Secret Squirrel has stayed on top of the sad and sorry state of affairs
of the banning of the King Size Candy Bars,in America, of the rise of
the Candy Bar Speakeasies,in America,of the the attempts by the American
people to circumvent the Great Candy Bar Prohibition Era, and have come
up with a previously hidden report by Mike Walrus, of Sixty Seconds, a
report by a friend of Squirrel's on the
situation,and firmly believes that you would like to see this suppressed
report on the situation,a report which the television network has
suppressed,stating stating that it only encourages the American public
to oppose the Candy Bar Prohibition.
"Tick......tick....tick....tick.....
Hello, this is Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds.......
Tick...tick..tick....tick.......
Tonight we have followed the footsteps of Secret Squirrel,as he has,
here in New York, found and frequents, one of the city's new, and now
many, and ever increasing,secreted and hidden,dens of the so called
iniquity, those dens which have followed in the footsteps of, and the
ways of, those dens which have sprung out of ,the Speakeasies, those
places that in the era of Alcohol Prohibition sprang up to serve to
thirsty public the banned liquor, alcohol, which have now sprung up to
serve the hungry public, the banned King Sized Candy Bars.These dens,
which in the days of prohibition, sprang up under the very noses of the
Federal agents, those of the Treasury Department,the so-called
Untouchables,led by Elliot Ness, have sprung up once again, this time
again under the very noses of the
Federal agents,those of the Treasury Department,the so-called
Inscrutables,led by Elegant Mess.We walk down the darkened street,hidden
camera and microphone recording everything,here we go down a hatch in
the sidewalk and down an underground alley to get into Back Room.The
suitable password is given,the hidden door opened,and here we are, in
The Back Room Speakeasy. I walk up to the Candy Keeper, The Candy
Man.Immediately I am reminded of Sammy Davis Jr.,singing, the song that
goes through my mind? The Candy Man.I gain his
confidence, he seems to be a lonely man,underpaid no doubt, held by the
mob under some form of blackmail no doubt,perhaps a threat of divorce
due to his infidelity, no doubt supplied with a mob goumare,a mob
mistress, to further maintain a hold on him, supplied by the Mob with
the illicit and illegal banned King Size Candy Bars, everybody craves,
the Mr Big, the Mr.Big Deal, The Mirage, The Oh
Henry,The Bounty, the exotic Toblerones....and many many more.Candy bars
in production still in foreign lands, brought in by
trucks,train,ships,airplanes, from Mexico,Canada, Switzerland,
Europe,even yet some bootleg copies made here by many American
bootleggers from home recipes,following in and after the pattern of the
day of the alkie prohibition.
I seem in the corner a smashed chair, splintered to matchwood,and a
still as yet unswabbed puddle of reeking urine the destroyed chair sits
in the middle of. I'm told by the Candy Keep, that ,the Ridiculous
Flying Fat Man, he known as Gerard Depardieu,the questionable z class
actor, and sadly below par Z minus class film director, had sat there,
his great bulk destroying the chair, he had been there satisfying his
urges to stuff himself with the illicit King Sized Candy Bars.I remember
him from my high school days and tell the Candy Keep to further gain
his confidence, of the days when the even then enormously fat little lad
had been placed in charge of directing the school play, and thence also
placed himself in the lead role in the production of,"The Thin Man.".I
don't tell the Candy Keep my real name of course,nor occupation.The
Candy Keep tells me further of Depardieu, how he ate his King Sized
Candy Bars, wrappers and all, and was given to emitting great throws of
flatulance. I notice a few extremely anorexic actresses and models
admitted, they commensurate and tell me of how the ban on King Sized
Candy Bars has caused their anorexia,how their primary diet and efforts
to stay slim center on a diet of salads and King Sized Candy Bars, and
now, what with Michelle Obama causing a ban on the King Size Candy Bars,
the tiny ones that remain cannot satisfy their bodies, cannot maintain
their bodies, and they waste away. Were it not for the Speakeasies,they
say, they would surely waste away to nothing,they say they'll do
anything for King Sized Candy Bars.I have sympathy for them tell them I
have a secret supply of them, and am willing to share,for
certain...favors,and ask the for their phone numbers.I also tell them to
avoid the company of Gerard Depardieu,who would only eat their Candy
Bars and return nothing,not even the wrappers.
I see some eight to ten year old school girls,sitting at a long
table.One of the boys sitting beside one suddenly makes a grab, a grab,
an attempt to...snatch! The girls beside him turn on him
suddenly,clawing him, scratching him, till he leaves go of his victim,
the girl.....he'd been foiled in the attempt,he tried the old clean and
snatch, to grab her.......candy bar.
