Secret Squirrel And The Weird Scenes Inside The Fat Farm

Secret Squirrel has discovered a great many uses for fat people, for their fat, and at the same time, Squirrel has discovered ways to get them thin again, something they should be wanting to do and become, and all the while they'll be making themselves useful to their society, to their fellow man, to their nation,and once thin, they'll cost society a lot less, and perhaps more importantly to them, they'll be able to get fat again, fat to the extent that they can once again enter in to Squirrel's Fat Farm System,where they will once again be recycled in to that system.....hence, they'll have become,useful to society and at the self same time, environmentally friendly.Consider now that there are actually many little known,hardly advertised,uses for the liposuction fat garnered from fat people.

Here consider that "Liposuction Fat Can Be Turned Into Stem Cells",so a  Study Says,
Using leftovers from liposuction patients, scientists have turned human fat into stem cells, a new study says.The new method is much more efficient than a previous practice that used skin cells, researchers say.Human fat is "an abundant natural resource and a renewable one," said Stanford University plastic surgeon Michael Longaker, whose liposuction patients donated the fat for the study.
Longaker envisions a future in which doctors will be able to use fat from a patient to grow, in a lab, new tissues and organs for that patient.
The reprogrammed cells, called induced pluripotent stem cells, or iPS cells, are capable of turning into most types of cells in the body.Scientists are keen to obtain these cells to study disease and, one day, use them to grow new tissue and replacement organs.Previously, researchers had shown that they could derive this type of stem cell from ordinary skin cells.But the fat technique is about twice as fast and 20 times more efficient, said Joseph Wu, the study's senior author.


Now there's Breast Augmentation Using Fat Injection and Liposuction - An Alternative to Traditional Breast Implants,New Advances in Fat Grafting for Cosmetic Surgery Allow San Diego Plastic Surgeon Dr. Steven Cohen to Perform Breast Augmentation through Fat Injection Under Local Anesthesia
The use of a patient’s fat, and ultimately their fat derived stem and regenerative cells as filler for cosmetic surgery such as breast reconstruction and augmentation, may present a healthier, safer option for breast enhancement in some women. The application of fat also has potential benefits for other areas of aesthetic plastic surgery like breast implant salvage, facial rejuvenation and body contour deformities.Using a new dialysis/filtration technology called PureGraft, a physician can clean and process the fat in a sterile environment without motorized methods. Once fat has been carefully removed by specialized liposuction, done carefully to preserve the stem and regenerative cells, PureGraft technology filters everything but the pure fat tissue.
Some plastic surgeons also use liposuction fat on a limited basis for other types of cosmetic procedures such as breast augmentation, face wrinkle filling, or lip injections; these are also known as fat transfer procedures. Good candidates for fat transfer injections are those with areas of the face or body that could be improved by being significantly filled out in volume. Due to the natural composition of human fat cells, some doctors prefer to use liposuction fat over synthetic injection fillers.

Also Blood Vessels Made From Liposuction Fat Stem Cells From Fat Used to Make Blood Vessels to Repair Damaged Hearts.

Your own fat,or the fat of others, can be used to fill in furrows, lips, acne scarring and hollowed out areas on the face. This procedure has the advantage of being very soft and natural appearing as well as the ability to permanently correct the area it is placed in. Fat is a “filling” substance that can be used in small volumes to fill in most depressions as long as the skin above it can stretch to accommodate it. For example, lips can be made fuller by this technique. This is a procedure done while you are awake using only local anesthesia. Fat is a perfect filler — it is soft and natural feeling by itself. There is no allergic reaction to it, since it comes from your own body. There is even a chance that it will become permanent in the new location!

The Fat Harvest and Transfer procedure takes approximately 1 1/2 hours, and is done under local anesthesia. Excess fat taken out can be frozen for up to 6 months. Injections of frozen fat take a 15 minute appointment.

Recall now a fat powered boat........Eco-boat powered by human fat attempts round the world speed record.
The fastest eco boat on the planet will attempted to break the round the world speed record using fuel made from human fat.

Record breaking attempt: Earthrace  attempted to circumnavigate the globe running 100 per cent biodiesel, and with a net zero carbon-footprint.
Earthrace is a 78 foot alternative fuel powered wave-piercing trimaran, it can carry 3,000 gallons of fuel, and weighs 23 tonnes when fully fuelled. Demonstrating further commitment to the cause, Bethune underwent liposuction and donated enough to produce 100ml of biofuel, while two other, larger volunteers also had the procedure, making a total of 10 litres of human fat.
This in turn produced seven litres of biofuel, which could help the boat travel about 15km.
Earthrace is fuelled on 100 per cent biodiesel and has a net zero carbon footprint.
Pete Bethune, the New Zealand skipper of Earthrace, believes the boat can help advance biodiesel as a genuinely viable alternative to petroleum diesel.

Also now recall how a Liposuction Doctor Used Fat from Patients to Power His Car.
It sounds like a great idea, actually: Take the excess body fat from liposuction patients and use it to power your car. That's what a Beverly Hills doctor figured, and he even bragged about it on his website LipoDiesel.com (now shut down). It even sounds like a California trend: Get thin and reduce America's dependence on foreign oil all at the same time!
So now Dr. Alan Bittner's clinic is closed, and liposuction patients have to get their fat sucked out somewhere else. So where, exactly, does all that excess body fat go from liposuction clinics? If you saw Fight Club, you might recall the main characters rendering the body fat into high explosives. I like the Lipodiesel idea better, because it puts the excess body fuel towards a more productive use.
Instead of shutting down this operation, the state of California should embrace it. Why not do a joint venture with McDonalds? "Eat a Big Mac. You'll get a smile, and your car goes another mile!"
Besides, a nation full of fat people could serve as a reserve oil supply. If the Arab nations stop shipping us barrels oil, we can just start tapping into the population to power our cars with liposuction fat. And if we run out of body fat to process into diesel fuel, we can always eat more, right? Eating more junk food might actually become patriotic: "Snarf down some burgers and fries for your nation's energy independence!" Talk about Freedom Fries, huh?

Don't laugh, because I'm not making this up, but the human body stores so much energy that the town of Helsingborg, Sweden, uses the heat from local crematoriums to generate about 10 percent of the heat used its homes. Technically speaking, it would be a very simple matter for crematoriums to power steam turbines that generate electricity.


Think about it:

* Biofuel from human fat cells can power cars, trucks, even power plants themselves
* Free Liposuction! Mass liposuction at a given weight for the entire population
* These "biological fuel stores" will be "sheared like sheep" at a given interval to keep energy supplies up
* "Fatties" will no longer be a negative term; the obese will be regarded as patriotic as they fuel our nation and become an essential part of our nation's infrastructure
* Obesity "Epidemic" coverage would disappear as people would be proud of their bulkier humankind
* Fast Food would be encouraged
* Clothes industry would expand, making dual sizes - full and empty
* Diet pyramid schemes would disappear overnight

Now, If one weighed about 200lbs. It would only take about 4 months to get  up to 300. If they sucked out a third of the body fat at 300 pounds, he could be back at 200 in about the same time. Considering the fact that  body fat would be used for energy, it seems like a great trade-off.
Besides, with that kind of energy return, who wouldn't want the U.S. government to invest in such a bold plan,what of the U.K. government,would they realize the sense and sensibility in such a plan as I propose,or would they cover and retreat to their ink and incapability?

After all, America IS the land of opportunity,why then not too the U.K.?

Now how to do it,concentrate large numbers of fat people in one place, a fat camp, using abandoned refurbed British nut houses and in America, abandoned US prisons.Imagine what I,errr we, could offer An All-Inclusive Fat Farm Summer Package for example, and for the more burgeoise of Fat Men, year round stays possible.Now we offer an attractive all-inclusive package to fat camp this summer. We can even yet charge them,say just $3,000 per person, for four wonderful weeks in serene paradise, while they focus on improving their body,by liposuction. We'll let them know that their packages are not your typical hamster wheel fat farms,where the fatties work treadmills turning electrical energy generators, no siree. If you want to loose a few pounds this camp is all about packing on as much extra lard as possible,and then having it liposuctioned off,for free.The Fat Farm's motto.........?"Know Fat! Know Good!Now Fat!Now Good!No Fat! No Good! The package includes a money-back guarantee.

After a complimentary welcome party and a twelve course "getting to know each other" meal, you will be assigned a personal chef/waiter/maid/masseuse. These sexy boys/girls,dependent on your inclination,in America we can even yet throw in some learning Senatorial interns.
Instead of canoeing or playing volleyball, you'll be lounging in front of a wide screen TV, eating all the buffalo wings, buttered popcorn, enchiladas, and guacamole you can handle. All-Inclusive means unlimited beverages, so feel free to order a tub of double thick chocolate milkshakes or a barrel of Margaritas.

While most places offer an arts and crafts tent,ours stocks a dessert room,a free buffet,all you really can eat. No need to make an appointment, just stop by and stuff your face whenever you feel like it. If you have a craving for chocolate mousse topped with double-stuffed Mallows at four o'clock in the morning, don't worry, the dessert room will be there for you.

If you do feel like exercising, lumber on over to the Olympic-sized swimming pool. The pool is refilled each day with a different tasty treat. Some days you'll be doing laps through butterscotch pudding, and other days you'll be in dog paddle heaven, swimming through lemon meringue.

 The counselors are there to help; they want you to reach your full potential and be as huge as you can be,we will even yet use the french method of feeding you, just as they feed geese and ducks they fatten for pate de fois gras, of which you will also be happily supplied with free a la carte,buffet at no charge what so ever,force feeding is always an option.

During your stay you will be treated to a series of motivational speakers, each telling their personal body stretching story. These stories of drive and determination will make you go for the gold, or at least for another platter of extra cheesy lasagna.
Here we have an interesting video of a typical dining room scene, they will be shown this and told it could be you...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXH_12QWWg8

And they will be told that early and frequent early liposuction prevents this from happening.......
Of course, if the fat people just won't come around to being made useful members of society,and certainly useful they have proven to be by the many modern uses of liposuction, well, then perhaps we'll just have to construct railways to the places, and simply........round'em up.

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Says,In The 60's It Was Flower Power, Consider Now....FAT POWER!!

If you have ever been curious about how much power can be generated while running on a treadmill, you will now easily find out. Power is defined as the rate at which you burn energy. As long as you know how much energy you burn in a given amount of time--something most modern treadmills can estimate for you--you can calculate your average power output during your workout. The calculation will require a few steps and unit conversions, but is relatively simple overall.

Firstly set up your treadmill to count the calories you burn during your workout. Usually, you will be asked to enter your age, height and weight to enhance the accuracy of the calorie counter. Consult your treadmill's manual for detailed instructions on how to do this.

