Secret Squirrel has gotten hold of a secret IRA and government taped and converted transcript of Tony Blair Number 10 Downing Street communications between Blair and the I.R.A.Discover the truth behind......behind.................behind............Tony Blair placing Britain's backside to the future...............surrender is ever the option........stolen by the French Dezzium(Deuxieme,2nd) Bureau.........further stolen and leaked from the diaper of the American C.I.A............and finally delivered by the local Kosher bagel man,who was an Centro Nacional de Inteligencia intelligence man in disguise as Moussad.
Tony Blair, The British Labour Prime Minister, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Blair!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that Gerry Adams, our I.R.A. political propagandist,has told me to tell you that we are finally officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Blair replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight! All genuine,not political arm, I.R.A."
Blair paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Blair asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mother Murphy's farm tractor."
Blair sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke,I've even put the Royal Princes all in there."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Blair, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four I.R.A. boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Blair was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes still left in my Air Force. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Blair! I am sorry to inform you that we have added 3 American tourists to Ireland and 4 sailors who frequent Davy Byrne's Pub in Dublin, and we have 4 rubber dinghys, and 6 war surplused 'and grenades, an we knows 'ow to use'em."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Blair. "You know I just reduced my Navy to lower than that of the Canadian Navy. I guess I'll just have to quietly, and secretly, not to be mentioned publicly you know, surrender to the demands of you and the I.R.A.So, what are your terms"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners, so we'll accept your surrender, under these terms,
One: Gerry Adams gets put in to your Government along with other I.R.A. representatives.
Two:We get full power sharing in Northern Ireland.
Three: You resign from Government.
Four: you become a converted Catholic."
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.....................................
The MRL,Secret Squirrel, Labour's Definition of Heaven...........
Labour's Britain is like Heaven
In Labour's Britain we live in HEAVEN.
We HEAVEN got petrol,
We HEAVEN got work,
We HEAVEN got a cure for aids,
We HEAVEN got educated kids
We HEAVEN got electricity,
We HEAVEN got Gas
We HEAVEN got out of Iraq
We HEAVEN got morality
We HEAVEN got Law & Order and
We HEAVEN got a bright future."
Secret Squirrel.
...............................................................
Secret Squirrel On The State Of The European Union............
Secret Squirrel comments on the state of the European Union.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper
has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN BRITISH VERSION
The Euro Englishman works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Euro Frenchman thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the
winter, the shivering Euro Frenchman calls a press conference and demands
to know why the Euro Englishman should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
The American CNN shows up to provide pictures of the shivering Euro Frenchman
next to the Euro Englishman in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Americans are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be
that, in a Europe of such wealth, this poor Euro Frenchman is allowed
to suffer so?
Then a representative of European Civil Liberties
shows up on The National and charges the Euro Englishman with French bias,
and makes the case that the Euro Frenchman is the victim of 1000 years
of anti-French behaviour. Nicolas Sarkozy appears on CNN with the
Euro Frenchman, and everybody cries when he stands on a milk case and sings "Frere Jacques".
Gordon Brown makes a special guest appearance on the American CNN
with Larry King on "Larry King Live", and forced to explain the
difference tells a concerned American public he will do everything he can
do everything for the Euro Frenchman who has been denied the prosperity
they claim the Euro Frenchman deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Major/Thatcher summers.
British Finance Minister ,Alistair Darling exclaims in an interview that in his judgement the
Euro Englishman has gotten rich off the back of the Euro Frenchman,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Euro Englishman to make
him pay his "fair share.",increasing existing toll road and
bridge tolls and adding more road and bridge tolls to pay for it all.
Finally, Labor drafts the "Economic Equity and Pro-Euro French
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The Euro Englishman is fined
for failing to hire a proportionate number of Frenchman in his
businesses and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.
The Lord Adonis,Lord Justice of Appeal,decides to himself represent the Euro Frenchman in
the Brussels Court,in a defamation suit against the Euro Englishman,
and the case is tried before a panel of Euro hearing officers that Nicolas Sarkozy
himself appointed from a list of single-parent Paris
welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The Euro Englishman loses the case.
The story ends as we see the Euro Frenchman finishing up the last bits
of the Euro Englishman's food while the government house he's in, which
just happens to be the Euro Englishman's old house, crumbles around him
since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The Euro Englishman has disappeared in the snow.
