Secret Squirrel:The Mike Walrus Sixty Seconds Candy Bar Speakeasy Report.

Secret Squirrel has stayed on top of the sad and sorry state of affairs of the banning of the King Size Candy Bars,in America, of the rise of the Candy Bar Speakeasies,in America,of the the attempts by the American people to circumvent the Great Candy Bar Prohibition Era, and have come up with a previously hidden report by Mike Walrus, of Sixty Seconds, a report by a friend of Squirrel's on the
situation,and firmly believes that you would like to see this suppressed report on the situation,a report which the television network has suppressed,stating stating that it only encourages the American public to oppose the Candy Bar Prohibition.


"Tick......tick....tick....tick.....

Hello, this is Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds.......

Tick...tick..tick....tick.......

Tonight we have followed the footsteps of Secret Squirrel,as he has, here in New York, found and frequents, one of the city's new, and now many, and ever increasing,secreted and hidden,dens of the so called iniquity, those dens which have followed in the footsteps of, and the ways of, those dens which have sprung out of ,the Speakeasies, those places that in the era of Alcohol Prohibition sprang up to serve to thirsty public the banned liquor, alcohol, which have now sprung up to serve the hungry public, the banned King Sized Candy Bars.These dens, which in the days of prohibition, sprang up under the very noses of the Federal agents, those of the Treasury Department,the so-called Untouchables,led by Elliot Ness, have sprung up once again, this time again under  the very noses of the
Federal agents,those of the Treasury Department,the so-called Inscrutables,led by Elegant Mess.We walk down the darkened street,hidden camera and microphone recording everything,here we go down a hatch in the sidewalk and down an underground alley to get into Back Room.The suitable password is given,the hidden door opened,and here we are, in The Back Room Speakeasy. I walk up to the Candy Keeper, The Candy Man.Immediately I am reminded of Sammy Davis Jr.,singing, the song that goes through my mind? The Candy Man.I gain his
confidence, he seems to be a lonely man,underpaid no doubt, held by the mob under some form of blackmail no doubt,perhaps a threat of divorce due to his infidelity, no doubt supplied with a mob goumare,a mob mistress, to further maintain a hold on him, supplied by the Mob with the illicit and illegal banned King Size Candy Bars, everybody craves, the Mr Big, the Mr.Big Deal, The Mirage, The Oh
Henry,The Bounty, the exotic Toblerones....and many many more.Candy bars in production still in foreign lands, brought in by trucks,train,ships,airplanes, from Mexico,Canada, Switzerland, Europe,even yet some bootleg copies made here by many American bootleggers from home recipes,following in and after the pattern of the day of the alkie prohibition.

     I seem in the corner a smashed chair, splintered to matchwood,and a still as yet unswabbed puddle of reeking urine the destroyed chair sits in the middle of. I'm told by the Candy Keep, that ,the Ridiculous Flying Fat Man, he known as Gerard Depardieu,the questionable z class actor, and sadly below par Z minus class film director, had sat there, his great bulk destroying the chair, he had been there satisfying his urges to stuff himself with the illicit King Sized Candy Bars.I remember him from my high school days and tell the Candy Keep to further gain his confidence, of the days when the even then enormously fat little lad had been placed in charge of directing the school play, and thence also placed himself in the lead role in the production of,"The Thin Man.".I don't tell the Candy Keep my real name of course,nor occupation.The Candy Keep tells me further of Depardieu, how he ate his King Sized Candy Bars, wrappers and all, and was given to emitting great throws of flatulance. I notice a few extremely anorexic actresses and models admitted, they commensurate and tell me of how the ban on King Sized Candy Bars has caused their anorexia,how their primary diet and efforts to stay slim center on a diet of salads and King Sized Candy Bars, and now, what with Michelle Obama causing a ban on the King Size Candy Bars, the tiny ones that remain cannot satisfy their bodies, cannot maintain their bodies, and they waste away. Were it not for the Speakeasies,they say, they would surely waste away to nothing,they say they'll do anything for King Sized Candy Bars.I have sympathy for them tell them I have a secret supply of them, and am willing to share,for certain...favors,and ask the for their phone numbers.I also tell them to avoid the company of Gerard Depardieu,who would only eat their Candy Bars and return nothing,not even the wrappers.