Now complete the workout for which you want to calculate your power output. For example, consider a half-hour workout during which you burn 800 calories.

Next convert the calories to joules, the scientific unit of energy that will be required to calculate power in watts. Keep in mind that the capitalized "Calories" displayed on your treadmill--and on the nutrition labels of foods for that matter--are actually kilocalories. There are 4,186 joules in a kilocalorie, so the calculation to convert 800 kilocalories to joules would look like this:

800 kilocalories x 4186 joules / kilocalorie = 3,348,800 joules

Calculate your power output by dividing the energy you burned by the amount of time, in seconds, it took you to burn it. There are 1800 seconds in your half-hour workout, so:3,348,800 joules / 1800 seconds = 1860.4 joules per second = 1860.4 watts.Your average power output during your half-hour workout was 1860.4 watts, or 1860.4 joules per second.

Now Convert watts to horsepower, if you like, by dividing the wattage by 745.8, the number of watts in a horsepower. For example:1860.4 watts / (745.8 watts per horsepower) = 2.5 horsepower

Pretty good isn't that. Imagine if the fatman was converted to farmwork to pull a plow, he would be only really asked to do the work of either a one horse plow, or at worst case sceneario, a two horse team........conceiveably they,the fat people,the obese,the lards or whatever you would,could and do call them, could be employed on farms as a much cheaper alternative to a tractor,Mennonites,The Amish, The Pennsylvania Dutch could be rented these lards to apply them to plowing the fields by a completely acceptable, non mechanical means of plowing.........in exchange for room and board...........and...............food.

But there's more to things than that, on said treadmill each fatman could have their treadmill hooked such as to power an electrical generator and so contribute to the electrical Grid,creating electrical energy,electricity.

A large amount of fatties in a local gym scenario could provide a vast amount of electrical generated energy to contribute to the local power grids a specific workout times.A specific comic strip,Dilbert mentioned something in the scenario of.....

"Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that energy companies will place huge hamster wheels outside of convenience stores and offer free lottery tickets to people who spend five minutes running in them. The hamster wheels will be connected to power generators.
        - The Dilbert Future "

Well they're somewhat in the ball park as to a working idea, just their idea of using lottery tickets to attract those to turn the hamster wheel treadmills.........rather t'is better to use the fatman, nicht whar.......indeed even yet to legislate that those above a certain BMI must report to local hamsterwheel or treadmill fat generating stations at specific times of the day, the time and time on a
treadmill determined by specific BMI mass being at a certain point above normal levels.Indeed local Health Centers could be employed as such for their treadmiils, everybody else continuing to exercise as normal on other apparatus at their leisure(they are also referred to as leisure centers as so would most definitly be in that regard.),but the local certers would become readily online energy adding
stations to a local power grid, making fat people useful members of society.
I realized there was a great use and need for fat people,in modern society, uses such that they would be employed properly, without actually abusing them, helping them,as it were?Yes, indeed, and this is an idea that occurred to me as I visited the local "fat" farm, the exercise,den of iniquity, at least from the point of view of the fat, which was strangely visited only by the thin,the lean, the slim, who
wished to stay so. Consider now, a power plant with water wheels and the people run in them like hamsters---> benefits= loss of weight and power saving, people dont get mad...pay them to loose weight whilst adding energy to the world.these people them supplying America with free energy. How much energy? A lot of free energy! There are 3,500 calories in 1 pound of bodyweight. An average obese man weighing at a modest 300lbs. will contain 1,050,000 calories. Since there are 14,644 Joules in 3500 calories, a 300lbs person can provide over 4,393,200 Joules(4,393.2 KJ) of pure energy. One kilo-joule per second equates to one kilo-watt. The average U.S. household uses one kilo-watt of energy every second. Therefore, 4,393.2 KJ/60 seconds amounts to over 73.22 minutes of power for the average U.S. household. So that fat guy you see eating a sandwich at work can potentially power your whole house for over an hour.HEALTH and energy chiefs need to consider Squirrel's plan to make fat people power turbines by forcing them to run in giant hamster wheels,turning suitable electrical generators, thus contributing to any particular city's power grid!!
Now in Denmark, ponder this........Danish Hotel Pays Its Guests to Generate Electricity on Exercise Bikes
Just 15 minutes of cycling can produce 10 watt-hours of electricity, and earn you a free meal.Bored guests at a certain Crowne Plaza hotel can now skip the pricey mini-bar and hop on an exercise bike, generate some electricity, and earn some meal vouchers. The hotel in Copenhagen started the free meal idea as a way to boost guests' fitness and shrink their carbon footprint, according to the BBC.
The bikes are hooked up to generators that require guests of average fitness to pedal for about 15 minutes to create 10 watt-hours of electricity. iPhones attached to the handlebars display the amount of power being generated.

Hitting the 15-minute mark earns lucky exercisers a $36 meal voucher, and that's presumably on a repeatable reward system.Now what about making tha manditory for Fatties, yes, indeed, making them work to generate electricity, making them literally pimp themselves, to work for food they actually earn whilst generating energy for elecricty to be added to the naytion's power grid! This can be adapted to the Helath Center Eergy Generating Sections, such that the Fat People so "employed" to generate electricity, will also have to generate electricity to EARN their keep, to pay for their food at mealtime.A capital idea eh whot! Don't feel sorry for them, no...consider the famous words........“Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of
chocolate cake.”
- Anonymous

Yes, an all round jolly good show! Fat people at work for society! Loosing weight contributing to society!Generating lost of free elecrictity! Whilst helping themsleves and loosing wieght! Yes, and the generating electricity so that they can eat,and KEEP they fat they so desire! Amazingly and interestingly and useful vicious cycle!
Remember the words of Mike Meyers FAT BASTARD.....
"I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."
That'll change to
"I generate electrcity because I'm fat, to loose weight, I generate electricity to gain money to eat, to keep me fat.It's a vicious cycle."
But..................society benefits.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Dances With Fat.

Secret Squirrel here enters the great quandry of the fat of the lands. The issue of these has arisen in
America, where the New York mayor has banned large soft drink sales as creating fat people, in that he believes that they have made Americans fat, particularly New Yorkers, so he wishes to, and has,banned these large soft drinks in efforts to prevent more American getting fat(some use the term obese,but
it's all the same really). Now, this has been further amplified by Michelle Obama who has decided that candy bars(chocos or whatever), are too large, and the large size ones are making American fat so she has been after the candy bar companies to eliminate the king size bars, the large size bars, and so produce only small sized bars. Well face it, they have seen the problem of fat people. Clearly there is a problem,take airline seats, fat people spill over in to the next seats, and so most require two seats, and the airlines responded by charging the obese for the two seats they take up.  Recently, MOST U.S. air carriers have announced new or newly-enforced policies that apply to what they discreetly call “passengers of size” or “passengers requiring extra space.” The terminology is polite, but the policies are, for the most part, straightforward. If, when you sit down in your airplane seat, you need a seatbelt extender (or a second one, in at least one case) or you can’t lower both armrests, you will be asked to pay for a second seat unless extra space is available somewhere onboard the aircraft.

There is still a problem, however,on emergency evacuation of an aircraft,imagine being behind such a fatty, and said fatty trying to squeeze through the wing window evacuation exit..........face it, they'll just never make it, nor will you.Some airlines have vetted some fat people, and simply deemed them too fat to fly,with a view towards the safety of said aircraft and passengers.Note also it costs considerably more to fly fat people about, they cost in terms of precious and expensive aviation fuels.

Now consider costs, at $42/passenger in a 137 seat SWA 737, for example, would be $5754 in jet fuel. At your $2.10/gal figure that's 2740 gallons or 18,358 pounds. That's enough fuel to fly a 737 for over 3½ hours including flying the weight of the airplane, bags, cargo, etc.This article reports that airlines average 49 revenue-passenger-miles per gallon of jet fuel. That's about 20 gallons per 1K miles/pax. Jet juel is about $2.10/gallon recently, so $42/pax/1K miles.If the average pax + bags weighs 200 lbs, that's 21 cents per pound/1K miles.

The last 20,000 pounds of payload requires an extra 5,000 pounds of fuel to maintain a constant range of 3,300 nautical miles. (In other words, starting from a 100,000 pound payload, we add 20,000 more pounds to get the marginal difference for the 120,000 pound maximum payload. The chart shows that the extra 20,000 pound payload adds 25,000 pounds to the gross weight, therefore an extra 5,000 pounds of fuel was required.)

So, if a passenger has a total weight of 200 pounds, including baggage, that would require 50 pounds of extra fuel. Roughly.Oh, by the way, my calculation neglected to mention that it takes a little under 100,000 pounds of fuel to fly the plane with no payload. So each passenger is also reponsible for their
share of that 100,000 pounds.If we convert the nautical miles to real miles we get about 3,800 miles. Jet fuel weighs 5.2 pounds per gallon, which I'l calculate at 5 pounds per gallon.

So it takes 10 gallons of fuel to transport 200 pounds 3,800 miles. It takes 1.3 gallons of fuel to transport 100 pounds 1,000 miles. By my calculation, it takes 1.664 ounces, more or less, to transport 1 pound of weight 1,000 miles. If we calculate the cost of jet fuel at $2.50 per gallon, then the cost to carry one pound 1,000 miles is 4.16 cents, at least on a 777.

I did a little research  regarding the fuel cost of flying to LAX (one way). Note that the cost will vary from aircraft type to type, so I have included the different equipment that AA flies (though you might be hard pressed to get on a 767-200 from DFW to LAX (you could from JFK or Boston) or an Airbus A300 to fly to LAX period). The assumptions are as follows:

*All flights are 185 minutes (this is pretty much true per Sabre, our reservations software). Note that some equipment are much faster, but the scheduled (block) times are the same. (777 is about 555MPH, and MD80 is about 490 MPH).
*The carried weight is 200 lbs (this would be a 170# person with a 30# carryon bag). Of course, you can scale up or down, but that is "typical".
*The data I used is to compute the benefit of taking off x#; and I assume sufficiently straight slope to apply in negative direction.
*Today, Jet fuel is $90.30 per barrel. At 30 gallons per BBL, that works out to $3.01/gallon.

(B=Boeing, A=Airbus, PAX = number of passengers, Max)

Code:

Equipment  Gallons      Cost          4oz              PAX   Everybody
B777        17.76        $53.47        6.7 cents       245    $16.38
B767-300    19.88        $59.82        7.5             225     16.83
B767-200    20.74        $62.43        7.8             167     13.03
B757TW*     21.86        $65.80        8.2             188     15.46
B757**      21.94        $66.03        8.3             188     15.52
A300        22.78        $68.56        8.6             268     22.97
B737-800    23.13        $69.61        8.7             148     12.88
MD80        32.84        $98.85       12.4             140     17.30


You'll note that it only costs $53.50 to fly you to LAX on a 777, whereas it costs nearly twice as much ($99) to fly you there on an MD80!!!