There's another girl, a 14 year old, in a micro mini skirt. I know
this girl, but she doesn't recognize me in my glasses, false nose and
false moustache.It's Pandorra, She's a rich girl, she goes to the Candy
Keep and buys several King Size bars, starting to eat one, she places
the others in a box she places in her lap.The young lad beside her
stares,and stares, and stare, at...Pandorra's box. Another
girl sitting beside her has several Bars noticeably sticking up out of
her boots,clearly a boot legger she is. There's yet another girl I know
from the apartment beside mine, a full breasted 15 year old, who likes
to display her wares, her cell phone sticking up out of one of her bra
cups.She saunters up to the Candy Keep, buys several bars,sticks them in
her bra cups,turns about, looks at me, and snarls, "What are you
looking at?", she too doesn't recognize me, and I tell her,"Your Candy
Bars.", she snarls back,"There's a much better view." I reply, "Well,
what's better to look at than Candy Bars?" She gives me her address and
phone number and tells me, "Whydant'cha kum up and see me sometime,en
yu'll see something far better!" I tell her I will......I worry, my
moustache and hairpiece glue had better be damn strong.
I see another girl, a 12 year old, go up to the Candy Keep,her hands
shaking,I hear, she tells him she doesn't have any money,can she have a
few bars to fix things,on credit.The Candy Keep refuses, telling her he
needs something more solid, suddenly she undoes the buttons on her
blouse,flings open her blouse, and asks "Will you accept these?"The bar
keep asks for her name,address and phone number.She writes something
down on a piece of paper and hands it to the Candy Bar Keep,he tells her
"Stay like that.", places a phone on the bar, dials, speaks in to the
phone, hands it to the girl, she says something, she hands it back, he
says something, hangs up, and gives the girl several King Size bars.She
rebuttons her blouse and returns to her table, crying.A boy saunters up
and fancies trying his luck at the same thing, and gets punched in the
face for his troubles. A sad sight it is, but a sight Michelle Obama has
made common with her ban on King Size Candy Bars, it's her fault.I
silently curse her name, I blame her, not society.
Most of the boys are crowded in to yet another part of the dimly lit
Candy Bar.There I can see most greedily eating their illegal and
illicit Mr. Big Deal bars, and quaffing the also banned 20oz soft
drinks. Some boys are chatting them up, they'd no money and been to the
Candy Keep, and had offered themselves,but he'd refused, so they were
trying their luck there for a fix of King Sized bars and 20
oz soft drinks.One lad accepted the offer, but stated that lad had to go
in to doing films for him.......obviously a wealthy Big Candy Daddy.
A sad sorry state things have been brought to, still not all tales are
of such depravity due to the King Sized Candy Bar addictions of those of
general society, indeed most are quite genuinely happy and contented
with things, easily supporting their illegal King Size Candy Bar habit
and having a good time in the Candy Bars.
This place is more upbeat than most speakeasies, in walks a Candy
Striper, or rather is it stripper,to entertain, and sings and dances
whilst a black lad plays trombone, and a piano man plays "As Time Goes
By."I learn they work for King Sized bars, the new underground currency
of the day. They tell me what they know of the speakeasies,of how the
illicit King Size Candy bars, are now mostly brought in
across the border by various means from foreign lands where they are not
illegal.The French supply the king sized Mirages, the Swiss the
gigantic Toblerones,the Canadians the Big Deal's,The Mr. Big's, the
Aussies share their bounty by shipping in Bounty,the Mexican's the
CarlosV.
It's time to leave,I tip my hat to the Candy Keep.The bouncer, a
football lineman with a king sized candy bar endorsement in his
portfolio,opens the door for me to leave.Many Baseball players have King
Size chocolate bars endorsements, by they make far more and don't
really have to be bouncers.I walk down the underground alley, and go up
the hatch, and there I am on the sidewalks of New York
once more.There I suddenly bump in to a piss sodden Gerard Depardieu,he
recognizes me,he exclaims"Chien!Merde!" I know I've stepped in it, it's
French for "American! I remember Depardieu from my high school days and
our contest,his challenge, his words," I can eat more Mr. Big's than
you!" He won,becoming a fat,piss sodden actor, and I wisely came in
last, becoming a slim journalist.He blurts to me in his drunken
piss-sodden state, that he has been in a forbidden candy bar speak easy
that he found and that he has told Rex Banner, one of The
Unscrutables,about it and that they will raid it. He laughs and waddles
off in to the darkness.I take out my cell phone and dial the girl in the
speakeasy who gave me her number,I tell her to give me the Candy
Keep.She does, and I tell him.He tells me all will be well,that in a few
minutes The Inscrutables will arrive to raid.....a simple prayer
meeting, one where all the girls will be dressed as nuns, the boys as
priests.The illicit candy bars will be hidden in their secret
compartments, up their habits, and hidden in the priest's holes.All will
be well, and the Inscrutables will have tried to come up, but will have
failed to achieve the goods.
This has been Mike Walrus, for 60 Seconds."
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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