And on the tele, which the Euro Frenchman bought by selling most of the
Euro Englishman's food, they are showing Gordon Brown standing before a
wildly applauding group of loyal Labour Party members announcing that a
new era of "European Fairness" has dawned in Britain.
Secret Squirrel.
.............................................................................
The New Labour New Election Logo
Secret Squirrel has discovered that the Labour Party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom believing it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects the pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you are being screwed.
Secret Squirrel.
................................................................
Secret Squirrel has seen to it that with the impending annexation of Texas,and the re-acquisition of Canada by Britain,that we have rules ready for such a time.
What with the rise of the Texas separatists who have declared the annexation of Texas by the United States of America to be invalid, and so wish to succeed.................and Chuck Norris wishing to be,when and if and should that occur, it's new President, I feel then that time time is right for Britain to annex Texas as it should and would have had not the United States intervened with it's illegal annexation of Texas, so in preparation for the annexation and acquisition of Texas, adding it legally,properly, and rightly so to the British Empire......err..........Britain.........and so too also proceeding with my plan to declare the Confederation of Canada invalid, and so reacquiring the former and now once again colony of Canada we can proceed in preparation for the planned target year acquisition 2020, a year when Texans and Canadians will clearly see.................
The congratulatory speech on England Reacquiring the Colony of Canada, and Annexing the Newly Independent Republic of Texas, should all go well.
To the citizens of the Newly Independent Separated Former State of Texas,henceforth known as Texashire and the Newly Reacquired Former Colony,of Canada,Un-confederated, Now A Colony Once More, Of The Place They Ridiculously Call Canada( Spanish for Here There Is Nothing).
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
Prime Ministers in Canada, and the fact that your army has been given the year off for a rest as the generals wish, and the fact that we have a huge army of ridiculous bagpipers whose infernal horrendous cater wailing piping drives all before them, we are invading Canada for our own good to reacquire the colony, so thus we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately, and formerly absorb Canada which can in no way shape nor form defend itself or anybody in particular for that matter.
As to the place known as The Republic Of Texas, having reacquired your independence from America, as you did in the past from Mexico, and so were annexed immediately on said acquisition by America, so now being in a similar state,brought upon by the rebels and revolutionaries such as Chuck Norris and his cronies, and so having acquired said independence again, we, in Britain, are annexing The Republic Of Texas, and so renaming Texas, Texashire.
Now as to governance.............
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, or better yet the M.R.L. government which planned all this in secret sessions of Secret Squirrel's group of enlightened drunken friends down in the local pub, will appoint a Governor for Texashire, and one for Canada as well without the need for further elections. The Texas Legislature will be disbanded, and Shire government formed. Canada will have it's Parliament declared null,void, and pointless,a redundancy to be sure, and replaced with a government formed out of the drunks of the Ottawa Highlander Pub, who in their state of confused drunkenness can undoubtably rule much better than the present Canadian government.
A questionnaire may be circulated in the year (2012),these events all planned for the year 2011, to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'.Also the former French Fries you once called Freedom Fries, and the again called French Fries will now be known as either chips, or Dumbarse Fries as you prefer.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as Independence Day,being replaced by Guy Fawkes Day,November 5th.July 1st will no longer be celebrated as Canada Day, being replaced by Lord Sutch Day, November 12th.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
----------------------
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.This will be the official item of defense of the person.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. Texashire will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.Also, a return to the English system of weights and measures is necessary,which means local meat sellers may now legally place their thumbs on the scale.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.What was known as American Football, will now be referred to as Really Sissy Boy Rugby.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
17. And as a special consideration to the newly acquired former State Of Texas,wel shall now remove Chuck Norris from it's government in favor of somebody else who hasn't had the Fu Kunged once too many times.