If a person went to the bathroom before boarding the flight, he or she might lose 4 oz (average). The 4 oz column is the savings of just one person going to the bathroom. If everyone went to the bathroom we could save up to $23 on that one flight (actually, it would be more if I added the crew). If everyone went to the bathroom before each flight, American would save $3.1 million annually, based upon 85% full planes. So, the next time you prepare to board a flight, ask yourself, "Can I go to the bathroom first?",at home, or in the terminal.It doesn't count to piss in the aircraft toilet,nor,as Gerard Depardieu does, on aircraft floors.  In short consider this, having airline fares calucated .

1) According to the space they take up, as in if they require two or three seats they must pay per seat occupied.

Also, consider this, have the pay an additional fee, bassed on their BMI, the body mass index,charging them more for their overwieght, this would be fair to all those passengers all round, the thinner,those there for carrying less weight, costing less aviation fuel, far less.conversely anorexics could fly for half price under Squirrel's new set of recommendations............What about the people who pay more in spite of their size? Who will step up to defend the rights of the small and the shrimpy? The pipsqueaks? The runts?The transportation industry is also a bastion of slim discrimination, with planes, trains and busses seemingly forgetting that e=mc2: it takes twice as much fuel to transport a 200-pound person than it does a 100-pound person, yet the smaller person must always pay the same ticket price.Changing how we pay for airfare could improve the lives of everyone who travels by air. Let me propose one big improvement. Instead of the flat per-seat fare (plus extra fees for checked baggage), charge each passenger for the total weight he/she contributes to the weight of the plane. That's body weight plus luggage weight.

Charge by the pound. UPS and FedEx do it, and so do professional moving companies. Airlines should do it too. Charging by the pound is not a crazy idea. In fact, if you want to see something crazy, just watch chaos at the TSA screening for a couple of minutes. Aside from being what moving companies do, there are plenty of other reasons to charge per passenger-pound.

Why would this improve the way we fly?

Airlines started charging for bags to save on fuel costs. All those bags weigh a lot, and they cost quite a bit to move. Therefore, it makes sense that they should try to put a price on weighing the plane down. It's expensive! But, does charging for bags really put a price on the right thing?

Take an example. A 230-pound person with a 10-pound bag (240 pounds) burns more fuel than a 120-pound person with 60-pounds of luggage (180 pounds). By the fuel-saving logic, the airlines should charge the big person more, but if you have flown lately, you know that the second person pays more. In other words, if the airlines are trying to price the weight of the plane, they're doing it wrong.

In my per-passenger-pound pricing scheme, the airline can still change the price over time to respond to demand and supply for flights. They could even incorporate the estimated weight of passengers who already booked their tickets on the flight. That's new and useful information that the airlines do not have under the current scheme.

Moreover, the airline that is first to adopt this strategy can push the pounds (and therefore, fuel costs) onto the other airlines. The 150-pound light packers are going to fly with the per-passenger-pound airline, but the 300-pound people with big bags will fly where their weight doesn't cost them. At least before the other airlines switch to per-passenger pound pricing, this means big cost savings for the first airline to switch. And, some of those savings can be passed onto the passengers in the form of lower fares.

Not everyone will benefit, but that's not all bad.

If you are overweight, I have little sympathy. A 300-pound person requires twice as much fuel to move from New York to Denver as a 150-pound person. On the basis of resources used, they should pay almost twice as much for the flight. Doesn't that make the status quo seem unfair?The bus trips, train tickets and flight coupons of small people always cost as much as those of larger people despite the fact that we requires less fuel and energy to transportsmaller mass almost always requires fewer materials than people who have a larger mass, but this is rarely accounted for. Like most small people, my entire life I have had to pay the same prices for goods and services as everyone else, even though my needs require less space, less time and fewer resources.Some airlines will charge you an extra fee if you’re over a certain weight, and it may surprise you to know that I agree with it. They will charge if you have extra heavy bags or one too many, and no one squawks about discrimination then. Weight is weight, and if you’re really, really heavy and want to fly, then you have to be prepared for more discomfort (and possibly costs) than others. It is not the norm, and it’s your own responsibility to let the airline know it might be an issue. It sucks, but there it is, so you deal. Seat prices are based on a constantly changing average amount of costs, and that includes passenger size.

Now let's be accomodating,let's consider a new policy, Dances With Fat. Let's create and design NEW airliners, airliners to accomodate fat people, in their own section of the airplane,away from everybody else.Indeed,yes, FAT CLASS. Seats specially large to accomodate various sizes of FAT people, and only fat people, in their own entirely isolated FAT SECTION,FAT CLASS........and they'll have their own emergency exit and chutes as well, albeit that will necessitate actual cargo doors in the sides of their speical isolated compartment.Adding this to all of the above, makes this safe for thin people,for slim people,the anorexics as well.

Some airlines, such as Ryan air, have pondered new ways to move many passengers cheaply about.Ryan has suggested it might try strap hanger passengers, the passengers would simply stand and hold on to straps for the entire flight. Well, consider, say, the ridiculous flying fat man, Gerard Depardieu,imagine him as a strap hanger. Imagine now the airplane encounteriung turbulence, why the lad would swing wildly about like a huge wrecking ball,smashing to pieces everyone round and about his pendulous circumference.If Ryan air would ever go to such a system, they would most definately have to ban such as those from the aircraft.Indeed the Air Ministry would have to step in an impose such a ban.They also envisaged passengers sitting not in seats, but on benchs either configured as airline seats presently are, or sideways as most military jets have. Why here there would be a problem as the fat man would not be contained as he would be buy an airline seat, and he would fall backwards or forwards crushing those in crash situations, or turbluence, or do the same to either side of him in the sideways seat scenario.

Mostly positively our exampled fat man, would be a dangerous threat to the safety of his fellow passengers would he be ever allowed to board such an aircraft. Kevin Smith, famous Hollywood director (he directed Clerks and Chasing Amy) is a very large man, and he was thrown off a Southwest flight from Oakland to Burbank because the crew decided he was too big.But why single out that unpleasantness to punish? Why would being seated next to a fat person worse than sitting next to someone who obviously has not bathed in several days, or hasn't brushed his teeth in what smells like a week? Or someone who talks constantly while you are trying to read or sleep?

I think that overweight people receive a special opprobrium, because we regard their obesity as a moral failing, evidence of lack of self-control. We're a culture that doesn't particularly like any visible sign of appetite.

On the buses the fatties are a problem as well.....they simply don't fit you know.There also there is a cost of transport problem, they cost much more to move their bulk about than do the thin people,most assuredly, but there are other costly problems developing.In the country that invented obesity along with their fat-saturated fast food, the US Federal Transit Authority proposes raising the assumed average weight per bus passenger from 68 kilos to 80 kilos which will result in fewer people being allowed on each city transit bus.

They say the average American bus rider is now tipping the scale at more than 90 kilos but current federal guidelines on average bus passenger weight are based on surveys in 1960-62 of what Americans weighed then.The transit authority, which regulates how much weight a bus can carry, also proposes adding an 12 centimetres of floor space per passenger “to acknowledge the expanding girth of the average passenger.”

One result is that bus design companies are also going to have to study how the problem could alter bus designs,which means costlier buses.They say that with such heavier people using the buses, one of their safety concerns is the increased possibility of the bus rolling over on sharp turns.

The price of gas in the US has seen increases in bus use – but very fat people also have problems fitting behind the car wheel so may opt for a bus instead.It’s not just passengers getting too fat. Fat bus drivers are also under scrutiny.In some parts of the UK, for example, overweight bus drivers have been asked to get fit amid fears they are so fat they will break their seats.

Some ideas to help solve the problem
    - instead of bike racks on the fronts of buses, have fat people cages
    - have a set of scales at the front of the bus, and your fare is weight dependant
    - have a set of scales at the front of the bus, and an alarm to go off, alarm goes off.too fat to board.Face it even horseback ride shave weight limits for the safety and protection of the horses, it's humane you know,even PETA deamnds it.

So far these fatties have been molly coddled.It is almost as if society is rewarding people for gluttony and self-indulgence and people who look after their health and weight have to pay for that. Hospitals are now required to purchase larger beds at an exorbitant cost to accommodate the obese, to the detriment of normal sized citizens who are missing out on health care because of the cost of providing health care to the obese. The attitude of the overweight is one where they believe they should have the comfortable seat when at a party, the food has to be in reaching distance of them, they think airlines should provide larger seats at the same price as economy, they think that others should get up and wait on them and fetch things for them because it’s too inconvenient for them to get off their butt, huge people have taken up more than one seat on boat rides to the detriment of other paying customers, and obese people on planes take up the seat space of the person next to them (who have paid the same price for their seat) and now are missing out on their own comfort and are required to accommodate the obese with no choice in the matter.


Now are there uses for fat people, uses such that they would be employed properly, without actually abusing them, helping them,as it were?Yes, indeed, and this is an idea that occured to me as I vistied the local "fat" farm, the exercise,den of iniquity, at least from the point of view of the fat, which was strangely visited only by the thin,the lean, the slim, who wished to stay so. Consider now, a power plant with water wheels and the people run in them like hamsters---> benefits= loss of weight and power saving (people dont get mad.... this is how satire works).pay them to loose weoight whilst adding energy to the world.these people them supplying America with free energy. How much energy? A lot of free energy! There are 3,500 calories in 1 pound of bodyweight. An average obese man weighing at a modest 300lbs. will contain 1,050,000 calories. Since there are 14,644 Joules in 3500 calories, a 300lbs person can provide over 4,393,200 Joules(4,393.2 KJ) of pure energy. One kilo-joule per second equates to one kilo-watt. The average U.S. household uses one kilo-watt of energy every second. Therefore, 4,393.2 KJ/60 seconds amounts to over 73.22 minutes of power for the average U.S. household. So that fat guy you see eating a sandwich at work can potentially power your whole house for over an hour.HEALTH and energy chiefs need to consider Squirrel's plan  to make fat people power turbines by forcing them to run in giant hamster wheels,turning suitable electrical generators, thus contributing to any particular city's power grid!!Fat people do contribute, in other ways though, to the economy as it were, providing jobs as it were.In the U.S, nearly 9.7 out of every 10 people are considered obese,who have never met a doughnut they’ve never liked.Traditionally, obesity has been a sign of wealth and power.Obesity, money, and power go hand in hand. If you have all three, you’re definitely living the American dream,that although obesity, and its catastrophic effects put a strain,for example, on the Health budget, this figure paled into insignificance when it was taken into account that the yearly consumption of delicious candy and choco Bars alone, generates  revenue for the sweet shop industry.