I see some eight to ten year old school girls,sitting at a long table.One of the boys sitting beside one suddenly makes a grab, a grab, an attempt to...snatch! The girls beside him turn on him suddenly,clawing him, scratching him, till he leaves go of his victim, the girl.....he'd been foiled in the attempt,he tried the old clean and snatch, to grab her.......candy bar.

   There's another girl, a 14 year old, in a micro mini skirt. I know this girl, but she doesn't recognize me in my glasses, false nose and false moustache.It's Pandorra, She's a rich girl, she goes to the Candy Keep and buys several King Size bars, starting to eat one, she places the others in a box she places in her lap.The young lad beside her stares,and stares, and stare, at...Pandorra's box. Another
girl sitting beside her has several Bars noticeably sticking up out of her boots,clearly a boot legger she is. There's yet another girl I know from the apartment beside mine, a full breasted 15 year old, who likes to display her wares, her cell phone sticking up out of one of her bra cups.She saunters up to the Candy Keep, buys several bars,sticks them in her bra cups,turns about, looks at me, and snarls, "What are you looking at?", she too doesn't recognize me, and I tell her,"Your Candy Bars.", she snarls back,"There's a much better view." I reply, "Well, what's better to look at than Candy Bars?" She gives me her address and phone number and tells me, "Whydant'cha kum up and see me sometime,en yu'll see something far better!" I tell her I will......I worry, my moustache and hairpiece glue had better be damn strong.
  
I see another girl, a 12 year old, go up to the Candy Keep,her hands shaking,I hear, she tells him she doesn't have any money,can she have a few bars to fix things,on credit.The Candy Keep refuses, telling her he needs something more solid, suddenly she undoes the buttons on her blouse,flings open her blouse, and asks "Will you accept these?"The bar keep asks for her name,address and phone number.She writes something down on a piece of paper and hands it to the Candy Bar Keep,he tells her "Stay like that.", places a phone on the bar, dials, speaks in to the phone, hands it to the girl, she says something, she hands it back, he says something, hangs up, and gives the girl several King Size bars.She rebuttons her blouse and returns to her table, crying.A boy saunters up and fancies trying his luck at the same thing, and gets punched in the face for his troubles. A sad sight it is, but a sight Michelle Obama has made common with her ban on King Size Candy Bars, it's her fault.I silently curse her name, I blame her, not society.

    Most of the boys are crowded in to yet another part of the dimly lit Candy Bar.There I can see most greedily eating their illegal and illicit Mr. Big Deal bars, and quaffing the also banned 20oz soft drinks. Some boys are chatting them up, they'd no money and been to the Candy Keep, and had offered themselves,but he'd refused, so they were trying their luck there for a fix of King Sized bars and 20
oz soft drinks.One lad accepted the offer, but stated that lad had to go in to doing films for him.......obviously a wealthy Big Candy Daddy.
   
A sad sorry state things have been brought to, still not all tales are of such depravity due to the King Sized Candy Bar addictions of those of general society, indeed most are quite genuinely happy and contented with things, easily supporting their illegal King Size Candy Bar habit and having a good time in the Candy Bars.
 
This place is more upbeat than most speakeasies, in walks a Candy Striper, or rather is it stripper,to entertain, and sings and dances whilst a black lad plays trombone, and a piano man plays "As Time Goes By."I learn they work for King Sized bars, the new underground currency of the day. They tell me what they know of the speakeasies,of how the illicit King Size Candy bars, are now mostly brought in
across the border by various means from foreign lands where they are not illegal.The French supply the king sized Mirages, the Swiss the gigantic Toblerones,the Canadians the Big Deal's,The Mr. Big's, the Aussies share their bounty by shipping in Bounty,the Mexican's the CarlosV.
   
