Keywords:
monster,raving,loony,party,floods,flooding,prevention,chunnel,canals,dykes,dikes,ice,sales,farming,farms
The M.R.L.Solving Britain's Flood Water Problems
Well now, what with the recent floodings, and re-floodings occurring now virtually and in reality every year, something should be done about it. But of course the incumbent government has been laggardly in dealing with the recurring situations. There is a solution to the problem, a sound engineering solution, based on sound hydrological engineering principles, the very sound principles set down by the Romans. It all works and will work, on the basis of the Roman knowledge of hydrology, namely that water follows the rule of law written in hydrology that water must flow downhill, unless it is arrested by a rise in the land. Now Britain is up at the top of the world, and extends downwards, quite rightly, and properly with France and the French beneath us.
What needs be done, is quite simply, starting at the top, we construct,in the earth of course, a long line drainage canal extending downwards, towards and collecting at Dover. Why collecting, well there will be several branch lines joining the main artery canal,all part of a drainage canal system
Now the Collector, as it is called, where the water will be disposed of, is quite properly the Chunnel, to which the storm water will the be directed in to, continuing on, ever following the legalities of the Laws Of Hydrology, flowing downwards, and emerging in France, where it will be a French problem for them to deal with.
You recall a previous engineering plan of allowing the sewage of Great Britain to be collected and directed in to the Chunnel? Well, there will be no problem there as the Chunnel can accommodate both the sewage flows and the storm water flows,as some area cities already do have and share a common sewage/sanitation/storm drain system, so too can that principle be applied here, rather than separate, saving the costs of building another Chunnel...........a Pence saved is a Pound earned, until the government takes your pence.
Ever onwards, the M.R.L. solves problems through sound engineering principles.No problem there.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
......................................
Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
As floods occur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, there existent, a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.........................................
Floods
M.R.L. Flooding Solution
The government is in crisis, England is in crisis, England is flooding, and the government is England's crisis. Recent vents of flooding in Britain have touched me deeply, saddened me, disheartened me, having seen the vicious flooding in America's formerly Great City of New Orleans, and pondered the effects on the people of Britain. Indeed utter destruction was wrought in New Orleans, and was wrought in England as well.............no assistance was rendered, the people left to fend for themselves.
New Orleans was entirely the fault of a laggard American government, ignoring the pleas of the Mayor
and Citizenry alike, to expand,improve,shore up,renew and/or build new and more solid levees,quite simply, dyke structures. Britain's flooding is also the fault of a government laggard in it's behaviour, doing nothing to remedy the situation,the problems have continued to flood through governments past and present, as water through an American dyke. However there is engineering genius to be considered,British ingenuity, the adaptability of the British people in the face of adversity, all in the face of laggardly,inept, and ignorant governments which have allowed the problem to exist.
However, the problem can be solved quite easily with proper application of modern engineering techniques already existent.Indeed, I have THE solution.
It struck me quite plainly as I gazed on an amazing waterway,canal system, in Germany. I suddenly realized that one waterway crossed over the other, as a flyover, an overpass, one canal crossing above the other...............a canalway, in the sky, and in the ground. Well,here in Britain the idea will fly but the M.R.L. is more down to earth as are the engineering projects I endeavour to present. You see what needs be done is to live with both flood and non flood conditions. How? Well the German canal system is illustrative of this, it works, it's hardly leaking and collapsing as so many American unnecessary water canal projects do.Ours,however,is necessary. What we have to do, in each village and town, and interconnecting roadway, and within the towns, is to construct the roads themselves within walled dykes(I won't call the levees calling to mind the American travesty's of failed concrete walls). Now when it floods the water is contained within these canal roadways and channeled away when it's done, and back to dry road uses when it's gone. But how to live with this,how to maintain a dignified lifestyle? Well, quite simply it requires and adaptive change of lifestyle. All can be accommodated within any and all existent conditions, flood or no flood. Cars,vehicles, lorries, must now be of the amphibious type.
Recall the early amphicar,we all saw Branson's mucking about in one(no doubt a failed attempt to walk on water, the amphicar was as close as he could come).There are many varieties of such vehicles available. Look at the ingenious lorries the Cubans adapted to cross the sea to get to America. There are even yet amphi Recreational vehicles, allowing for caravan trips whilst in or out of flood conditions, indeed these can even be built as buses, for intercity, and in city transport of the population. Well now, we have accommodated transportation, business lorries, the common man's car, what of housing?
Well there are different approaches to actual housing for some may not prefer the amphi recreational bus vehicle. We can mount existing larger or smaller caravans, on barges(for those inclined to caravaning), and tether them to place,these will then rise and fall with the tide, or remain earthbound in event of non flood conditions,and so can still function as caravans in any and all conditions,allowing a waterworld,waterpark vacation in conditions of wet flood, and regular caravan camping in event of dry! Camp all around I should say! And,do! For those inclined to regular housing we can adapt as the Dutch have, with actual house type house boats, again tethering in place. What of larger edifices, well
the dying industry of cruise ships can be utilized and the ships transported to the flood areas and there they shall sit, or float depending on conditions,acting as buildings,apartments and whatever else form of other building is required.
Ah you say, what of air transit? Well, we do have, you know, existent, amphibious helicopters and yet aircraft of all types so each village can have it's own aerodrome-waterport, no problem there at all.
There, we have covered it all, solved it all, and easily with modern existent technology.Indeed the M.R.L. excels and revels in solving the problem which past and present governments have utterly failed at.The M.R.L. solution! Good for you! Good for us!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
............................................
MRL Proposal To Sell Ice To The Canadians.
What once used to be a joking phrase defining a certain kind of salesman may turn out to be prophetic, in my estimation when I achieved a monumentally profitable plot to sell ice to the Canadians, and so provide we in Britain with our fish and chips.
With the dwindling ice pack in the Arctic Ocean, the lives of Canadian Eskimos and polar bears are threatened by global warming.The Canadian government knows what they need.
What the Canadian Arctic needs is ice.But can they afford the real thing? Quite plainly it's
much too costly to set up ice making apparatus in the vicious environment of the Canadian
Northlands..........so if we are to turn a profit off of the Canadians and finally make the
colony pay, we must sell them an alternative which is much cheaper for us to manufacture.
I propose we form a company and start making artificial ice floes to place in the Arctic Ocean to give the polar bears platforms to hunt seals from.
We can make 4 foot thick Styrofoam sheets that look and function like real ice floes,which is much yet cheaper to a pondered proposal, that of using cheaper, but much more expensive than styrofoam, Brazilian wood(which would also save the rain forest and contribute to our reduction of Britain's environmental carbon footprint.)
So the Canadian Eskimoes are threatened because there are fewer polar bears, so we provide at a handsome profit the artificial ice flows such that the polar bears can sit on them, be threatened and hunted by the eskimoes who want to do that and require the polar bears for their sustainence, and the polar bears can threaten and hunt the seals, which the polar bears require for their sustainence, and so the reduced numbers of seals such that they do not consume the cod fish we require for our sustinance in Britain.
So we go in to mass production and sales to the Canadians of the artificial ice floes so we can save the polar bears,save the poor Canadian eskimoes, reduce the seal population and so save the cod fish we require for our fish and chips , all to the great applause of the world.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.........................................................
M.R.L. Farming Policy
Once again, out here on the hustings, it is time to expound my highly superior farming policy,
one which will without a doubt please our farmers, presently in a farming crisis of having to work so very hard
for so very little recompense, in the efforts of the British government to feed the French cheaply. Rather
I propose a method by which our farmers will work very little, if at all, and receive grand
recompense and live the good and proper farming life as was meant to be. Now ever onwards with my policy....................
One of the problems facing Britain today, is the crisis in farming, farmers feeling they're just not
getting enough profit for the hard work they put in to growing produce,
whilst others make massive profits and live the high life of not working etc. off of them.
Food,vegetables etc., cost to grow, costs time and effort in planting, costs for machinery to prepare the
field, to plant, to maintain, to cultivate,costs for the necessary farm machinery and maintaining such
machinery. Top it all off, the vast majority of the produce is sold to the Europeans, by the government,
and there sold to their people there, cheaply. Well traveling here in the colony of Canada,aptly named
so as the Germans refer to this location as being a hinter land. Here, in the area known as Quebec,
(translated from the French as "What A Beak"), I have discovered the secret to farming techniques which
require very little effort from the farmers,the Canadian method.
Indeed I was intrigued when I heard that a Registered Head Nurse,
had given up her career as a nurse, for the evidently much more lucrative occupation of farming, in short
she became what they call a fermier.But why? Why ever would she do that? So I journeyed out to the farmlands,
to visit her,la belle fermier...............err........study farming techniques.Well I rung her belle and had a look at the farm. Well longer story short, It seems that there, there's profit in it,if you're a fermier all round.
Yes! There's actually great profit in it. Indeed farming in the Quebec area of that colony, and quite probably
thence all over the colony as there must be federal equality in policy all round there even yet though it is a third world area.
All that it really requires to farm profitably there is a farm,an area of the usual size, but there the farming
techniques diverge from those of Britain.
Indeed, the farm requires only a a few heaps of what seem to be abandoned equipments of various
questionable nature, rusted and so forth, dilapidated, which are called farm machinery, but which in Britain pass
for a machine on the scrap heap due to be hauled off. Said fermier merely sits on the land,squats as it were , in the farm house,much as do squatters, but lives very much better, high on the hog(of which we never see any). On the farm itself,
there is much scrub to say the least,and unquestionably a lot of scrubbing in the off season, and grass of various heights, and there they grow............errr...............sit.....
the crops, the REAL crops..............................rocks.
Yes! Rocks! They farm rocks! For being possessed of said farm, the fermiers are paid by the
government,much as living off of the dole, there, or here, but certainly getting for more as such doled out to them
than there, and here for that matter, and all requiring no effort at all in the actual necessity of farming,
rocks, or otherwise, as they'll take care of themselves. Indeed there's yet more, fermiers have the ability
to increase their comfortable dole levels, by participating in certain government projects, that of NOT growing
certain things. For example, they can be paid NOT to grow wheat, or for that matter other crops. So their
land is divided in to certain fields, those not growing wheat,those not growing asparagus etc, and all the
while they can still cultivate the rocks, getting the currency for NOT growing certain crops as an added
extra. Of course, such a farm requires NO maintenance, no machinery costs of any kind(merely requires the
scrap heap with wheels on it). Now there's the solution to our farmers problems, merely adopting the farming
practice so very common to that very foreign colony!And so too, now, as shown by the belle fermier, our new applied
foreign farming techniques that will turn farming in to a Jolly All Round Good Show for our farmers!!!!!
Carry On Farming!
Secret Squirrel
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
Showing posts with label farming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label farming. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Secret Squirrel,Your Better Interests At Heart
Keywords:
monster,raving,loony,party,agriculture,farms,farming,subsidies,ships,housing,houses,air,travel,floods, flooding,venice,subway,air,reconnaissance,recce,submarine,austerity
Ever does Secret Squirrel ponder socio-economic problems, ever does he wax pensive on matters of technology,the food supply,finances, defense and come up with the solutions required in the world of today!!
The MRL Dinner Gong Has Sounded.
It's time Britain move forward in the field of socio-economic agriculture. Certain other
"nations" have made great strides forwards and discoveries in this area. Regrettably,
Britain has lagged behind. However, visiting the colony of Canada, and the area of Europe
we call France I have made certain discoveries which must be applied to England.
With regards to France,a nation with a low power,low gear economy which possesses
little or next to none economic and agrarian knowledge,the present British government has
discovered that France has certain protected subsidies, which they simply refuse to give
up, in short, we're being shorted since France pays subsidies to farmers to grow certain
crops on tiny plots of land, making such tiny plots most admirably and attractively
profitable for very little work or actual produce.
With regards to the colony of Canada,a nation with no discernable economy what so ever,
it has been discovered that there the farmers there are actually being paid not to grow
produce, such as wheat, and then further paid to grow other produce in it's place.
What needs be done in Britain, is not to complain about this, but actually to apply
these systems to Britain and British farmers. Think of it, we could pay an old
granny in Picadilly Circus not to grow wheat, and to then pay her to grow an
asparagus or two in a planter making her a highly successful British farmer.
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel,
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
****************************************************
Here's yet another idea for the use of ships to solve Britain's problems, here the housing problems
(for the M.R.L. election campaign(the Japanese refer to it as an erection campaign,so do British politicians, but we in the MRL don't require Viagra to get erected, Horney Goat Weed will do nicely thank-you.............)
MRL Solving the Housing Crisis
Britain is in the midst of a great housing crisis. Indeed many young people
are emerging from schools in huge numbers to find they've no jobs, are on
the dole (a really prickly pineapple that), and have no suitable housing
available.There is a solution to all problems, indeed a new form of welfare
council condominium housing must be applied, one which even yet can easily
supply watersport exercise and entertainments to keep them amused coupled with
a cruise ship atmos to keep them all happy and contented. All that must
be done is that shipping containers be converted in to bachelor flats! Of course these
containers would be housed on suitable large shipping container ships. Imagine,
huge sea going apartment condominiums! Further there's the advantage of having
the unemployed safely out of sight, rather than wandering the streets in
immense numbers as they do in Sweden! Further reducing the costs to Her
Majesty,each ship would require but one council to run things, thus further
reducing costs!Why even for when the dole vacation time rolls around, the vessels
could depart to tour the Dardanelles! Ha you say...what of sanitation facilities? Well
they would have the most modern of conveniences, and most easily maintained as well,
they could simply go off over the side...all problems solved!!
A Jolly Good Show All Round!
Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
*******************************************************************************
Ever does the juggernaut of the M.R.L. campaign continue..................ever does the battle for the hearts and minds of the British people continue....................unbowed I continue with my major engineering and social policies which will change the face of Britain,improve the lives and lifestyle of the British people.......................all with an air of austerity and the environment in mind.
Now we must turn our attention to the ever rising costs of air travel, and the expense it entails, and major and ever increasing loss of time and convenience for the air traveling public....here a proposal which the Great H.G. Wells would've been proud of and written of had he the engineering acumen to have achieved this grand concept.
MRL On Air Travel Improvements
Air travel nowadays entails great expense in time, boarding the aircraft etc, and of course, in time on landing, debarking,collecting luggage, finally getting to ones actual destination etc. Immediately this plan will remove the problem of the landing and post landing rituals, and the inconvenience of not actually landing at the intended destination.
Expressly the great cargo door of the airliners will be utilized, or,failing that, the embarking debarking doors will just have to do.
The passengers will board the plane, with their luggage in hand(already we have dispensed with the great inconvenience of the airlines losing ones luggage of it arriving at another destination, unintended of course). The airliner will fly over and in vicinity of the intended destination. The passenger, with luggage in hand will then jump out of the airliner and deploy a paraglide chute. This will permit the passenger to land exactly at his intended destination,complete with luggage! The airliner will then return to its starting point having avoided landing fees, extended fuel costs etc etc etc. A general saving all round!
Huzzah!Huzzah!Huzzah! And will the Scottish bagpipers,French accordion players, and American harmonica players please cease with their....................................errr....................serenade of good wishes.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister Of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
**********************************************************************************
Aha! I have yet another project to benefit the people of Liverpool, and hence, also, therefor England of whom they are a part, if not the heart of. Whilst Liverpool had The Beatles, it seems this occurrence has increased interest in that city and hence the greater interest of my M.R.L. campaign, which is good for Liverpool, better for England. Yet again I have another engineering proposal which shall go forward on my successful election write-in campaign..........................
Liverpool.....The New Venice Of Britain.
Liverpool has a remnant of an interesting transportation system, one which has worked successfully on a grand scale in America, the elevated tram system. Now what is proposed is proposed in the light of modern times, one which will unquestionably please the greens and Britain and the City of Liverpool who is the recipient of this proposal. Of course, I shall run a foul of the electric works and oil companies whom will loose out but hope they will not throw a spanner in to the works of my campaign. What I [propose combines old and new technologies. It is proposed to extend the existing structures, safely above the levels of the streets where it will be out of the way of pedestrians and those who commute by other means. Now, the tub structure surrounding the tramway, the "roadway" as it were, will be filled with water, creating elevated canals throughout Liverpool, making it truly the Venice of England! Traveling those waterways, in similar fashion to the condolers of Venice, we will use rowboats as a form of water taxis. But wait! It gets only better. There will be no tax, no taxi meter,nay the public transit will be free and will truly not cost the British taxpayer anything at all. To row these fine British built rowboats, we will import numbers of French welfare cases. These will be employed to row said mentioned boats. Now employed, in the context of the French the term employed is a misnomer, since most are on welfare, the dole, and enjoy that condition. That condition shall be maintained,quite easily by seeing to it that France continues their dole whilst they row us round and about Liverpool, thus the British taxpayer will be spared any sundry expenses, the Frenchman won't actually be working, and Liverpool will be provided with a free form of public transit, which also will please the Green People. Further, as a form of further inducement for the Greens of Britain, the canals will be lined with lampposts for night service
(which will please the electric works), and we shall hang flower planters from each lamp post!
