for feed for animals.
Add in the carbon from deforestation and land degradation and the figure is far, far higher. Most deforested land is used for pasture and the UN reckons the carbon released in the process takes the carbon cost of livestock up to the equivalent of 2.7 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide. That’s around seven per cent of all the greenhouse gases emitted by man.
That is a lot of global warming gas but still way short of that eighteen per cent figure. That’s because carbon dioxide isn’t the only global warming gas that animals are responsible for which is where Daisy comes in.
Ruminant animals like cows and sheep produce a lot of methane as they digest their food. And methane is a powerful greenhouse gas twenty three times as powerful as carbon dioxide, in fact.
There are reckoned to be around one and a half billion head of cattle on the planet and one point seven billion sheep. They, together with the more modest emissions of other farm animals, produce 37 per cent of global methane emissions which adds up to the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
We’re still not at a fifth of global emissions though. To get there you have to factor in the effects of another global warming gas - nitrous oxide. It is way more potent than even methane with 296 times the global warming power of carbon dioxide. Sixty five per cent of human related emissions of nitrous oxide are from the nitrogen in animal manure. That accounts for the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide.
Add the effects of the three gases associated with farming animals and you get total emissions equivalent to 7.1 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
And so here Ends The Epistle From The BBC...........
And so goes this report from the BBC...............stating quite flatly that cows are responsible for 1/4 of the carbon dioxide emissions................a blatant indicment of Daisy, the cow. Clearly at such high levels, Daisy, the Cow, representative of all cows, and cows...merit.........death. In short what needs be done is we must not turn vegan, this would merely leave more cows, producing yet more cows, and so increasing the number of cows, not reducing them, so we must eat more cows, eat more cow products..............burgies must be increased to doubles in the least,better yet triple and quadruple burgers, with singles being banned, we must consume steaks,beef roasts pot or Wellington,and so reduce the numbers of cows and so reduce the carbon dioxide and methane emission and so save earth. Of course we are ourselves also to blame, man,or woman, producing (EACH)1/2 litre of fart gas per day, a rather high figure in the methane category considering the vast level of population in the world,being 6,692,030,277,( a ratio of cows/sheep at 3-1, sheep and cow each a ration of 6-1,per person)which makes, scientificly 1,673,007,568 litres per day of human farts.Indeed recall that the consumption of veggies by the carnivore man, and that exclusively by veggans, influences, especially that by veggans who produce far more than the average 14/litre fart,but actually 1/2, indeed veggans must be banned, and retrained,re-educated, deprogrammed from veggies, to join humankind in the reduction of the beef herds by eating beef.Of course mankind's prolific production of farts, from points of view of reduction of same, is nothing to turn cannibal over,and of course one cannot expect anyone to make the supreme sacrifice(as did Heath Ledger)and commit suicide,we should content oursleves to consuming cows,consuming more cows,
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
The MRL's Secret Squirrel's Public Service Announcement Concerning the Problem and Behaviour of the Foul,And Most Foreign,Mime.
Secret Squirrel has considered the problem of something that was near and dear to Princess Diana,the problem of the dreaded land mime,a problem most feared and hated.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
"How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways..."
Maybe, Maybe Not by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways.
I hate mimes to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I hate mimes to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I hate mimes freely, as men strive for Right;
I hate mimes purely, as they turn from Praise.
I hate mimes with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I hate mimes with a hate I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I hate mimes with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but hate mimes better after they're all dead.
From the original,as rediscovered,perhaps on parchment,but not by James Cameron so there is probably major truth in this being the original,Browning herself may not be dead as James Cameron has not claimed to have discovered her empty grave as yet,rumored to have the words,JESUS.I'm Dead! scrawled on it as the other boxes he's found have.
What is MIME ? - Up until recently MIME was considered a theatrical art form in which an "actor" portrays a character and/or narration using no speech, sounds or props; just body movement and gestures. However, several months ago very important scientists at a very important laboratory discovered that the MIME condition, or Mnemonically Inadequate Mental Entropy, is actually an insidious form of insanity, annoying millions of non mimes each year.
Luckily those same very important scientists have formed the MIME Insanity Research Institute as the world's first best hope to combat the MIME condition.
Our scientists have discovered three separate causes for this affliction.
* The annoyance gene - Approximately 60% of all mimes are afflicted by this anomalous gene. It causes those that have it to believe that they are actually respected and loved by all those who hate them. They will never understand how annoying they are as all abuse and rejection is perceived as admiration and acceptance by these sad creatures.
* The perception retrovirus - Around 32% of mimes do not even realize that they are not interacting with the real world. These poor fools believe everything that they do is real, and that they are contributing to the real world and society at large. This mime is usually, but not always, easily identified by the tendency to become repeatedly trapped in invisible boxes.
* Social Conditioning - The remaining 8% of mimes have been taught through social conditioning to become mimes, never realizing that they are satirizing a serious mental illness. Some colleges and other institutes of higher learning even teach classes in MIME. This sad practice must be halted and these people turned back into productive members of society.
Luckily police were able to stop this type II mime before he was able to do any real damage with his invisible ax.
This particular mime was about to attack a group of invisible passerby's when sharp eyed police noticed and took prompt action, shooting him dead at the scene.
This, and other tragedies like it could have been avoided. Had only this mime's friends had committed him to the Institute at the earliest signs of Mimeness. Over two thousand people a day perform some kind of silent gesture. It's like a loaded gun.
Facts, Myths & Rumours: Mimes
A MIME smoking a cigar caused the Hindenberg disaster.
The Spanish Inquisition was started by a MIME.
The Beatles almost admitted to being bigger than MIMES.
Sometimes MIMES wear trench coats & carry swords.
Richard Nixon almost named his dog after a MIME.
Seven of the twelve apostles were MIMES.
Ru Paul blames MIMES as one of his/her biggest influences.
Mimes wear underpants.
Pig Latin was started by Mimes to fool the Nazis.
All the dance choreography for "The Brady Bunch" episodes were directed by Marcel Marceau.
Mimes love bad children.
Englebert Humperdink's father was a mime.
Mimes invented the Abacus.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
The MRL And The Dreaded Land Mime
We in the MRL must make a commitment to be honor bound to glorify the name of Princess Diana, and honor her in the
completion of a sacred task she left to us to assist in, the utter and complete banning, and outlawing of, and removing from
this earth, the utterly horrific,putrescent, travesty of humanity, that great evil, that grand perversity,that thing hated
most by the Princess, Diana,the dreaded land mimes. Indeed these horrifying creatures must be put an end to. Their ridiculous
gesticulations, waving of arms and legs round and abouts and all abouts, that vicious swivelling and rotating of their
atrocious hips, and all the whilst their insane invisible mockery of the eating of foods,must finally be ended by the ending
of them.
Indeed, imagine now the world of land mimes. Princess Diana visited the people of this earth, the victims, the targets of the
land mimes, she touched the untouchables, reached the unreachables,bore the unbearables, and yet she continued, she saw to it
the lepers were properly lepered, those with aids were helped with some more, and saw the children with their swollen bellies from food
or the lack of food being mocked by the invisible eating antics of the horrid land mimes,the food they would have eaten
being sent as foreign aid to Canada and the United States, there to be sold to the people there.We want to collect all the
land mimes and place them in an invisible box of their own creation, a box fit for an invisible sad thing, a misery.We must
hate them. As time passes the location of land mimes is often forgotten, even by those who planted them. These mimes continue
to be functional for many decades, causing further damage, injury and death, through their wild inane and idiotic antics.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of
stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand
very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a
person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity
rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the
Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist
elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called
experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be
mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they
should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories
to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United
States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
These Landmimes are basically explosive devices that are designed to explode when triggered by pressure or a tripwire of
humanity.Figures state that currently, there are more than 100-million landmimes located in 70 countries around the world,
according to OneWorld International. Since 1975, landmimes have killed or maimed more than 1-million people, which has led to
a worldwide effort to ban further landmime use and clear away existing landmimes. Humanity has suffered horribly, why in Las
Vegas, the Americans substituted Celine Dion, for the appearance of the dreaded land mime, Marcel Marceau, imagine,
replacement of the worst possible thing, with the second most dreaded thing.Such inhumanity they suffered, we must admire
them, and encourage them to keep Celine trapped there, not that they'll do anyone that favor.