It's time to leave,I tip my hat to the Candy Keep.The bouncer, a football lineman with a king sized candy bar endorsement in his portfolio,opens the door for me to leave.Many Baseball players have King Size chocolate bars endorsements, by they make far more and don't really have to be bouncers.I walk down the underground alley, and go up the hatch, and there I am on the sidewalks of New York
once more.There I suddenly bump in to a piss sodden Gerard Depardieu,he recognizes me,he exclaims"Chien!Merde!" I know I've stepped in it, it's French for "American! I remember Depardieu from my high school days and our contest,his challenge, his words," I can eat more Mr. Big's than you!" He won,becoming a fat,piss sodden actor, and I wisely came in last, becoming a slim journalist.He blurts to me in his drunken piss-sodden state, that he has been in a forbidden candy bar speak easy that he found and that he has told Rex Banner, one of The Unscrutables,about it and that they will raid it. He laughs and waddles off in to the darkness.I take out my cell phone and dial the girl in the speakeasy who gave me her number,I tell her to give me the Candy Keep.She does, and I tell him.He tells me all will be well,that in a few minutes The Inscrutables will arrive to raid.....a simple prayer meeting, one where all the girls will be dressed as nuns, the boys as priests.The illicit candy bars will be hidden in their secret compartments, up their habits, and hidden in the priest's holes.All will be well, and the Inscrutables will have tried to come up, but will have failed to achieve the goods.

This has been Mike Walrus, for 60 Seconds."

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel:Letter From America:Candy Bar Prohibition.

Secret Squirrel has remarked, prohibition has returned to America.The era of Prohibition saw the growth of organized crime in the United
States.Gangsters such as Dutch Schultz, Lucky Johnson, Al Capone, and Lucky Luciano made fortunes by supplying illegal beer and liquor to speakeasies across the country.

Some speakeasies were used as homes and offices by gangsters, who adopted an extravagant and easily identifiable lifestyle. Successful gangsters could be identified by their fashionable silk suits, expensive jewelry, and guns.There was much bootlegging....The term “bootlegging” came into use in the 1880s, when it referred to the practice of hiding flasks of illegal liquor inside boots.

Bootlegging was widespread in the United States during Prohibition. Even though the Eighteenth Amendment prohibited the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages, the law was widely disobeyed by the public and even by government officials.

During Prohibition, the production of illegal beer and whiskey quickly expanded across the country. Bootleggers made large profits by distributing these products to speakeasies and other consumers. Bootlegging became an organized business run by crime families and gangsters, (e.g. Al Capone).And with prohibition, came the depression.Thankfully prohibition failed.Many people wonder why prohibition
failed. One of the primary reasons was that there just was not enough money, or police power to stop illegal places like speakeasies

(New York's 21 Club was a Prohibition-era speakeasy.A speakeasy, also called a Big toad or big ol ben, is an establishment that illegally sells alcoholic beverages) from popping up. Corruption also had a lot to do with the reason why prohibition ended up failing.

The following is a story out of Detroit, probably one of the best places to be a bootlegger or to find an illegal drink. "When the state police raided the Deutsches Haus at Mack and Maxwell, they arrested Detroit Mayor John Smith, Michigan Congressman Robert Clancy and Sheriff Edward Stein.However with the failure of prohibition, there too came the end of the depression.

Well,once again prohibition has returned to America, heralding another depression, heralding the rise of.bootleggers, and the return of speakeasies, and the return, eventually,and rise of organized crime families, to take over and run an efficient bootlegging business,satifying the needs of Americans. And now what has caused this?
Well,Your next trip to the gas station or stroll through the candy aisle might include smaller sized candy bars. Thanks to Michelle Obama lobbying Mars Candy to sign her “Healthier America” agreement you will no longer have the option to buy King Sized Candy. The theory is that stopping the production of king sized candy
bars will somehow drop the obesity rate in the states.Mind you,I know for a fact I didn't start to gain weight till far past my years,about age 40 when I wasn't eating candy bars at alland hadn't been for at least 10 years before that,take note,Michelle Obama.