Generally a jolly good show all round!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
***************************************************************************
MRL Subway Plans For Liverpool
In keeping with election policies, intent on the M.R.L. winning the election, one must sweeten the pot, cuddle up to the electorate, woo the electorate and so we have an interesting project for the City of Liverpool,the addition of a subway. Interestingly it is proposed that we make use of the ancient system of tunnels, built by Joeseph Williamson beneath the streets of Liverpool in the 1800's,his legacy to the people of Liverpool will be fully realized.There, in the tunnels, we will make use of small tracks and electric trains such as are found at pier and fair grounds. They can, after all, do the job and are of convenient size and can easily have cars and engines manufactured in Britain itself, born out of entirely British technology! All will be combined to provide the City Of Liverpool with a modern up to date underground system!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
**************************************************************************
An MRL Reconnaissance In To The Future
The age of austerity has hit the British military, sadly, unable to afford even the unmanned recce craft the Americans use, allowed to slide in to such a delapidated condition that Britain is unable even yet to design and build such a craft. A cheap solution is,however at hand, combining older technology and the much newer technology as well. The military could buy up all the existent Circus Canons,used, and these could be transported as needed to trouble spots where recce is required. There the canon could be trucked up to a site suitably near the suspected front, a brave lad shot out of the canon in to the air in the same fashion the circus performers were, but with a modern addition that will transform him in to the most modern recce vehicle known to the British military, a para glide chute will deploy, making him agile and mobile, and he will carry aloft, a modern digital camera, 1 gigabyte memory of course(nothing but the best). Problem solved. Of course this all revolves on the M.R.L. being elected in the next election, but we wisely leave this up to those of the superior intellect who will vote M.R.L. this coming election.We can also revive the ancient idea of armed reconnaissance, balloons and blunderbuses.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
****************************************************************
MRL Technological Engineering Applications Applied For The Day........
Introducing the pedal power submarine
Unquestionably influenced heavily by Secret Squirrel's plans to modernize and upgrade Britain's Navy as the British government is set on reducing the Navy to almost nothing due to austerity, a group of enterprising British lads have come up with a cheap solution to the rapidly developing government generated crisis in the submarine secret service of Her Majesty's Royal Navy(the government probably not wishing Her to have one)..............so...........
A team of university boffins have designed Britain's first human-powered submarine. The 10ft-long vessel carries one "pilot" who pedals a contraption similar to an exercise bike, reaching speeds of more than three knots (3.5mph).
The 10ft-long vessel carries one "pilot" who pedals a contraption similar to an exercise bike
The SeaBomb, was designed and built by a team of final-year engineering undergraduates from Bath University as their degree project. Without a doubt this reaches back, with our backsides to the future, to the days of the Confederate Navy of the DisUnited States of America, and their crank powered submarine program.
We note the term sea bomb, and we note recent statements made by a certain British Air Force officer...........one Air Vice Marshall David (henceforth known also as KAMAKAZI) Walker.
Elite fliers were shocked into silence when a senior RAF chief said they should consider suicide missions as a last resort against terrorist targets.No doubt a government austerity measure to save shells,bombs, and helmets.
Air Vice Marshal David Walker put forward the attacks — like those flown by desperate Japanese pilots in World War Two — as a “worst case scenario” should they run out of ammo or their weapons failed. We do note a similarity in design of the submersible to the Japanese suicide one man torpedoes.But let me assure you whilst the MRL will apply this technology to upgrade Her Majesty's Royal Navy, we will most definitely not have a kamakazi corps.
Now we must apply this technological advancement properly, adding, perhaps, sling shot type aqua spear guns with a grenade attached for underwater attacks, and, when on the surface, the crewman can throw things at the enemy. Ever onwards with applied technology of the day,ever forwards, we Labour onwards, with our backsides to the future.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
Of course that certain time is upon us all, election time, and those of us out on the hustings have our policies to present.
Here is yet another of my policies presented for the people of Britain to consier, a policy, as are all of mine, aimed at improvement of the general situation of the British people, improving their quality of life and transport, and providing construction jobs as well for the British worker! Of course my campaign itself is frugal in nature, as will be my tenure in government, relying on the electorate to include myself on the ballot, as M.R.L.(where no other M.R.L. candidate is presented) as a selected write-in candidate! Consider please............................
MRL Transatlantic Cruise Submarine Railroads
One of the great problems of transatlantic crossing has been comfort, airplanes are decidedly uncomfortable, and cold in the crossing, and nowadays take so much time to board what with security issues etc raised by recent middle eastern events. Ships are much better, but, misfortunately they are excruciatingly slow,rather like being exciled for a bit.
However,things can be speeded up grandly and in comfortable fashion. All that we have to do, is construct on the ocean floor, a double tracked rail line,between Portsmouth and New York. We now convert some of Her Majesty's surplus and stored nuclear submarines to a comfortable cruise ship status. We then attach rail trucks to the submarine cruise vessels, and run them at nuclear submarine speed back and forth across the Atlantic!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
****************************************************************
here is one of my M.R.L. ideas to improve shipping, and improve the midlands economy by bringing in greater tourist dollars......................
MRL,Shaping Things Up, And Shipping Out
A great difficulty has been the fact there there just is no canal crossing England
in similar fashion to that running across Scotland.However all can be easily solved.
All that remains is for a project to be undertaken to construct a suitable twin tracked
railroad across England,from Liverpool, to the vicinity of Hull, on the other side.
Ha you say, railroads will never replace the ship. Of course, and you're quite right
as are Britain's great Naval Architects. Indeed what is here proposed, is that the ships,
will actually be pulled on to huge suitable flat cars at Liverpool and so transit across
England to again enter the water at Hull (vice versa for the return journey.).Such a
rail ship combination would be many times more efficient than the present Scottish canal
transit as the ships are limited there to 5 miles an hour, thus making the journey in
24 hours.Using the Liverpool Hull route, the ships could transit at rail speed,
as much as 60 miles per hour, making the trip in less than two hours. Of course
a standard ship transit between Liverpool and Hull would and does take 7 full days!
Indeed, what is even yet possible is that cruise ships could make use of the line,
with suitable rail siding docking facilities in some towns along the way, thus bringing
valuable cruise ship tourism to the heartland of Britain!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
***************************************************************
monster,raving,loony,party,agriculture,farms,farming,subsidies,ships,housing,houses,air,travel,floods, flooding,venice,subway,air,reconnaissance,recce,submarine,austerity
Ever does Secret Squirrel ponder socio-economic problems, ever does he wax pensive on matters of technology,the food supply,finances, defense and come up with the solutions required in the world of today!!
The MRL Dinner Gong Has Sounded.
It's time Britain move forward in the field of socio-economic agriculture. Certain other
"nations" have made great strides forwards and discoveries in this area. Regrettably,
Britain has lagged behind. However, visiting the colony of Canada, and the area of Europe
we call France I have made certain discoveries which must be applied to England.
With regards to France,a nation with a low power,low gear economy which possesses
little or next to none economic and agrarian knowledge,the present British government has
discovered that France has certain protected subsidies, which they simply refuse to give
up, in short, we're being shorted since France pays subsidies to farmers to grow certain
crops on tiny plots of land, making such tiny plots most admirably and attractively
profitable for very little work or actual produce.
With regards to the colony of Canada,a nation with no discernable economy what so ever,
it has been discovered that there the farmers there are actually being paid not to grow
produce, such as wheat, and then further paid to grow other produce in it's place.
What needs be done in Britain, is not to complain about this, but actually to apply
these systems to Britain and British farmers. Think of it, we could pay an old
granny in Picadilly Circus not to grow wheat, and to then pay her to grow an
asparagus or two in a planter making her a highly successful British farmer.
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel,
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
****************************************************
Here's yet another idea for the use of ships to solve Britain's problems, here the housing problems
(for the M.R.L. election campaign(the Japanese refer to it as an erection campaign,so do British politicians, but we in the MRL don't require Viagra to get erected, Horney Goat Weed will do nicely thank-you.............)
MRL Solving the Housing Crisis
Britain is in the midst of a great housing crisis. Indeed many young people
are emerging from schools in huge numbers to find they've no jobs, are on
the dole (a really prickly pineapple that), and have no suitable housing
available.There is a solution to all problems, indeed a new form of welfare
council condominium housing must be applied, one which even yet can easily
supply watersport exercise and entertainments to keep them amused coupled with
a cruise ship atmos to keep them all happy and contented. All that must
be done is that shipping containers be converted in to bachelor flats! Of course these
containers would be housed on suitable large shipping container ships. Imagine,
huge sea going apartment condominiums! Further there's the advantage of having
the unemployed safely out of sight, rather than wandering the streets in
immense numbers as they do in Sweden! Further reducing the costs to Her
Majesty,each ship would require but one council to run things, thus further
reducing costs!Why even for when the dole vacation time rolls around, the vessels
could depart to tour the Dardanelles! Ha you say...what of sanitation facilities? Well
they would have the most modern of conveniences, and most easily maintained as well,
they could simply go off over the side...all problems solved!!
A Jolly Good Show All Round!
Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Ever does the juggernaut of the M.R.L. campaign continue..................ever does the battle for the hearts and minds of the British people continue....................unbowed I continue with my major engineering and social policies which will change the face of Britain,improve the lives and lifestyle of the British people.......................all with an air of austerity and the environment in mind.
Now we must turn our attention to the ever rising costs of air travel, and the expense it entails, and major and ever increasing loss of time and convenience for the air traveling public....here a proposal which the Great H.G. Wells would've been proud of and written of had he the engineering acumen to have achieved this grand concept.
MRL On Air Travel Improvements
Air travel nowadays entails great expense in time, boarding the aircraft etc, and of course, in time on landing, debarking,collecting luggage, finally getting to ones actual destination etc. Immediately this plan will remove the problem of the landing and post landing rituals, and the inconvenience of not actually landing at the intended destination.
Expressly the great cargo door of the airliners will be utilized, or,failing that, the embarking debarking doors will just have to do.
The passengers will board the plane, with their luggage in hand(already we have dispensed with the great inconvenience of the airlines losing ones luggage of it arriving at another destination, unintended of course). The airliner will fly over and in vicinity of the intended destination. The passenger, with luggage in hand will then jump out of the airliner and deploy a paraglide chute. This will permit the passenger to land exactly at his intended destination,complete with luggage! The airliner will then return to its starting point having avoided landing fees, extended fuel costs etc etc etc. A general saving all round!
Huzzah!Huzzah!Huzzah! And will the Scottish bagpipers,French accordion players, and American harmonica players please cease with their....................................errr....................serenade of good wishes.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister Of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
**********************************************************************************
Aha! I have yet another project to benefit the people of Liverpool, and hence, also, therefor England of whom they are a part, if not the heart of. Whilst Liverpool had The Beatles, it seems this occurrence has increased interest in that city and hence the greater interest of my M.R.L. campaign, which is good for Liverpool, better for England. Yet again I have another engineering proposal which shall go forward on my successful election write-in campaign..........................
Liverpool.....The New Venice Of Britain.
Liverpool has a remnant of an interesting transportation system, one which has worked successfully on a grand scale in America, the elevated tram system. Now what is proposed is proposed in the light of modern times, one which will unquestionably please the greens and Britain and the City of Liverpool who is the recipient of this proposal. Of course, I shall run a foul of the electric works and oil companies whom will loose out but hope they will not throw a spanner in to the works of my campaign. What I [propose combines old and new technologies. It is proposed to extend the existing structures, safely above the levels of the streets where it will be out of the way of pedestrians and those who commute by other means. Now, the tub structure surrounding the tramway, the "roadway" as it were, will be filled with water, creating elevated canals throughout Liverpool, making it truly the Venice of England! Traveling those waterways, in similar fashion to the condolers of Venice, we will use rowboats as a form of water taxis. But wait! It gets only better. There will be no tax, no taxi meter,nay the public transit will be free and will truly not cost the British taxpayer anything at all. To row these fine British built rowboats, we will import numbers of French welfare cases. These will be employed to row said mentioned boats. Now employed, in the context of the French the term employed is a misnomer, since most are on welfare, the dole, and enjoy that condition. That condition shall be maintained,quite easily by seeing to it that France continues their dole whilst they row us round and about Liverpool, thus the British taxpayer will be spared any sundry expenses, the Frenchman won't actually be working, and Liverpool will be provided with a free form of public transit, which also will please the Green People. Further, as a form of further inducement for the Greens of Britain, the canals will be lined with lampposts for night service
(which will please the electric works), and we shall hang flower planters from each lamp post!
Generally a jolly good show all round!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
***************************************************************************
MRL Subway Plans For Liverpool
In keeping with election policies, intent on the M.R.L. winning the election, one must sweeten the pot, cuddle up to the electorate, woo the electorate and so we have an interesting project for the City of Liverpool,the addition of a subway. Interestingly it is proposed that we make use of the ancient system of tunnels, built by Joeseph Williamson beneath the streets of Liverpool in the 1800's,his legacy to the people of Liverpool will be fully realized.There, in the tunnels, we will make use of small tracks and electric trains such as are found at pier and fair grounds. They can, after all, do the job and are of convenient size and can easily have cars and engines manufactured in Britain itself, born out of entirely British technology! All will be combined to provide the City Of Liverpool with a modern up to date underground system!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
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An MRL Reconnaissance In To The Future
The age of austerity has hit the British military, sadly, unable to afford even the unmanned recce craft the Americans use, allowed to slide in to such a delapidated condition that Britain is unable even yet to design and build such a craft. A cheap solution is,however at hand, combining older technology and the much newer technology as well. The military could buy up all the existent Circus Canons,used, and these could be transported as needed to trouble spots where recce is required. There the canon could be trucked up to a site suitably near the suspected front, a brave lad shot out of the canon in to the air in the same fashion the circus performers were, but with a modern addition that will transform him in to the most modern recce vehicle known to the British military, a para glide chute will deploy, making him agile and mobile, and he will carry aloft, a modern digital camera, 1 gigabyte memory of course(nothing but the best). Problem solved. Of course this all revolves on the M.R.L. being elected in the next election, but we wisely leave this up to those of the superior intellect who will vote M.R.L. this coming election.We can also revive the ancient idea of armed reconnaissance, balloons and blunderbuses.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
****************************************************************
MRL Technological Engineering Applications Applied For The Day........
Introducing the pedal power submarine
Unquestionably influenced heavily by Secret Squirrel's plans to modernize and upgrade Britain's Navy as the British government is set on reducing the Navy to almost nothing due to austerity, a group of enterprising British lads have come up with a cheap solution to the rapidly developing government generated crisis in the submarine secret service of Her Majesty's Royal Navy(the government probably not wishing Her to have one)..............so...........
A team of university boffins have designed Britain's first human-powered submarine. The 10ft-long vessel carries one "pilot" who pedals a contraption similar to an exercise bike, reaching speeds of more than three knots (3.5mph).
The 10ft-long vessel carries one "pilot" who pedals a contraption similar to an exercise bike
The SeaBomb, was designed and built by a team of final-year engineering undergraduates from Bath University as their degree project. Without a doubt this reaches back, with our backsides to the future, to the days of the Confederate Navy of the DisUnited States of America, and their crank powered submarine program.
We note the term sea bomb, and we note recent statements made by a certain British Air Force officer...........one Air Vice Marshall David (henceforth known also as KAMAKAZI) Walker.
Elite fliers were shocked into silence when a senior RAF chief said they should consider suicide missions as a last resort against terrorist targets.No doubt a government austerity measure to save shells,bombs, and helmets.
Air Vice Marshal David Walker put forward the attacks — like those flown by desperate Japanese pilots in World War Two — as a “worst case scenario” should they run out of ammo or their weapons failed. We do note a similarity in design of the submersible to the Japanese suicide one man torpedoes.But let me assure you whilst the MRL will apply this technology to upgrade Her Majesty's Royal Navy, we will most definitely not have a kamakazi corps.
Now we must apply this technological advancement properly, adding, perhaps, sling shot type aqua spear guns with a grenade attached for underwater attacks, and, when on the surface, the crewman can throw things at the enemy. Ever onwards with applied technology of the day,ever forwards, we Labour onwards, with our backsides to the future.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
Of course that certain time is upon us all, election time, and those of us out on the hustings have our policies to present.
Here is yet another of my policies presented for the people of Britain to consier, a policy, as are all of mine, aimed at improvement of the general situation of the British people, improving their quality of life and transport, and providing construction jobs as well for the British worker! Of course my campaign itself is frugal in nature, as will be my tenure in government, relying on the electorate to include myself on the ballot, as M.R.L.(where no other M.R.L. candidate is presented) as a selected write-in candidate! Consider please............................