Land mimes and other explosive remnants and tatters of the badly acting fraternity continue to threaten, maim and kill
indiscriminately long after own personal hostilities have ended, and impede post-conflict reconstruction and economic
development in civilized lands. They typically cause severe injury, including the amputation of one or more limbs, and most
of their victims are civilians. Disabled for life, survivors require long-term care, they expense of the sudden and horrible
encounter with the dreaded mime.It is said that 20,000 are killed or maimed by landmimes annually, disgustingly terrifying
figures, as disgusting and as terrifying as the single solitary view of a single land mime figure.Still governments do not
heed, do not listen, do not care.The widespread use of anti-personnel mimes has created a humanitarian crisis of global
proportions.
Attempts have been made to estimate the number of AP,Actra and Actors Equity mimes in the ground around the world through
reporting procedures by countries under the Ottawa Convention. However, it is now apparent that the number of mimes in the
ground is not an accurate measurement of the landmine problem.
Instead, the most significant measurement of landmime consequences is the amount of high-priority land that contains mimes.
This is land that is arable, socially and / or economically valuable or essential for transportation to the local residents.
The risk of death or injury inhibits use of the land. Whether a field has 2 mimes or 10,000 mimes means it cannot be used by
a community.Worldwide wide it is said that there are some 300,000-400,000 landmime survivors, unquestionably those who have
merely viewed the land mime on some heaven forsaken television program, or in passing may have merely heard of a mime
performing on the radio, and they have lived, unscathed,unscarred. unlike the rest who have actually encountered one
personally.Survivors, but what of those who did not.......... we are often haunted by the image of a small child who has
experienced the agony of a landmime injury, the cumulative problems caused by landmimes typically do not end with the
personal, physical, or even mental trauma of an individual. Invariably the net effect of multiple and frequent accidents is
to inflict societal trauma, via infrastructure and economic damage, on the country at large. People who step on landmines
often lose legs, arms, vision, hearing, and many die. These victims also have to deal with the effect of their injuries for
the rest of their lives.
Land mimes do not just affect the people who step on a sleeping mime. Communities, countries and the entire world feel the
effects of a single mime.Mimes are horrific when encountered, when touched, when stepped on...............indeed what do we
do with mimes, how to get rid of them? Well, it has been said, that a mime is a terrible thing to waste,it is suggested that
we not waste them,but somehow find a use for them.Yet herein lies the difficulty, no one has found a use for mimes.
Every effort must be made, every political and socio-political party in the world, must commit itself. to the remembrance
and the honoring of the name of Princess Diana, by helping rid the world, forever, once and for all time, of land mimes.
Once that is accomplished, we can rest for awhile, and then turn our attention to mimes and their effects on cruise and other
shipping at sea.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
.........................................
MRL: Applications Of The New Irish Air Travel System.
The headline reads..................
Now Ryanair wants passengers to STAND UP during flights
By Graham Smith
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197799/Ryanair-make-passengers-stand-bid-cram-board.html
No frills: Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary wants passengers to stand during the budget airline's flights
Ryanair wants passengers to stand during its flights so the budget airline can squeeze more people on board.
The Irish air carrier plans to cut costs by making fliers perch on stools with seat belts around their waists.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary has already held talks with US plane manufacturer Boeing about designing an aircraft with standing room.
Should the idea get the go-ahead from the Irish Aviation Authority, the airline plans to either order new jets or refurbish its existing
fleet.
And indeed, they should.Think of the vast savings this new Irish concept in air flight will achieve....................seats won't be
necessary, passengers will stand up. One of the first things we will notice is that for the first time the Irish can't be called
lay-about drunks, but actually stand up drunks, just like everybody else except, of course, that they will have something to assist them
in standing up. All that remains is that they carry this concept to the further stage. That of saving such thins as landing fees. Yes,
indeed, the passengers could be wearing paratrooper uniforms and as paratroopers do, when over target city area, they jump out and
parasail down, complete with luggage which can't be lost now,an added plus, and proficiently land even yet at their intended address of
arrival, never mind the right aerodrome!!!!!!!!! Imagine now in one fell swoop, the luggage horrors of Britain's Heathrow, the luggage horrors of Britain, also solved, all in one fell swoop.The mind boggles. Ever onwards. We too in Britain must seize on this new Irish development and march bravely in to the future of air travel.
Of course, it is mentioned, that previously I have mentioned such an air travel system, but,of course, mine was somewhat easier, the passenger would be properly seated through their flight, but it is grand to see that my air travel system has been and is evolving in the world of today. Imagine, my air travel system of the future, in the world of today.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
Tony Blair, The British Labour Prime Minister, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Blair!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that Gerry Adams, our I.R.A. political propagandist,has told me to tell you that we are finally officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Blair replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight! All genuine,not political arm, I.R.A."
Blair paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Blair asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mother Murphy's farm tractor."
Blair sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke,I've even put the Royal Princes all in there."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four I.R.A. boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Blair was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes still left in my Air Force. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Blair! I am sorry to inform you that we have added 3 American tourists to Ireland and 4 sailors who frequent Davy Byrne's Pub in Dublin, and we have 4 rubber dinghys, and 6 war surplused 'and grenades, an we knows 'ow to use'em."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Blair. "You know I just reduced my Navy to lower than that of the Canadian Navy. I guess I'll just have to quietly, and secretly, not to be mentioned publicly you know, surrender to the demands of you and the I.R.A.So, what are your terms"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners, so we'll accept your surrender, under these terms,
One: Gerry Adams gets put in to your Government along with other I.R.A. representatives.
Two:We get full power sharing in Northern Ireland.
Three: You resign from Government.
Four: you become a converted Catholic."
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
The MRL,Secret Squirrel, Labour's Definition of Heaven...........
Labour's Britain is like Heaven
In Labour's Britain we live in HEAVEN.
We HEAVEN got petrol,
We HEAVEN got work,
We HEAVEN got a cure for aids,
We HEAVEN got educated kids
We HEAVEN got electricity,
We HEAVEN got Gas
We HEAVEN got out of Iraq
We HEAVEN got morality
We HEAVEN got Law & Order and
We HEAVEN got a bright future."
Secret Squirrel.
...............................................................
Secret Squirrel On The State Of The European Union............
Secret Squirrel comments on the state of the European Union.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN BRITISH VERSION
The Euro Englishman works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Euro Frenchman thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the
winter, the shivering Euro Frenchman calls a press conference and demands
to know why the Euro Englishman should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
The American CNN shows up to provide pictures of the shivering Euro Frenchman
next to the Euro Englishman in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Americans are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be
that, in a Europe of such wealth, this poor Euro Frenchman is allowed
to suffer so?
Then a representative of European Civil Liberties
shows up on The National and charges the Euro Englishman with French bias,
and makes the case that the Euro Frenchman is the victim of 1000 years
of anti-French behaviour. Nicolas Sarkozy appears on CNN with the
Euro Frenchman, and everybody cries when he stands on a milk case and sings "Frere Jacques".
Gordon Brown makes a special guest appearance on the American CNN
with Larry King on "Larry King Live", and forced to explain the
difference tells a concerned American public he will do everything he can
do everything for the Euro Frenchman who has been denied the prosperity
they claim the Euro Frenchman deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Major/Thatcher summers.
British Finance Minister ,Alistair Darling exclaims in an interview that in his judgement the
Euro Englishman has gotten rich off the back of the Euro Frenchman,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Euro Englishman to make
him pay his "fair share.",increasing existing toll road and
bridge tolls and adding more road and bridge tolls to pay for it all.
Finally, Labor drafts the "Economic Equity and Pro-Euro French
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The Euro Englishman is fined
for failing to hire a proportionate number of Frenchman in his
businesses and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
The Lord Adonis,Lord Justice of Appeal,decides to himself represent the Euro Frenchman in
the Brussels Court,in a defamation suit against the Euro Englishman,
and the case is tried before a panel of Euro hearing officers that Nicolas Sarkozy
himself appointed from a list of single-parent Paris
welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The Euro Englishman loses the case.
The story ends as we see the Euro Frenchman finishing up the last bits
of the Euro Englishman's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the Euro Englishman's old house, crumbles around him
since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The Euro Englishman has disappeared in the snow.
And on the tele, which the Euro Frenchman bought by selling most of the
Euro Englishman's food, they are showing Gordon Brown standing before a
wildly applauding group of loyal Labour Party members announcing that a
new era of "European Fairness" has dawned in Britain.
Secret Squirrel.
.............................................................................
The New Labour New Election Logo
Secret Squirrel has discovered that the Labour Party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom believing it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects the pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed.
Secret Squirrel.
................................................................
Secret Squirrel has seen to it that with the impending annexation of Texas,and the re-acquisition of Canada by Britain,that we have rules ready for such a time.