Leave it up to the liberal lifestyle police to protect you from yourself… eating candy. Seriously? What’s next.It’s not that obesity in America isn’t an issue. It is. It’s that the government is interfering with the choices you make for your own
health. Now you’ll just lose a bit of money if you decide to buy two regular size candy bars to get the same amount of candy(until that becomes illegal).And you can be sure that if someone wants the equivalent of a king sized candy bar, he or she is going to buy two regular candy bars to feed the hunger. That is actually more food than the king sized bar, so Michelle’s little plan could actually make
us all fatter in the end. People who have self-control don’t gravitate towards king sized candy bars, and they never will. It is only those who want to stuff their faces with nougat-y wonder. Those people are going to eat what they want to eat no matter what.

Regardless of the compromise Mars made with Michelle Obama,(they are reducing the size of their choco bars down to 250 calories people will still eat more than 250 calories worth of candy bar.Smaller candy bars have always been available and people have been able to choose between small or large. Michelle Obama is simply limiting people's choice.
Regardless of the compromise Mars made with Michelle Obama, people will still eat more than 250 calories worth of candy bar.  Michelle Obama is simply limiting people's choice.This is important because the government is stepping in when they are not needed. Who is the government to tell us what we can and cannot eat?!

By doing this they are destroying the principles that the United States were founded on. The government is destroying our FREEDOM. If people are suffering from obesity, it's because they had the free will to make bad decisions...not because anyone forced them to buy fatty foods and become obese,but if mars or any other company make's em any smaller they'll be banned entirely soon as a choking hazard.

There are solutions to the problem and they are being taken.To counteract the effects of prohibition, some are buying out all of the king sized candy bars and store them to sell in the black market after the ban is enforced. I can see it now – refrigerated trench coats stuffed with oversized Snickers…kids hiding chocolate under their pillows like it’s marijuana…teens talking about how they got busted
for having a Twix fix behind the dumpster at Walmart…the horror! The horror!Freezers stocked to the overflow with the banned giant bars.We can also purcahse the tiny choco bars,unquestionably no longer than her husban'ds wee wee, and we can melt them together, two,three, four of'em, to get to our desired length.Yes,indeed, people are fighting this.Also they can be,and shall be, and are being,as I write this, shipped in by truck,or rail,or by ship, or actually flown in,from across the borders of America, from Canada, or Mexico,where they are still legal, just as alcohol was shipped in during alcohol prohibition.

Now bootleggers, such as Al Capone, were also busy making their own brew you know, and a recipe of Al Capone's prohibition beer,can be found at this URL......

http://hbd.org/brewery/cm3/recs/13_30.html

Also to be found now on the internet, are the actual candy bar recipes which can be followed and tha bars made to any form of King Size the bootlegger wishes.........

here note......

http://www.chow.com/food-news/54139/make-your-own-candy-bars/

These bear such bootlegged names as almond jay.twixt, snickles (read almond joy, twix,snickers.............)make'em long as you want.

also here try your hand at making a giant sized Bounty.........


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhGCm56nf2s

Yes, there are solutions at hand, and bless those bootleggers taking them. And what then does it mean to you?Well, you know you must find a suitable speakeasy establishment dealing,serving,selling,these illicit,illegal large sized, giant sized, king sized...candy bars.

Recall duringthe Prohibition era, Chicagoans refused to let the booze stop flowing in their town. Illegal speakeasies popped up in every neighborhood to help quench a thirsty city. One could find bars in any number of basements, back rooms and soda shops.

Some of the speakeasies were less discreet than others. Music and alcohol flowed openly at the Green Mill Cocktail Lounge in Uptown, which had the support of Al Capone and was partly owned by gangster Jack “Machine Gun” McGurn. On the other hand, John Barleycorn in Lincoln Park claims it had a Chinese laundry as a cover and smuggled barrels of booze in under dirty sheets. Right across the street,
Bugs Moran ran Halligan’s, another hidden watering hole, and down the road, Marge’s Still brewed gin in an upstairs bathtub.And so too do candy bar speakeasies exist.All speakeasies require somebody in the know,you know, to know, and pass on the wisdom to their fellow candy bar consumers,secret codewords etc are required to gain entrance much as in the days of alcohol prohibition, indeed they are out there.