MRL Transatlantic Cruise Submarine Railroads
One of the great problems of transatlantic crossing has been comfort, airplanes are decidedly uncomfortable, and cold in the crossing, and nowadays take so much time to board what with security issues etc raised by recent middle eastern events. Ships are much better, but, misfortunately they are excruciatingly slow,rather like being exciled for a bit.
However,things can be speeded up grandly and in comfortable fashion. All that we have to do, is construct on the ocean floor, a double tracked rail line,between Portsmouth and New York. We now convert some of Her Majesty's surplus and stored nuclear submarines to a comfortable cruise ship status. We then attach rail trucks to the submarine cruise vessels, and run them at nuclear submarine speed back and forth across the Atlantic!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
****************************************************************
here is one of my M.R.L. ideas to improve shipping, and improve the midlands economy by bringing in greater tourist dollars......................
MRL,Shaping Things Up, And Shipping Out
A great difficulty has been the fact there there just is no canal crossing England
in similar fashion to that running across Scotland.However all can be easily solved.
All that remains is for a project to be undertaken to construct a suitable twin tracked
railroad across England,from Liverpool, to the vicinity of Hull, on the other side.
Ha you say, railroads will never replace the ship. Of course, and you're quite right
as are Britain's great Naval Architects. Indeed what is here proposed, is that the ships,
will actually be pulled on to huge suitable flat cars at Liverpool and so transit across
England to again enter the water at Hull (vice versa for the return journey.).Such a
rail ship combination would be many times more efficient than the present Scottish canal
transit as the ships are limited there to 5 miles an hour, thus making the journey in
24 hours.Using the Liverpool Hull route, the ships could transit at rail speed,
as much as 60 miles per hour, making the trip in less than two hours. Of course
a standard ship transit between Liverpool and Hull would and does take 7 full days!
Indeed, what is even yet possible is that cruise ships could make use of the line,
with suitable rail siding docking facilities in some towns along the way, thus bringing
valuable cruise ship tourism to the heartland of Britain!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
***************************************************************
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Secret Squirrel,Ever Onwards To Improve The World
Keywords:
intelligent,weapons,war,habakkuk,aircraft,carrier,ice,olympics,rings,ships,cement,transportation,floods,canals,bridge,wall,garbage,disposal,farming
Secret Squirrel, of the MRL,Monster Raving Loony Party, his hopes,his dreams,his plans,his engineering designs,his plans for the national defense,plans in the food and farming sector,his financial plans for the good and the betterment of the people of England, Britain, and the World.....what's good for secret Squirrel is good for you, and everything he plans is good for you.......he has good intentions, remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
M.R.L. Manned Intelligent Weapons Delivery System
In view of recent austerity measures taken with respect to the armed forces, I have turned my attention to attempting to alleviate the problem somewhat. Here we see a development of my manned intelligent weapons delivery system. What we do is utilize the intelligence, of man, in this case,the airman, Basically he's suspended by a detachable harness to the wing ordinance pylon, in short, he's the actual delivery system...........much cheaper than missile development.
The Japanese were the first developing an intelligent guidance system for aircraft bombs,however, theirs were of the expendable variety, the so called Kamakazi,who were expended along with the bomb delivery vehicle.It was known as a Baka bomb system,as well, which is Japanese for Idiot Bomb,which they had to be to take such a job. Their system failed basically in the delivery,many times, basically due to the lack of intelligence for those who signed up for that particular job,and also in the fact that their intelligent airman expired when so employed.This was and is considered to be highly detrimental in future recruitment.
Ours is an offshoot of the first system,however, no harm actually comes to the airman,which no doubt will please British airmen, and also increase recruitment. In our system, the British airman is re-loadable and reusable.Note the extreme flexibility this system offers, along with the abilities to intelligently direct and deliver fire towards the enemy with a multitude of weapons available to be used. Here the airman is shown holding a simple automatic pistol,such as one sees used to such great effect in U.S. schools. Of course said stated automatic pistol could be replaced by an automatic rifle, or say fully automatic machine gun. The system could also use and carry and drop grenades intelligently on target,properly aimed. Further flexibility is available through the airman equipped use of an R.P.G. type of weapon.
Of course what with recent remarks made by Air Vice Marshall "Kamakazi" Walker,obviously deeply influenced by the Japanese Kamakazi Corps, has mentioned the possibility of suicide missions being flown against Taliban or other terror groups,by our present British air forces. He's obviously also seen the ridiculous unintelligent side of intelligent bombs and delivery systems etc, but has gone a touch Baka suggesting that the airman should intelligently guide the bombs to the target, and then see to it,personally,that the bomb etc crashes in to it's target,dashing themselves to pieces. One assumes that should government not be in our hands, and our system developed,that the Air Vice Marshall might order the weapons carrier airman also dropped on an enemy target,misfortunately. Of course, as the system development experiments continue and the system takes form to a fully operational working intelligent weapons system, one hopes that by then the M.R.L. would have achieved government, and so too, no doubt does our weapons system itself.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
MRL Revives The Secretly Abandoned Project Habakkuk
Project Habakkuk
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Habakkuk
Project Habakkuk or Habbakuk (spelling varies; see below) was a plan by the British in World War II to construct an aircraft carrier out of pykrete (a mixture of wood pulp and ice), for use against German U-boats in the mid-Atlantic, which was out of range of land-based planes.
And .......................
http://www.royalnavalmuseum.org/info_sheets_Habbakkuk.htm
The Habbakuk Project
HABBAKUK: GEOFFREY PYKE'S ICEBERG AIRCRAFT CARRIER
In 1942, the Allied forces were losing a considerable amount of merchant shipping in the Atlantic Ocean, due to German submarine forces and the lack of adequate air cover in the mid-Atlantic. The range of operating aircraft was not sufficient to cover this area and aircraft carriers were in short supply to allow for shorter range flying. Plans for an Allied invasion of Europe were also underway and it was felt that large floating platforms were needed to assist the assault forces. The Second World War was also a time when many scientists were encouraged to develop weapon technology and other military equipment to assist the war effort. Many projects that were developed were successful, such as the bouncing bomb by Barnes Wallis, midget submarines, mulberry harbours and the Pipe Line Under The Ocean (PLUTO) project. Others were not so successful and some were even incredible.
And so onwards, backwards......................
We in the MRL have seen the deterioration in numbers of Britain's Navy, particularly the miniaturization of the carrier fleets to those of midget ships amongst the giants of the seas,said to be an act of austerity, lacks of funds, or simply because who really wants a ship built by the french(there are limits to what we can ask our sailors to serve on)....we, however, have a solution to this problem
A Project Hubbakuk
Misfortunately, nowadays, Her Majesty's Royal Navy is falling on hard times,
budgets and things, but basicly polite for bankrupt,even yet ghost broke
as even the great Naval ancestors shake their heads and walk away from it all.
However, there is a solution to the crisis, specificly the crisis of being
unable to afford aircraft carriers.The answer is hidden in the records of
Whitehall, secret documents hidden from sight of a project planned to be
undertaken, that of the Project Hubbakuk. Indeed this secret project
involved taking a large arctic ice flow, placing on it refrigeration equipment
to maintain it's integrity, and propulsion equipment to steer it about.
This ice flow was to be used as a floating airfield for Their Majesty's aircraft!
One recalls Hitler having a great fear of the project, most notably telling Churchill
each time Churchill met with him to complain about the goings on in Europe,
"Don't make a big Hubbakuk." All that remains is for the project to be pulled from
the limbo of the hidden war document filing cabinets and undertaken.
Make a great hubbakuk.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..................................................
An Olympian Task For Britain.
From the Olympic Charter
Art. 12: Olympic Symbol
1 The Olympic symbol consists of the five Olympic rings used alone, in one or in several colours.
2 The five colours of the rings are mandatorily blue, yellow, black, green and red. The rings are interlaced from left to right. The blue, black and red rings are situated at the top, the yellow and green rings at the bottom. The
whole approximately forms a regular trapezium, the shorter of the parallel sides forming the base, according to the official design deposited at the IOC headquarters and (reproduced) below.
3 The Olympic symbol represents the union of the five continents and the meeting of athletes from throughout the world at the Olympic Games.
I propose to engineer an Olympic Movement in Britain to have Britain declared as a continent, and so have it's own Olympic Ring, the missing Sixth Ring.Presently all Britain is considered to be In-Continent.
It is to be pointed out, that North and South America are considered separate, and continents, yet they are joined, merely severed by the man-made Panama Canal...does this really count then as separate,yet they have a ring each.
Similarly, Africa is not separate from Europe-Asia except by the man-made Suez Canal, which hardly counts, and so three rings represent what really should merely be one.Europe and Asia are not separate at all,but entirely joined, and also as before, joined with Africa as well.
Australia is there large and looming, and entirely by itself and so legitimately has it's own ring.
But all things considered, has Britain not been shunned? Should Britain not have it's own legitimate Olympic Ring.
Logic dictates so. Definitely what with the next Olympics being in Britain, and Britain bearing the ever increasing huge Olympian cost,Britain should get something in return. Britons must take up the cause and petition for our own Olympic Ring! We are a continent, a separate Island continent. Indeed we must cease this intolerant and intolerable Olympic In-Continence which Britain suffers from.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
..............................................................
Floating Ideas
In 1917 and 1918 British builders constructed barges, tugs and fishing boats using concrete. The Americans were more ambitious, commissioning a fleet of 12 ocean-going concrete freighters costing 50 million dollars.
The concrete ships that were built followed the design of steel ships of that era, but required much thicker hulls to get the same amount of strength that the steel gave. A newly-developed form of concrete that included portland cement was used because it was relatively light (Only 120 pounds per cubic foot). Even so, the ships were much heavier than steel ships. The ship builders also found that concrete was much more difficult to manipulate than steel, making the ships more difficult to construct. The oldest known ferro-cement ship was a dingy built by Joseph Louis Lambot in Southern France in the year 1848. The boat was featured in the 1855 World's Fair held in France. An Italian engineer, Carlo Gabellini, built barges and small ships out of ferro-cement in the 1890s.1910s saw the building of several ferro-cement ships in UK. One of these ships, the Violette, was built in 1917 and is currently used as a boating clubhouse on the River Medway in England. This makes her the oldest ferro-cement ship still
afloat.On August 2, 1917, N.K. Fougner of Norway launched the first ocean-going ferro-cement ship, an 84-foot long boat named Namsenfjord. With the success of the ship, several more small ferro-cement vessels were built.World War II led to shortages in steel supply. In 1942, the U.S. government contracted McCloskey & Company of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to construct a new fleet of 24 cement ships. Construction of the fleet started in July, 1943 in Tampa, Florida. Innovations in cement mixing and composition technology made these ships stronger than the World War I efforts.
Other companies were contracted to build barge ships. These too were large vessels that lacked engines to propel them. Instead, they were used for storage and towed around by other ships.
Some of them were used to transport troops back from Europe at the end of the first World War.
Well now, here's a concrete idea, Britain has lost it's shipyards to the high costs of construction of ships, requiring welders,riveter etc etc etc, and high unit costs of steels and their manufacture. Britain could once again reestablish itself as a world leading shipbuilder, a true model of a shipbuilding mold in the world. Yes, reinstate an already sound, tried and true method of building ships,out of concrete! A truly concrete idea which the M.R.L. must encourage be resurrected!!
There is yet another idea, which was said to have been tried, and had varying success, vessels,particularly in this instance, aircraft carriers, made out of pykrete.
Pykrete is a composite material made of approximately 14% sawdust (or, less frequently, wood pulp) and 86% ice by
weight, invented by Max Perutz and proposed during World War II by Geoffrey Pyke to the Royal Navy as a candidate material for making a huge, unsinkable aircraft carrier, Project Habbakuk, actually more of a floating island than a
ship in the traditional sense. Pykrete has some interesting properties, notably its relatively slow melting rate (due to low thermal conductivity), and its vastly improved strength and toughness over pure ice, actually closer to
concrete. Pykrete is slightly harder to form than concrete, as it expands while freezing, but can be repaired and maintained from the sea's most abundant raw material.However, I have delved further in to this and have discovered
that tests on the material have actually revealed a 50% longer lifespan than ordinary ice, and one which can further be enhanced by suitable refrigeration equipments. Indeed the vessel constructions could easily be funded out of the
many political slush funds which abound nowadays.However there is substantial possibilities of crews catching colds easily,getting rheumatism, hemarroids from sitting on the ice too long etc etc etc, and so in a sound engineering
decision I am favoring further research in the matter, but going with the sure concrete proposal.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
*****************************************************
M.R.L. Birmingham Transportation Modernization
The city of Birmingham has been selected for transportation upgrade
and modernization. Clearly the city is ideal for such a futuristic
project, being the juncture of not one, but several canals.
Indeed what is proposed is an engineering project which will solve
all of the problem encountered here in modern times, problems such
as highly annoying massive transportation gridlock encountered in
city centers. Also it will solve the problem of those who own
vehicle in the first place, eliminating the high cost of gasoline
in the all together,and pleasing the Greens in that we shall
eliminate ninety nine percent of pollution problems involving
vehicles. What is proposed in bringing Birmingham in to the future,
we shall follow the wisdoms of those of the Southeast asian
countries and the City Of Venice, we shall eliminate the roadways
within the city, just the roadways, and replace them with shallow
canals all throughout! Of course the canals will have at corners
walkways crossing the canal allowing for walking and bicycling.
One may also use the roadway canals for transportation of goods
and services by application of punts,rowboats, and small barges.
Indeed this will eliminate all traffic problems involving vehicles,
eliminate their pollutions, and also will solve the problem
of dependence on foreign fuels. Imagine, we can also take things
further with more canals eventually linking all of these new
canal cities!What fear I the high cost of vehicles and gasolines!
Nay what's necessary for today's politicians is a jolly good
paddling!!!!!!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
**************************************************************
For Whom The Bridge Tolls
A group of American and (to our shame)British engineers have studied the feasibility of
building a bridge (A structure that allows people or vehicles to cross an obstacle such as a
river or canal or railway etc.)to span the straits of Gibralter. Such a bridge would be of a
combination suspension-truss design and would dwarf any existing bridge in height (over 3000
feet) and length (15 km). Of course the depth of the strait reaches 300m.
Now why not then build a bridge spanning the English Channel at Dover, which would be much,much
easier, the channel at Dover being a maximum of 180feet, or 55m deep, and the width being
18 miles, or 30km. True the bridge would be longer, but the depth of the required support
pillars would be much,much less.What could also be done,is construct the bridge relatively
low to the water and at a central portion construct a lift bridge portion. Now since most of
the shipping traffic in the channel, except that going directly across, is of a most foul and
foreign nature, we propose that said lift bridge portion would only be raised to allow
a ship to pass, should the ship pay a toll. The idea is perfectly sound and a grand way of
revenue, for example we have toll roads in England(Europeans aren't required to pay tolls on
their roads they not needing the income and inconvenience,this would level the economic
playing field), also the Suez Canal generates revenues for the Arabs, and the Panama Canal
generates revenues for the Central Americans. Indeed Britain already has toll bridges
so the Europeans would just have to equally accept our toll bridge.
Now, it has been suggested that drunken French captains, and drunken German captains, might,
in their rage, ram the bridge in an effort to put and end to it.Well we can take this in to
account and can deal with those efforts as well. Indeed, Britain built in the colony of
Canada, the Canso Causeway, linking an insignificant island to mainland Canada colony,
and it is 1,305m long, and has a depth of 65m. So we are dealing with much shorter length,
and much less depth. Our causeway would be constructed of rock fill and so be impervious to
the drunken rage attacks of irate foreign vessels. Of course, in the center, we would
have our Lift Bridge, and, of course, tool booth. The captains would have to row over to the
booth, pay the toll, and then the bridge would be lifted and they would be allowed to pass.
All that remains is for government to take up this great revenue generating cause and so
benefit the people of Britain with a toll levied not on them, but on the foreigners.
As an added plus, we might just include a roadway, or perhaps a railway line as well
to allow goods and tourists to pass between Britain and Europe, paying again a suitable
toll as well, as they are already forced to do when taking the Chunnel, or riding a
ferry(no comment here) across at the present time. Of course, we in the M.R.L., could
exempt Britons from having to pay a toll, so thus it would be for the foreigners for whom
the bridge tolls.