What with the rise of the Texas separatists who have declared the annexation of Texas by the United States of America to be invalid, and so wish to succeed.................and Chuck Norris wishing to be,when and if and should that occur, it's new President, I feel then that time time is right for Britain to annex Texas as it should and would have had not the United States intervened with it's illegal annexation of Texas, so in preparation for the annexation and acquisition of Texas, adding it legally,properly, and rightly so to the British Empire......err..........Britain.........and so too also proceeding with my plan to declare the Confederation of Canada invalid, and so reacquiring the former and now once again colony of Canada we can proceed in preparation for the planned target year acquisition 2020, a year when Texans and Canadians will clearly see.................
The congratulatory speech on England Reacquiring the Colony of Canada, and Annexing the Newly Independent Republic of Texas, should all go well.
To the citizens of the Newly Independent Separated Former State of Texas,henceforth known as Texashire and the Newly Reacquired Former Colony,of Canada,Un-confederated, Now A Colony Once More, Of The Place They Ridiculously Call Canada( Spanish for Here There Is Nothing).
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
Prime Ministers in Canada, and the fact that your army has been given the year off for a rest as the generals wish, and the fact that we have a huge army of ridiculous bagpipers whose infernal horrendous cater wailing piping drives all before them, we are invading Canada for our own good to reacquire the colony, so thus we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately, and formerly absorb Canada which can in no way shape nor form defend itself or anybody in particular for that matter.
As to the place known as The Republic Of Texas, having reacquired your independence from America, as you did in the past from Mexico, and so were annexed immediately on said acquisition by America, so now being in a similar state,brought upon by the rebels and revolutionaries such as Chuck Norris and his cronies, and so having acquired said independence again, we, in Britain, are annexing The Republic Of Texas, and so renaming Texas, Texashire.
Now as to governance.............
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, or better yet the M.R.L. government which planned all this in secret sessions of Secret Squirrel's group of enlightened drunken friends down in the local pub, will appoint a Governor for Texashire, and one for Canada as well without the need for further elections. The Texas Legislature will be disbanded, and Shire government formed. Canada will have it's Parliament declared null,void, and pointless,a redundancy to be sure, and replaced with a government formed out of the drunks of the Ottawa Highlander Pub, who in their state of confused drunkenness can undoubtably rule much better than the present Canadian government.
A questionnaire may be circulated in the year (2012),these events all planned for the year 2011, to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'.Also the former French Fries you once called Freedom Fries, and the again called French Fries will now be known as either chips, or Dumbarse Fries as you prefer.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as Independence Day,being replaced by Guy Fawkes Day,November 5th.July 1st will no longer be celebrated as Canada Day, being replaced by Lord Sutch Day, November 12th.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
----------------------
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.This will be the official item of defense of the person.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. Texashire will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.Also, a return to the English system of weights and measures is necessary,which means local meat sellers may now legally place their thumbs on the scale.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.What was known as American Football, will now be referred to as Really Sissy Boy Rugby.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
17. And as a special consideration to the newly acquired former State Of Texas,wel shall now remove Chuck Norris from it's government in favor of somebody else who hasn't had the Fu Kunged once too many times.
18. The State Song of the Former Republic of Texas, Texas Our Texas, will be replaced by the here included, Let It All Hang Out............learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
(Spoken)
A preachment, dear friend
You are about to receive on John Barleycorn
Nicotine and the temptations of Eve
(Bronx Cheer salute)
(Sung)
No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razors broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I dont care, let it all hang out
Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what its all about
It's too much, man, let it all hang out
Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out
Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out
It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
19. The former Canadian national anthem is to be replaced by..
They're Coming To Take Me Away,Ha-Haaa!
So that the people may remember their state of mind driven so by years of inept,ignorant,ridiculous,incompetent, and idiotic self-rule.........
learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
20) Once again, for the welfare of the British economy,it being necessary to actually finance the area colony known as Canada, and the rest of the empire, Canadians in the colony will once again be given jobs working in the mines,forests, and on the farms providing the necessary sustinence and life blood of a massive and prosperous economy that which is Britain and the Empire.........whilst doing this,since there have been changes since the last empire, Britain will return things somewhat to the state that they were in those prosperous days of Empire, the Canadians so employed will have to wear blackface, bowing to the traditions of the day and the job of keeping the empire prosperous.
21) The border of Texashire WILL be protected from Mexican invasions, we will work a deal with the Americans,assimilating them in to our Empire's economy as a service area,we will allow us to sell to us, in fair trade Florida's alligators to the Rio Grande border of Texashire with Mexico, to serve as the new Border Patrol, one that has some real teeth in dealing with illegal wetback immigration.Should the Americans be unreasonable we can further import crocs from the former colony of Australia or the colonies of Afrique.
God save the Queen.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..............................................
M.R.L. Solves Britain's Prison Problems.
Secret Squirrel has seen that there are severe problems in England what with prison overcrowding, and a general lack of prisons, arising from the extreme high cost of construction of such facilities, and maintenance of same in terms of prison staff etc. In the 60's arose a system of construction, prefab, which was used to construct several buildings, including the then considered ultra modern Habitat 67 at the Man and His World exhibition in the colony of Canada during the World's Fair of that year. Interesting, boxes piled one atop the other, sticking out here and there etc.and interesting piece of engineering.
This engineering principle was carried forwards to ships in the form of cargo containers, and can be stacked say 14,000 to a vessel, each container cell being say 20x8x8 in terms of feet, interestingly, the size of a prison cell, particularly those of the Americans in Guantanamo Bay. The idea presents itself. Now a prison at sea is a grand idea, utilizing containers,stacked, , expandable to the max limit, say 7 such ships could accommodate the entire prison population of Britain! However, these ships consume say 1660 gallons (imperial), of fuel an hour...........not worth the cost to send'em on a sea cruise is it?
But the idea has presented itself, a prison island, indeed yes, imagine an island in the Indian Ocean, not requiring heating costs,and not worth it, the air conditioning costs, merely a form of bed and breakfast,lunch,dinner...........a gigantic container ship type island, stacked with prison cells, as converted cargo containers, ever expandable..........look at Diego Garcia, an island almost abandoned, it could easily become the prison for Britain, indeed the name, Diego Garcia,Her Majesty's Prison For The Extremely Naughty, comes to mind.
Look at what is there now a large airbase with several long range runways constructed, as well as a harbor suitable for large naval vessels so delivery of prisoners and containers to house new arrivals is a thing of utter ease.
As a territory of the United Kingdom, the head of state is Queen Elizabeth II. There is no Governor appointed to represent the Queen on the territory, as there are no native inhabitants. Thus the island itself is ideal, as an island, indeed, the lesser prisoners could act as guards and prison staff, making them useful to the full, reducing the costs of maintenance grandly, just requiring prison ship patrols about the island to prevent shall we say, prisoners attempting to break in to the island to enjoy it's lush location and tropical accommodation. Problem solved. Failing this we'll just follow the example of the Cuban and Haitian boat people heading off to America, we'll simply boat'em all towards the Australian coast, point the ship towards Australia, and so toss the lot of'em off.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
--------------------------------------------------------
MRL On The Reason To Encourage The Consumption of Beef.
There are many factors involved in this global warming,climate change issue of the day.........There are strange factors involved, such as cockroaches. Insect flatulence may account for one-fifth of all the methane emissions on this planet. (Termites are also prodigious farters; indeed, dogs trained to sniff out termites and roaches are actually following their farts.)
Cockroaches,particularly the Canadian variety as the study showed(of course, they may have meant their politicians, there is some confusion on the matter here) are among the biggest contributors to global warming, since they break wind every fifteen minutes. Furthermore, they continue to release methane gas for eighteen hours after they die. In a global scale, insect flatulence is estimated to account for 20% of all methane emissions. This puts the cockroach as one of the biggest contributors to Global Warming. However, here a BBC study has shown a very major contributer........
And here commences the Epistle From The BBC.......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/newsnight/2007/02/meet_daisy_the_cow_global_climates_enemy_number_on.html
Meet Daisy the cow global climate’s enemy number one.
When I started to investigate the impact of food on the environment a month ago I thought I would find myself fretting over food miles. In fact transport is a tiny component of agriculture’s worldwide contribution to greenhouse gas emissions.
No, the main culprit is out there in the fields, chewing her cud. It turns out that livestock predominantly cattle are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 per cent of the total, to be precise.
That’s right, almost a fifth of all emissions which is more greenhouse gas emissions than all the transport on earth planes, trains, cars, skidoos the lot.
You’ll be wondering how I reach that staggering conclusion. Indeed, regular readers of this blog may be worried that my decision forgo flesh and become a vegan during January has fostered an irrational hatred of animals.