Here let me describe  how things are and what goes on in the candy bar speakeasy. How are they found? Well, they are well hidden,not right up front.They have,secret entrances,passages etc.Here let me elaborate.Secret passages, also commonly referred to as hidden passages or secret tunnels, are hidden routes used for stealthy travel. Such passageways are sometimes inside buildings leading to
secret rooms. Others allow occupants to enter or exit buildings without being seen. Hidden rooms help candy leggers carry out their illegal activities of providing illicit and illegal sized candies, and allow those who wish to, to consume them in a safe environment away from the prying eyes of the Feds,The Inscrutables.

Secret passages often have hidden or secret back doors that are camouflaged so that they appear to be part of the fire wall, or so that they appear to be an architectural feature such as a fireplace, a built-in bookcase or another feature or any establishment of the hidden consumption of king sized candy bars. Some entrances are more elaborately concealed and can be opened only by engaging a hidden mechanism or locking device. Other hidden doors are much simpler; a trapdoor hidden under a rug can easily conceal a secret passage.

Some buildings have secret areas built into the original plans,already, remnants of the era of alcohol prohibition.Some have a secret door used as an emergency exit built into the walls and hidden with a window sill or a bookcase.

Other secret passages have sometimes been constructed after the initial building, particularly secret tunnels. These tunnels have often been created as escape routesjust in case there is a raid by the Feds Inscrutables. These secret tunnels typically require a hidden opening or door, and may also involve other deceptive construction techniques, such as the construction of a false wall. Other tunnels
have been made for different reasons, such as smuggling tunnels used for smuggling in or out the contraband revenue,the king size choco bars.

Now I myself viewed one of these new,and ever being setup, speakeasies....there I was led to the location,walking down a hatch in the sidewalk and down an underground alley to get into Back Room.THe suitable password was given,the hidden door opened, and there............there in a dimly lit corner,I saw, The Ridiculous Flying Fatman himslef, Gerard Depardieu,the World's Fatest Frenchman,
there he was.Suddenly the chair gave way beneath his massive weight, he crashed down to the floor splintering the chair, pissing himself, holding out both arms with each holding a king sized candy bar, and pathetically screamed, "Je vu pisser!Je vu pisser! (which if you don't know french,means "I want to piss!I want to piss!").A memorable and sorry sight it was. Young people, 8-10 years old,lined benches along the wall, ravenously munching on the illicit king sized morsels,in a drunken orgy of self indulgence such as the likes of which I have never before witnessed. Teens begged the candy bar keep to be allowed further credit to purchase more of the governmentally denied and illicit king sized candy bars. Well let me tell you, as I write this, munching on my ill gotten gain, my illegal and illicit choco bar,here muncing on a Mr. Big,I tell you Michelle Obama, you will not succeed with prohibition, we shall persevere, we who love our king sized bars, we shall resist to the bitter end, we shall go underground, into  the secret illegal dens of candy bar
consumption.We shall speakeasy,and we shall overcome!!

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Comments on Cameron's Inequity WIth Respect To Privately Owned Prisons In Britain.

Secret Squirrel's attention has been drawn to the intent of one Prime Minister of Britain, one certain David Cameron, who has announced intentions of passing a law such that PRIVATE PRISON OPERATORS, Owners of the private prisons, who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined.Now knowingly, there may be more, this will affect G4S which has 6 prisons,Serco which has 5,and Sodexo Justice Services
which operates 3,there may be a few more, but a few, and they may have a few more prisons, a few more. The government has the rest which total at least and perhaps more than.....70 actually, as I believe ther are a total thence of 84 persons or more in sum toto.

So, the private operators are to be fined according to reoffences by THEIR inmates, no mention made of those reoffenders in government owned institutions which are paid for and operated by the government itself. Curious it all is, really isn't it then.