Secret Squirrel
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
****************************************************************************
The Great Wall Of Garbage
Whilst touring America, I visited Mannanos(Algonquin for Place of Intoxification),
eventually renamed Manhattan, and suitably imbibing refreshments of the same name in
keeping with the custom of the place, we came to discussing America's massive present
problem which it cannot control properly(one of many it seems), namely that of the
inability to keep thousands upon thousands, hundreds of thousands, and quite probably
millions, of illegal immigrants from swarming across America's undefended,indefensible and
unguarded borders(strangely the Canadian ones they simply send back..........perhaps
they're imbeciles or something). In either case, the illegal immigrants are regarded as
undesirables, undesirable aliens or some such, by most Americans and there is a desire to
keep them out(at least that much).Pondering that perhaps the American government wishes to
keep them out as well, I have formulated an idea which will help both Britain and America.
Indeed Britain will solve an ever increasing problem which will not go away, and will make
a handsome profit as well, whilst at the same time we will help the Americans guard their
borders better and make their illegal immigrant problem go away.
What I proposed is that we,in Britain, will take our garbage, and compact it in to neat
blocks.We will then form a government company such that the people of Britain all profit,
and the company will then employ, in America, at cheap rate as the Americans do, the illegal
Mexican immigrants. At the same time the Americans will supply them with such medicare
and social services as they already receive so that this will cost the company nothing.
In either case we will then employ them in the task of piling the blocks, deep and high,
such that the American border is the sealed off by The Great Wall Of Garbage, and so the
illegal immigrant problem will be dealt with,and Britain's great garbage problem will also be dealt with. Should we run out of garbage in the course of the project, we can simply
offer to take Europe's garbage away for free and employ that.This project has the poetic
justice of the illegal immigrants helping keep out illegal immigrants, and at the same time
supplying extremely cheap labor, and adding to America's employment figures,and, we in Britain, will get rid of all of our garbage, selling it to...the Americans.
However, at times the American government does object to some employing these illegal
immigrants in America, especially in such a sensitive project, and should it object to itself
employing them we can simply alter our strategy and go with a simpler and even yet cheaper
one.
No matter with neat garbage blocks, we will simply dump the garbage along the border,
in ever increasing piles, and use cheap,paid for, U.S. Army soldiers to work bulldozers,
to see to it that the job is done correctly and to the satisfaction of the U.S. government,
to build a huge mountain range of garbage all along the border. This is the far cheaper
alternative and I suggest we go with this project.Again if we run out, we can offer to
take Europe's garbage away for free and sell it to the Americans.And politically, it can and could be said, that we could now get the Americans to take garbage from us!!!!!!!!
A jolly good engineering show all round.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minster of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
*******************************************************************
M.R.L. Farming Policy
Once again, out here on the hustings, it is time to expound my highly superior farming policy,
one which will without a doubt please our farmers, presently in a farming crisis of having to work so very hard
for so very little recompense, in the efforts of the British government to feed the French cheaply. Rather
I propose a method by which our farmers will work very little, if at all, and receive grand
recompense and live the good and proper farming life as was meant to be. Now ever onwards with
my policy....................
and do kindly remember me at election time, and suitably enter me as your write-in election selection,
in any and all constituancies wherein there is no M.R.L. candidate......................
One of the problems facing Britain today, is the crisis in farming, farmers feeling they're just not
getting enough profit for the hard work they put in to growing produce,
whilst others make massive profits and live the high life of not working etc. off of them.
Food,vegetables etc., cost to grow, costs time and effort in planting, costs for machinery to prepare the
field, to plant, to maintain, to cultivate,costs for the necessary farm machinery and maintaining such
machinery. Top it all off, the vast majority of the produce is sold to the Europeans, by the government,
and there sold to their people there, cheaply. Well traveling here in the colony of Canada,aptly named
so as the Germans refer to this location as being a hinter land. Here, in the area known as Quebec,
(translated from the French as "What A Beak"), I have discovered the secret to farming techniques which
require very little effort from the farmers.
Indeed I was intrigued when I heard that a Registered Head Nurse,
had given up her career as a nurse, for the evidently much more lucrative occupation of farming, in short
she became what they call a fermier.But why? Why ever would she do that? So I journeyed out to the farmlands,
to visit her...............err........study farming techniques. Well longer story short, It seems that there, there's profit in it,if you're a fermier all round.
Yes! There's actually great profit in it. Indeed farming in the Quebec area of that colony, and quite probably
thence all over the colony as there must be equality in policy all round there even yet though it is a third world area.
All that it really requires to farm profitably there is a farm,an area of the usual size, but there the farming
techniques diverge from those of Britain.
Indeed, the farm requires only a few heaps of what seem to be abandoned equipments of various
questionable nature, rusted and so for, dilapidated, which are called farm machinery, but which in Britain pass
for a machine on the scrap heap due to be hauled off. Said fermier merely sits on the land,squats as it were , in the farm house,
much as do squatters, but lives very much better, high on the hog(of which we never see any). On the farm itself,
there is much scrub to say the least, and grass of various heights, and there they grow............errr...............sit.....
the crops, the REAL crops..............................rocks.
Yes! Rocks! They farm rocks! For being possessed of said farm, the fermiers are paid by the
government,much as living off of the dole, there, or here, but certainly getting far more such doled out to them
than there, and here for that matter, and all requiring no effort at all in the actual necessity of farming,
rocks, or otherwise, as they'll take care of themselves. Indeed there's yet more, fermiers have the ability
to increase their comfortable dole levels, by participating in certain government projects, that of NOT growing
certain things. For example, they can be paid NOT to grow wheat, or for that matter other crops. So their
land is divided in to certain fields, those not growing wheat,those not growing asparagus etc, and all the
while they can still cultivate the rocks, getting the currency for NOT growing certain crops as an added
extra. Of course, such a farm requires NO maintenance, no machinery costs of any kind(merely requires the
scrap heap with wheels in it). Now there's the solution to our farmers problems, merely adopting the farming
practice so very common to that very foreign colony!And so too, now, as shown by the fermier, our new applied
foreign farming techniques will turn farming in to a Jolly Good Show!!!!!
Carry On Farming!
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel.
M.R.L. Monetary Policies
*********************************************************************
M.R.L. Food,Produce and Meat Pricing Policies.
Of course, in my campaign, by write in vote, in any constituency wherein
is lacking an M.R.L. candidate, continues ever onwards in an effort to
bring the British people to their senses, and bring them to a better government,
and M.R.L. government, the only government which makes sense.
I would, of course, appreciate your vote.
Indeed I do consider myself much more suitable as a candidate as opposed
to my rather laggardly opponents.Take note of my many engineering proposals
as already presented to you, take note of their technologically advanced natures, taking in to
account both modern and ancient technology, combining the best of both worlds
past and present, to build a better future for the British people.
I have presented those to you, I have presented my social policies as well,
and now, as my opponents have sneered and stated I've not policies which
will reduce costs of such, commonly regarded(by them) as common commodities,
commodities such as foods. Here I sneer back, and expose their
unsuitable policies which have led to a system by which the British people pay
far too much for their own produce, for their own meats.Whereas THEY have no
solution to the problem, I most certainly do, this problem can easily be rectified,
and so, if elected..................
Regard now the dismally high prices we are paying for our fine British produce
in groceries, for our fine British meats, in meat stores, and we gaze across the Channel
and see the French paying far,far less, and indeed for our own exported British produce
and meats,produce and meats exported by our government, provided to the French people
at far less cost than supplied to the British people, British groceries et cetera.
There is a cure for this.
Take note that the French Franc is by far of less
value than the British pound. Take note now of the price of said exported produce in
France, valued at the level of the French Franc, even against the value,converted, of the
Euro. Now, having had a kidney stone, I became interested in the study of the
Euro, Eurology as it were. I noticed the value of the British pound against the Euro,
we get more Euros for the British pound than do the French,since our currency is better,
expressly, frankly speaking, we get more Francs to the frenchman.
So what we do, that is we in government,should we get there is Use our British pound to buy Euros which are dropping against the pound, having first
sold the produce to the French, what we then do, is buy the produce back from the French at the
vastly reduced French Franc/Euro prices, and then supply that to the British groceries and meat
stores at equated reduced prices, which they in turn can now supply to the British people at
vastly reduced prices!A grand saving all round for the British people!!
Savings all round, inexpensive food for all!! And..........................have the Frenchmen pay for it.
Huzzah!Huzzah!Huzzah!
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
********************************************************************
intelligent,weapons,war,habakkuk,aircraft,carrier,ice,olympics,rings,ships,cement,transportation,floods,canals,bridge,wall,garbage,disposal,farming
Secret Squirrel, of the MRL,Monster Raving Loony Party, his hopes,his dreams,his plans,his engineering designs,his plans for the national defense,plans in the food and farming sector,his financial plans for the good and the betterment of the people of England, Britain, and the World.....what's good for secret Squirrel is good for you, and everything he plans is good for you.......he has good intentions, remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
M.R.L. Manned Intelligent Weapons Delivery System
In view of recent austerity measures taken with respect to the armed forces, I have turned my attention to attempting to alleviate the problem somewhat. Here we see a development of my manned intelligent weapons delivery system. What we do is utilize the intelligence, of man, in this case,the airman, Basically he's suspended by a detachable harness to the wing ordinance pylon, in short, he's the actual delivery system...........much cheaper than missile development.
The Japanese were the first developing an intelligent guidance system for aircraft bombs,however, theirs were of the expendable variety, the so called Kamakazi,who were expended along with the bomb delivery vehicle.It was known as a Baka bomb system,as well, which is Japanese for Idiot Bomb,which they had to be to take such a job. Their system failed basically in the delivery,many times, basically due to the lack of intelligence for those who signed up for that particular job,and also in the fact that their intelligent airman expired when so employed.This was and is considered to be highly detrimental in future recruitment.
Ours is an offshoot of the first system,however, no harm actually comes to the airman,which no doubt will please British airmen, and also increase recruitment. In our system, the British airman is re-loadable and reusable.Note the extreme flexibility this system offers, along with the abilities to intelligently direct and deliver fire towards the enemy with a multitude of weapons available to be used. Here the airman is shown holding a simple automatic pistol,such as one sees used to such great effect in U.S. schools. Of course said stated automatic pistol could be replaced by an automatic rifle, or say fully automatic machine gun. The system could also use and carry and drop grenades intelligently on target,properly aimed. Further flexibility is available through the airman equipped use of an R.P.G. type of weapon.
Of course what with recent remarks made by Air Vice Marshall "Kamakazi" Walker,obviously deeply influenced by the Japanese Kamakazi Corps, has mentioned the possibility of suicide missions being flown against Taliban or other terror groups,by our present British air forces. He's obviously also seen the ridiculous unintelligent side of intelligent bombs and delivery systems etc, but has gone a touch Baka suggesting that the airman should intelligently guide the bombs to the target, and then see to it,personally,that the bomb etc crashes in to it's target,dashing themselves to pieces. One assumes that should government not be in our hands, and our system developed,that the Air Vice Marshall might order the weapons carrier airman also dropped on an enemy target,misfortunately. Of course, as the system development experiments continue and the system takes form to a fully operational working intelligent weapons system, one hopes that by then the M.R.L. would have achieved government, and so too, no doubt does our weapons system itself.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
MRL Revives The Secretly Abandoned Project Habakkuk
Project Habakkuk
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Habakkuk
Project Habakkuk or Habbakuk (spelling varies; see below) was a plan by the British in World War II to construct an aircraft carrier out of pykrete (a mixture of wood pulp and ice), for use against German U-boats in the mid-Atlantic, which was out of range of land-based planes.
And .......................
http://www.royalnavalmuseum.org/info_sheets_Habbakkuk.htm
The Habbakuk Project
HABBAKUK: GEOFFREY PYKE'S ICEBERG AIRCRAFT CARRIER
In 1942, the Allied forces were losing a considerable amount of merchant shipping in the Atlantic Ocean, due to German submarine forces and the lack of adequate air cover in the mid-Atlantic. The range of operating aircraft was not sufficient to cover this area and aircraft carriers were in short supply to allow for shorter range flying. Plans for an Allied invasion of Europe were also underway and it was felt that large floating platforms were needed to assist the assault forces. The Second World War was also a time when many scientists were encouraged to develop weapon technology and other military equipment to assist the war effort. Many projects that were developed were successful, such as the bouncing bomb by Barnes Wallis, midget submarines, mulberry harbours and the Pipe Line Under The Ocean (PLUTO) project. Others were not so successful and some were even incredible.
And so onwards, backwards......................
We in the MRL have seen the deterioration in numbers of Britain's Navy, particularly the miniaturization of the carrier fleets to those of midget ships amongst the giants of the seas,said to be an act of austerity, lacks of funds, or simply because who really wants a ship built by the french(there are limits to what we can ask our sailors to serve on)....we, however, have a solution to this problem
A Project Hubbakuk
Misfortunately, nowadays, Her Majesty's Royal Navy is falling on hard times,
budgets and things, but basicly polite for bankrupt,even yet ghost broke
as even the great Naval ancestors shake their heads and walk away from it all.
However, there is a solution to the crisis, specificly the crisis of being
unable to afford aircraft carriers.The answer is hidden in the records of
Whitehall, secret documents hidden from sight of a project planned to be
undertaken, that of the Project Hubbakuk. Indeed this secret project
involved taking a large arctic ice flow, placing on it refrigeration equipment
to maintain it's integrity, and propulsion equipment to steer it about.
This ice flow was to be used as a floating airfield for Their Majesty's aircraft!
One recalls Hitler having a great fear of the project, most notably telling Churchill
each time Churchill met with him to complain about the goings on in Europe,
"Don't make a big Hubbakuk." All that remains is for the project to be pulled from
the limbo of the hidden war document filing cabinets and undertaken.
Make a great hubbakuk.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..................................................
An Olympian Task For Britain.
From the Olympic Charter
Art. 12: Olympic Symbol
1 The Olympic symbol consists of the five Olympic rings used alone, in one or in several colours.
2 The five colours of the rings are mandatorily blue, yellow, black, green and red. The rings are interlaced from left to right. The blue, black and red rings are situated at the top, the yellow and green rings at the bottom. The
whole approximately forms a regular trapezium, the shorter of the parallel sides forming the base, according to the official design deposited at the IOC headquarters and (reproduced) below.
3 The Olympic symbol represents the union of the five continents and the meeting of athletes from throughout the world at the Olympic Games.
I propose to engineer an Olympic Movement in Britain to have Britain declared as a continent, and so have it's own Olympic Ring, the missing Sixth Ring.Presently all Britain is considered to be In-Continent.
It is to be pointed out, that North and South America are considered separate, and continents, yet they are joined, merely severed by the man-made Panama Canal...does this really count then as separate,yet they have a ring each.
Similarly, Africa is not separate from Europe-Asia except by the man-made Suez Canal, which hardly counts, and so three rings represent what really should merely be one.Europe and Asia are not separate at all,but entirely joined, and also as before, joined with Africa as well.
Australia is there large and looming, and entirely by itself and so legitimately has it's own ring.
But all things considered, has Britain not been shunned? Should Britain not have it's own legitimate Olympic Ring.
Logic dictates so. Definitely what with the next Olympics being in Britain, and Britain bearing the ever increasing huge Olympian cost,Britain should get something in return. Britons must take up the cause and petition for our own Olympic Ring! We are a continent, a separate Island continent. Indeed we must cease this intolerant and intolerable Olympic In-Continence which Britain suffers from.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
..............................................................
Floating Ideas
In 1917 and 1918 British builders constructed barges, tugs and fishing boats using concrete. The Americans were more ambitious, commissioning a fleet of 12 ocean-going concrete freighters costing 50 million dollars.
The concrete ships that were built followed the design of steel ships of that era, but required much thicker hulls to get the same amount of strength that the steel gave. A newly-developed form of concrete that included portland cement was used because it was relatively light (Only 120 pounds per cubic foot). Even so, the ships were much heavier than steel ships. The ship builders also found that concrete was much more difficult to manipulate than steel, making the ships more difficult to construct. The oldest known ferro-cement ship was a dingy built by Joseph Louis Lambot in Southern France in the year 1848. The boat was featured in the 1855 World's Fair held in France. An Italian engineer, Carlo Gabellini, built barges and small ships out of ferro-cement in the 1890s.1910s saw the building of several ferro-cement ships in UK. One of these ships, the Violette, was built in 1917 and is currently used as a boating clubhouse on the River Medway in England. This makes her the oldest ferro-cement ship still
afloat.On August 2, 1917, N.K. Fougner of Norway launched the first ocean-going ferro-cement ship, an 84-foot long boat named Namsenfjord. With the success of the ship, several more small ferro-cement vessels were built.World War II led to shortages in steel supply. In 1942, the U.S. government contracted McCloskey & Company of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to construct a new fleet of 24 cement ships. Construction of the fleet started in July, 1943 in Tampa, Florida. Innovations in cement mixing and composition technology made these ships stronger than the World War I efforts.