Not so. The research implicating Daisy and her bovine brothers and sisters in global warming is very well sourced. A good start is Livestock’s Long Shadow, a report by the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization.
So why is the meat we eat so polluting?
Well, first of all we need to get a sense of scale. Seventy per cent of all agricultural land is used to raise animals that’s a third of the land surface of the entire planet. What’s more, over a third of all cereal production goes to feed those animals.
The UN report estimates that 160 million tonnes of carbon dioxide are associated with the fossil fuels emitted by this vast global industry that’s roughly a third of the UK’s total CO2 emissions. The figure includes transporting meat and dairy products across the globe, as well as the carbon dioxide emitted on the farm, in processing and in manufacture of nitrogen fertilizer, which is used to raise crops for feed for animals.
Add in the carbon from deforestation and land degradation and the figure is far, far higher. Most deforested land is used for pasture and the UN reckons the carbon released in the process takes the carbon cost of livestock up to the equivalent of 2.7 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide. That’s around seven per cent of all the greenhouse gases emitted by man.
That is a lot of global warming gas but still way short of that eighteen per cent figure. That’s because carbon dioxide isn’t the only global warming gas that animals are responsible for which is where Daisy comes in.
Ruminant animals like cows and sheep produce a lot of methane as they digest their food. And methane is a powerful greenhouse gas twenty three times as powerful as carbon dioxide, in fact.
There are reckoned to be around one and a half billion head of cattle on the planet and one point seven billion sheep. They, together with the more modest emissions of other farm animals, produce 37 per cent of global methane emissions which adds up to the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
We’re still not at a fifth of global emissions though. To get there you have to factor in the effects of another global warming gas - nitrous oxide. It is way more potent than even methane with 296 times the global warming power of carbon dioxide. Sixty five per cent of human related emissions of nitrous oxide are from the nitrogen in animal manure. That accounts for the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide.
Add the effects of the three gases associated with farming animals and you get total emissions equivalent to 7.1 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
And so here Ends The Epistle From The BBC...........
And so goes this report from the BBC...............stating quite flatly that cows are responsible for 1/4 of the carbon dioxide emissions................a blatant indicment of Daisy, the cow. Clearly at such high levels, Daisy, the Cow, representative of all cows, and cows...merit.........death. In short what needs be done is we must not turn vegan, this would merely leave more cows, producing yet more cows, and so increasing the number of cows, not reducing them, so we must eat more cows, eat more cow products..............burgies must be increased to doubles in the least,better yet triple and quadruple burgers, with singles being banned, we must consume steaks,beef roasts pot or Wellington,and so reduce the numbers of cows and so reduce the carbon dioxide and methane emission and so save earth. Of course we are ourselves also to blame, man,or woman, producing (EACH)1/2 litre of fart gas per day, a rather high figure in the methane category considering the vast level of population in the world,being 6,692,030,277,( a ratio of cows/sheep at 3-1, sheep and cow each a ration of 6-1,per person)which makes, scientificly 1,673,007,568 litres per day of human farts.Indeed recall that the consumption of veggies by the carnivore man, and that exclusively by veggans, influences, especially that by veggans who produce far more than the average 14/litre fart,but actually 1/2, indeed veggans must be banned, and retrained,re-educated, deprogrammed from veggies, to join humankind in the reduction of the beef herds by eating beef.Of course mankind's prolific production of farts, from points of view of reduction of same, is nothing to turn cannibal over,and of course one cannot expect anyone to make the supreme sacrifice(as did Heath Ledger)and commit suicide,we should content oursleves to consuming cows,consuming more cows,
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
The MRL's Secret Squirrel's Public Service Announcement Concerning the Problem and Behaviour of the Foul,And Most Foreign,Mime.
Secret Squirrel has considered the problem of something that was near and dear to Princess Diana,the problem of the dreaded land mime,a problem most feared and hated.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
"How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways..."
Maybe, Maybe Not by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways.
I hate mimes to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I hate mimes to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I hate mimes freely, as men strive for Right;
I hate mimes purely, as they turn from Praise.
I hate mimes with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I hate mimes with a hate I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I hate mimes with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but hate mimes better after they're all dead.
From the original,as rediscovered,perhaps on parchment,but not by James Cameron so there is probably major truth in this being the original,Browning herself may not be dead as James Cameron has not claimed to have discovered her empty grave as yet,rumored to have the words,JESUS.I'm Dead! scrawled on it as the other boxes he's found have.
What is MIME ? - Up until recently MIME was considered a theatrical art form in which an "actor" portrays a character and/or narration using no speech, sounds or props; just body movement and gestures. However, several months ago very important scientists at a very important laboratory discovered that the MIME condition, or Mnemonically Inadequate Mental Entropy, is actually an insidious form of insanity, annoying millions of non mimes each year.
Luckily those same very important scientists have formed the MIME Insanity Research Institute as the world's first best hope to combat the MIME condition.
Our scientists have discovered three separate causes for this affliction.
* The annoyance gene - Approximately 60% of all mimes are afflicted by this anomalous gene. It causes those that have it to believe that they are actually respected and loved by all those who hate them. They will never understand how annoying they are as all abuse and rejection is perceived as admiration and acceptance by these sad creatures.
* The perception retrovirus - Around 32% of mimes do not even realize that they are not interacting with the real world. These poor fools believe everything that they do is real, and that they are contributing to the real world and society at large. This mime is usually, but not always, easily identified by the tendency to become repeatedly trapped in invisible boxes.
* Social Conditioning - The remaining 8% of mimes have been taught through social conditioning to become mimes, never realizing that they are satirizing a serious mental illness. Some colleges and other institutes of higher learning even teach classes in MIME. This sad practice must be halted and these people turned back into productive members of society.
Luckily police were able to stop this type II mime before he was able to do any real damage with his invisible ax.
This particular mime was about to attack a group of invisible passerby's when sharp eyed police noticed and took prompt action, shooting him dead at the scene.
This, and other tragedies like it could have been avoided. Had only this mime's friends had committed him to the Institute at the earliest signs of Mimeness. Over two thousand people a day perform some kind of silent gesture. It's like a loaded gun.
Facts, Myths & Rumours: Mimes
A MIME smoking a cigar caused the Hindenberg disaster.
The Spanish Inquisition was started by a MIME.
The Beatles almost admitted to being bigger than MIMES.
Sometimes MIMES wear trench coats & carry swords.
Richard Nixon almost named his dog after a MIME.
Seven of the twelve apostles were MIMES.
Ru Paul blames MIMES as one of his/her biggest influences.
Mimes wear underpants.
Pig Latin was started by Mimes to fool the Nazis.
All the dance choreography for "The Brady Bunch" episodes were directed by Marcel Marceau.
Mimes love bad children.
Englebert Humperdink's father was a mime.
Mimes invented the Abacus.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
The MRL And The Dreaded Land Mime
We in the MRL must make a commitment to be honor bound to glorify the name of Princess Diana, and honor her in the
completion of a sacred task she left to us to assist in, the utter and complete banning, and outlawing of, and removing from
this earth, the utterly horrific,putrescent, travesty of humanity, that great evil, that grand perversity,that thing hated
most by the Princess, Diana,the dreaded land mimes. Indeed these horrifying creatures must be put an end to. Their ridiculous
gesticulations, waving of arms and legs round and abouts and all abouts, that vicious swivelling and rotating of their
atrocious hips, and all the whilst their insane invisible mockery of the eating of foods,must finally be ended by the ending
of them.
Indeed, imagine now the world of land mimes. Princess Diana visited the people of this earth, the victims, the targets of the
land mimes, she touched the untouchables, reached the unreachables,bore the unbearables, and yet she continued, she saw to it
the lepers were properly lepered, those with aids were helped with some more, and saw the children with their swollen bellies from food
or the lack of food being mocked by the invisible eating antics of the horrid land mimes,the food they would have eaten
being sent as foreign aid to Canada and the United States, there to be sold to the people there.We want to collect all the
land mimes and place them in an invisible box of their own creation, a box fit for an invisible sad thing, a misery.We must
hate them. As time passes the location of land mimes is often forgotten, even by those who planted them. These mimes continue
to be functional for many decades, causing further damage, injury and death, through their wild inane and idiotic antics.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of
stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand
very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a
person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity
rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the
Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist
elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called
experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be
mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they
should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories
to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United
States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
These Landmimes are basically explosive devices that are designed to explode when triggered by pressure or a tripwire of
humanity.Figures state that currently, there are more than 100-million landmimes located in 70 countries around the world,
according to OneWorld International. Since 1975, landmimes have killed or maimed more than 1-million people, which has led to
a worldwide effort to ban further landmime use and clear away existing landmimes. Humanity has suffered horribly, why in Las
Vegas, the Americans substituted Celine Dion, for the appearance of the dreaded land mime, Marcel Marceau, imagine,
replacement of the worst possible thing, with the second most dreaded thing.Such inhumanity they suffered, we must admire
them, and encourage them to keep Celine trapped there, not that they'll do anyone that favor.