The Health sector, itself, benefits from the services of  members of staff employed specifically to operate on, and subsequently provide aftercare for, porkers who have undergone major stapling surgery,liposuctions and various other fat reducing surgeries.Companies like McDonalds and Burger King could not function without the gluttonous patronage of the weightily-challenged, and more  people in Britain eke out a living serving fast food to fat fools.Companies like McDonalds and Burger King could not function without the gluttonous patronage of the weightily-challenged, and more than 50,000 people in Britain eke out a living serving fast food to fat fools."These human circus tents are the mainstay of our economy. They are what makes nations great. Without them, the country would be a poorer, not to mention thinner, place. We should be proud of them and feed them whenever they look hungry - a bit like throwing a bun to an elephant at the zoo."

Obesity has become one of the number one causes of death in the United States. In the last 20 years alone there has been a dramatic increase. Nearly 64% of adults in the U.S. are either overweight or obese. This is just ridiculous,  one of the fattest countries in the world,yet the fat is not being taken advantage of quite sufficiently.

An obese Michigan man, was seen transporting a large volume of food across a busy Cloverdale street last week. It was unclear why he  would require additional food, since his bloated body already carried enough stored fat to easily sustain him for months,yet he persisted in buying and consuming more food, than using what he'd already stored up.clearly gluttony.

Scientists were shocked to discover that fat persons often eat more than thinner persons.
 Do large people eat more to support their massive bodies or does eating make you large. It's a puzzle."

But one thing that isn't a puzzle, the government(s),don't approve of fat and wish people to reduce their fat, their obesity.Well,they can't succeed in introducing and obesity prohibition, really, but they can ,for the good of society,and the rest of it, tax it.Yes, also intrdouce a FAT TAX, a FAT INCOME TAX, a surcharge on income tax, introduce a FAT TAX based on the BMI, the Body Mass Index, those being fatter than their recommended BMI, must pay a tax proportional to their actual in excess of BMI.Thus all of the rest of us, through the government taxing FAT,and thence employing and spending that tax for the good of society,in social services and whatever else,(in the case of America, that would be spent on wars directed at foreign lands), can thence be said to, finally, be living off the fat of the land.


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Says We Must Keep The Right And Proper Bully.

     Secret Squirrel has taken great umbrage at what he has found to be ocurring, the attempts to ban, bully,bullies,bullying. Nay indeed Squirrel soundly supports the bully,the bullying in all its forms. Why let us now look at what they are actually attempting to intellectually ban,what the reality of what they wish to ban actually is! Firstly we will look at the term,and definition, and we shall the look at what it is they are attempting to actually ban!

Bully
bul·ly/'bo?ole/
vb   , -lies, -lying, -lied 
According to English Collins Dictionary.

a procurer; pimp

a fine fellow or friend

a sweetheart; darling 
      vb   , -lies, -lying, -lied 

dashing; jolly  my bully boy    

very good; fine 
      interj 
(Also)    bully for you, him, etc 

Informal   well done! bravo! 

bully   n any of various small freshwater fishes of the genera Gobiomorphus and Philynodon of New Zealand,   

bully beef 
      n   tinned corned beef,   (Often shortened to)    bully        
     (bully, anglicized version of French bouilli, from boeuf bouilli boiled beef) 

bully-off     (Hockey) 
      n 
1    a method by which a game is restarted after a stoppage. Two opposing players stand with the ball

between them and alternately strike their sticks together and against the ground three times before trying to hit the ball 
      vb 

2   bully off     intr, adv   to restart play after a stoppage with a bully-off,   (Often shortened to)

   bully      Compare     ?   face-off 
     (perhaps from bully scrum in Eton football; of unknown origin) 

bully pulpit n. dominant position, use of an office with power and influence ...

So here we have bully,bullies,bullied etc etc etc etc which, et all the "public" seems to be against, or at least the press tells the public ,they,the people, etc are against... bullies................all bullies....well just look at it all.........where would we be without bullies? Why certainly up the creek without a paddle,and nowadays things being as they are, that creek is really a sewage and sludge channel isn't it? And,well, right you are. And the press are wrong.Lets look at it all, where we would
be without bullies.

Now firstly, procurer,pimp.Whatever do these do?well now....a procurer,a pimp, they go arm in arm, with the women of the night of the day, and all days, and all down through history as well, starting with and in the bible.......indeed the procurer finds business for the said woman, finds clients,he pimps....A pimp is an agent for prostitutes who collects part of their earnings. This act is called procuring. The pimp may receive this money in return for advertising services, physical protection, or for providing, and possibly monopolizing, a location where she may engage clients.Like prostitution, the legality of certain actions of a madam or a pimp vary from one region to the next. Pimps may punish johns for physical abuse or failure to pay, advertise services to potential clients without alerting police, and enforce exclusive rights to 'turf' where their prostitutes may advertise and operate with
less competition.In short, the enterprising lad is a combination of advertising executive,lawyer, and constable for the girls.And, he's there when they need him. Clearly the girl would have much less business and a much more difficult time of things.

Next, a fine fellow, and a friend.Well it wouldn't do to outlaw,ban, ones friends, nor fine fellows.Nay indeed.We would be very bored in our old boys clubs.Also our times at the pubs with the fine fellows, and friends, would be nixed..............we'd be skint bored to distraction I dare say.

Now a sweetheart, a darling. Ban these? oh dear, whatever would we do with our time when we weren't at the Old Boys, playing cards, nor at the pub, just wouldn't do.Nay, no lacey entertainment.Nay indeed bully for me,bully for you,good for us, and may we all enjoy in return a ruddy great bullying too.Obviously for us there are quite a few we'd certainly appreciate as bullies, and enjoy a great time
bullying them as well, eh whot!


    Now, as for the dashing, the jolly, the bully boys.........what'd the world be without bully boys, the boys of the clubs,pubs and sports.Not a good thing to ban those.

And now what of not even yet bullying, the saying of bully for a good job at sport or whatever.Why words of encouragement and congratulations are always and should be always, in good direct order. No bullying must not be banned.

Bully pulpit, a public office or other position of authority of sufficiently high rank that provides the holder with an opportunity to speak out and be listened to on any matter.why this would do in public speaking events, speeches challenging government, and councils...why it would positively do in Hyde Park, perhaps England's finest and most cherished and sacred institution,nay.............would
diminish,remove,revoke, the very thing we require in our society, the voice of opposition, the opinion of everyman.Nay, no to the banning of bullying.Most definitly.

Now there are also fresh water fish, bullies, and we all know it just wouldn't do to ban such fine fare, nay not food, and there's the added plus of consumed fish fending off,preventing, things like alzheimer's,.dementia.........nay the bullies must remain for the common good of all.

Still on food, eh whot not? Bully beef, now banning such a fine thing as bully beef,nay,just not right and proper, such fine fare it is at the pub, the Old Boys Club, or even yet for those most fortunate, to have it at the din dins table at home eh whot! Silly thing, ban bully beef. Ban bullied beef, ? Nay there must be yet more bullying, all round.

Now there are yet other terms defined as bully and associated,here consider......

bully-off     (Hockey) 
      n 
1    a method by which a game is restarted after a stoppage. Two opposing players stand with the ball between them and alternately strike their sticks together and against the ground three times before trying to hit the ball 
      vb 
2   bully off 
    intr, adv   to restart play after a stoppage with a bully-off,   (Often shortened to)    bully    

Compare     ?   face-off  ( perhaps from bully scrum in Eton football; of unknown origin)

Now ban bully,ban bullies, ban bullying, why just look at the effect this would have on sport.Canadians could never play ice hockey, the game could never start, nor restart those in effect after the time of a bullying ban.'Course this affects our hockey as well, what the ignorant colonists calls field hockey, but which is in reality truly hockey, and is known as such,not ice hockey as ice hockey came to be
played on ice so required a modification of its name nature. And what, no bully off, why there would just be no further rugby, game could never be restarted,resumed,continued, be rather a short minute match without it, just alter the nature of the game beyond belief.

Why those that ban bully,bullying,bullies, why they're just a renegade band of yobs, whimpering little ponsies, effeminate scrotum fluff who'd do themselves in at insults,barbs,epithets.Why just imagine them in a war, why the enemy would merely set up loudspeakers and shout words at the bobos,the retards and the silly little gits would snuff themselves rather than do anything else. Nay, just isn't a sound
idea, t'is an idea born out of those of ignorance, and low intelligence.Whimpering pansies the lot,ridiculous deviants,those with tiny if any twaddles.There's nothing wrong with them that reincarnation wouldn't cure.Why for them simply calling them names would result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,and words are not enough to degrade and deride them for attempting to ban the term and terms associated with bully and bullying! Bully!Bully! Bully for you!Bully for Squirrel!Bully!Bully!Bully for us all! Squirrel says Bully is for all reasons,Bully is for all seasons!

Let us have none of this banning bully stuff!Bully!


Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Proposes The Choco Bar As Currency.

Secret Squirrel has come upon chocolate, become fascinated by it, in more ways than one, besides liking it.Chocolate has quite an interesting history, not that we'll go in to ALL of it, be we will touch base with some of it.

In France, chocolate was a state monopoly.
According to legend, the French court’s love of chocolate was sealed when its new, self-confessed chocoholic queen, Anne of Austria (daughter of King Philip III of Spain), married Louis XIII in 1615(She and he were 11 at the time).Chocolate became an instant status symbol, and by decree, no one but members of the French aristocracy were allowed to drink it.

In England, anyone with money could drink chocolate.
The first chocolate house opened in London in 1657. Like coffee shops, which became popular much later, chocolate houses were places to enjoy a hot drink, discuss politics, socialize, and gamble.Many chocolate houses admitted only men. Others were open to anyone who could afford the entrance fee.

In countries like Ghana and Ivory Coast, people rarely eat chocolate because it is worth more to them as a trade product than as a food.
Well Candy is dandy, and at times even yet money..........here consider.......In the decades after WWII, Italy had some serious money problems: bills with so many zeros they make your eyes swim. And small change? It was just too crazy. The smallest bill was 500 lira. 5 lira coins and 10 lira coins, valued at less than a penny, were hardly worth the trouble, but many kinds of purchases ended up with these small amounts in play. The mint couldn’t keep enough coins in circulation to meet the need for small shops. So most of the time, when you went to buy groceries or
a pack of kleenex or a newspaper, you’d pay with a bill and get your change in, well, stuff. I got bandaids once, and a pencil another time. But the most popular alternative was candy.