18. The State Song of the Former Republic of Texas, Texas Our Texas, will be replaced by the here included, Let It All Hang Out............learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
(Spoken)
A preachment, dear friend
You are about to receive on John Barleycorn
Nicotine and the temptations of Eve
(Bronx Cheer salute)
(Sung)
No parkin' by the sewer sign
Hot dog, my razors broke
Water drippin' up the spout
But I dont care, let it all hang out
Hangin' from a pine tree by my knees
Sun is shinin' through the shade
Nobody knows what its all about
It's too much, man, let it all hang out
Saw a man walkin' upside down
My T.V.s on the blink
Made Galileo look like a Boy Scout
Sorry 'bout that, let it all hang out
Sleep all day, drive all night
Brain my numb, can't stop now
For sure ain't no doubt
Keep an open mind, let it all hang out
It's rainin' inside a big brown moon
How does that mess you baby up, leg
Eatin' a Reuben sandwich with sauerkraut
Don't stop now, baby, let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
Let it all hang out
19. The former Canadian national anthem is to be replaced by..
They're Coming To Take Me Away,Ha-Haaa!
So that the people may remember their state of mind driven so by years of inept,ignorant,ridiculous,incompetent, and idiotic self-rule.........
learn the lyrics in advance, it will save you the trouble later..........
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
20) Once again, for the welfare of the British economy,it being necessary to actually finance the area colony known as Canada, and the rest of the empire, Canadians in the colony will once again be given jobs working in the mines,forests, and on the farms providing the necessary sustinence and life blood of a massive and prosperous economy that which is Britain and the Empire.........whilst doing this,since there have been changes since the last empire, Britain will return things somewhat to the state that they were in those prosperous days of Empire, the Canadians so employed will have to wear blackface, bowing to the traditions of the day and the job of keeping the empire prosperous.
21) The border of Texashire WILL be protected from Mexican invasions, we will work a deal with the Americans,assimilating them in to our Empire's economy as a service area,we will allow us to sell to us, in fair trade Florida's alligators to the Rio Grande border of Texashire with Mexico, to serve as the new Border Patrol, one that has some real teeth in dealing with illegal wetback immigration.Should the Americans be unreasonable we can further import crocs from the former colony of Australia or the colonies of Afrique.
God save the Queen.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..............................................
M.R.L. Solves Britain's Prison Problems.
Secret Squirrel has seen that there are severe problems in England what with prison overcrowding, and a general lack of prisons, arising from the extreme high cost of construction of such facilities, and maintenance of same in terms of prison staff etc. In the 60's arose a system of construction, prefab, which was used to construct several buildings, including the then considered ultra modern Habitat 67 at the Man and His World exhibition in the colony of Canada during the World's Fair of that year. Interesting, boxes piled one atop the other, sticking out here and there etc.and interesting piece of engineering.
This engineering principle was carried forwards to ships in the form of cargo containers, and can be stacked say 14,000 to a vessel, each container cell being say 20x8x8 in terms of feet, interestingly, the size of a prison cell, particularly those of the Americans in Guantanamo Bay. The idea presents itself. Now a prison at sea is a grand idea, utilizing containers,stacked, , expandable to the max limit, say 7 such ships could accommodate the entire prison population of Britain! However, these ships consume say 1660 gallons (imperial), of fuel an hour...........not worth the cost to send'em on a sea cruise is it?
But the idea has presented itself, a prison island, indeed yes, imagine an island in the Indian Ocean, not requiring heating costs,and not worth it, the air conditioning costs, merely a form of bed and breakfast,lunch,dinner...........a gigantic container ship type island, stacked with prison cells, as converted cargo containers, ever expandable..........look at Diego Garcia, an island almost abandoned, it could easily become the prison for Britain, indeed the name, Diego Garcia,Her Majesty's Prison For The Extremely Naughty, comes to mind.
Look at what is there now a large airbase with several long range runways constructed, as well as a harbor suitable for large naval vessels so delivery of prisoners and containers to house new arrivals is a thing of utter ease.
As a territory of the United Kingdom, the head of state is Queen Elizabeth II. There is no Governor appointed to represent the Queen on the territory, as there are no native inhabitants. Thus the island itself is ideal, as an island, indeed, the lesser prisoners could act as guards and prison staff, making them useful to the full, reducing the costs of maintenance grandly, just requiring prison ship patrols about the island to prevent shall we say, prisoners attempting to break in to the island to enjoy it's lush location and tropical accommodation. Problem solved. Failing this we'll just follow the example of the Cuban and Haitian boat people heading off to America, we'll simply boat'em all towards the Australian coast, point the ship towards Australia, and so toss the lot of'em off.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
--------------------------------------------------------
MRL On The Reason To Encourage The Consumption of Beef.