Land mimes and other explosive remnants and tatters of the badly acting fraternity continue to threaten, maim and kill
indiscriminately long after own personal hostilities have ended, and impede post-conflict reconstruction and economic
development in civilized lands. They typically cause severe injury, including the amputation of one or more limbs, and most
of their victims are civilians. Disabled for life, survivors require long-term care, they expense of the sudden and horrible
encounter with the dreaded mime.It is said that 20,000 are killed or maimed by landmimes annually, disgustingly terrifying
figures, as disgusting and as terrifying as the single solitary view of a single land mime figure.Still governments do not
heed, do not listen, do not care.The widespread use of anti-personnel mimes has created a humanitarian crisis of global
proportions.
Attempts have been made to estimate the number of AP,Actra and Actors Equity mimes in the ground around the world through
reporting procedures by countries under the Ottawa Convention. However, it is now apparent that the number of mimes in the
ground is not an accurate measurement of the landmine problem.
Instead, the most significant measurement of landmime consequences is the amount of high-priority land that contains mimes.
This is land that is arable, socially and / or economically valuable or essential for transportation to the local residents.
The risk of death or injury inhibits use of the land. Whether a field has 2 mimes or 10,000 mimes means it cannot be used by
a community.Worldwide wide it is said that there are some 300,000-400,000 landmime survivors, unquestionably those who have
merely viewed the land mime on some heaven forsaken television program, or in passing may have merely heard of a mime
performing on the radio, and they have lived, unscathed,unscarred. unlike the rest who have actually encountered one
personally.Survivors, but what of those who did not.......... we are often haunted by the image of a small child who has
experienced the agony of a landmime injury, the cumulative problems caused by landmimes typically do not end with the
personal, physical, or even mental trauma of an individual. Invariably the net effect of multiple and frequent accidents is
to inflict societal trauma, via infrastructure and economic damage, on the country at large. People who step on landmines
often lose legs, arms, vision, hearing, and many die. These victims also have to deal with the effect of their injuries for
the rest of their lives.
Land mimes do not just affect the people who step on a sleeping mime. Communities, countries and the entire world feel the
effects of a single mime.Mimes are horrific when encountered, when touched, when stepped on...............indeed what do we
do with mimes, how to get rid of them? Well, it has been said, that a mime is a terrible thing to waste,it is suggested that
we not waste them,but somehow find a use for them.Yet herein lies the difficulty, no one has found a use for mimes.
Every effort must be made, every political and socio-political party in the world, must commit itself. to the remembrance
and the honoring of the name of Princess Diana, by helping rid the world, forever, once and for all time, of land mimes.
Once that is accomplished, we can rest for awhile, and then turn our attention to mimes and their effects on cruise and other
shipping at sea.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
.........................................
MRL: Applications Of The New Irish Air Travel System.
The headline reads..................
Now Ryanair wants passengers to STAND UP during flights
By Graham Smith
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197799/Ryanair-make-passengers-stand-bid-cram-board.html
No frills: Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary wants passengers to stand during the budget airline's flights
Ryanair wants passengers to stand during its flights so the budget airline can squeeze more people on board.
The Irish air carrier plans to cut costs by making fliers perch on stools with seat belts around their waists.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary has already held talks with US plane manufacturer Boeing about designing an aircraft with standing room.
Should the idea get the go-ahead from the Irish Aviation Authority, the airline plans to either order new jets or refurbish its existing
fleet.
And indeed, they should.Think of the vast savings this new Irish concept in air flight will achieve....................seats won't be
necessary, passengers will stand up. One of the first things we will notice is that for the first time the Irish can't be called
lay-about drunks, but actually stand up drunks, just like everybody else except, of course, that they will have something to assist them
in standing up. All that remains is that they carry this concept to the further stage. That of saving such thins as landing fees. Yes,
indeed, the passengers could be wearing paratrooper uniforms and as paratroopers do, when over target city area, they jump out and
parasail down, complete with luggage which can't be lost now,an added plus, and proficiently land even yet at their intended address of
arrival, never mind the right aerodrome!!!!!!!!! Imagine now in one fell swoop, the luggage horrors of Britain's Heathrow, the luggage horrors of Britain, also solved, all in one fell swoop.The mind boggles. Ever onwards. We too in Britain must seize on this new Irish development and march bravely in to the future of air travel.
Of course, it is mentioned, that previously I have mentioned such an air travel system, but,of course, mine was somewhat easier, the passenger would be properly seated through their flight, but it is grand to see that my air travel system has been and is evolving in the world of today. Imagine, my air travel system of the future, in the world of today.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Secret Squirrel's Miraculous Doings....Continue.
Keywords:
global,warming,cows,gas,rich,ice,floods,chunnel,electricity,eels,electricity,marlon,brando,ozone,cars,secret squirrel,propulsion
The MRL Global Warming Cow Gas Emission Collection Plan.
Secret Squirrel global warming is a global problem which we must now turn our attention to.Meet the world's top destroyer of the environment. It is not the car, or the plane,or even George Bush,: it is the cow.
A United Nations report has identified the world's rapidly growing herds of cattle as the greatest threat to the climate, forests and wildlife. And they are blamed for a host of other environmental crimes, from acid rain to the introduction of alien species, from producing deserts to creating dead zones in the oceans, from poisoning rivers and drinking water to destroying coral reefs, and also..............global warming.Cows and bulls can produce 500 litres of methane a day.
Here I stand, out in a field in Devonshire,as she stares at me she is constantly chewing... and burping .........and.............farting.One dairy cow gives off enough methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 empty litre bottles of pop, which is really bad for the environment. It turns out that livestock – predominantly cattle – are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 percent of the total, to be precise.Indeed these fart gases rise in the atmos and hence are proveably responsible for the ever increasing great hole in the ozone layer.
A single cow could be producing as much as 500 litres of methane per day.
There are more than two million more like her across the UK.
They are the UK's biggest single source of methane - a gas 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide when it comes to global warming.
In fact cattle are responsible for about 3 per cent of all Britain's greenhouse gases. Reduce that and experts say you not only make farming greener and more efficient, it could help Britain achieve its commitments under the Kyoto agreement.But who are the major moral culprits in the events of cows and global warming.......
What countries have the most cattle?Here they are in order of the top ten.
1 India
2 Brazil
3 China
4 US
5 Argentina
6 Sudan
7 Ethiopia
8 Mexico
9 Russian Federation
10 Colombia
Indeed none of these nations can say,."Haven't got a cow man!",as it is time to lay the blame. No indeed, they have cows, and lots of'em, and are the major cause of the problems affecting the world,the problems of global warming. But enough of the cause of global warming, are there then solutions to the problem....................well................
Argentine scientists are studying the effects of global warming by strapping plastic tanks to the backs of cows to collect their gas.
Researchers say the slow digestive system of cows makes them a producer of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas that gets far less attention than carbon dioxide as a potential cause of global warming.
So to collect it a plastic tank is fitted to the cow's back and connected through a tube to the animal's stomach.
Aha! Wisdom prevails, but not in the Argentinians.indeed they are studying the problem, collecting gases to study the problem. Little do they realize that that is the actual solution to the problem...the have absolutely no hindsight in the foresight of their studies...indeed fitting each and every cow with such a gas collector, collecting both belches, and farts..............would save humanity!!!
Oh the humanity of it! Fields of cows,cows running about India,etc etc etc, fitted with these gas bag collecting tanks.Not to study but to actually collect,to gather, to bottle. Said tanks could thence be emptied, trucks coming about on a daily basis to collect the methane gas, and then that gas being bottled and condensed, and hence use in place of such gases as propane, an offspring of.......oil. Indeed this collected gas could be storage tanked and thence used as cooking gas for homes, heating gas for homes,homes could be lit by it!!
Indeed the mind boggles, said gas could also have applications in being burned to provide gas fuels for motor cars,lorries and buses. Indeed once more we in the MRL have excelled, identified the problem, and applied a technologically engineered cure for the betterment of humanity whilst at the same time ending the most massive contributer to the global warming crisis.The world is saved!! By the MRL!!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
-------------------------
How The M.R.L. Will Make EACH U.K. Citizen Rich For Life
Secret Squirrel knows how to make you rich!