Other companies were contracted to build barge ships. These too were large vessels that lacked engines to propel them. Instead, they were used for storage and towed around by other ships.
Some of them were used to transport troops back from Europe at the end of the first World War.
Well now, here's a concrete idea, Britain has lost it's shipyards to the high costs of construction of ships, requiring welders,riveter etc etc etc, and high unit costs of steels and their manufacture. Britain could once again reestablish itself as a world leading shipbuilder, a true model of a shipbuilding mold in the world. Yes, reinstate an already sound, tried and true method of building ships,out of concrete! A truly concrete idea which the M.R.L. must encourage be resurrected!!
There is yet another idea, which was said to have been tried, and had varying success, vessels,particularly in this instance, aircraft carriers, made out of pykrete.
Pykrete is a composite material made of approximately 14% sawdust (or, less frequently, wood pulp) and 86% ice by
weight, invented by Max Perutz and proposed during World War II by Geoffrey Pyke to the Royal Navy as a candidate material for making a huge, unsinkable aircraft carrier, Project Habbakuk, actually more of a floating island than a
ship in the traditional sense. Pykrete has some interesting properties, notably its relatively slow melting rate (due to low thermal conductivity), and its vastly improved strength and toughness over pure ice, actually closer to
concrete. Pykrete is slightly harder to form than concrete, as it expands while freezing, but can be repaired and maintained from the sea's most abundant raw material.However, I have delved further in to this and have discovered
that tests on the material have actually revealed a 50% longer lifespan than ordinary ice, and one which can further be enhanced by suitable refrigeration equipments. Indeed the vessel constructions could easily be funded out of the
many political slush funds which abound nowadays.However there is substantial possibilities of crews catching colds easily,getting rheumatism, hemarroids from sitting on the ice too long etc etc etc, and so in a sound engineering
decision I am favoring further research in the matter, but going with the sure concrete proposal.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
*****************************************************
M.R.L. Birmingham Transportation Modernization
The city of Birmingham has been selected for transportation upgrade
and modernization. Clearly the city is ideal for such a futuristic
project, being the juncture of not one, but several canals.
Indeed what is proposed is an engineering project which will solve
all of the problem encountered here in modern times, problems such
as highly annoying massive transportation gridlock encountered in
city centers. Also it will solve the problem of those who own
vehicle in the first place, eliminating the high cost of gasoline
in the all together,and pleasing the Greens in that we shall
eliminate ninety nine percent of pollution problems involving
vehicles. What is proposed in bringing Birmingham in to the future,
we shall follow the wisdoms of those of the Southeast asian
countries and the City Of Venice, we shall eliminate the roadways
within the city, just the roadways, and replace them with shallow
canals all throughout! Of course the canals will have at corners
walkways crossing the canal allowing for walking and bicycling.
One may also use the roadway canals for transportation of goods
and services by application of punts,rowboats, and small barges.
Indeed this will eliminate all traffic problems involving vehicles,
eliminate their pollutions, and also will solve the problem
of dependence on foreign fuels. Imagine, we can also take things
further with more canals eventually linking all of these new
canal cities!What fear I the high cost of vehicles and gasolines!
Nay what's necessary for today's politicians is a jolly good
paddling!!!!!!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
**************************************************************
For Whom The Bridge Tolls
A group of American and (to our shame)British engineers have studied the feasibility of
building a bridge (A structure that allows people or vehicles to cross an obstacle such as a
river or canal or railway etc.)to span the straits of Gibralter. Such a bridge would be of a
combination suspension-truss design and would dwarf any existing bridge in height (over 3000
feet) and length (15 km). Of course the depth of the strait reaches 300m.
Now why not then build a bridge spanning the English Channel at Dover, which would be much,much
easier, the channel at Dover being a maximum of 180feet, or 55m deep, and the width being
18 miles, or 30km. True the bridge would be longer, but the depth of the required support
pillars would be much,much less.What could also be done,is construct the bridge relatively
low to the water and at a central portion construct a lift bridge portion. Now since most of
the shipping traffic in the channel, except that going directly across, is of a most foul and
foreign nature, we propose that said lift bridge portion would only be raised to allow
a ship to pass, should the ship pay a toll. The idea is perfectly sound and a grand way of
revenue, for example we have toll roads in England(Europeans aren't required to pay tolls on
their roads they not needing the income and inconvenience,this would level the economic
playing field), also the Suez Canal generates revenues for the Arabs, and the Panama Canal
generates revenues for the Central Americans. Indeed Britain already has toll bridges
so the Europeans would just have to equally accept our toll bridge.
Now, it has been suggested that drunken French captains, and drunken German captains, might,
in their rage, ram the bridge in an effort to put and end to it.Well we can take this in to
account and can deal with those efforts as well. Indeed, Britain built in the colony of
Canada, the Canso Causeway, linking an insignificant island to mainland Canada colony,
and it is 1,305m long, and has a depth of 65m. So we are dealing with much shorter length,
and much less depth. Our causeway would be constructed of rock fill and so be impervious to
the drunken rage attacks of irate foreign vessels. Of course, in the center, we would
have our Lift Bridge, and, of course, tool booth. The captains would have to row over to the
booth, pay the toll, and then the bridge would be lifted and they would be allowed to pass.
All that remains is for government to take up this great revenue generating cause and so
benefit the people of Britain with a toll levied not on them, but on the foreigners.
As an added plus, we might just include a roadway, or perhaps a railway line as well
to allow goods and tourists to pass between Britain and Europe, paying again a suitable
toll as well, as they are already forced to do when taking the Chunnel, or riding a
ferry(no comment here) across at the present time. Of course, we in the M.R.L., could
exempt Britons from having to pay a toll, so thus it would be for the foreigners for whom
the bridge tolls.
Secret Squirrel
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
****************************************************************************
The Great Wall Of Garbage
Whilst touring America, I visited Mannanos(Algonquin for Place of Intoxification),
eventually renamed Manhattan, and suitably imbibing refreshments of the same name in
keeping with the custom of the place, we came to discussing America's massive present
problem which it cannot control properly(one of many it seems), namely that of the
inability to keep thousands upon thousands, hundreds of thousands, and quite probably
millions, of illegal immigrants from swarming across America's undefended,indefensible and
unguarded borders(strangely the Canadian ones they simply send back..........perhaps
they're imbeciles or something). In either case, the illegal immigrants are regarded as
undesirables, undesirable aliens or some such, by most Americans and there is a desire to
keep them out(at least that much).Pondering that perhaps the American government wishes to
keep them out as well, I have formulated an idea which will help both Britain and America.
Indeed Britain will solve an ever increasing problem which will not go away, and will make
a handsome profit as well, whilst at the same time we will help the Americans guard their
borders better and make their illegal immigrant problem go away.
What I proposed is that we,in Britain, will take our garbage, and compact it in to neat
blocks.We will then form a government company such that the people of Britain all profit,
and the company will then employ, in America, at cheap rate as the Americans do, the illegal
Mexican immigrants. At the same time the Americans will supply them with such medicare
and social services as they already receive so that this will cost the company nothing.
In either case we will then employ them in the task of piling the blocks, deep and high,
such that the American border is the sealed off by The Great Wall Of Garbage, and so the
illegal immigrant problem will be dealt with,and Britain's great garbage problem will also be dealt with. Should we run out of garbage in the course of the project, we can simply
offer to take Europe's garbage away for free and employ that.This project has the poetic
justice of the illegal immigrants helping keep out illegal immigrants, and at the same time
supplying extremely cheap labor, and adding to America's employment figures,and, we in Britain, will get rid of all of our garbage, selling it to...the Americans.
However, at times the American government does object to some employing these illegal
immigrants in America, especially in such a sensitive project, and should it object to itself
employing them we can simply alter our strategy and go with a simpler and even yet cheaper
one.
No matter with neat garbage blocks, we will simply dump the garbage along the border,
in ever increasing piles, and use cheap,paid for, U.S. Army soldiers to work bulldozers,
to see to it that the job is done correctly and to the satisfaction of the U.S. government,
to build a huge mountain range of garbage all along the border. This is the far cheaper
alternative and I suggest we go with this project.Again if we run out, we can offer to
take Europe's garbage away for free and sell it to the Americans.And politically, it can and could be said, that we could now get the Americans to take garbage from us!!!!!!!!
A jolly good engineering show all round.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minster of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
*******************************************************************
M.R.L. Farming Policy
Once again, out here on the hustings, it is time to expound my highly superior farming policy,
one which will without a doubt please our farmers, presently in a farming crisis of having to work so very hard
for so very little recompense, in the efforts of the British government to feed the French cheaply. Rather
I propose a method by which our farmers will work very little, if at all, and receive grand
recompense and live the good and proper farming life as was meant to be. Now ever onwards with
my policy....................
and do kindly remember me at election time, and suitably enter me as your write-in election selection,
in any and all constituancies wherein there is no M.R.L. candidate......................
One of the problems facing Britain today, is the crisis in farming, farmers feeling they're just not
getting enough profit for the hard work they put in to growing produce,
whilst others make massive profits and live the high life of not working etc. off of them.
Food,vegetables etc., cost to grow, costs time and effort in planting, costs for machinery to prepare the
field, to plant, to maintain, to cultivate,costs for the necessary farm machinery and maintaining such
machinery. Top it all off, the vast majority of the produce is sold to the Europeans, by the government,
and there sold to their people there, cheaply. Well traveling here in the colony of Canada,aptly named
so as the Germans refer to this location as being a hinter land. Here, in the area known as Quebec,
(translated from the French as "What A Beak"), I have discovered the secret to farming techniques which
require very little effort from the farmers.
Indeed I was intrigued when I heard that a Registered Head Nurse,
had given up her career as a nurse, for the evidently much more lucrative occupation of farming, in short
she became what they call a fermier.But why? Why ever would she do that? So I journeyed out to the farmlands,
to visit her...............err........study farming techniques. Well longer story short, It seems that there, there's profit in it,if you're a fermier all round.
Yes! There's actually great profit in it. Indeed farming in the Quebec area of that colony, and quite probably
thence all over the colony as there must be equality in policy all round there even yet though it is a third world area.
All that it really requires to farm profitably there is a farm,an area of the usual size, but there the farming
techniques diverge from those of Britain.
Indeed, the farm requires only a few heaps of what seem to be abandoned equipments of various
questionable nature, rusted and so for, dilapidated, which are called farm machinery, but which in Britain pass
for a machine on the scrap heap due to be hauled off. Said fermier merely sits on the land,squats as it were , in the farm house,
much as do squatters, but lives very much better, high on the hog(of which we never see any). On the farm itself,
there is much scrub to say the least, and grass of various heights, and there they grow............errr...............sit.....
the crops, the REAL crops..............................rocks.
Yes! Rocks! They farm rocks! For being possessed of said farm, the fermiers are paid by the
government,much as living off of the dole, there, or here, but certainly getting far more such doled out to them
than there, and here for that matter, and all requiring no effort at all in the actual necessity of farming,
rocks, or otherwise, as they'll take care of themselves. Indeed there's yet more, fermiers have the ability
to increase their comfortable dole levels, by participating in certain government projects, that of NOT growing
certain things. For example, they can be paid NOT to grow wheat, or for that matter other crops. So their
land is divided in to certain fields, those not growing wheat,those not growing asparagus etc, and all the
while they can still cultivate the rocks, getting the currency for NOT growing certain crops as an added
extra. Of course, such a farm requires NO maintenance, no machinery costs of any kind(merely requires the
scrap heap with wheels in it). Now there's the solution to our farmers problems, merely adopting the farming
practice so very common to that very foreign colony!And so too, now, as shown by the fermier, our new applied
foreign farming techniques will turn farming in to a Jolly Good Show!!!!!
Carry On Farming!
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel.
M.R.L. Monetary Policies
*********************************************************************
M.R.L. Food,Produce and Meat Pricing Policies.
Of course, in my campaign, by write in vote, in any constituency wherein
is lacking an M.R.L. candidate, continues ever onwards in an effort to
bring the British people to their senses, and bring them to a better government,
and M.R.L. government, the only government which makes sense.
I would, of course, appreciate your vote.
Indeed I do consider myself much more suitable as a candidate as opposed
to my rather laggardly opponents.Take note of my many engineering proposals
as already presented to you, take note of their technologically advanced natures, taking in to
account both modern and ancient technology, combining the best of both worlds
past and present, to build a better future for the British people.
I have presented those to you, I have presented my social policies as well,
and now, as my opponents have sneered and stated I've not policies which
will reduce costs of such, commonly regarded(by them) as common commodities,
commodities such as foods. Here I sneer back, and expose their
unsuitable policies which have led to a system by which the British people pay
far too much for their own produce, for their own meats.Whereas THEY have no
solution to the problem, I most certainly do, this problem can easily be rectified,
and so, if elected..................
Regard now the dismally high prices we are paying for our fine British produce
in groceries, for our fine British meats, in meat stores, and we gaze across the Channel
and see the French paying far,far less, and indeed for our own exported British produce
and meats,produce and meats exported by our government, provided to the French people
at far less cost than supplied to the British people, British groceries et cetera.
There is a cure for this.
Take note that the French Franc is by far of less
value than the British pound. Take note now of the price of said exported produce in
France, valued at the level of the French Franc, even against the value,converted, of the
Euro. Now, having had a kidney stone, I became interested in the study of the
Euro, Eurology as it were. I noticed the value of the British pound against the Euro,
we get more Euros for the British pound than do the French,since our currency is better,
expressly, frankly speaking, we get more Francs to the frenchman.
So what we do, that is we in government,should we get there is Use our British pound to buy Euros which are dropping against the pound, having first
sold the produce to the French, what we then do, is buy the produce back from the French at the
vastly reduced French Franc/Euro prices, and then supply that to the British groceries and meat
stores at equated reduced prices, which they in turn can now supply to the British people at
vastly reduced prices!A grand saving all round for the British people!!
Savings all round, inexpensive food for all!! And..........................have the Frenchmen pay for it.
Huzzah!Huzzah!Huzzah!
M.R.L.
Secret Squirrel
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
********************************************************************
Monday, March 1, 2010
Secret Squirrel,Empire Building Politician,Here For You
Secret Squirrel has gotten hold of a secret IRA and government taped and converted transcript of Tony Blair Number 10 Downing Street communications between Blair and the I.R.A.Discover the truth behind......behind.................behind............Tony Blair placing Britain's backside to the future...............surrender is ever the option........stolen by the French Dezzium(Deuxieme,2nd) Bureau.........further stolen and leaked from the diaper of the American C.I.A............and finally delivered by the local Kosher bagel man,who was an Centro Nacional de Inteligencia intelligence man in disguise as Moussad.
Tony Blair, The British Labour Prime Minister, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Blair!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that Gerry Adams, our I.R.A. political propagandist,has told me to tell you that we are finally officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Blair replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight! All genuine,not political arm, I.R.A."
Blair paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Blair asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mother Murphy's farm tractor."
Blair sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke,I've even put the Royal Princes all in there."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four I.R.A. boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Blair was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes still left in my Air Force. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Blair! I am sorry to inform you that we have added 3 American tourists to Ireland and 4 sailors who frequent Davy Byrne's Pub in Dublin, and we have 4 rubber dinghys, and 6 war surplused 'and grenades, an we knows 'ow to use'em."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Blair. "You know I just reduced my Navy to lower than that of the Canadian Navy. I guess I'll just have to quietly, and secretly, not to be mentioned publicly you know, surrender to the demands of you and the I.R.A.So, what are your terms"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners, so we'll accept your surrender, under these terms,
One: Gerry Adams gets put in to your Government along with other I.R.A. representatives.
Two:We get full power sharing in Northern Ireland.
Three: You resign from Government.
Four: you become a converted Catholic."
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
The MRL,Secret Squirrel, Labour's Definition of Heaven...........
Labour's Britain is like Heaven
In Labour's Britain we live in HEAVEN.
We HEAVEN got petrol,
We HEAVEN got work,
We HEAVEN got a cure for aids,
We HEAVEN got educated kids
We HEAVEN got electricity,
We HEAVEN got Gas
We HEAVEN got out of Iraq
We HEAVEN got morality
We HEAVEN got Law & Order and
We HEAVEN got a bright future."
Secret Squirrel.
...............................................................
Secret Squirrel On The State Of The European Union............
Secret Squirrel comments on the state of the European Union.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN BRITISH VERSION
The Euro Englishman works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Euro Frenchman thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the
winter, the shivering Euro Frenchman calls a press conference and demands
to know why the Euro Englishman should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
The American CNN shows up to provide pictures of the shivering Euro Frenchman
next to the Euro Englishman in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Americans are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be
that, in a Europe of such wealth, this poor Euro Frenchman is allowed
to suffer so?