There are many factors involved in this global warming,climate change issue of the day.........There are strange factors involved, such as cockroaches. Insect flatulence may account for one-fifth of all the methane emissions on this planet. (Termites are also prodigious farters; indeed, dogs trained to sniff out termites and roaches are actually following their farts.)
Cockroaches,particularly the Canadian variety as the study showed(of course, they may have meant their politicians, there is some confusion on the matter here) are among the biggest contributors to global warming, since they break wind every fifteen minutes. Furthermore, they continue to release methane gas for eighteen hours after they die. In a global scale, insect flatulence is estimated to account for 20% of all methane emissions. This puts the cockroach as one of the biggest contributors to Global Warming. However, here a BBC study has shown a very major contributer........
And here commences the Epistle From The BBC.......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/newsnight/2007/02/meet_daisy_the_cow_global_climates_enemy_number_on.html
Meet Daisy the cow global climate’s enemy number one.
When I started to investigate the impact of food on the environment a month ago I thought I would find myself fretting over food miles. In fact transport is a tiny component of agriculture’s worldwide contribution to greenhouse gas emissions.
No, the main culprit is out there in the fields, chewing her cud. It turns out that livestock predominantly cattle are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 per cent of the total, to be precise.
That’s right, almost a fifth of all emissions which is more greenhouse gas emissions than all the transport on earth planes, trains, cars, skidoos the lot.
You’ll be wondering how I reach that staggering conclusion. Indeed, regular readers of this blog may be worried that my decision forgo flesh and become a vegan during January has fostered an irrational hatred of animals.
Not so. The research implicating Daisy and her bovine brothers and sisters in global warming is very well sourced. A good start is Livestock’s Long Shadow, a report by the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization.
So why is the meat we eat so polluting?
Well, first of all we need to get a sense of scale. Seventy per cent of all agricultural land is used to raise animals that’s a third of the land surface of the entire planet. What’s more, over a third of all cereal production goes to feed those animals.
The UN report estimates that 160 million tonnes of carbon dioxide are associated with the fossil fuels emitted by this vast global industry that’s roughly a third of the UK’s total CO2 emissions. The figure includes transporting meat and dairy products across the globe, as well as the carbon dioxide emitted on the farm, in processing and in manufacture of nitrogen fertilizer, which is used to raise crops for feed for animals.
Add in the carbon from deforestation and land degradation and the figure is far, far higher. Most deforested land is used for pasture and the UN reckons the carbon released in the process takes the carbon cost of livestock up to the equivalent of 2.7 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide. That’s around seven per cent of all the greenhouse gases emitted by man.
That is a lot of global warming gas but still way short of that eighteen per cent figure. That’s because carbon dioxide isn’t the only global warming gas that animals are responsible for which is where Daisy comes in.
Ruminant animals like cows and sheep produce a lot of methane as they digest their food. And methane is a powerful greenhouse gas twenty three times as powerful as carbon dioxide, in fact.
There are reckoned to be around one and a half billion head of cattle on the planet and one point seven billion sheep. They, together with the more modest emissions of other farm animals, produce 37 per cent of global methane emissions which adds up to the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
We’re still not at a fifth of global emissions though. To get there you have to factor in the effects of another global warming gas - nitrous oxide. It is way more potent than even methane with 296 times the global warming power of carbon dioxide. Sixty five per cent of human related emissions of nitrous oxide are from the nitrogen in animal manure. That accounts for the equivalent of another 2.2 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide.
Add the effects of the three gases associated with farming animals and you get total emissions equivalent to 7.1 billion tonnes of carbon dioxide a year.
And so here Ends The Epistle From The BBC...........