(Now, I was pondering the huge payout figures for General Motors, which the British government HAS available to it..........I then pondered the population figures for the UK....got out the calculator..............and................well...................do read on..................what's more important, General Motors, or the UK Citizens and YOU? I fully realize that Labour ponders things differently, but here are MY MRL views on what should be done with the available 500million pounds................)
GM told insolvency 'better for Opel than bail-out' - Telegraph
7 Mar 2009 ... GM told insolvency 'better for Opel than bail-out' ... GM is believed to want Britain to contribute around £500m to the European rescue .......................
.so the headlines read............but think now, let's analyze this.......
Well now................dire straits for General Motors? Dire straits for Britain with the loss of the foreign US General Motors jobs.....but face it, here this means that Britain with it's population of 61 million, could afford 500m pounds....................now Britain also spends billion elsewhere...but why waste it on General Motors........
It is the sudden realization of the magnitude of this payout.....it is the magnitude of the figure here mentioned to give to a foreign firm for employing a FEW people,in and by comparison with the sum total of the population of the U.K.........but how many people, Britain has a population (United Kingdom), of 61 million...................
It suddenly occurred to me that the UK Government CAN easily afford 500m pounds...........BUT why then does the Labour government, then simply allow General Motors with it's ridiculously low job figures, compared with 61 million UK citizens,to BE GIVEN that princely and handsome sum.................why not then divide the 500m pounds by the 61m population of the United Kingdom, and then......since it is obviously affordable.....pay EACH UNITED KINGDOM CITIZEN 8.1Million Pounds? Think about it, nobody need work, everybody'd be rich, IT IS AFFORDABLE, the Government has it, the government wishes to spend it, why spend it on a foreign firm such as General Motors, Yes! Simply give each U.k. citizen 8.1million pounds instead, and so the 500m pounds could be said to have been wisely spent.
Secret Squirrel,(Frank John Hermann)
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
----------------------------------------
MRL Proposal To Sell Ice To The Canadians.
Secret Squirrel can turn a profit from selling cheap ice to the Canadians!
What once used to be a joking phrase defining a certain kind of salesman may turn out to be prophetic, in my estimation when I achieved a monumentally profitable plot to sell ice to the Canadians, and so provide we in Britain with our fish and chips.
With the dwindling ice pack in the Arctic Ocean, the lives of Canadian Eskimos and polar bears are threatened by global warming.The Canadian government knows what they need.
What the Canadian Arctic needs is ice.But can they afford the real thing? Quite plainly it's
much too costly to set up ice making apparatus in the vicious environment of the Canadian
Northlands..........so if we are to turn a profit off of the Canadians and finally make the
colony pay, we must sell them an alternative which is much cheaper for us to manufacture.
I propose we form a company and start making artificial ice floes to place in the Arctic Ocean to give the polar bears platforms to hunt seals from.
We can make 4 foot thick Styrofoam sheets that look and function like real ice floes,which is much yet cheaper to a pondered proposal, that of using cheaper, but much more expensive than styrofoam, Brazilian wood(which would also save the rain forest and contribute to our reduction of Britain's environmental carbon footprint.)
So the Canadian Eskimoes are threatened because there are fewer polar bears, so we provide at a handsome profit the artificial ice flows such that the polar bears can sit on them, be threatened and hunted by the eskimoes who want to do that and require the polar bears for their sustainance, and the polar bears can threaten and hunt the seals, which the polar bears require for their sustainance, and so the reduced numbers of seals such that they do not consume the cod fish we require for our sustinance in Britain.
So we go in to mass production and sales to the Canadians of the artificial ice floes so we can save the polar bears,save the poor Canadian eskimoes, reduce the seal population and so save the cod fish we require for our fish and chips , all to the great applause of the world.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
----------------------------
Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
Secret Squirrel knows floods occur,recur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, existent a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
See accompanying images of these fascinating,useful and necessary flood clothing items.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
--------------------------------------
The M.R.L.Solving Britain's Flood Water Problems
Well now, what with the recent floodings, and re-floodings occurring now virtually and in reality every year, something should be done about it. But of course the incumbent government has been laggardly in dealing with the recurring situations. There is a solution to the problem, a sound engineering solution, based on sound hydrological engineering principles, the very sound principles set down by the Romans. It all works and will work, on the basis of the Roman knowledge of hydrology, namely that water follows the rule of law written in hydrology that water must flow downhill, unless it is arrested by a rise in the land. Now Britain is up at the top of the world, and extends downwards, quite rightly, and properly with France and the French beneath us.
What needs be done, is quite simply, starting at the top, we construct,in the earth of course, a long line drainage canal extending downwards, towards and collecting at Dover. Why collecting, well there will be several branch lines joining the main artery canal,all part of a drainage canal system
Now the Collector, as it is called, where the water will be disposed of, is quite properly the Chunnel, to which the storm water will the be directed in to, continuing on, ever following the legalities of the Laws Of Hydrology, flowing downwards, and emerging in France, where it will be a French problem for them to deal with.
You recall a previous engineering plan of allowing the sewage of Great Britain to be collected and directed in to the Chunnel? Well, there will be no problem there as the Chunnel can accommodate both the sewage flows and the storm water flows,as some area cities already do have and share a common sewage/sanitation/storm drain system, so too can that principle be applied here, rather than separate, saving the costs of building another Chunnel...........a Pence saved is a Pound earned, until the government takes your pence.
Ever onwards, the M.R.L. solves problems through sound engineering principles.No problem there.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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From the private files of......................
Secret Squirrel
The Rebel Had A Cause.
Secret Squirrel has found,hidden amongst the private papers of Marlon Brando the most brilliant plan to make each and every house in Britain independent of the electrics works companies. Brando envisaged a plan to string electric eels
round and about the swimming pool and then run cables to the house to electrically power the edifice.
Indeed a bold and innovative plan. All that remains is for the M.R.L. to take up his engineering genius
and free the British people from slavery to the electric works.Marlon Brando with his scheme to provide free and readily available eel-ectricity to the people,the people who make up humanity! Oh the humanity of Brando! Genius extraordinare.
Secret Squirrel
(M.R.L.)
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
And just look at this, years after Brando's misfortunate departure from this world......
Japan eel wishes you an electric Christmas
TOKYO (Reuters) - Not even a blackout could put a damper on festivities at one Japanese aquarium where an electric eel is being used to light up its Christmas tree.
Two aluminum panels inside the eel's tank work as electrodes to catch its power. Cables attached to the panels supply the lights on the nearby tree with electricity.
Inventor Kazuhiko Minawa said it took him more than a month to devise a system that would effectively harness eel power.
"If we could gather all electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably giant Christmas tree," Minawa told Reuters Television.
Eels are widely eaten in Japan, especially in the summer, when their vitamin-rich flesh is seen as a way to regain stamina sapped by the heat.
The tree, which will stay illuminated until December 25, is proving a popular attraction, drawing tourists from all over the country. "I would love to have an eel like this at home. This is very nature-friendly," said visitor Harumi Yayoi.
(Reporting by Reuters Television; editing by Miral Fahmy)
(One other article mentions a copper electrode............)
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSSP27985020071213
Brando,yes, innovator of eel-ectricity...indeed yes. I recognized his genius years back when he suggested it, and I immediately put it forward to the MRL, as his project for the betterment of the people, indeed yes! And see too how today his project move forwards in to true realization......Brando.................and engineering genius, a pioneer in the field of energy generation, a pioneer in the field of electricity, of the generation,the safe generation, of green electricity,pretty much free eel-ectricity, but then life always throws you a PETA, they'll be marching now claiming cruelty to eels, cruelty for imprisoning eels..................................always the down side.
----------------------------------------------------------------
M.R.L.'s Cow Methane Driven Cars
Secret Squirrel says how now Brown's cow...............what have we here? I have discovered an excellent system of highly efficient automobile fuel, and it's free......indeed have you got a cow man? Well? No? Haven't got a cow? Well....get one..........for your own backyard, and have free automobile fuel for the rest of your life!! Imagine, yes indeed the system is engineering genius,mine of course, and already proveable in operation, indeed provable and efficient as in the example of already on the road propane powered taxis,cars,buses,lorries(trucks).
Cows can produce 500 litres of methane every day...as opposed to your average cowboys who produces 1/2 to 3 litres per day..........(the latter being studies of Mexican cowboys on a bean diet).
So, gasoline cost $0.94cents per litre..........propane $0.42cents per litre....cow methane per litre cost.......zero. The cow can be kept in the backyard and allowed to graze, saving cost and effort of cutting the grass as well.......increasing the savings...........the cow also provides milk.........an added plus.......