So looking at the figures,of total prisons, give or take, what is Cameron up to,actually, does he wish to put them out of business by fineing them out? It does seem so, look at the figure differences between the privately run, and the government owned.Doesn't mention the ,in all equality, in equity, fineing of government institutions.does it. And so too what will be the criteria, deciding on the fineing of said institutions? Well, let's look at the governments own figures what with the respect to,of and including, reoffending.

Now, quoted from, the government's own site,data and statistics on reoffending, found at

http://www.justice.gov.uk/statistics/reoffending/proven-re-offending

What do we see.......in the majority........of the massive amounts of governement oned,operated and run prisons, 70, versus the privately owned,run,owned,operated of..a collossal total of ..........14,therabouts, roundabouts..........let's look at the prison layabouts........

here quoted government figures.......

And we do here quoted,in the sum toto.....

In the 12 months ending September 2010, around 660,000 offenders were cautioned, convicted (excluding immediate custodial sentences) or released from custody. Around 170,000 of these offenders committed a proven re-offence within a year.

This gives a one-year proven re-offending rate of 26.5 per cent, which represents no change when compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 1.3 percentage points since 2000.

These re-offenders committed an average of 2.85 re-offences each. In total, this represents around 500,000 re-offences of which 80.3 per cent were committed by adults and 19.7 per cent were committed by juveniles.

    54.5 per cent (around 270,000) were committed by re-offenders with 11 or more previous offences.
    0.7 per cent (around 3,200) were serious violent/sexual proven re-offences.
    5.2 per cent (around 26,000) were committed by re-offenders on the Prolific and other Priority Offender Programme (PPO).

Key trends in re-offending

Adult offenders

Around 560,000 adult offenders were cautioned, convicted or released from custody between October 2009 and September 2010. Just under 140,000 of them committed a re-offence. This gives a proven re-offending rate of 25.1 per cent, which represents a slight fall of 0.1 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 1.1 percentage points since 2000.

However, compared to 2000, the offenders in October 2009 to September 2010 had characteristics which meant they were more likely to re-offend. This means that, after controlling for offender characteristics, the decrease was larger at 3.2 percentage points.

The average number of re-offences per re-offender was 2.85, a rise of 1.2 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 16.1 per cent compared to 2000.

Looking at specific groups within the cohort:

    The proven re-offending rate for those released from custody was 47.9 per cent, a rise of 0.6 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and a fall of 1.5 percentage points since 2000. The average number of re-offences committed per re-offender for this group was 4.10, an increase of 1.6 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and down 12.3 per cent since 2000.
  

The proven re-offending rate for those starting a court order (Community Order or Suspended Sentence Order) was 34.0 per cent, down 0.8 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and down 3.9 percentage points since 2000. The average number of re-offences per re-offender was 3.16, up 1.7 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and down 18.3 per cent since 2000.
  

The proven re-offending rate for drug-misusing offenders (all offenders who are given drug orders as part of their sentence or test positive for opiates upon arrest) was 57.3 per cent, up 2.3 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months.

Juvenile offenders

Around 100,000 juvenile offenders were cautioned, convicted or released from custody between October 2009 and September 2010. Around 34,000 of them committed a re-offence. This gives a proven re-offending rate of 34.8 per cent. This represents an increase in the rate of 2.2 percentage points compared to the previous 12 months and a rise of 1.1 percentage points since 2000.

However, users should be aware that the cohort has changed considerably over the period since 2000 and is 29.2 per cent smaller than in 2000 and is comprised of offenders whose characteristics mean they are more likely to re-offend than those in the 2000 cohort. In order to account for this, we can control for changes in offender characteristics to give a more consistent view of changes over time. After
controlling for these changes, the proven re-offending rate has actually decreased by 1.7 percentage points since 2000.

The average number of re-offences per re-offender was 2.85, an increase of 3.8 per cent compared to the previous 12 months and down 14.3 per cent since 2000.