This seemed quaint and charming to me at the time,  a happy traveler just passing through. But there were problems. Because it turns out that although the shop can give you candy as change, they are unlikely to accept candy as credit toward the purchase of something else.  Modern economies depend on MONEY as a single currency of exchange in every direction. Candy just doesn’t do.

Well, Italy solved its problem when everybody joined the Union and the Euro took the place of their desperate currency in 2002.  But it turns out that the candy money problem pops up in other places as well.

For example: in Indonesia, a recent study revealed that 10 percent of the country’s retailers are giving change in candy. This has evidently been a long standing problem. In  July, the retailers association agreed to stop doing the candy thing, and use only coins. The government promised to make more coins so no one would have the excuse of coin shortage. But still, the candy rules the cash
register. The shop keepers claim they are charged a 1 percent premium by the banks for stocking change, so they prefer using candy.

Now take note that when the Euro replaced the franc on 1 January 1999, the franc was worth less than an eighth of its original 1960 value.The price of chocolate, and candy bars, has steadily risen, never declined.28 Jan 2008 – Price of Hershey's candy bars going up 13% ... The price increase, effective immediately, boosts wholesale prices by 13 percent on standard The Hershey Company says it is raising
wholesale prices by 9.7% on most of its candy products.
26 Nov 2009 – That means that nearly half of the price increase in candy bars has come in just three years, for about a 24% increase in price per year.The price has never ever fallen you know, just increased.


Now ponder this out,1 euro = 1.2771 Canadian dollars....1.28 US dollars....1.24 Aussie dollars.............so what with tax.........a choco bar is a taxed euro,really at the present, say Canadian rate of $1.50 as found in the candy bar machine, consistant with all candy bars,of any variety and any size, therefor, the euro could be replaced by the much more useful candy bar exchange system.............say the choco bar.In short the simple solution to end the world debt crisis is to a
form of a currency candy bar.

"Currently, we are printing euros just as fast as we can," an EU spokesman said. "That lowers the value of the euro and reduces prices on our exports, so we can be more competitive on the world market." And so too is everyone else in the world, and this lowers the value of the currency itself, and the currency against other currencies, each and evry one in turn and aginst the other.In short currencies are unstable, and keep falling in value, subject to inflationary trends, and overprintings and whatever have you and we. Well consider this, I have mentioned, that candy bars never fall in value, rather the rise in value, currencies fall, and they may rise, but bbasicly candy bar prices remain stable, or, rise,never fall.In short they themselves have their upward valuation affected by inflation such that they simply rise in value, never fall in value, the currencies fall in value against the choco bar you know. An economic fact,and indisputable economic fact.And plainly and simply, it doesn't matter how many choco bars are manufactured by any and ALL companies, and marketed, their price does NOT fall, it remains constant OR RISES.......NEVER FALLS IN VALUE!! Now that's bang for the buck, solid bang,constant bang, unfailing bang,unyielding bang,undeclining in value bang!The economics of it is utterly indestructable!

Now picture this, the use of the choco bar as a global currency standard! Yes, it can be used as an exchange currency,indeed even today, and even yet need really not be stored, you see the idea of the exchange is really an utter and complete artificiality, in reality, but the bars themselves do exist.

In short say convert the value of a lira sale to choco bars in value, say at the going rate, then,doing an uneccesary physical transfer(we can substitute a litteral artificial on paper only transfer), convert from the choco bar value to whatever ,say ,dollars.You see.it works, the choco is an exchange currency quite simply, and existing real and tangible exchange currency which never declines in
value,only rises. The deal is done, exchange is made, no problems!How different this is from the US dollar which has been used in the past, but noadays is being frowned on as a simple fiat currency, paper print up. Well the Americans can print up their currency whilly nilly and not have problems, but not it seems the Europeans.Clearly we need a new transfer currency FOR ALL and I SAY FOR ALL. The choco bar is to be used as a base exchange currency!! Indeed nodoby can complain about how many choco bars exist, or are.manufactured,the US dollar is manufactured too, so who are they to complain.It works, across so many levels! Indeed should nations decide, they could conceivably have candy bar holdings in
tangible storage facilities, but these would require some refrigeration, or the facility held in a neutral site bank of convienience, say Greenland...BUT in terms of the artificiality of currency transactions in the first place, the existing stocks spread out in every nation's vending machines can and would simply do. Unquestionably.

There you have it, the Euro as a choco bar, the dollar as a choco bar, the Drachma as a choco bar,indeed all the world's varied currencies converted to the choco bar,for the purposes of exchange, and yet everyone would have a choco bar currency exchange rate of equal value!! Problem solved! The choco bar as currency.The world economy is saved! Saved by Secret Squirrel!

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel:America's King Size Candy Bar Ban And The Shape Of Things To Come.

Secret Squirrel has noted changes in America, changes brought about by the new mini sized candy bars,changes that will severly affect the shape of things to come in America,a king sized candy bar ban which will effectively initiate a prohibition type back lash,with respect to king sized candy bars,recalling the days of prohibition,prohibition of alcohol consumption.

This effectively brought about a depression, in the people and the economy as well, people turned to speakeasies to drink their sorrows away and party on to an enjoyable time whilst pushing the depression government, and government of the depression and prohibition out of their minds.
Well, now, prohibition of the king sized candy bar has been brought about, and people have responded, and reacted to this,in much the same fashion that they did in the first prohibition era.The new prohibition era has followed suit exactly, depressing the people, and depressing the economy and the people have reacted and responded in the same way.The candy bar prohibition is having and has had, it's effect.Yes, in America, there are weird scenes inside the gold mine as the nation responds to the king sized candy bar ban.

   We find changes and responses everywhere. Take the cars parked at the Westmount Lookout,the local lovers lookout point.Indeed there were sighs and moans of pleasure coming from the backseat of a car,so loud they attracted a cop. Up he came,"Hands up!!" he screamed. Suddenly a teenage boy and girl stuck
their heads up,head and shoulders emerge,fully clothed, their hands up,clutching in each hand, half eaten king sized candy bars,illegal king sized candy bars.The cop seizes their bars as evidence, cuffs'em and leads'em away,whilst chastising those gathered around, warning against the lewd conduct of
munching illegal king sized candy bars,the drug of choice.

    Downtown at Candy's Bar And Grill the police burst in, rush past patrons to the back room,with their siege bar.The crash in to a Chinese Door at the back and burst in to the real operation,The Candy Bar, a speakeasy.The patrons scatter screaming,king size candy bar wrappers litter the floor,the teen patrons are cuffed and led away,doin' the Tennessee Purp Walk.
Here note the activity in a typical speakeasy, and subsequent raid of the soda pop and king sized candy bar speakeasy.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_mmEvLFjfw&feature=related

Note the hidden camera surveillance video from the candy bar speakeasy,note the innocent fun they're having.........note the happy effect of a candy bar and soda pop orgy of great and good times had by all.Laissez les bon temps roulez.let the good times rule in Non-New Orleans jive,but note the party poopers.....the raid, the feds,the Inscruitables......

    In schools,teens open their lockers, their books fall out, and with them, their illegal stash of king sized candy bars.They hit the school, and the school defect, er Prefect, and the Principle,confiscate the bars, call security and the cops,and the teen is hauled away to continue his education in the big house.

    On the streets,in the back alley,one follows,discretely, a schoolgirl...she head down the alley,suddenly in front of her, there's a flasher,his trench coat held wide open in front of the girls......she reaches out.......grabs something.......it's.......a necklace,She pays for it in illegal king sized candy bars.

    A car is seen to pull up to a schoolyard.The driver opens the door,shows a little girl a stash of illicit king sized candy bars.she gets in, the door closes, and the car pulls away.Typicly it may be her father, trying to please her, her father trying to get her to come home from apre school hijinx, or...maybe not, it may be a Paul Saville.

     In seminaries nuns are seen reaching in to Priest's Holes,and pulling, come up with, a king sized candy bar as their reward.

     Beside school walls,excited young girls are seen grabbing their boyfriends,slamming them in to the wall...........and......suggestively.demanding....he give her his king sized one....candy bar of course.

     At the local movie theatre candy bar, in the dim lighting, a young girl is seen, seemingly opening her blouse,pulling the ends wide apart, revealing her..........id.........the google eyed clarke, reaches under..................and gives her her reward..an illicit king sized candy bars.She's paid, she leaves.

     Parents come home, find teens rolling about the floor of the rec room, in a soda pop filled orgy of wild king sized candy bar munching,sighing,moaning,groaning in an orgy of ecstasy, empty pop bottles and discarded king sized candy bar wrappers littering the floor.
    
     It happens,the parents left their teenage son at home for the weekend, they thought he would spend a quiet evening with friends.
But they returned to find their 1million home had been destroyed,Before they left he reportedly asked his parents for 20 to buy fish and chips for friends before waving them off on their weekend trip.
Hours later more than 100 party-goers descended on his parents' gated property throwing objects from windows, smashing chandeliers, defacing cars and urinating out of windows. The lawn was strewn with broken glass and teenagers shouting and screaming as bottles and cans were thrown at the neighbours' property, prompting them to call police.It was an orgy of violence and destruction fueled by the consumption of massive amounts of soda pop, and energy drinks,and, the
massive consumption of huge quantities of the illicit king sized candy bars.
Neighbours arrived home shortly before midnight last Saturday and witnessed the destruction. 'There were teenagers all over the road, shouting and screaming, making a huge amount of noise,' she said. "It took six police cars and two ambulances to deal with the carnage."
'You could not see the grass for bottles and cans.
'Kids were drinking, vomiting, things were being thrown out from windows - an indoor fan - and even this obscene humungous fat man, I swear it looked like frenchman Gerard Depardieu, weeing out of a first-floor window.' She could not identify any of the children, many of whom were wearing hoodies.
Another neighbour called the police but was told to refer the matter to the council's noise abatement team.
The lad's mother,however,declined to comment on the party. She said: 'It was absolutely a private matter.' A typical scene played out in America.

     It also happens.Illegal king ssized bars brought in from across the borders, via Mexico, and Canada, in transport trucks, by barge, by boat,rowed across lakes, and rivers, borught in by rail car, or in car boots by bootleggers.Also from Europe,Australia, illegal king sized bars flown in and brought in by ship.Candy Bar Transport Trucks,.hijacked....in abandoned farm barns, the goods are transferred,
and then moved to abandoned warehouses. There illegal Mexican immigrants work night and day, gluing several small bars,still wrapped, together, then rewrapping them in king size bar wrappers,thence sent off to downtown distros,and speakeasies.yes the Candy King reigns supreme,even to the point of end point fraud.
    