Then a representative of European Civil Liberties
shows up on The National and charges the Euro Englishman with French bias,
and makes the case that the Euro Frenchman is the victim of 1000 years
of anti-French behaviour. Nicolas Sarkozy appears on CNN with the
Euro Frenchman, and everybody cries when he stands on a milk case and sings "Frere Jacques".
Gordon Brown makes a special guest appearance on the American CNN
with Larry King on "Larry King Live", and forced to explain the
difference tells a concerned American public he will do everything he can
do everything for the Euro Frenchman who has been denied the prosperity
they claim the Euro Frenchman deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Major/Thatcher summers.
British Finance Minister ,Alistair Darling exclaims in an interview that in his judgement the
Euro Englishman has gotten rich off the back of the Euro Frenchman,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Euro Englishman to make
him pay his "fair share.",increasing existing toll road and
bridge tolls and adding more road and bridge tolls to pay for it all.
Finally, Labor drafts the "Economic Equity and Pro-Euro French
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The Euro Englishman is fined
for failing to hire a proportionate number of Frenchman in his
businesses and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
The Lord Adonis,Lord Justice of Appeal,decides to himself represent the Euro Frenchman in
the Brussels Court,in a defamation suit against the Euro Englishman,
and the case is tried before a panel of Euro hearing officers that Nicolas Sarkozy
himself appointed from a list of single-parent Paris
welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The Euro Englishman loses the case.
The story ends as we see the Euro Frenchman finishing up the last bits
of the Euro Englishman's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the Euro Englishman's old house, crumbles around him
since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The Euro Englishman has disappeared in the snow.
And on the tele, which the Euro Frenchman bought by selling most of the
Euro Englishman's food, they are showing Gordon Brown standing before a
wildly applauding group of loyal Labour Party members announcing that a
new era of "European Fairness" has dawned in Britain.
Secret Squirrel.
.............................................................................
The New Labour New Election Logo
Secret Squirrel has discovered that the Labour Party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom believing it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects the pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed.
Secret Squirrel.
................................................................
Secret Squirrel has seen to it that with the impending annexation of Texas,and the re-acquisition of Canada by Britain,that we have rules ready for such a time.
What with the rise of the Texas separatists who have declared the annexation of Texas by the United States of America to be invalid, and so wish to succeed.................and Chuck Norris wishing to be,when and if and should that occur, it's new President, I feel then that time time is right for Britain to annex Texas as it should and would have had not the United States intervened with it's illegal annexation of Texas, so in preparation for the annexation and acquisition of Texas, adding it legally,properly, and rightly so to the British Empire......err..........Britain.........and so too also proceeding with my plan to declare the Confederation of Canada invalid, and so reacquiring the former and now once again colony of Canada we can proceed in preparation for the planned target year acquisition 2020, a year when Texans and Canadians will clearly see.................
The congratulatory speech on England Reacquiring the Colony of Canada, and Annexing the Newly Independent Republic of Texas, should all go well.
To the citizens of the Newly Independent Separated Former State of Texas,henceforth known as Texashire and the Newly Reacquired Former Colony,of Canada,Un-confederated, Now A Colony Once More, Of The Place They Ridiculously Call Canada( Spanish for Here There Is Nothing).
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
Prime Ministers in Canada, and the fact that your army has been given the year off for a rest as the generals wish, and the fact that we have a huge army of ridiculous bagpipers whose infernal horrendous cater wailing piping drives all before them, we are invading Canada for our own good to reacquire the colony, so thus we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately, and formerly absorb Canada which can in no way shape nor form defend itself or anybody in particular for that matter.
As to the place known as The Republic Of Texas, having reacquired your independence from America, as you did in the past from Mexico, and so were annexed immediately on said acquisition by America, so now being in a similar state,brought upon by the rebels and revolutionaries such as Chuck Norris and his cronies, and so having acquired said independence again, we, in Britain, are annexing The Republic Of Texas, and so renaming Texas, Texashire.
Now as to governance.............
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, or better yet the M.R.L. government which planned all this in secret sessions of Secret Squirrel's group of enlightened drunken friends down in the local pub, will appoint a Governor for Texashire, and one for Canada as well without the need for further elections. The Texas Legislature will be disbanded, and Shire government formed. Canada will have it's Parliament declared null,void, and pointless,a redundancy to be sure, and replaced with a government formed out of the drunks of the Ottawa Highlander Pub, who in their state of confused drunkenness can undoubtably rule much better than the present Canadian government.
A questionnaire may be circulated in the year (2012),these events all planned for the year 2011, to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'.Also the former French Fries you once called Freedom Fries, and the again called French Fries will now be known as either chips, or Dumbarse Fries as you prefer.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as Independence Day,being replaced by Guy Fawkes Day,November 5th.July 1st will no longer be celebrated as Canada Day, being replaced by Lord Sutch Day, November 12th.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
----------------------
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.This will be the official item of defense of the person.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. Texashire will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.Also, a return to the English system of weights and measures is necessary,which means local meat sellers may now legally place their thumbs on the scale.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.What was known as American Football, will now be referred to as Really Sissy Boy Rugby.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
17. And as a special consideration to the newly acquired former State Of Texas,wel shall now remove Chuck Norris from it's government in favor of somebody else who hasn't had the Fu Kunged once too many times.
18. The State Song of the Former Republic of Texas, Texas Our Texas, will be replaced by the here included, Let It All Hang Out............learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
(Spoken)
A preachment, dear friend
You are about to receive on John Barleycorn
Nicotine and the temptations of Eve
(Bronx Cheer salute)
(Sung)
No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razors broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I dont care, let it all hang out
Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what its all about
It's too much, man, let it all hang out
Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out
Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out
It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
19. The former Canadian national anthem is to be replaced by..
They're Coming To Take Me Away,Ha-Haaa!
So that the people may remember their state of mind driven so by years of inept,ignorant,ridiculous,incompetent, and idiotic self-rule.........
learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
20) Once again, for the welfare of the British economy,it being necessary to actually finance the area colony known as Canada, and the rest of the empire, Canadians in the colony will once again be given jobs working in the mines,forests, and on the farms providing the necessary sustinence and life blood of a massive and prosperous economy that which is Britain and the Empire.........whilst doing this,since there have been changes since the last empire, Britain will return things somewhat to the state that they were in those prosperous days of Empire, the Canadians so employed will have to wear blackface, bowing to the traditions of the day and the job of keeping the empire prosperous.
21) The border of Texashire WILL be protected from Mexican invasions, we will work a deal with the Americans,assimilating them in to our Empire's economy as a service area,we will allow us to sell to us, in fair trade Florida's alligators to the Rio Grande border of Texashire with Mexico, to serve as the new Border Patrol, one that has some real teeth in dealing with illegal wetback immigration.Should the Americans be unreasonable we can further import crocs from the former colony of Australia or the colonies of Afrique.
God save the Queen.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..............................................
M.R.L. Solves Britain's Prison Problems.
Secret Squirrel has seen that there are severe problems in England what with prison overcrowding, and a general lack of prisons, arising from the extreme high cost of construction of such facilities, and maintenance of same in terms of prison staff etc. In the 60's arose a system of construction, prefab, which was used to construct several buildings, including the then considered ultra modern Habitat 67 at the Man and His World exhibition in the colony of Canada during the World's Fair of that year. Interesting, boxes piled one atop the other, sticking out here and there etc.and interesting piece of engineering.
This engineering principle was carried forwards to ships in the form of cargo containers, and can be stacked say 14,000 to a vessel, each container cell being say 20x8x8 in terms of feet, interestingly, the size of a prison cell, particularly those of the Americans in Guantanamo Bay. The idea presents itself. Now a prison at sea is a grand idea, utilizing containers,stacked, , expandable to the max limit, say 7 such ships could accommodate the entire prison population of Britain! However, these ships consume say 1660 gallons (imperial), of fuel an hour...........not worth the cost to send'em on a sea cruise is it?
But the idea has presented itself, a prison island, indeed yes, imagine an island in the Indian Ocean, not requiring heating costs,and not worth it, the air conditioning costs, merely a form of bed and breakfast,lunch,dinner...........a gigantic container ship type island, stacked with prison cells, as converted cargo containers, ever expandable..........look at Diego Garcia, an island almost abandoned, it could easily become the prison for Britain, indeed the name, Diego Garcia,Her Majesty's Prison For The Extremely Naughty, comes to mind.
Look at what is there now a large airbase with several long range runways constructed, as well as a harbor suitable for large naval vessels so delivery of prisoners and containers to house new arrivals is a thing of utter ease.
As a territory of the United Kingdom, the head of state is Queen Elizabeth II. There is no Governor appointed to represent the Queen on the territory, as there are no native inhabitants. Thus the island itself is ideal, as an island, indeed, the lesser prisoners could act as guards and prison staff, making them useful to the full, reducing the costs of maintenance grandly, just requiring prison ship patrols about the island to prevent shall we say, prisoners attempting to break in to the island to enjoy it's lush location and tropical accommodation. Problem solved. Failing this we'll just follow the example of the Cuban and Haitian boat people heading off to America, we'll simply boat'em all towards the Australian coast, point the ship towards Australia, and so toss the lot of'em off.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
--------------------------------------------------------
MRL On The Reason To Encourage The Consumption of Beef.
There are many factors involved in this global warming,climate change issue of the day.........There are strange factors involved, such as cockroaches. Insect flatulence may account for one-fifth of all the methane emissions on this planet. (Termites are also prodigious farters; indeed, dogs trained to sniff out termites and roaches are actually following their farts.)
Cockroaches,particularly the Canadian variety as the study showed(of course, they may have meant their politicians, there is some confusion on the matter here) are among the biggest contributors to global warming, since they break wind every fifteen minutes. Furthermore, they continue to release methane gas for eighteen hours after they die. In a global scale, insect flatulence is estimated to account for 20% of all methane emissions. This puts the cockroach as one of the biggest contributors to Global Warming. However, here a BBC study has shown a very major contributer........
And here commences the Epistle From The BBC.......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/newsnight/2007/02/meet_daisy_the_cow_global_climates_enemy_number_on.html
Meet Daisy the cow global climate’s enemy number one.
When I started to investigate the impact of food on the environment a month ago I thought I would find myself fretting over food miles. In fact transport is a tiny component of agriculture’s worldwide contribution to greenhouse gas emissions.
No, the main culprit is out there in the fields, chewing her cud. It turns out that livestock predominantly cattle are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 per cent of the total, to be precise.
That’s right, almost a fifth of all emissions which is more greenhouse gas emissions than all the transport on earth planes, trains, cars, skidoos the lot.
You’ll be wondering how I reach that staggering conclusion. Indeed, regular readers of this blog may be worried that my decision forgo flesh and become a vegan during January has fostered an irrational hatred of animals.
Not so. The research implicating Daisy and her bovine brothers and sisters in global warming is very well sourced. A good start is Livestock’s Long Shadow, a report by the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization.
So why is the meat we eat so polluting?
Well, first of all we need to get a sense of scale. Seventy per cent of all agricultural land is used to raise animals that’s a third of the land surface of the entire planet. What’s more, over a third of all cereal production goes to feed those animals.
The UN report estimates that 160 million tonnes of carbon dioxide are associated with the fossil fuels emitted by this vast global industry that’s roughly a third of the UK’s total CO2 emissions. The figure includes transporting meat and dairy products across the globe, as well as the carbon dioxide emitted on the farm, in processing and in manufacture of nitrogen fertilizer, which is used to raise crops for feed for animals.
Add in the carbon from deforestation and land degradation and the figure is far, far higher. Most deforested land is used for pasture and the UN reckons the carbon released in the process takes the carbon cost of livestock up to the equivalent of 2.7 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide. That’s around seven per cent of all the greenhouse gases emitted by man.
That is a lot of global warming gas but still way short of that eighteen per cent figure. That’s because carbon dioxide isn’t the only global warming gas that animals are responsible for which is where Daisy comes in.
Ruminant animals like cows and sheep produce a lot of methane as they digest their food. And methane is a powerful greenhouse gas twenty three times as powerful as carbon dioxide, in fact.
There are reckoned to be around one and a half billion head of cattle on the planet and one point seven billion sheep. They, together with the more modest emissions of other farm animals, produce 37 per cent of global methane emissions which adds up to the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
We’re still not at a fifth of global emissions though. To get there you have to factor in the effects of another global warming gas - nitrous oxide. It is way more potent than even methane with 296 times the global warming power of carbon dioxide. Sixty five per cent of human related emissions of nitrous oxide are from the nitrogen in animal manure. That accounts for the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide.
Add the effects of the three gases associated with farming animals and you get total emissions equivalent to 7.1 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
And so here Ends The Epistle From The BBC...........
And so goes this report from the BBC...............stating quite flatly that cows are responsible for 1/4 of the carbon dioxide emissions................a blatant indicment of Daisy, the cow. Clearly at such high levels, Daisy, the Cow, representative of all cows, and cows...merit.........death. In short what needs be done is we must not turn vegan, this would merely leave more cows, producing yet more cows, and so increasing the number of cows, not reducing them, so we must eat more cows, eat more cow products..............burgies must be increased to doubles in the least,better yet triple and quadruple burgers, with singles being banned, we must consume steaks,beef roasts pot or Wellington,and so reduce the numbers of cows and so reduce the carbon dioxide and methane emission and so save earth. Of course we are ourselves also to blame, man,or woman, producing (EACH)1/2 litre of fart gas per day, a rather high figure in the methane category considering the vast level of population in the world,being 6,692,030,277,( a ratio of cows/sheep at 3-1, sheep and cow each a ration of 6-1,per person)which makes, scientificly 1,673,007,568 litres per day of human farts.Indeed recall that the consumption of veggies by the carnivore man, and that exclusively by veggans, influences, especially that by veggans who produce far more than the average 14/litre fart,but actually 1/2, indeed veggans must be banned, and retrained,re-educated, deprogrammed from veggies, to join humankind in the reduction of the beef herds by eating beef.Of course mankind's prolific production of farts, from points of view of reduction of same, is nothing to turn cannibal over,and of course one cannot expect anyone to make the supreme sacrifice(as did Heath Ledger)and commit suicide,we should content oursleves to consuming cows,consuming more cows,
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
The MRL's Secret Squirrel's Public Service Announcement Concerning the Problem and Behaviour of the Foul,And Most Foreign,Mime.
Secret Squirrel has considered the problem of something that was near and dear to Princess Diana,the problem of the dreaded land mime,a problem most feared and hated.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
"How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways..."
Maybe, Maybe Not by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways.
I hate mimes to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I hate mimes to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I hate mimes freely, as men strive for Right;
I hate mimes purely, as they turn from Praise.
I hate mimes with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I hate mimes with a hate I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I hate mimes with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but hate mimes better after they're all dead.
From the original,as rediscovered,perhaps on parchment,but not by James Cameron so there is probably major truth in this being the original,Browning herself may not be dead as James Cameron has not claimed to have discovered her empty grave as yet,rumored to have the words,JESUS.I'm Dead! scrawled on it as the other boxes he's found have.
What is MIME ? - Up until recently MIME was considered a theatrical art form in which an "actor" portrays a character and/or narration using no speech, sounds or props; just body movement and gestures. However, several months ago very important scientists at a very important laboratory discovered that the MIME condition, or Mnemonically Inadequate Mental Entropy, is actually an insidious form of insanity, annoying millions of non mimes each year.
Luckily those same very important scientists have formed the MIME Insanity Research Institute as the world's first best hope to combat the MIME condition.
Our scientists have discovered three separate causes for this affliction.
* The annoyance gene - Approximately 60% of all mimes are afflicted by this anomalous gene. It causes those that have it to believe that they are actually respected and loved by all those who hate them. They will never understand how annoying they are as all abuse and rejection is perceived as admiration and acceptance by these sad creatures.
* The perception retrovirus - Around 32% of mimes do not even realize that they are not interacting with the real world. These poor fools believe everything that they do is real, and that they are contributing to the real world and society at large. This mime is usually, but not always, easily identified by the tendency to become repeatedly trapped in invisible boxes.
* Social Conditioning - The remaining 8% of mimes have been taught through social conditioning to become mimes, never realizing that they are satirizing a serious mental illness. Some colleges and other institutes of higher learning even teach classes in MIME. This sad practice must be halted and these people turned back into productive members of society.
Luckily police were able to stop this type II mime before he was able to do any real damage with his invisible ax.
This particular mime was about to attack a group of invisible passerby's when sharp eyed police noticed and took prompt action, shooting him dead at the scene.
This, and other tragedies like it could have been avoided. Had only this mime's friends had committed him to the Institute at the earliest signs of Mimeness. Over two thousand people a day perform some kind of silent gesture. It's like a loaded gun.
Facts, Myths & Rumours: Mimes
A MIME smoking a cigar caused the Hindenberg disaster.