Now a per trip values estimate, on gasoline a 600km trip,at 60 litres of gas per trip, on propane the same trip consumes 80 litres, but of much cheaper cost,nearly half, but with propane this drops to zero. As to distance, well the 600 km figure for the day is highly acceptable as a base rate.............even for say taxis. Now taxis,many, are already equipped with propane tanks.
All that remains is to substitute the cow collection methane plastic tank.............easily swapped in with a fresh tank as the cow produces it...imagine, researchers from Argentina were surprised to find that a single 550-kg cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions each day............more than enough for the day, and any excess production could be utilized for home cooking and heating uses,the barbie so plastic tanked as well. Indeed, these methane filled tanks can be used anywhere propane is presently utilized! Even yet trains could become methane cow powered. Imagine, The Iron Horse, becoming know as The Iron Cow!!The method of collection? Well the Argentines have been conducting experiments with cows to collect the methane they produce.
Little do they realize that that tank full of methane, could easily be substituted in vehicles for their already installed propane tanks(these tanks are housed in the boot(trunk), of the vehicles should they be of the passenger type, and other places for non passenger types,such as roofs for buses).! Well I can see you're thinking, how ridiculous it would be to drive about with a cow in the backseat producing methane for the car.......however,we don't need the entire cow, just the tank of methane it fills up, and indeed whilst driving on that tank, the cow could be in the backyard busily filling up yet another tank ready as needed! A truly efficient self-sustaining vehicular fuel energy system!Indeed, we are free! Free from fuel costs! Free to drive about as well please! free! Free! Free! And..the fuel supply is free as well!!
Well for a sureity the oil companies have gotten on to this, indeed at this very moment both pills,injections, and feed additives are being developed to stop cows from producing these massive free amounts of methane. The plot's afoot, I can sense Government and Big Business seeking to send my free fuel engineering system to ruination of the people.
But fear not, get a cow man! And get a methane collection tank! Convert your vehicle to propane driven, but wisely substitute a plastic methane tank swap system!!!!Free yourself!Get a cow,man!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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The Rules For Dealing With The Ozone Problem
I,Secret Squirrel solve this,and any other political problem that confuses and either won't go away or is difficult to explain away as a non problem..................
Launch a public relations campaign disputing the evidence.
Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.
Find and pay a respected scientist to argue persuasively against the threat.
Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don't publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view.
Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your point of view as scientific fact.
Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken.
Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.
Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding.
Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.
Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken.
Argue that it is less expensive to live with the effects.
Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
-------------------------------------------------------------
global,warming,cows,gas,rich,ice,floods,chunnel,electricity,eels,electricity,marlon,brando,ozone,cars,secret squirrel,propulsion
The MRL Global Warming Cow Gas Emission Collection Plan.
Secret Squirrel global warming is a global problem which we must now turn our attention to.Meet the world's top destroyer of the environment. It is not the car, or the plane,or even George Bush,: it is the cow.
A United Nations report has identified the world's rapidly growing herds of cattle as the greatest threat to the climate, forests and wildlife. And they are blamed for a host of other environmental crimes, from acid rain to the introduction of alien species, from producing deserts to creating dead zones in the oceans, from poisoning rivers and drinking water to destroying coral reefs, and also..............global warming.Cows and bulls can produce 500 litres of methane a day.
Here I stand, out in a field in Devonshire,as she stares at me she is constantly chewing... and burping .........and.............farting.One dairy cow gives off enough methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 empty litre bottles of pop, which is really bad for the environment. It turns out that livestock – predominantly cattle – are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 percent of the total, to be precise.Indeed these fart gases rise in the atmos and hence are proveably responsible for the ever increasing great hole in the ozone layer.
A single cow could be producing as much as 500 litres of methane per day.
There are more than two million more like her across the UK.
They are the UK's biggest single source of methane - a gas 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide when it comes to global warming.
In fact cattle are responsible for about 3 per cent of all Britain's greenhouse gases. Reduce that and experts say you not only make farming greener and more efficient, it could help Britain achieve its commitments under the Kyoto agreement.But who are the major moral culprits in the events of cows and global warming.......
What countries have the most cattle?Here they are in order of the top ten.
1 India
2 Brazil
3 China
4 US
5 Argentina
6 Sudan
7 Ethiopia
8 Mexico
9 Russian Federation
10 Colombia
Indeed none of these nations can say,."Haven't got a cow man!",as it is time to lay the blame. No indeed, they have cows, and lots of'em, and are the major cause of the problems affecting the world,the problems of global warming. But enough of the cause of global warming, are there then solutions to the problem....................well................
Argentine scientists are studying the effects of global warming by strapping plastic tanks to the backs of cows to collect their gas.
Researchers say the slow digestive system of cows makes them a producer of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas that gets far less attention than carbon dioxide as a potential cause of global warming.
So to collect it a plastic tank is fitted to the cow's back and connected through a tube to the animal's stomach.
Aha! Wisdom prevails, but not in the Argentinians.indeed they are studying the problem, collecting gases to study the problem. Little do they realize that that is the actual solution to the problem...the have absolutely no hindsight in the foresight of their studies...indeed fitting each and every cow with such a gas collector, collecting both belches, and farts..............would save humanity!!!
Oh the humanity of it! Fields of cows,cows running about India,etc etc etc, fitted with these gas bag collecting tanks.Not to study but to actually collect,to gather, to bottle. Said tanks could thence be emptied, trucks coming about on a daily basis to collect the methane gas, and then that gas being bottled and condensed, and hence use in place of such gases as propane, an offspring of.......oil. Indeed this collected gas could be storage tanked and thence used as cooking gas for homes, heating gas for homes,homes could be lit by it!!
Indeed the mind boggles, said gas could also have applications in being burned to provide gas fuels for motor cars,lorries and buses. Indeed once more we in the MRL have excelled, identified the problem, and applied a technologically engineered cure for the betterment of humanity whilst at the same time ending the most massive contributer to the global warming crisis.The world is saved!! By the MRL!!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
-------------------------
How The M.R.L. Will Make EACH U.K. Citizen Rich For Life
Secret Squirrel knows how to make you rich!
(Now, I was pondering the huge payout figures for General Motors, which the British government HAS available to it..........I then pondered the population figures for the UK....got out the calculator..............and................well...................do read on..................what's more important, General Motors, or the UK Citizens and YOU? I fully realize that Labour ponders things differently, but here are MY MRL views on what should be done with the available 500million pounds................)
GM told insolvency 'better for Opel than bail-out' - Telegraph
7 Mar 2009 ... GM told insolvency 'better for Opel than bail-out' ... GM is believed to want Britain to contribute around £500m to the European rescue .......................
.so the headlines read............but think now, let's analyze this.......
Well now................dire straits for General Motors? Dire straits for Britain with the loss of the foreign US General Motors jobs.....but face it, here this means that Britain with it's population of 61 million, could afford 500m pounds....................now Britain also spends billion elsewhere...but why waste it on General Motors........
It is the sudden realization of the magnitude of this payout.....it is the magnitude of the figure here mentioned to give to a foreign firm for employing a FEW people,in and by comparison with the sum total of the population of the U.K.........but how many people, Britain has a population (United Kingdom), of 61 million...................
It suddenly occurred to me that the UK Government CAN easily afford 500m pounds...........BUT why then does the Labour government, then simply allow General Motors with it's ridiculously low job figures, compared with 61 million UK citizens,to BE GIVEN that princely and handsome sum.................why not then divide the 500m pounds by the 61m population of the United Kingdom, and then......since it is obviously affordable.....pay EACH UNITED KINGDOM CITIZEN 8.1Million Pounds? Think about it, nobody need work, everybody'd be rich, IT IS AFFORDABLE, the Government has it, the government wishes to spend it, why spend it on a foreign firm such as General Motors, Yes! Simply give each U.k. citizen 8.1million pounds instead, and so the 500m pounds could be said to have been wisely spent.
Secret Squirrel,(Frank John Hermann)
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
----------------------------------------
MRL Proposal To Sell Ice To The Canadians.
Secret Squirrel can turn a profit from selling cheap ice to the Canadians!
What once used to be a joking phrase defining a certain kind of salesman may turn out to be prophetic, in my estimation when I achieved a monumentally profitable plot to sell ice to the Canadians, and so provide we in Britain with our fish and chips.
With the dwindling ice pack in the Arctic Ocean, the lives of Canadian Eskimos and polar bears are threatened by global warming.The Canadian government knows what they need.