And so goes this report from the BBC...............stating quite flatly that cows are responsible for 1/4 of the carbon dioxide emissions................a blatant indicment of Daisy, the cow. Clearly at such high levels, Daisy, the Cow, representative of all cows, and cows...merit.........death. In short what needs be done is we must not turn vegan, this would merely leave more cows, producing yet more cows, and so increasing the number of cows, not reducing them, so we must eat more cows, eat more cow products..............burgies must be increased to doubles in the least,better yet triple and quadruple burgers, with singles being banned, we must consume steaks,beef roasts pot or Wellington,and so reduce the numbers of cows and so reduce the carbon dioxide and methane emission and so save earth. Of course we are ourselves also to blame, man,or woman, producing (EACH)1/2 litre of fart gas per day, a rather high figure in the methane category considering the vast level of population in the world,being 6,692,030,277,( a ratio of cows/sheep at 3-1, sheep and cow each a ration of 6-1,per person)which makes, scientificly 1,673,007,568 litres per day of human farts.Indeed recall that the consumption of veggies by the carnivore man, and that exclusively by veggans, influences, especially that by veggans who produce far more than the average 14/litre fart,but actually 1/2, indeed veggans must be banned, and retrained,re-educated, deprogrammed from veggies, to join humankind in the reduction of the beef herds by eating beef.Of course mankind's prolific production of farts, from points of view of reduction of same, is nothing to turn cannibal over,and of course one cannot expect anyone to make the supreme sacrifice(as did Heath Ledger)and commit suicide,we should content oursleves to consuming cows,consuming more cows,
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.......................................
The MRL's Secret Squirrel's Public Service Announcement Concerning the Problem and Behaviour of the Foul,And Most Foreign,Mime.
Secret Squirrel has considered the problem of something that was near and dear to Princess Diana,the problem of the dreaded land mime,a problem most feared and hated.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
"How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways..."
Maybe, Maybe Not by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I hate mimes? Let me count the ways.
I hate mimes to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I hate mimes to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I hate mimes freely, as men strive for Right;
I hate mimes purely, as they turn from Praise.
I hate mimes with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I hate mimes with a hate I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I hate mimes with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but hate mimes better after they're all dead.
From the original,as rediscovered,perhaps on parchment,but not by James Cameron so there is probably major truth in this being the original,Browning herself may not be dead as James Cameron has not claimed to have discovered her empty grave as yet,rumored to have the words,JESUS.I'm Dead! scrawled on it as the other boxes he's found have.
What is MIME ? - Up until recently MIME was considered a theatrical art form in which an "actor" portrays a character and/or narration using no speech, sounds or props; just body movement and gestures. However, several months ago very important scientists at a very important laboratory discovered that the MIME condition, or Mnemonically Inadequate Mental Entropy, is actually an insidious form of insanity, annoying millions of non mimes each year.
Luckily those same very important scientists have formed the MIME Insanity Research Institute as the world's first best hope to combat the MIME condition.
Our scientists have discovered three separate causes for this affliction.
* The annoyance gene - Approximately 60% of all mimes are afflicted by this anomalous gene. It causes those that have it to believe that they are actually respected and loved by all those who hate them. They will never understand how annoying they are as all abuse and rejection is perceived as admiration and acceptance by these sad creatures.
* The perception retrovirus - Around 32% of mimes do not even realize that they are not interacting with the real world. These poor fools believe everything that they do is real, and that they are contributing to the real world and society at large. This mime is usually, but not always, easily identified by the tendency to become repeatedly trapped in invisible boxes.
* Social Conditioning - The remaining 8% of mimes have been taught through social conditioning to become mimes, never realizing that they are satirizing a serious mental illness. Some colleges and other institutes of higher learning even teach classes in MIME. This sad practice must be halted and these people turned back into productive members of society.
Luckily police were able to stop this type II mime before he was able to do any real damage with his invisible ax.
This particular mime was about to attack a group of invisible passerby's when sharp eyed police noticed and took prompt action, shooting him dead at the scene.
This, and other tragedies like it could have been avoided. Had only this mime's friends had committed him to the Institute at the earliest signs of Mimeness. Over two thousand people a day perform some kind of silent gesture. It's like a loaded gun.
Facts, Myths & Rumours: Mimes
A MIME smoking a cigar caused the Hindenberg disaster.
The Spanish Inquisition was started by a MIME.
The Beatles almost admitted to being bigger than MIMES.
Sometimes MIMES wear trench coats & carry swords.
Richard Nixon almost named his dog after a MIME.
Seven of the twelve apostles were MIMES.
Ru Paul blames MIMES as one of his/her biggest influences.
Mimes wear underpants.
Pig Latin was started by Mimes to fool the Nazis.
All the dance choreography for "The Brady Bunch" episodes were directed by Marcel Marceau.
Mimes love bad children.
Englebert Humperdink's father was a mime.