The Spanish Inquisition was started by a MIME.
The Beatles almost admitted to being bigger than MIMES.
Sometimes MIMES wear trench coats & carry swords.
Richard Nixon almost named his dog after a MIME.
Seven of the twelve apostles were MIMES.
Ru Paul blames MIMES as one of his/her biggest influences.
Mimes wear underpants.
Pig Latin was started by Mimes to fool the Nazis.
All the dance choreography for "The Brady Bunch" episodes were directed by Marcel Marceau.
Mimes love bad children.
Englebert Humperdink's father was a mime.
Mimes invented the Abacus.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
The MRL And The Dreaded Land Mime
We in the MRL must make a commitment to be honor bound to glorify the name of Princess Diana, and honor her in the
completion of a sacred task she left to us to assist in, the utter and complete banning, and outlawing of, and removing from
this earth, the utterly horrific,putrescent, travesty of humanity, that great evil, that grand perversity,that thing hated
most by the Princess, Diana,the dreaded land mimes. Indeed these horrifying creatures must be put an end to. Their ridiculous
gesticulations, waving of arms and legs round and abouts and all abouts, that vicious swivelling and rotating of their
atrocious hips, and all the whilst their insane invisible mockery of the eating of foods,must finally be ended by the ending
of them.
Indeed, imagine now the world of land mimes. Princess Diana visited the people of this earth, the victims, the targets of the
land mimes, she touched the untouchables, reached the unreachables,bore the unbearables, and yet she continued, she saw to it
the lepers were properly lepered, those with aids were helped with some more, and saw the children with their swollen bellies from food
or the lack of food being mocked by the invisible eating antics of the horrid land mimes,the food they would have eaten
being sent as foreign aid to Canada and the United States, there to be sold to the people there.We want to collect all the
land mimes and place them in an invisible box of their own creation, a box fit for an invisible sad thing, a misery.We must
hate them. As time passes the location of land mimes is often forgotten, even by those who planted them. These mimes continue
to be functional for many decades, causing further damage, injury and death, through their wild inane and idiotic antics.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of
stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand
very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a
person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity
rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the
Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist
elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called
experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be
mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they
should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories
to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United
States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
These Landmimes are basically explosive devices that are designed to explode when triggered by pressure or a tripwire of
humanity.Figures state that currently, there are more than 100-million landmimes located in 70 countries around the world,
according to OneWorld International. Since 1975, landmimes have killed or maimed more than 1-million people, which has led to
a worldwide effort to ban further landmime use and clear away existing landmimes. Humanity has suffered horribly, why in Las
Vegas, the Americans substituted Celine Dion, for the appearance of the dreaded land mime, Marcel Marceau, imagine,
replacement of the worst possible thing, with the second most dreaded thing.Such inhumanity they suffered, we must admire
them, and encourage them to keep Celine trapped there, not that they'll do anyone that favor.
Land mimes and other explosive remnants and tatters of the badly acting fraternity continue to threaten, maim and kill
indiscriminately long after own personal hostilities have ended, and impede post-conflict reconstruction and economic
development in civilized lands. They typically cause severe injury, including the amputation of one or more limbs, and most
of their victims are civilians. Disabled for life, survivors require long-term care, they expense of the sudden and horrible
encounter with the dreaded mime.It is said that 20,000 are killed or maimed by landmimes annually, disgustingly terrifying
figures, as disgusting and as terrifying as the single solitary view of a single land mime figure.Still governments do not
heed, do not listen, do not care.The widespread use of anti-personnel mimes has created a humanitarian crisis of global
proportions.
Attempts have been made to estimate the number of AP,Actra and Actors Equity mimes in the ground around the world through
reporting procedures by countries under the Ottawa Convention. However, it is now apparent that the number of mimes in the
ground is not an accurate measurement of the landmine problem.
Instead, the most significant measurement of landmime consequences is the amount of high-priority land that contains mimes.
This is land that is arable, socially and / or economically valuable or essential for transportation to the local residents.
The risk of death or injury inhibits use of the land. Whether a field has 2 mimes or 10,000 mimes means it cannot be used by
a community.Worldwide wide it is said that there are some 300,000-400,000 landmime survivors, unquestionably those who have
merely viewed the land mime on some heaven forsaken television program, or in passing may have merely heard of a mime
performing on the radio, and they have lived, unscathed,unscarred. unlike the rest who have actually encountered one
personally.Survivors, but what of those who did not.......... we are often haunted by the image of a small child who has
experienced the agony of a landmime injury, the cumulative problems caused by landmimes typically do not end with the
personal, physical, or even mental trauma of an individual. Invariably the net effect of multiple and frequent accidents is
to inflict societal trauma, via infrastructure and economic damage, on the country at large. People who step on landmines
often lose legs, arms, vision, hearing, and many die. These victims also have to deal with the effect of their injuries for
the rest of their lives.
Land mimes do not just affect the people who step on a sleeping mime. Communities, countries and the entire world feel the
effects of a single mime.Mimes are horrific when encountered, when touched, when stepped on...............indeed what do we
do with mimes, how to get rid of them? Well, it has been said, that a mime is a terrible thing to waste,it is suggested that
we not waste them,but somehow find a use for them.Yet herein lies the difficulty, no one has found a use for mimes.
Every effort must be made, every political and socio-political party in the world, must commit itself. to the remembrance
and the honoring of the name of Princess Diana, by helping rid the world, forever, once and for all time, of land mimes.
Once that is accomplished, we can rest for awhile, and then turn our attention to mimes and their effects on cruise and other
shipping at sea.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
.........................................
MRL: Applications Of The New Irish Air Travel System.
The headline reads..................
Now Ryanair wants passengers to STAND UP during flights
By Graham Smith
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197799/Ryanair-make-passengers-stand-bid-cram-board.html
No frills: Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary wants passengers to stand during the budget airline's flights
Ryanair wants passengers to stand during its flights so the budget airline can squeeze more people on board.
The Irish air carrier plans to cut costs by making fliers perch on stools with seat belts around their waists.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary has already held talks with US plane manufacturer Boeing about designing an aircraft with standing room.
Should the idea get the go-ahead from the Irish Aviation Authority, the airline plans to either order new jets or refurbish its existing
fleet.
And indeed, they should.Think of the vast savings this new Irish concept in air flight will achieve....................seats won't be
necessary, passengers will stand up. One of the first things we will notice is that for the first time the Irish can't be called
lay-about drunks, but actually stand up drunks, just like everybody else except, of course, that they will have something to assist them
in standing up. All that remains is that they carry this concept to the further stage. That of saving such thins as landing fees. Yes,
indeed, the passengers could be wearing paratrooper uniforms and as paratroopers do, when over target city area, they jump out and
parasail down, complete with luggage which can't be lost now,an added plus, and proficiently land even yet at their intended address of
arrival, never mind the right aerodrome!!!!!!!!! Imagine now in one fell swoop, the luggage horrors of Britain's Heathrow, the luggage horrors of Britain, also solved, all in one fell swoop.The mind boggles. Ever onwards. We too in Britain must seize on this new Irish development and march bravely in to the future of air travel.
Of course, it is mentioned, that previously I have mentioned such an air travel system, but,of course, mine was somewhat easier, the passenger would be properly seated through their flight, but it is grand to see that my air travel system has been and is evolving in the world of today. Imagine, my air travel system of the future, in the world of today.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
Tony Blair, The British Labour Prime Minister, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Blair!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that Gerry Adams, our I.R.A. political propagandist,has told me to tell you that we are finally officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Blair replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight! All genuine,not political arm, I.R.A."
Blair paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Blair asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mother Murphy's farm tractor."
Blair sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke,I've even put the Royal Princes all in there."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four I.R.A. boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Blair was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes still left in my Air Force. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Blair! I am sorry to inform you that we have added 3 American tourists to Ireland and 4 sailors who frequent Davy Byrne's Pub in Dublin, and we have 4 rubber dinghys, and 6 war surplused 'and grenades, an we knows 'ow to use'em."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Blair. "You know I just reduced my Navy to lower than that of the Canadian Navy. I guess I'll just have to quietly, and secretly, not to be mentioned publicly you know, surrender to the demands of you and the I.R.A.So, what are your terms"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners, so we'll accept your surrender, under these terms,
One: Gerry Adams gets put in to your Government along with other I.R.A. representatives.
Two:We get full power sharing in Northern Ireland.
Three: You resign from Government.
Four: you become a converted Catholic."
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
The MRL,Secret Squirrel, Labour's Definition of Heaven...........
Labour's Britain is like Heaven
In Labour's Britain we live in HEAVEN.
We HEAVEN got petrol,
We HEAVEN got work,
We HEAVEN got a cure for aids,
We HEAVEN got educated kids
We HEAVEN got electricity,
We HEAVEN got Gas
We HEAVEN got out of Iraq
We HEAVEN got morality
We HEAVEN got Law & Order and
We HEAVEN got a bright future."
Secret Squirrel.
...............................................................
Secret Squirrel On The State Of The European Union............
Secret Squirrel comments on the state of the European Union.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN BRITISH VERSION
The Euro Englishman works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Euro Frenchman thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the
winter, the shivering Euro Frenchman calls a press conference and demands
to know why the Euro Englishman should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
The American CNN shows up to provide pictures of the shivering Euro Frenchman
next to the Euro Englishman in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Americans are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be
that, in a Europe of such wealth, this poor Euro Frenchman is allowed
to suffer so?
Then a representative of European Civil Liberties
shows up on The National and charges the Euro Englishman with French bias,
and makes the case that the Euro Frenchman is the victim of 1000 years
of anti-French behaviour. Nicolas Sarkozy appears on CNN with the
Euro Frenchman, and everybody cries when he stands on a milk case and sings "Frere Jacques".
Gordon Brown makes a special guest appearance on the American CNN
with Larry King on "Larry King Live", and forced to explain the
difference tells a concerned American public he will do everything he can
do everything for the Euro Frenchman who has been denied the prosperity
they claim the Euro Frenchman deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Major/Thatcher summers.
British Finance Minister ,Alistair Darling exclaims in an interview that in his judgement the
Euro Englishman has gotten rich off the back of the Euro Frenchman,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Euro Englishman to make
him pay his "fair share.",increasing existing toll road and
bridge tolls and adding more road and bridge tolls to pay for it all.
Finally, Labor drafts the "Economic Equity and Pro-Euro French
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The Euro Englishman is fined
for failing to hire a proportionate number of Frenchman in his
businesses and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
The Lord Adonis,Lord Justice of Appeal,decides to himself represent the Euro Frenchman in
the Brussels Court,in a defamation suit against the Euro Englishman,
and the case is tried before a panel of Euro hearing officers that Nicolas Sarkozy
himself appointed from a list of single-parent Paris
welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The Euro Englishman loses the case.
The story ends as we see the Euro Frenchman finishing up the last bits
of the Euro Englishman's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the Euro Englishman's old house, crumbles around him
since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The Euro Englishman has disappeared in the snow.
And on the tele, which the Euro Frenchman bought by selling most of the
Euro Englishman's food, they are showing Gordon Brown standing before a
wildly applauding group of loyal Labour Party members announcing that a
new era of "European Fairness" has dawned in Britain.
Secret Squirrel.
.............................................................................
The New Labour New Election Logo
Secret Squirrel has discovered that the Labour Party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom believing it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects the pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed.
Secret Squirrel.
................................................................
Secret Squirrel has seen to it that with the impending annexation of Texas,and the re-acquisition of Canada by Britain,that we have rules ready for such a time.
What with the rise of the Texas separatists who have declared the annexation of Texas by the United States of America to be invalid, and so wish to succeed.................and Chuck Norris wishing to be,when and if and should that occur, it's new President, I feel then that time time is right for Britain to annex Texas as it should and would have had not the United States intervened with it's illegal annexation of Texas, so in preparation for the annexation and acquisition of Texas, adding it legally,properly, and rightly so to the British Empire......err..........Britain.........and so too also proceeding with my plan to declare the Confederation of Canada invalid, and so reacquiring the former and now once again colony of Canada we can proceed in preparation for the planned target year acquisition 2020, a year when Texans and Canadians will clearly see.................
The congratulatory speech on England Reacquiring the Colony of Canada, and Annexing the Newly Independent Republic of Texas, should all go well.
To the citizens of the Newly Independent Separated Former State of Texas,henceforth known as Texashire and the Newly Reacquired Former Colony,of Canada,Un-confederated, Now A Colony Once More, Of The Place They Ridiculously Call Canada( Spanish for Here There Is Nothing).
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
Prime Ministers in Canada, and the fact that your army has been given the year off for a rest as the generals wish, and the fact that we have a huge army of ridiculous bagpipers whose infernal horrendous cater wailing piping drives all before them, we are invading Canada for our own good to reacquire the colony, so thus we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately, and formerly absorb Canada which can in no way shape nor form defend itself or anybody in particular for that matter.
As to the place known as The Republic Of Texas, having reacquired your independence from America, as you did in the past from Mexico, and so were annexed immediately on said acquisition by America, so now being in a similar state,brought upon by the rebels and revolutionaries such as Chuck Norris and his cronies, and so having acquired said independence again, we, in Britain, are annexing The Republic Of Texas, and so renaming Texas, Texashire.
Now as to governance.............
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, or better yet the M.R.L. government which planned all this in secret sessions of Secret Squirrel's group of enlightened drunken friends down in the local pub, will appoint a Governor for Texashire, and one for Canada as well without the need for further elections. The Texas Legislature will be disbanded, and Shire government formed. Canada will have it's Parliament declared null,void, and pointless,a redundancy to be sure, and replaced with a government formed out of the drunks of the Ottawa Highlander Pub, who in their state of confused drunkenness can undoubtably rule much better than the present Canadian government.
A questionnaire may be circulated in the year (2012),these events all planned for the year 2011, to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'.Also the former French Fries you once called Freedom Fries, and the again called French Fries will now be known as either chips, or Dumbarse Fries as you prefer.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as Independence Day,being replaced by Guy Fawkes Day,November 5th.July 1st will no longer be celebrated as Canada Day, being replaced by Lord Sutch Day, November 12th.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
----------------------
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.This will be the official item of defense of the person.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. Texashire will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.Also, a return to the English system of weights and measures is necessary,which means local meat sellers may now legally place their thumbs on the scale.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.What was known as American Football, will now be referred to as Really Sissy Boy Rugby.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
17. And as a special consideration to the newly acquired former State Of Texas,wel shall now remove Chuck Norris from it's government in favor of somebody else who hasn't had the Fu Kunged once too many times.
18. The State Song of the Former Republic of Texas, Texas Our Texas, will be replaced by the here included, Let It All Hang Out............learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
(Spoken)
A preachment, dear friend
You are about to receive on John Barleycorn
Nicotine and the temptations of Eve
(Bronx Cheer salute)
(Sung)
No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razors broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I dont care, let it all hang out
Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what its all about
It's too much, man, let it all hang out
Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out
Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out
It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
19. The former Canadian national anthem is to be replaced by..
They're Coming To Take Me Away,Ha-Haaa!
So that the people may remember their state of mind driven so by years of inept,ignorant,ridiculous,incompetent, and idiotic self-rule.........
learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
20) Once again, for the welfare of the British economy,it being necessary to actually finance the area colony known as Canada, and the rest of the empire, Canadians in the colony will once again be given jobs working in the mines,forests, and on the farms providing the necessary sustinence and life blood of a massive and prosperous economy that which is Britain and the Empire.........whilst doing this,since there have been changes since the last empire, Britain will return things somewhat to the state that they were in those prosperous days of Empire, the Canadians so employed will have to wear blackface, bowing to the traditions of the day and the job of keeping the empire prosperous.
21) The border of Texashire WILL be protected from Mexican invasions, we will work a deal with the Americans,assimilating them in to our Empire's economy as a service area,we will allow us to sell to us, in fair trade Florida's alligators to the Rio Grande border of Texashire with Mexico, to serve as the new Border Patrol, one that has some real teeth in dealing with illegal wetback immigration.Should the Americans be unreasonable we can further import crocs from the former colony of Australia or the colonies of Afrique.
God save the Queen.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..............................................
M.R.L. Solves Britain's Prison Problems.
Secret Squirrel has seen that there are severe problems in England what with prison overcrowding, and a general lack of prisons, arising from the extreme high cost of construction of such facilities, and maintenance of same in terms of prison staff etc. In the 60's arose a system of construction, prefab, which was used to construct several buildings, including the then considered ultra modern Habitat 67 at the Man and His World exhibition in the colony of Canada during the World's Fair of that year. Interesting, boxes piled one atop the other, sticking out here and there etc.and interesting piece of engineering.