What the Canadian Arctic needs is ice.But can they afford the real thing? Quite plainly it's
much too costly to set up ice making apparatus in the vicious environment of the Canadian
Northlands..........so if we are to turn a profit off of the Canadians and finally make the
colony pay, we must sell them an alternative which is much cheaper for us to manufacture.
I propose we form a company and start making artificial ice floes to place in the Arctic Ocean to give the polar bears platforms to hunt seals from.
We can make 4 foot thick Styrofoam sheets that look and function like real ice floes,which is much yet cheaper to a pondered proposal, that of using cheaper, but much more expensive than styrofoam, Brazilian wood(which would also save the rain forest and contribute to our reduction of Britain's environmental carbon footprint.)
So the Canadian Eskimoes are threatened because there are fewer polar bears, so we provide at a handsome profit the artificial ice flows such that the polar bears can sit on them, be threatened and hunted by the eskimoes who want to do that and require the polar bears for their sustainance, and the polar bears can threaten and hunt the seals, which the polar bears require for their sustainance, and so the reduced numbers of seals such that they do not consume the cod fish we require for our sustinance in Britain.
So we go in to mass production and sales to the Canadians of the artificial ice floes so we can save the polar bears,save the poor Canadian eskimoes, reduce the seal population and so save the cod fish we require for our fish and chips , all to the great applause of the world.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
----------------------------
Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
Secret Squirrel knows floods occur,recur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, existent a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
See accompanying images of these fascinating,useful and necessary flood clothing items.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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The M.R.L.Solving Britain's Flood Water Problems
Well now, what with the recent floodings, and re-floodings occurring now virtually and in reality every year, something should be done about it. But of course the incumbent government has been laggardly in dealing with the recurring situations. There is a solution to the problem, a sound engineering solution, based on sound hydrological engineering principles, the very sound principles set down by the Romans. It all works and will work, on the basis of the Roman knowledge of hydrology, namely that water follows the rule of law written in hydrology that water must flow downhill, unless it is arrested by a rise in the land. Now Britain is up at the top of the world, and extends downwards, quite rightly, and properly with France and the French beneath us.
What needs be done, is quite simply, starting at the top, we construct,in the earth of course, a long line drainage canal extending downwards, towards and collecting at Dover. Why collecting, well there will be several branch lines joining the main artery canal,all part of a drainage canal system
Now the Collector, as it is called, where the water will be disposed of, is quite properly the Chunnel, to which the storm water will the be directed in to, continuing on, ever following the legalities of the Laws Of Hydrology, flowing downwards, and emerging in France, where it will be a French problem for them to deal with.
You recall a previous engineering plan of allowing the sewage of Great Britain to be collected and directed in to the Chunnel? Well, there will be no problem there as the Chunnel can accommodate both the sewage flows and the storm water flows,as some area cities already do have and share a common sewage/sanitation/storm drain system, so too can that principle be applied here, rather than separate, saving the costs of building another Chunnel...........a Pence saved is a Pound earned, until the government takes your pence.
Ever onwards, the M.R.L. solves problems through sound engineering principles.No problem there.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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From the private files of......................
Secret Squirrel
The Rebel Had A Cause.
Secret Squirrel has found,hidden amongst the private papers of Marlon Brando the most brilliant plan to make each and every house in Britain independent of the electrics works companies. Brando envisaged a plan to string electric eels
round and about the swimming pool and then run cables to the house to electrically power the edifice.
Indeed a bold and innovative plan. All that remains is for the M.R.L. to take up his engineering genius
and free the British people from slavery to the electric works.Marlon Brando with his scheme to provide free and readily available eel-ectricity to the people,the people who make up humanity! Oh the humanity of Brando! Genius extraordinare.
Secret Squirrel
(M.R.L.)
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
And just look at this, years after Brando's misfortunate departure from this world......
Japan eel wishes you an electric Christmas
TOKYO (Reuters) - Not even a blackout could put a damper on festivities at one Japanese aquarium where an electric eel is being used to light up its Christmas tree.
Two aluminum panels inside the eel's tank work as electrodes to catch its power. Cables attached to the panels supply the lights on the nearby tree with electricity.
Inventor Kazuhiko Minawa said it took him more than a month to devise a system that would effectively harness eel power.
"If we could gather all electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably giant Christmas tree," Minawa told Reuters Television.
Eels are widely eaten in Japan, especially in the summer, when their vitamin-rich flesh is seen as a way to regain stamina sapped by the heat.
The tree, which will stay illuminated until December 25, is proving a popular attraction, drawing tourists from all over the country. "I would love to have an eel like this at home. This is very nature-friendly," said visitor Harumi Yayoi.
(Reporting by Reuters Television; editing by Miral Fahmy)
(One other article mentions a copper electrode............)
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSSP27985020071213
Brando,yes, innovator of eel-ectricity...indeed yes. I recognized his genius years back when he suggested it, and I immediately put it forward to the MRL, as his project for the betterment of the people, indeed yes! And see too how today his project move forwards in to true realization......Brando.................and engineering genius, a pioneer in the field of energy generation, a pioneer in the field of electricity, of the generation,the safe generation, of green electricity,pretty much free eel-ectricity, but then life always throws you a PETA, they'll be marching now claiming cruelty to eels, cruelty for imprisoning eels..................................always the down side.
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M.R.L.'s Cow Methane Driven Cars
Secret Squirrel says how now Brown's cow...............what have we here? I have discovered an excellent system of highly efficient automobile fuel, and it's free......indeed have you got a cow man? Well? No? Haven't got a cow? Well....get one..........for your own backyard, and have free automobile fuel for the rest of your life!! Imagine, yes indeed the system is engineering genius,mine of course, and already proveable in operation, indeed provable and efficient as in the example of already on the road propane powered taxis,cars,buses,lorries(trucks).
Cows can produce 500 litres of methane every day...as opposed to your average cowboys who produces 1/2 to 3 litres per day..........(the latter being studies of Mexican cowboys on a bean diet).
So, gasoline cost $0.94cents per litre..........propane $0.42cents per litre....cow methane per litre cost.......zero. The cow can be kept in the backyard and allowed to graze, saving cost and effort of cutting the grass as well.......increasing the savings...........the cow also provides milk.........an added plus.......
Now a per trip values estimate, on gasoline a 600km trip,at 60 litres of gas per trip, on propane the same trip consumes 80 litres, but of much cheaper cost,nearly half, but with propane this drops to zero. As to distance, well the 600 km figure for the day is highly acceptable as a base rate.............even for say taxis. Now taxis,many, are already equipped with propane tanks.
All that remains is to substitute the cow collection methane plastic tank.............easily swapped in with a fresh tank as the cow produces it...imagine, researchers from Argentina were surprised to find that a single 550-kg cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions each day............more than enough for the day, and any excess production could be utilized for home cooking and heating uses,the barbie so plastic tanked as well. Indeed, these methane filled tanks can be used anywhere propane is presently utilized! Even yet trains could become methane cow powered. Imagine, The Iron Horse, becoming know as The Iron Cow!!The method of collection? Well the Argentines have been conducting experiments with cows to collect the methane they produce.
Little do they realize that that tank full of methane, could easily be substituted in vehicles for their already installed propane tanks(these tanks are housed in the boot(trunk), of the vehicles should they be of the passenger type, and other places for non passenger types,such as roofs for buses).! Well I can see you're thinking, how ridiculous it would be to drive about with a cow in the backseat producing methane for the car.......however,we don't need the entire cow, just the tank of methane it fills up, and indeed whilst driving on that tank, the cow could be in the backyard busily filling up yet another tank ready as needed! A truly efficient self-sustaining vehicular fuel energy system!Indeed, we are free! Free from fuel costs! Free to drive about as well please! free! Free! Free! And..the fuel supply is free as well!!
Well for a sureity the oil companies have gotten on to this, indeed at this very moment both pills,injections, and feed additives are being developed to stop cows from producing these massive free amounts of methane. The plot's afoot, I can sense Government and Big Business seeking to send my free fuel engineering system to ruination of the people.
But fear not, get a cow man! And get a methane collection tank! Convert your vehicle to propane driven, but wisely substitute a plastic methane tank swap system!!!!Free yourself!Get a cow,man!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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The Rules For Dealing With The Ozone Problem
I,Secret Squirrel solve this,and any other political problem that confuses and either won't go away or is difficult to explain away as a non problem..................
Launch a public relations campaign disputing the evidence.
Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.
Find and pay a respected scientist to argue persuasively against the threat.
Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don't publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view.
Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your point of view as scientific fact.
Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken.
Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.
Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding.
Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.
Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken.
Argue that it is less expensive to live with the effects.
Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
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