Local mob controlled radio stations blare out over the airwaves Sammy Davis Jr.'s....... The Candy Man...................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3cgKcEHRdY

And the Carrie Nations..........Sweet Talkin' Candy Man...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3cgKcEHRdY

    Whatever fuelled and influenced Michelle Obama's efforts to reduce the size of candy bars? One recalls King Henry I, who decided that one yard would be the measure from the tip of his nose, to his outstretched thumb. Perhaps, a King-Sized effort to use Obama's penis length as a measure limit for candy bars,and so make a mark in history? Or was it, really, all utterly and completely, The Candy Mob.Indeed. The Candy Mob? Yes, reduce the size of Candy Bars, seeminglyu to patrioticly follow the dictates of Michelle Obama, wife of the American President, The First Lady,seemingly encouraging her appearing to have power, and be the driving force behind, the reduction in size of candy bars, whilst at the same time, maintaining,or perhqaps, increasing their prices?Also at the same time, what with the rise of King Sized Candy Bar prohibition,engendering Candy Mob controlled Speakeasies,and illicit importation asnd maunfacture of illicit and illegal king sized candy bars,spawning a vast underground,subterranean market for themselves? Perhaps........all of the above.

   Yes Squirrel has seen this,America's future, the shape of things to come in America.Yes the world has recently seen strange immense bird kills, amazing frog kills, massive fish kills.In some areas of the world it's been claimed that far inland there have been huge rains of fish.There have been many massive whale beachings, dolphin beachings.Jelly filled donuts are almost disappearing,and now, the banning of king sized candy bars. Indeed we can hear the hoove beats on the streets, the clippity clop of the Horsemen of the Apocalpyse, coming,indeed as predicted.The signs are there.Yes, America, this is the shape of things to come. The election draws near, what's to be done, but remember, "Vote For Insanity,You Know It Makes Sense."

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel:The Mike Walrus Sixty Seconds Candy Bar Speakeasy Report.

Secret Squirrel has stayed on top of the sad and sorry state of affairs of the banning of the King Size Candy Bars,in America, of the rise of the Candy Bar Speakeasies,in America,of the the attempts by the American people to circumvent the Great Candy Bar Prohibition Era, and have come up with a previously hidden report by Mike Walrus, of Sixty Seconds, a report by a friend of Squirrel's on the
situation,and firmly believes that you would like to see this suppressed report on the situation,a report which the television network has suppressed,stating stating that it only encourages the American public to oppose the Candy Bar Prohibition.


"Tick......tick....tick....tick.....

Hello, this is Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds.......

Tick...tick..tick....tick.......

Tonight we have followed the footsteps of Secret Squirrel,as he has, here in New York, found and frequents, one of the city's new, and now many, and ever increasing,secreted and hidden,dens of the so called iniquity, those dens which have followed in the footsteps of, and the ways of, those dens which have sprung out of ,the Speakeasies, those places that in the era of Alcohol Prohibition sprang up to serve to thirsty public the banned liquor, alcohol, which have now sprung up to serve the hungry public, the banned King Sized Candy Bars.These dens, which in the days of prohibition, sprang up under the very noses of the Federal agents, those of the Treasury Department,the so-called Untouchables,led by Elliot Ness, have sprung up once again, this time again under  the very noses of the
Federal agents,those of the Treasury Department,the so-called Inscrutables,led by Elegant Mess.We walk down the darkened street,hidden camera and microphone recording everything,here we go down a hatch in the sidewalk and down an underground alley to get into Back Room.The suitable password is given,the hidden door opened,and here we are, in The Back Room Speakeasy. I walk up to the Candy Keeper, The Candy Man.Immediately I am reminded of Sammy Davis Jr.,singing, the song that goes through my mind? The Candy Man.I gain his
confidence, he seems to be a lonely man,underpaid no doubt, held by the mob under some form of blackmail no doubt,perhaps a threat of divorce due to his infidelity, no doubt supplied with a mob goumare,a mob mistress, to further maintain a hold on him, supplied by the Mob with the illicit and illegal banned King Size Candy Bars, everybody craves, the Mr Big, the Mr.Big Deal, The Mirage, The Oh
Henry,The Bounty, the exotic Toblerones....and many many more.Candy bars in production still in foreign lands, brought in by trucks,train,ships,airplanes, from Mexico,Canada, Switzerland, Europe,even yet some bootleg copies made here by many American bootleggers from home recipes,following in and after the pattern of the day of the alkie prohibition.

     I seem in the corner a smashed chair, splintered to matchwood,and a still as yet unswabbed puddle of reeking urine the destroyed chair sits in the middle of. I'm told by the Candy Keep, that ,the Ridiculous Flying Fat Man, he known as Gerard Depardieu,the questionable z class actor, and sadly below par Z minus class film director, had sat there, his great bulk destroying the chair, he had been there satisfying his urges to stuff himself with the illicit King Sized Candy Bars.I remember him from my high school days and tell the Candy Keep to further gain his confidence, of the days when the even then enormously fat little lad had been placed in charge of directing the school play, and thence also placed himself in the lead role in the production of,"The Thin Man.".I don't tell the Candy Keep my real name of course,nor occupation.The Candy Keep tells me further of Depardieu, how he ate his King Sized Candy Bars, wrappers and all, and was given to emitting great throws of flatulance. I notice a few extremely anorexic actresses and models admitted, they commensurate and tell me of how the ban on King Sized Candy Bars has caused their anorexia,how their primary diet and efforts to stay slim center on a diet of salads and King Sized Candy Bars, and now, what with Michelle Obama causing a ban on the King Size Candy Bars, the tiny ones that remain cannot satisfy their bodies, cannot maintain their bodies, and they waste away. Were it not for the Speakeasies,they say, they would surely waste away to nothing,they say they'll do anything for King Sized Candy Bars.I have sympathy for them tell them I have a secret supply of them, and am willing to share,for certain...favors,and ask the for their phone numbers.I also tell them to avoid the company of Gerard Depardieu,who would only eat their Candy Bars and return nothing,not even the wrappers.

I see some eight to ten year old school girls,sitting at a long table.One of the boys sitting beside one suddenly makes a grab, a grab, an attempt to...snatch! The girls beside him turn on him suddenly,clawing him, scratching him, till he leaves go of his victim, the girl.....he'd been foiled in the attempt,he tried the old clean and snatch, to grab her.......candy bar.

   There's another girl, a 14 year old, in a micro mini skirt. I know this girl, but she doesn't recognize me in my glasses, false nose and false moustache.It's Pandorra, She's a rich girl, she goes to the Candy Keep and buys several King Size bars, starting to eat one, she places the others in a box she places in her lap.The young lad beside her stares,and stares, and stare, at...Pandorra's box. Another
girl sitting beside her has several Bars noticeably sticking up out of her boots,clearly a boot legger she is. There's yet another girl I know from the apartment beside mine, a full breasted 15 year old, who likes to display her wares, her cell phone sticking up out of one of her bra cups.She saunters up to the Candy Keep, buys several bars,sticks them in her bra cups,turns about, looks at me, and snarls, "What are you looking at?", she too doesn't recognize me, and I tell her,"Your Candy Bars.", she snarls back,"There's a much better view." I reply, "Well, what's better to look at than Candy Bars?" She gives me her address and phone number and tells me, "Whydant'cha kum up and see me sometime,en yu'll see something far better!" I tell her I will......I worry, my moustache and hairpiece glue had better be damn strong.
  
I see another girl, a 12 year old, go up to the Candy Keep,her hands shaking,I hear, she tells him she doesn't have any money,can she have a few bars to fix things,on credit.The Candy Keep refuses, telling her he needs something more solid, suddenly she undoes the buttons on her blouse,flings open her blouse, and asks "Will you accept these?"The bar keep asks for her name,address and phone number.She writes something down on a piece of paper and hands it to the Candy Bar Keep,he tells her "Stay like that.", places a phone on the bar, dials, speaks in to the phone, hands it to the girl, she says something, she hands it back, he says something, hangs up, and gives the girl several King Size bars.She rebuttons her blouse and returns to her table, crying.A boy saunters up and fancies trying his luck at the same thing, and gets punched in the face for his troubles. A sad sight it is, but a sight Michelle Obama has made common with her ban on King Size Candy Bars, it's her fault.I silently curse her name, I blame her, not society.

    Most of the boys are crowded in to yet another part of the dimly lit Candy Bar.There I can see most greedily eating their illegal and illicit Mr. Big Deal bars, and quaffing the also banned 20oz soft drinks. Some boys are chatting them up, they'd no money and been to the Candy Keep, and had offered themselves,but he'd refused, so they were trying their luck there for a fix of King Sized bars and 20
oz soft drinks.One lad accepted the offer, but stated that lad had to go in to doing films for him.......obviously a wealthy Big Candy Daddy.
   
A sad sorry state things have been brought to, still not all tales are of such depravity due to the King Sized Candy Bar addictions of those of general society, indeed most are quite genuinely happy and contented with things, easily supporting their illegal King Size Candy Bar habit and having a good time in the Candy Bars.
 
This place is more upbeat than most speakeasies, in walks a Candy Striper, or rather is it stripper,to entertain, and sings and dances whilst a black lad plays trombone, and a piano man plays "As Time Goes By."I learn they work for King Sized bars, the new underground currency of the day. They tell me what they know of the speakeasies,of how the illicit King Size Candy bars, are now mostly brought in
across the border by various means from foreign lands where they are not illegal.The French supply the king sized Mirages, the Swiss the gigantic Toblerones,the Canadians the Big Deal's,The Mr. Big's, the Aussies share their bounty by shipping in Bounty,the Mexican's the CarlosV.
   
It's time to leave,I tip my hat to the Candy Keep.The bouncer, a football lineman with a king sized candy bar endorsement in his portfolio,opens the door for me to leave.Many Baseball players have King Size chocolate bars endorsements, by they make far more and don't really have to be bouncers.I walk down the underground alley, and go up the hatch, and there I am on the sidewalks of New York
once more.There I suddenly bump in to a piss sodden Gerard Depardieu,he recognizes me,he exclaims"Chien!Merde!" I know I've stepped in it, it's French for "American! I remember Depardieu from my high school days and our contest,his challenge, his words," I can eat more Mr. Big's than you!" He won,becoming a fat,piss sodden actor, and I wisely came in last, becoming a slim journalist.He blurts to me in his drunken piss-sodden state, that he has been in a forbidden candy bar speak easy that he found and that he has told Rex Banner, one of The Unscrutables,about it and that they will raid it. He laughs and waddles off in to the darkness.I take out my cell phone and dial the girl in the speakeasy who gave me her number,I tell her to give me the Candy Keep.She does, and I tell him.He tells me all will be well,that in a few minutes The Inscrutables will arrive to raid.....a simple prayer meeting, one where all the girls will be dressed as nuns, the boys as priests.The illicit candy bars will be hidden in their secret compartments, up their habits, and hidden in the priest's holes.All will be well, and the Inscrutables will have tried to come up, but will have failed to achieve the goods.