This engineering principle was carried forwards to ships in the form of cargo containers, and can be stacked say 14,000 to a vessel, each container cell being say 20x8x8 in terms of feet, interestingly, the size of a prison cell, particularly those of the Americans in Guantanamo Bay. The idea presents itself. Now a prison at sea is a grand idea, utilizing containers,stacked, , expandable to the max limit, say 7 such ships could accommodate the entire prison population of Britain! However, these ships consume say 1660 gallons (imperial), of fuel an hour...........not worth the cost to send'em on a sea cruise is it?
But the idea has presented itself, a prison island, indeed yes, imagine an island in the Indian Ocean, not requiring heating costs,and not worth it, the air conditioning costs, merely a form of bed and breakfast,lunch,dinner...........a gigantic container ship type island, stacked with prison cells, as converted cargo containers, ever expandable..........look at Diego Garcia, an island almost abandoned, it could easily become the prison for Britain, indeed the name, Diego Garcia,Her Majesty's Prison For The Extremely Naughty, comes to mind.
Look at what is there now a large airbase with several long range runways constructed, as well as a harbor suitable for large naval vessels so delivery of prisoners and containers to house new arrivals is a thing of utter ease.
As a territory of the United Kingdom, the head of state is Queen Elizabeth II. There is no Governor appointed to represent the Queen on the territory, as there are no native inhabitants. Thus the island itself is ideal, as an island, indeed, the lesser prisoners could act as guards and prison staff, making them useful to the full, reducing the costs of maintenance grandly, just requiring prison ship patrols about the island to prevent shall we say, prisoners attempting to break in to the island to enjoy it's lush location and tropical accommodation. Problem solved. Failing this we'll just follow the example of the Cuban and Haitian boat people heading off to America, we'll simply boat'em all towards the Australian coast, point the ship towards Australia, and so toss the lot of'em off.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
--------------------------------------------------------
MRL On The Reason To Encourage The Consumption of Beef.
There are many factors involved in this global warming,climate change issue of the day.........There are strange factors involved, such as cockroaches. Insect flatulence may account for one-fifth of all the methane emissions on this planet. (Termites are also prodigious farters; indeed, dogs trained to sniff out termites and roaches are actually following their farts.)
Cockroaches,particularly the Canadian variety as the study showed(of course, they may have meant their politicians, there is some confusion on the matter here) are among the biggest contributors to global warming, since they break wind every fifteen minutes. Furthermore, they continue to release methane gas for eighteen hours after they die. In a global scale, insect flatulence is estimated to account for 20% of all methane emissions. This puts the cockroach as one of the biggest contributors to Global Warming. However, here a BBC study has shown a very major contributer........
And here commences the Epistle From The BBC.......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/newsnight/2007/02/meet_daisy_the_cow_global_climates_enemy_number_on.html
Meet Daisy the cow global climate’s enemy number one.
When I started to investigate the impact of food on the environment a month ago I thought I would find myself fretting over food miles. In fact transport is a tiny component of agriculture’s worldwide contribution to greenhouse gas emissions.
No, the main culprit is out there in the fields, chewing her cud. It turns out that livestock predominantly cattle are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 per cent of the total, to be precise.
That’s right, almost a fifth of all emissions which is more greenhouse gas emissions than all the transport on earth planes, trains, cars, skidoos the lot.
You’ll be wondering how I reach that staggering conclusion. Indeed, regular readers of this blog may be worried that my decision forgo flesh and become a vegan during January has fostered an irrational hatred of animals.
Not so. The research implicating Daisy and her bovine brothers and sisters in global warming is very well sourced. A good start is Livestock’s Long Shadow, a report by the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization.
So why is the meat we eat so polluting?
Well, first of all we need to get a sense of scale. Seventy per cent of all agricultural land is used to raise animals that’s a third of the land surface of the entire planet. What’s more, over a third of all cereal production goes to feed those animals.
The UN report estimates that 160 million tonnes of carbon dioxide are associated with the fossil fuels emitted by this vast global industry that’s roughly a third of the UK’s total CO2 emissions. The figure includes transporting meat and dairy products across the globe, as well as the carbon dioxide emitted on the farm, in processing and in manufacture of nitrogen fertilizer, which is used to raise crops for feed for animals.
Add in the carbon from deforestation and land degradation and the figure is far, far higher. Most deforested land is used for pasture and the UN reckons the carbon released in the process takes the carbon cost of livestock up to the equivalent of 2.7 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide. That’s around seven per cent of all the greenhouse gases emitted by man.
That is a lot of global warming gas but still way short of that eighteen per cent figure. That’s because carbon dioxide isn’t the only global warming gas that animals are responsible for which is where Daisy comes in.
Ruminant animals like cows and sheep produce a lot of methane as they digest their food. And methane is a powerful greenhouse gas twenty three times as powerful as carbon dioxide, in fact.
There are reckoned to be around one and a half billion head of cattle on the planet and one point seven billion sheep. They, together with the more modest emissions of other farm animals, produce 37 per cent of global methane emissions which adds up to the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
We’re still not at a fifth of global emissions though. To get there you have to factor in the effects of another global warming gas - nitrous oxide. It is way more potent than even methane with 296 times the global warming power of carbon dioxide. Sixty five per cent of human related emissions of nitrous oxide are from the nitrogen in animal manure. That accounts for the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide.
Add the effects of the three gases associated with farming animals and you get total emissions equivalent to 7.1 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
And so here Ends The Epistle From The BBC...........
And so goes this report from the BBC...............stating quite flatly that cows are responsible for 1/4 of the carbon dioxide emissions................a blatant indicment of Daisy, the cow. Clearly at such high levels, Daisy, the Cow, representative of all cows, and cows...merit.........death. In short what needs be done is we must not turn vegan, this would merely leave more cows, producing yet more cows, and so increasing the number of cows, not reducing them, so we must eat more cows, eat more cow products..............burgies must be increased to doubles in the least,better yet triple and quadruple burgers, with singles being banned, we must consume steaks,beef roasts pot or Wellington,and so reduce the numbers of cows and so reduce the carbon dioxide and methane emission and so save earth. Of course we are ourselves also to blame, man,or woman, producing (EACH)1/2 litre of fart gas per day, a rather high figure in the methane category considering the vast level of population in the world,being 6,692,030,277,( a ratio of cows/sheep at 3-1, sheep and cow each a ration of 6-1,per person)which makes, scientificly 1,673,007,568 litres per day of human farts.Indeed recall that the consumption of veggies by the carnivore man, and that exclusively by veggans, influences, especially that by veggans who produce far more than the average 14/litre fart,but actually 1/2, indeed veggans must be banned, and retrained,re-educated, deprogrammed from veggies, to join humankind in the reduction of the beef herds by eating beef.Of course mankind's prolific production of farts, from points of view of reduction of same, is nothing to turn cannibal over,and of course one cannot expect anyone to make the supreme sacrifice(as did Heath Ledger)and commit suicide,we should content oursleves to consuming cows,consuming more cows,
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
The MRL's Secret Squirrel's Public Service Announcement Concerning the Problem and Behaviour of the Foul,And Most Foreign,Mime.
Secret Squirrel has considered the problem of something that was near and dear to Princess Diana,the problem of the dreaded land mime,a problem most feared and hated.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
"How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways..."
Maybe, Maybe Not by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways.
I hate mimes to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I hate mimes to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I hate mimes freely, as men strive for Right;
I hate mimes purely, as they turn from Praise.
I hate mimes with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I hate mimes with a hate I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I hate mimes with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but hate mimes better after they're all dead.
From the original,as rediscovered,perhaps on parchment,but not by James Cameron so there is probably major truth in this being the original,Browning herself may not be dead as James Cameron has not claimed to have discovered her empty grave as yet,rumored to have the words,JESUS.I'm Dead! scrawled on it as the other boxes he's found have.
What is MIME ? - Up until recently MIME was considered a theatrical art form in which an "actor" portrays a character and/or narration using no speech, sounds or props; just body movement and gestures. However, several months ago very important scientists at a very important laboratory discovered that the MIME condition, or Mnemonically Inadequate Mental Entropy, is actually an insidious form of insanity, annoying millions of non mimes each year.
Luckily those same very important scientists have formed the MIME Insanity Research Institute as the world's first best hope to combat the MIME condition.
Our scientists have discovered three separate causes for this affliction.
* The annoyance gene - Approximately 60% of all mimes are afflicted by this anomalous gene. It causes those that have it to believe that they are actually respected and loved by all those who hate them. They will never understand how annoying they are as all abuse and rejection is perceived as admiration and acceptance by these sad creatures.
* The perception retrovirus - Around 32% of mimes do not even realize that they are not interacting with the real world. These poor fools believe everything that they do is real, and that they are contributing to the real world and society at large. This mime is usually, but not always, easily identified by the tendency to become repeatedly trapped in invisible boxes.
* Social Conditioning - The remaining 8% of mimes have been taught through social conditioning to become mimes, never realizing that they are satirizing a serious mental illness. Some colleges and other institutes of higher learning even teach classes in MIME. This sad practice must be halted and these people turned back into productive members of society.
Luckily police were able to stop this type II mime before he was able to do any real damage with his invisible ax.
This particular mime was about to attack a group of invisible passerby's when sharp eyed police noticed and took prompt action, shooting him dead at the scene.
This, and other tragedies like it could have been avoided. Had only this mime's friends had committed him to the Institute at the earliest signs of Mimeness. Over two thousand people a day perform some kind of silent gesture. It's like a loaded gun.
Facts, Myths & Rumours: Mimes
A MIME smoking a cigar caused the Hindenberg disaster.
The Spanish Inquisition was started by a MIME.
The Beatles almost admitted to being bigger than MIMES.
Sometimes MIMES wear trench coats & carry swords.
Richard Nixon almost named his dog after a MIME.
Seven of the twelve apostles were MIMES.
Ru Paul blames MIMES as one of his/her biggest influences.
Mimes wear underpants.
Pig Latin was started by Mimes to fool the Nazis.
All the dance choreography for "The Brady Bunch" episodes were directed by Marcel Marceau.
Mimes love bad children.
Englebert Humperdink's father was a mime.
Mimes invented the Abacus.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
The MRL And The Dreaded Land Mime
We in the MRL must make a commitment to be honor bound to glorify the name of Princess Diana, and honor her in the
completion of a sacred task she left to us to assist in, the utter and complete banning, and outlawing of, and removing from
this earth, the utterly horrific,putrescent, travesty of humanity, that great evil, that grand perversity,that thing hated
most by the Princess, Diana,the dreaded land mimes. Indeed these horrifying creatures must be put an end to. Their ridiculous
gesticulations, waving of arms and legs round and abouts and all abouts, that vicious swivelling and rotating of their
atrocious hips, and all the whilst their insane invisible mockery of the eating of foods,must finally be ended by the ending
of them.
Indeed, imagine now the world of land mimes. Princess Diana visited the people of this earth, the victims, the targets of the
land mimes, she touched the untouchables, reached the unreachables,bore the unbearables, and yet she continued, she saw to it
the lepers were properly lepered, those with aids were helped with some more, and saw the children with their swollen bellies from food
or the lack of food being mocked by the invisible eating antics of the horrid land mimes,the food they would have eaten
being sent as foreign aid to Canada and the United States, there to be sold to the people there.We want to collect all the
land mimes and place them in an invisible box of their own creation, a box fit for an invisible sad thing, a misery.We must
hate them. As time passes the location of land mimes is often forgotten, even by those who planted them. These mimes continue
to be functional for many decades, causing further damage, injury and death, through their wild inane and idiotic antics.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of
stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand
very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a
person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity
rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the
Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist
elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called
experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be
mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they
should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories
to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United
States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
These Landmimes are basically explosive devices that are designed to explode when triggered by pressure or a tripwire of
humanity.Figures state that currently, there are more than 100-million landmimes located in 70 countries around the world,
according to OneWorld International. Since 1975, landmimes have killed or maimed more than 1-million people, which has led to
a worldwide effort to ban further landmime use and clear away existing landmimes. Humanity has suffered horribly, why in Las
Vegas, the Americans substituted Celine Dion, for the appearance of the dreaded land mime, Marcel Marceau, imagine,
replacement of the worst possible thing, with the second most dreaded thing.Such inhumanity they suffered, we must admire
them, and encourage them to keep Celine trapped there, not that they'll do anyone that favor.
Land mimes and other explosive remnants and tatters of the badly acting fraternity continue to threaten, maim and kill
indiscriminately long after own personal hostilities have ended, and impede post-conflict reconstruction and economic
development in civilized lands. They typically cause severe injury, including the amputation of one or more limbs, and most
of their victims are civilians. Disabled for life, survivors require long-term care, they expense of the sudden and horrible
encounter with the dreaded mime.It is said that 20,000 are killed or maimed by landmimes annually, disgustingly terrifying
figures, as disgusting and as terrifying as the single solitary view of a single land mime figure.Still governments do not
heed, do not listen, do not care.The widespread use of anti-personnel mimes has created a humanitarian crisis of global
proportions.
Attempts have been made to estimate the number of AP,Actra and Actors Equity mimes in the ground around the world through
reporting procedures by countries under the Ottawa Convention. However, it is now apparent that the number of mimes in the
ground is not an accurate measurement of the landmine problem.
Instead, the most significant measurement of landmime consequences is the amount of high-priority land that contains mimes.
This is land that is arable, socially and / or economically valuable or essential for transportation to the local residents.
The risk of death or injury inhibits use of the land. Whether a field has 2 mimes or 10,000 mimes means it cannot be used by
a community.Worldwide wide it is said that there are some 300,000-400,000 landmime survivors, unquestionably those who have
merely viewed the land mime on some heaven forsaken television program, or in passing may have merely heard of a mime
performing on the radio, and they have lived, unscathed,unscarred. unlike the rest who have actually encountered one
personally.Survivors, but what of those who did not.......... we are often haunted by the image of a small child who has
experienced the agony of a landmime injury, the cumulative problems caused by landmimes typically do not end with the
personal, physical, or even mental trauma of an individual. Invariably the net effect of multiple and frequent accidents is
to inflict societal trauma, via infrastructure and economic damage, on the country at large. People who step on landmines
often lose legs, arms, vision, hearing, and many die. These victims also have to deal with the effect of their injuries for
the rest of their lives.
Land mimes do not just affect the people who step on a sleeping mime. Communities, countries and the entire world feel the
effects of a single mime.Mimes are horrific when encountered, when touched, when stepped on...............indeed what do we
do with mimes, how to get rid of them? Well, it has been said, that a mime is a terrible thing to waste,it is suggested that
we not waste them,but somehow find a use for them.Yet herein lies the difficulty, no one has found a use for mimes.
Every effort must be made, every political and socio-political party in the world, must commit itself. to the remembrance
and the honoring of the name of Princess Diana, by helping rid the world, forever, once and for all time, of land mimes.
Once that is accomplished, we can rest for awhile, and then turn our attention to mimes and their effects on cruise and other
shipping at sea.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
.........................................
MRL: Applications Of The New Irish Air Travel System.
The headline reads..................
Now Ryanair wants passengers to STAND UP during flights
By Graham Smith
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197799/Ryanair-make-passengers-stand-bid-cram-board.html
No frills: Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary wants passengers to stand during the budget airline's flights
Ryanair wants passengers to stand during its flights so the budget airline can squeeze more people on board.
The Irish air carrier plans to cut costs by making fliers perch on stools with seat belts around their waists.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary has already held talks with US plane manufacturer Boeing about designing an aircraft with standing room.
Should the idea get the go-ahead from the Irish Aviation Authority, the airline plans to either order new jets or refurbish its existing
fleet.
And indeed, they should.Think of the vast savings this new Irish concept in air flight will achieve....................seats won't be
necessary, passengers will stand up. One of the first things we will notice is that for the first time the Irish can't be called
lay-about drunks, but actually stand up drunks, just like everybody else except, of course, that they will have something to assist them
in standing up. All that remains is that they carry this concept to the further stage. That of saving such thins as landing fees. Yes,
indeed, the passengers could be wearing paratrooper uniforms and as paratroopers do, when over target city area, they jump out and
parasail down, complete with luggage which can't be lost now,an added plus, and proficiently land even yet at their intended address of
arrival, never mind the right aerodrome!!!!!!!!! Imagine now in one fell swoop, the luggage horrors of Britain's Heathrow, the luggage horrors of Britain, also solved, all in one fell swoop.The mind boggles. Ever onwards. We too in Britain must seize on this new Irish development and march bravely in to the future of air travel.
Of course, it is mentioned, that previously I have mentioned such an air travel system, but,of course, mine was somewhat easier, the passenger would be properly seated through their flight, but it is grand to see that my air travel system has been and is evolving in the world of today. Imagine, my air travel system of the future, in the world of today.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
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