Mimes invented the Abacus.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
The MRL And The Dreaded Land Mime
We in the MRL must make a commitment to be honor bound to glorify the name of Princess Diana, and honor her in the
completion of a sacred task she left to us to assist in, the utter and complete banning, and outlawing of, and removing from
this earth, the utterly horrific,putrescent, travesty of humanity, that great evil, that grand perversity,that thing hated
most by the Princess, Diana,the dreaded land mimes. Indeed these horrifying creatures must be put an end to. Their ridiculous
gesticulations, waving of arms and legs round and abouts and all abouts, that vicious swivelling and rotating of their
atrocious hips, and all the whilst their insane invisible mockery of the eating of foods,must finally be ended by the ending
of them.
Indeed, imagine now the world of land mimes. Princess Diana visited the people of this earth, the victims, the targets of the
land mimes, she touched the untouchables, reached the unreachables,bore the unbearables, and yet she continued, she saw to it
the lepers were properly lepered, those with aids were helped with some more, and saw the children with their swollen bellies from food
or the lack of food being mocked by the invisible eating antics of the horrid land mimes,the food they would have eaten
being sent as foreign aid to Canada and the United States, there to be sold to the people there.We want to collect all the
land mimes and place them in an invisible box of their own creation, a box fit for an invisible sad thing, a misery.We must
hate them. As time passes the location of land mimes is often forgotten, even by those who planted them. These mimes continue
to be functional for many decades, causing further damage, injury and death, through their wild inane and idiotic antics.
The land mime is a particularly lethal form of mime used frequently in mime warfare. These mimes have been trained in the ninja art of
stealth by their Grand Master, Marcel Marceau. Land mimes are typically dropped by parachute-mime into enemy territory. The mimes stand
very still wherever they land and do their impression of a tree, rendering them effectively invisible.
Land mimes tend to attack indiscriminately, making them one of the most feared kind of mime. They typically will detonate whenever a
person passes nearby, or at least they will pantomime detonation with the ancient ninja techniques in which they were trained.
Did you know...
that unlike some other kinds of mime, land mimes do not make good pets. Most so-called experts believe this is due to their low activity
rates, their insatiable appetites, and their tendency to suddenly kill people.
Land mimes are hard to spot, due to their incredible imitation skills. Fortunately, the tree they have been trained to imitate is the
Arctic Downy Birch (Betula pubescens tortuosa), which is the only evergreen native to Greenland. Since these trees do not exist
elsewhere, land mimes tend to stand out and can easily be spotted by trained arborologists.
While trained in ninja skills, land mimes are not ninja themselves, and thus can easily be overtaken by real ninjas. Many so-called
experts recommend that you carry a ninja with you at times anyway, as a general means of personal defense.
There are battlefield signs,warning civilians about the presence of a mimefield. Soldiers are duty-bound to ignore the warning and be
mindlessly slaughtered while crossing the field.
Since land mimes attack both soldiers and civilians indiscriminately, and can remain in an area for decades, some softies think that they
should not be used. The 1997 Ottawimp Convention, signed by the 155 most cowardly countries, bans their use and requires the signatories
to destroy their existing unused land mimes and to remove existing mimefields. The countries with the biggest balls, such as the United
States of America are the only ones that still have the guts to use land mimes.
These Landmimes are basically explosive devices that are designed to explode when triggered by pressure or a tripwire of
humanity.Figures state that currently, there are more than 100-million landmimes located in 70 countries around the world,
according to OneWorld International. Since 1975, landmimes have killed or maimed more than 1-million people, which has led to
a worldwide effort to ban further landmime use and clear away existing landmimes. Humanity has suffered horribly, why in Las
Vegas, the Americans substituted Celine Dion, for the appearance of the dreaded land mime, Marcel Marceau, imagine,
replacement of the worst possible thing, with the second most dreaded thing.Such inhumanity they suffered, we must admire
them, and encourage them to keep Celine trapped there, not that they'll do anyone that favor.