This has been Mike Walrus, for 60 Seconds."

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel:Letter From America:Candy Bar Prohibition.

Secret Squirrel has remarked, prohibition has returned to America.The era of Prohibition saw the growth of organized crime in the United
States.Gangsters such as Dutch Schultz, Lucky Johnson, Al Capone, and Lucky Luciano made fortunes by supplying illegal beer and liquor to speakeasies across the country.

Some speakeasies were used as homes and offices by gangsters, who adopted an extravagant and easily identifiable lifestyle. Successful gangsters could be identified by their fashionable silk suits, expensive jewelry, and guns.There was much bootlegging....The term “bootlegging” came into use in the 1880s, when it referred to the practice of hiding flasks of illegal liquor inside boots.

Bootlegging was widespread in the United States during Prohibition. Even though the Eighteenth Amendment prohibited the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages, the law was widely disobeyed by the public and even by government officials.

During Prohibition, the production of illegal beer and whiskey quickly expanded across the country. Bootleggers made large profits by distributing these products to speakeasies and other consumers. Bootlegging became an organized business run by crime families and gangsters, (e.g. Al Capone).And with prohibition, came the depression.Thankfully prohibition failed.Many people wonder why prohibition
failed. One of the primary reasons was that there just was not enough money, or police power to stop illegal places like speakeasies

(New York's 21 Club was a Prohibition-era speakeasy.A speakeasy, also called a Big toad or big ol ben, is an establishment that illegally sells alcoholic beverages) from popping up. Corruption also had a lot to do with the reason why prohibition ended up failing.

The following is a story out of Detroit, probably one of the best places to be a bootlegger or to find an illegal drink. "When the state police raided the Deutsches Haus at Mack and Maxwell, they arrested Detroit Mayor John Smith, Michigan Congressman Robert Clancy and Sheriff Edward Stein.However with the failure of prohibition, there too came the end of the depression.

Well,once again prohibition has returned to America, heralding another depression, heralding the rise of.bootleggers, and the return of speakeasies, and the return, eventually,and rise of organized crime families, to take over and run an efficient bootlegging business,satifying the needs of Americans. And now what has caused this?
Well,Your next trip to the gas station or stroll through the candy aisle might include smaller sized candy bars. Thanks to Michelle Obama lobbying Mars Candy to sign her “Healthier America” agreement you will no longer have the option to buy King Sized Candy. The theory is that stopping the production of king sized candy
bars will somehow drop the obesity rate in the states.Mind you,I know for a fact I didn't start to gain weight till far past my years,about age 40 when I wasn't eating candy bars at alland hadn't been for at least 10 years before that,take note,Michelle Obama.

Leave it up to the liberal lifestyle police to protect you from yourself… eating candy. Seriously? What’s next.It’s not that obesity in America isn’t an issue. It is. It’s that the government is interfering with the choices you make for your own
health. Now you’ll just lose a bit of money if you decide to buy two regular size candy bars to get the same amount of candy(until that becomes illegal).And you can be sure that if someone wants the equivalent of a king sized candy bar, he or she is going to buy two regular candy bars to feed the hunger. That is actually more food than the king sized bar, so Michelle’s little plan could actually make
us all fatter in the end. People who have self-control don’t gravitate towards king sized candy bars, and they never will. It is only those who want to stuff their faces with nougat-y wonder. Those people are going to eat what they want to eat no matter what.

Regardless of the compromise Mars made with Michelle Obama,(they are reducing the size of their choco bars down to 250 calories people will still eat more than 250 calories worth of candy bar.Smaller candy bars have always been available and people have been able to choose between small or large. Michelle Obama is simply limiting people's choice.
Regardless of the compromise Mars made with Michelle Obama, people will still eat more than 250 calories worth of candy bar.  Michelle Obama is simply limiting people's choice.This is important because the government is stepping in when they are not needed. Who is the government to tell us what we can and cannot eat?!

By doing this they are destroying the principles that the United States were founded on. The government is destroying our FREEDOM. If people are suffering from obesity, it's because they had the free will to make bad decisions...not because anyone forced them to buy fatty foods and become obese,but if mars or any other company make's em any smaller they'll be banned entirely soon as a choking hazard.

There are solutions to the problem and they are being taken.To counteract the effects of prohibition, some are buying out all of the king sized candy bars and store them to sell in the black market after the ban is enforced. I can see it now – refrigerated trench coats stuffed with oversized Snickers…kids hiding chocolate under their pillows like it’s marijuana…teens talking about how they got busted
for having a Twix fix behind the dumpster at Walmart…the horror! The horror!Freezers stocked to the overflow with the banned giant bars.We can also purcahse the tiny choco bars,unquestionably no longer than her husban'ds wee wee, and we can melt them together, two,three, four of'em, to get to our desired length.Yes,indeed, people are fighting this.Also they can be,and shall be, and are being,as I write this, shipped in by truck,or rail,or by ship, or actually flown in,from across the borders of America, from Canada, or Mexico,where they are still legal, just as alcohol was shipped in during alcohol prohibition.

Now bootleggers, such as Al Capone, were also busy making their own brew you know, and a recipe of Al Capone's prohibition beer,can be found at this URL......

http://hbd.org/brewery/cm3/recs/13_30.html

Also to be found now on the internet, are the actual candy bar recipes which can be followed and tha bars made to any form of King Size the bootlegger wishes.........

here note......

http://www.chow.com/food-news/54139/make-your-own-candy-bars/

These bear such bootlegged names as almond jay.twixt, snickles (read almond joy, twix,snickers.............)make'em long as you want.

also here try your hand at making a giant sized Bounty.........


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhGCm56nf2s

Yes, there are solutions at hand, and bless those bootleggers taking them. And what then does it mean to you?Well, you know you must find a suitable speakeasy establishment dealing,serving,selling,these illicit,illegal large sized, giant sized, king sized...candy bars.

Recall duringthe Prohibition era, Chicagoans refused to let the booze stop flowing in their town. Illegal speakeasies popped up in every neighborhood to help quench a thirsty city. One could find bars in any number of basements, back rooms and soda shops.

Some of the speakeasies were less discreet than others. Music and alcohol flowed openly at the Green Mill Cocktail Lounge in Uptown, which had the support of Al Capone and was partly owned by gangster Jack “Machine Gun” McGurn. On the other hand, John Barleycorn in Lincoln Park claims it had a Chinese laundry as a cover and smuggled barrels of booze in under dirty sheets. Right across the street,
Bugs Moran ran Halligan’s, another hidden watering hole, and down the road, Marge’s Still brewed gin in an upstairs bathtub.And so too do candy bar speakeasies exist.All speakeasies require somebody in the know,you know, to know, and pass on the wisdom to their fellow candy bar consumers,secret codewords etc are required to gain entrance much as in the days of alcohol prohibition, indeed they are out there.

Here let me describe  how things are and what goes on in the candy bar speakeasy. How are they found? Well, they are well hidden,not right up front.They have,secret entrances,passages etc.Here let me elaborate.Secret passages, also commonly referred to as hidden passages or secret tunnels, are hidden routes used for stealthy travel. Such passageways are sometimes inside buildings leading to
secret rooms. Others allow occupants to enter or exit buildings without being seen. Hidden rooms help candy leggers carry out their illegal activities of providing illicit and illegal sized candies, and allow those who wish to, to consume them in a safe environment away from the prying eyes of the Feds,The Inscrutables.

Secret passages often have hidden or secret back doors that are camouflaged so that they appear to be part of the fire wall, or so that they appear to be an architectural feature such as a fireplace, a built-in bookcase or another feature or any establishment of the hidden consumption of king sized candy bars. Some entrances are more elaborately concealed and can be opened only by engaging a hidden mechanism or locking device. Other hidden doors are much simpler; a trapdoor hidden under a rug can easily conceal a secret passage.

Some buildings have secret areas built into the original plans,already, remnants of the era of alcohol prohibition.Some have a secret door used as an emergency exit built into the walls and hidden with a window sill or a bookcase.

Other secret passages have sometimes been constructed after the initial building, particularly secret tunnels. These tunnels have often been created as escape routesjust in case there is a raid by the Feds Inscrutables. These secret tunnels typically require a hidden opening or door, and may also involve other deceptive construction techniques, such as the construction of a false wall. Other tunnels
have been made for different reasons, such as smuggling tunnels used for smuggling in or out the contraband revenue,the king size choco bars.

Now I myself viewed one of these new,and ever being setup, speakeasies....there I was led to the location,walking down a hatch in the sidewalk and down an underground alley to get into Back Room.THe suitable password was given,the hidden door opened, and there............there in a dimly lit corner,I saw, The Ridiculous Flying Fatman himslef, Gerard Depardieu,the World's Fatest Frenchman,
there he was.Suddenly the chair gave way beneath his massive weight, he crashed down to the floor splintering the chair, pissing himself, holding out both arms with each holding a king sized candy bar, and pathetically screamed, "Je vu pisser!Je vu pisser! (which if you don't know french,means "I want to piss!I want to piss!").A memorable and sorry sight it was. Young people, 8-10 years old,lined benches along the wall, ravenously munching on the illicit king sized morsels,in a drunken orgy of self indulgence such as the likes of which I have never before witnessed. Teens begged the candy bar keep to be allowed further credit to purchase more of the governmentally denied and illicit king sized candy bars. Well let me tell you, as I write this, munching on my ill gotten gain, my illegal and illicit choco bar,here muncing on a Mr. Big,I tell you Michelle Obama, you will not succeed with prohibition, we shall persevere, we who love our king sized bars, we shall resist to the bitter end, we shall go underground, into  the secret illegal dens of candy bar
consumption.We shall speakeasy,and we shall overcome!!

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Comments on Cameron's Inequity WIth Respect To Privately Owned Prisons In Britain.

Secret Squirrel's attention has been drawn to the intent of one Prime Minister of Britain, one certain David Cameron, who has announced intentions of passing a law such that PRIVATE PRISON OPERATORS, Owners of the private prisons, who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined.Now knowingly, there may be more, this will affect G4S which has 6 prisons,Serco which has 5,and Sodexo Justice Services
which operates 3,there may be a few more, but a few, and they may have a few more prisons, a few more. The government has the rest which total at least and perhaps more than.....70 actually, as I believe ther are a total thence of 84 persons or more in sum toto.

So, the private operators are to be fined according to reoffences by THEIR inmates, no mention made of those reoffenders in government owned institutions which are paid for and operated by the government itself. Curious it all is, really isn't it then.

So looking at the figures,of total prisons, give or take, what is Cameron up to,actually, does he wish to put them out of business by fineing them out? It does seem so, look at the figure differences between the privately run, and the government owned.Doesn't mention the ,in all equality, in equity, fineing of government institutions.does it. And so too what will be the criteria, deciding on the fineing of said institutions? Well, let's look at the governments own figures what with the respect to,of and including, reoffending.

Now, quoted from, the government's own site,data and statistics on reoffending, found at

http://www.justice.gov.uk/statistics/reoffending/proven-re-offending

What do we see.......in the majority........of the massive amounts of governement oned,operated and run prisons, 70, versus the privately owned,run,owned,operated of..a collossal total of ..........14,therabouts, roundabouts..........let's look at the prison layabouts........

here quoted government figures.......

And we do here quoted,in the sum toto.....

In the 12 months ending September 2010, around 660,000 offenders were cautioned, convicted (excluding immediate custodial sentences) or released from custody. Around 170,000 of these offenders committed a proven re-offence within a year.

This gives a one-year proven re-offending rate of 26.5 per cent, which represents no change when compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 1.3 percentage points since 2000.

These re-offenders committed an average of 2.85 re-offences each. In total, this represents around 500,000 re-offences of which 80.3 per cent were committed by adults and 19.7 per cent were committed by juveniles.

    54.5 per cent (around 270,000) were committed by re-offenders with 11 or more previous offences.
    0.7 per cent (around 3,200) were serious violent/sexual proven re-offences.
    5.2 per cent (around 26,000) were committed by re-offenders on the Prolific and other Priority Offender Programme (PPO).

Key trends in re-offending

Adult offenders

Around 560,000 adult offenders were cautioned, convicted or released from custody between October 2009 and September 2010. Just under 140,000 of them committed a re-offence. This gives a proven re-offending rate of 25.1 per cent, which represents a slight fall of 0.1 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 1.1 percentage points since 2000.

However, compared to 2000, the offenders in October 2009 to September 2010 had characteristics which meant they were more likely to re-offend. This means that, after controlling for offender characteristics, the decrease was larger at 3.2 percentage points.

The average number of re-offences per re-offender was 2.85, a rise of 1.2 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 16.1 per cent compared to 2000.

Looking at specific groups within the cohort:

    The proven re-offending rate for those released from custody was 47.9 per cent, a rise of 0.6 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 1.5 percentage points since 2000. The average number of re-offences committed per re-offender for this group was 4.10, an increase of 1.6 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and down 12.3 per cent since 2000.
  

The proven re-offending rate for those starting a court order (Community Order or Suspended Sentence Order) was 34.0 per cent, down 0.8 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and down 3.9 percentage points since 2000. The average number of re-offences per re-offender was 3.16, up 1.7 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and down 18.3 per cent since 2000.
  

The proven re-offending rate for drug-misusing offenders (all offenders who are given drug orders as part of their sentence or test positive for opiates upon arrest) was 57.3 per cent, up 2.3 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months.

Juvenile offenders

Around 100,000 juvenile offenders were cautioned, convicted or released from custody between October 2009 and September 2010. Around 34,000 of them committed a re-offence. This gives a proven re-offending rate of 34.8 per cent. This represents an increase in the rate of 2.2 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and a rise of 1.1 percentage points since 2000.

However, users should be aware that the cohort has changed considerably over the period since 2000 and is 29.2 per cent smaller than in 2000 and is comprised of offenders whose characteristics mean they are more likely to re-offend than those in the 2000 cohort. In order to account for this, we can control for changes in offender characteristics to give a more consistent view of changes over time. After
controlling for these changes, the proven re-offending rate has actually decreased by 1.7 percentage points since 2000.

The average number of re-offences per re-offender was 2.85, an increase of 3.8 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and down 14.3 per cent since 2000.

Table E1: Overview – latest 12 month period compared to the previous 12 month period and 2000 proven-reoffending-jul09-jun10

Groups with the biggest changes in the proven re-offending rate since 2000

Biggest reductions:

    Adult females (a fall of 2.3 percentage points).
    21 to 24 year olds (a fall of 3.0 percentage points).
    Adults with seven to 10 previous offences (a fall of 3.1 percentage points).
    Juveniles with seven to 10 previous offences (a fall of 4.8 percentage points).
    Adults who received Court Orders (a fall 3.9 percentage points).
    Adults who received custodial sentences of one to four years (a fall of 7.1 percentage points).
    Juveniles who received a custodial sentence (a fall of 6.8 percentage points).

Biggest increases:

    45 to 49 year olds (a rise of 4.0 percentage points).
    Adults who received custodial sentences of less than 12 months (a rise of 3.1 percentage points).
    Juveniles who received a community penalty (a rise of 5.6 percentage points).

This quarterly bulletin presents the proportion of offenders who re-offend (proven re-offending rate) and the number of proven re-offences those offenders commit by age group, gender, ethnicity, criminal history and offence type. Also included are proven re-offending rates for serious proven re-offending, different types of offenders (e.g. adult, juvenile, drug-misusing and prolific and other priority offenders); different types of sentence; and by individual prison, probation trust and youth offending team.

Latest figures are provided with comparisons to the previous 12 months (October 2008 to September 2009) and the year 2000 in order to highlight long-term trends; 2000 is the earliest year for which re-offending data exists on a comparable basis.

The bulletin is produced and handled by the ministry's analytical professionals and production staff.

Pre-release access of up to 24 hours is granted to the following persons:

Ministry of Justice:
Secretary of State, Ministers of State, Permanent Secretary, Director General of Justice Policy Group, Deputy Director of Youth Justice

Policy, Director of Sentencing and Rehabilitation, Director General of Corporate Performance Group, Director of Analytical Services,

Director General of Transforming Justice, Head of National Operations Group, Head of Justice Statistics Analytical Services, Head of
Sentencing Policy and Penalties Unit, Head of Green Paper Consultation Response, Deputy Director of Reducing Reoffending Portfolio, Head

of National Operations Group (NOMS), Director General of National Offender Management Service (NOMS), Head of Public Protection Casework

Section (NOMS), Head of Offender Management and Public Protection Unit (NOMS), Head of Performance, Information and Analysis Group

(NOMS), Head of Research (YJB), and the relevant special advisers, analysts, policy officers and press officers.

Home Office:
Secretary of State, Ministers of State, Permanent Secretary, Programme Director of Crime and Policing Analysis Unit, Head of Reducing

Reoffending Unit, and relevant special advisers, analysts, policy officers and press officers.

No 10: Special adviser to the Prime Minister

Treasury: Ministry of Justice Finances and Strategy, Public Services Group
Updated: Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Ministry of Justice
Proven re-offending full report

And so too doth here end the fully quoted epistle.

So reoffending tops 70% in some prisons, and generally 47% of all adults,serving long sentences, reoffend within the year of release,and

for really SHORT sentences, hit 57%.

So....consider.now..........from

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9623655/New-fines-for-prisons-if-criminals-re-offend-after-release.html

again here quoted,and paraphrased for the true import of things..........

New fines for prisons if criminals re-offend after release
Owners of private prisons who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined, under new plans to be announced by David Cameron.

By Christopher Hope, Senior Political Correspondent

Owners of private prisons who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined, under new plans to be announced by David Cameron.

Under the slogan ‘Tough But Intelligent’, the Prime Minister will signal a tougher approach to law and order by declaring “retribution is not a dirty word”.

The speech is being billed as an attempt by Mr Cameron to bury finally his “hug a hoodie” message which he first unveiled in 2009.

It will also alarm criminal justice reformers, who were delighted by the previously softer approach toward prisons policy by former

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke.

Mr Cameron is expected to say that firms that run private prisons will only get their fee for running the jails if they help to cut reoffending.


Under a scheme that has been trialled in Doncaster prison, contractors such as G4S and Serco will only receive their full fee if reconviction rates fall with a year of release by five per cent.

And so too here ends the quoted epistle.


Interesting isn't it all, taken in the light of the governments own figures for the prisons in the sum toto, and yet ONLY the PRIVATELY OWNED prisons are targetted, not the government ones, which obviously in light of the stated and true GOVERNMENT figures can't possibly be met,really,certainly not by the government itself.Quite plainly we have inequality,inequity,inequity with respect to the PRIVATELY OWNED PRISONS, versus the GOVERNMENT OWNED AND OPERATED PRISONS, indeed the government ones which could quite plainly afford the regularly and most defiantely deserved fines for obviosu failures,figuratively speaking,since the government itself would be providing the limitless funds to pay such failure fines, versus the PRIVATELY OWNED ones, which obvsiouly wouldn't be able to meet the government requirement yolked upon them and so end, in eventual bankruptcy. Curious, why doesn't he Cameron government mericllessly offer to end them and buy them out rather than force them in to bankruptchy and so end their business operation in the private sector, versus the easily affordable government sector? Why indeed. Such has to be the intent of the Cameron government, he couldn't possibly be a complete and utterly ridiculous imbecile who could have sensed another modus operandi? Or mayhaps he could and di...n't?.

Clearly Cameron's "fines" are aimed at,without fail, at the very limited private sector, of the Prison operations, with the sole and exclusive intent to drive them out of business and bankrupt.....why then not just tell them and take over their operatiions, returning it all back in to the government fold? I find Cameron's idea of fineing the private sector with respect to prisons, a rather cruel business practice,an unfortuante business practice, and unfair busines practice,and quite simply an intent by the government to not only end, but actually bankrupt those in the private sector who unfortunately chose to enter the prison business in competition with the government,something which has obviously offended the government to such an extent that it has chosen this rather putrid route, that offineing them out of business, leaving only,THE GOVERNMENT, in the business field of criminal incarceration,THE PRISON SYSTEM.Sad and sorrystate of affairs it is Mr. Cameron, sad route you have chosen Mr. Cameron, and unfair route Mr. Camerocn, a route of inequity,inequity and inequality, a route exhibiting your nature Mr. Cameron, that of applying a system of ridiculous and unfair fines applied in such a way as to be impossible for the private sector to deal with, versus a governmental system of business practice which is,now,what with Cameron's law of fines with respect to privately run and owned prison firms, utterly impossible to compete with on a fair and level playing field, an indication of Cameron's thoughts,behaviours and practices with respect to the private sector versus the one he runs,and owns, the government sector.Squirrel is displeased with Cameron's intent,with Cameron's law,with Cameron's fines.All is not fine.