Land mimes and other explosive remnants and tatters of the badly acting fraternity continue to threaten, maim and kill
indiscriminately long after own personal hostilities have ended, and impede post-conflict reconstruction and economic
development in civilized lands. They typically cause severe injury, including the amputation of one or more limbs, and most
of their victims are civilians. Disabled for life, survivors require long-term care, they expense of the sudden and horrible
encounter with the dreaded mime.It is said that 20,000 are killed or maimed by landmimes annually, disgustingly terrifying
figures, as disgusting and as terrifying as the single solitary view of a single land mime figure.Still governments do not
heed, do not listen, do not care.The widespread use of anti-personnel mimes has created a humanitarian crisis of global
proportions.
Attempts have been made to estimate the number of AP,Actra and Actors Equity mimes in the ground around the world through
reporting procedures by countries under the Ottawa Convention. However, it is now apparent that the number of mimes in the
ground is not an accurate measurement of the landmine problem.
Instead, the most significant measurement of landmime consequences is the amount of high-priority land that contains mimes.
This is land that is arable, socially and / or economically valuable or essential for transportation to the local residents.
The risk of death or injury inhibits use of the land. Whether a field has 2 mimes or 10,000 mimes means it cannot be used by
a community.Worldwide wide it is said that there are some 300,000-400,000 landmime survivors, unquestionably those who have
merely viewed the land mime on some heaven forsaken television program, or in passing may have merely heard of a mime
performing on the radio, and they have lived, unscathed,unscarred. unlike the rest who have actually encountered one
personally.Survivors, but what of those who did not.......... we are often haunted by the image of a small child who has
experienced the agony of a landmime injury, the cumulative problems caused by landmimes typically do not end with the
personal, physical, or even mental trauma of an individual. Invariably the net effect of multiple and frequent accidents is
to inflict societal trauma, via infrastructure and economic damage, on the country at large. People who step on landmines
often lose legs, arms, vision, hearing, and many die. These victims also have to deal with the effect of their injuries for
the rest of their lives.
Land mimes do not just affect the people who step on a sleeping mime. Communities, countries and the entire world feel the
effects of a single mime.Mimes are horrific when encountered, when touched, when stepped on...............indeed what do we
do with mimes, how to get rid of them? Well, it has been said, that a mime is a terrible thing to waste,it is suggested that
we not waste them,but somehow find a use for them.Yet herein lies the difficulty, no one has found a use for mimes.
Every effort must be made, every political and socio-political party in the world, must commit itself. to the remembrance
and the honoring of the name of Princess Diana, by helping rid the world, forever, once and for all time, of land mimes.
Once that is accomplished, we can rest for awhile, and then turn our attention to mimes and their effects on cruise and other
shipping at sea.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
.........................................
MRL: Applications Of The New Irish Air Travel System.
The headline reads..................
Now Ryanair wants passengers to STAND UP during flights
By Graham Smith
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197799/Ryanair-make-passengers-stand-bid-cram-board.html
No frills: Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary wants passengers to stand during the budget airline's flights
Ryanair wants passengers to stand during its flights so the budget airline can squeeze more people on board.
The Irish air carrier plans to cut costs by making fliers perch on stools with seat belts around their waists.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary has already held talks with US plane manufacturer Boeing about designing an aircraft with standing room.
Should the idea get the go-ahead from the Irish Aviation Authority, the airline plans to either order new jets or refurbish its existing
fleet.
And indeed, they should.Think of the vast savings this new Irish concept in air flight will achieve....................seats won't be
necessary, passengers will stand up. One of the first things we will notice is that for the first time the Irish can't be called
lay-about drunks, but actually stand up drunks, just like everybody else except, of course, that they will have something to assist them
in standing up. All that remains is that they carry this concept to the further stage. That of saving such thins as landing fees. Yes,
indeed, the passengers could be wearing paratrooper uniforms and as paratroopers do, when over target city area, they jump out and
parasail down, complete with luggage which can't be lost now,an added plus, and proficiently land even yet at their intended address of
arrival, never mind the right aerodrome!!!!!!!!! Imagine now in one fell swoop, the luggage horrors of Britain's Heathrow, the luggage horrors of Britain, also solved, all in one fell swoop.The mind boggles. Ever onwards. We too in Britain must seize on this new Irish development and march bravely in to the future of air travel.
Of course, it is mentioned, that previously I have mentioned such an air travel system, but,of course, mine was somewhat easier, the passenger would be properly seated through their flight, but it is grand to see that my air travel system has been and is evolving in the world of today. Imagine, my air travel system of the future, in the world of today.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
..........................