Table E1: Overview – latest 12 month period compared to the previous 12 month period and 2000 proven-reoffending-jul09-jun10

Groups with the biggest changes in the proven re-offending rate since 2000

Biggest reductions:

    Adult females (a fall of 2.3 percentage points).
    21 to 24 year olds (a fall of 3.0 percentage points).
    Adults with seven to 10 previous offences (a fall of 3.1 percentage points).
    Juveniles with seven to 10 previous offences (a fall of 4.8 percentage points).
    Adults who received Court Orders (a fall 3.9 percentage points).
    Adults who received custodial sentences of one to four years (a fall of 7.1 percentage points).
    Juveniles who received a custodial sentence (a fall of 6.8 percentage points).

Biggest increases:

    45 to 49 year olds (a rise of 4.0 percentage points).
    Adults who received custodial sentences of less than 12 months (a rise of 3.1 percentage points).
    Juveniles who received a community penalty (a rise of 5.6 percentage points).

This quarterly bulletin presents the proportion of offenders who re-offend (proven re-offending rate) and the number of proven re-offences those offenders commit by age group, gender, ethnicity, criminal history and offence type. Also included are proven re-offending rates for serious proven re-offending, different types of offenders (e.g. adult, juvenile, drug-misusing and prolific and other priority offenders); different types of sentence; and by individual prison, probation trust and youth offending team.

Latest figures are provided with comparisons to the previous 12 months (October 2008 to September 2009) and the year 2000 in order to highlight long-term trends; 2000 is the earliest year for which re-offending data exists on a comparable basis.

The bulletin is produced and handled by the ministry's analytical professionals and production staff.

Pre-release access of up to 24 hours is granted to the following persons:

Ministry of Justice:
Secretary of State, Ministers of State, Permanent Secretary, Director General of Justice Policy Group, Deputy Director of Youth Justice

Policy, Director of Sentencing and Rehabilitation, Director General of Corporate Performance Group, Director of Analytical Services,

Director General of Transforming Justice, Head of National Operations Group, Head of Justice Statistics Analytical Services, Head of
Sentencing Policy and Penalties Unit, Head of Green Paper Consultation Response, Deputy Director of Reducing Reoffending Portfolio, Head

of National Operations Group (NOMS), Director General of National Offender Management Service (NOMS), Head of Public Protection Casework

Section (NOMS), Head of Offender Management and Public Protection Unit (NOMS), Head of Performance, Information and Analysis Group

(NOMS), Head of Research (YJB), and the relevant special advisers, analysts, policy officers and press officers.

Home Office:
Secretary of State, Ministers of State, Permanent Secretary, Programme Director of Crime and Policing Analysis Unit, Head of Reducing

Reoffending Unit, and relevant special advisers, analysts, policy officers and press officers.

No 10: Special adviser to the Prime Minister

Treasury: Ministry of Justice Finances and Strategy, Public Services Group
Updated: Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Ministry of Justice
Proven re-offending full report

And so too doth here end the fully quoted epistle.

So reoffending tops 70% in some prisons, and generally 47% of all adults,serving long sentences, reoffend within the year of release,and

for really SHORT sentences, hit 57%.

So....consider.now..........from

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9623655/New-fines-for-prisons-if-criminals-re-offend-after-release.html

again here quoted,and paraphrased for the true import of things..........

New fines for prisons if criminals re-offend after release
Owners of private prisons who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined, under new plans to be announced by David Cameron.

By Christopher Hope, Senior Political Correspondent

Owners of private prisons who fail to stop prisoners re-offending will be fined, under new plans to be announced by David Cameron.

Under the slogan ‘Tough But Intelligent’, the Prime Minister will signal a tougher approach to law and order by declaring “retribution is not a dirty word”.

The speech is being billed as an attempt by Mr Cameron to bury finally his “hug a hoodie” message which he first unveiled in 2009.

It will also alarm criminal justice reformers, who were delighted by the previously softer approach toward prisons policy by former

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke.

Mr Cameron is expected to say that firms that run private prisons will only get their fee for running the jails if they help to cut reoffending.


Under a scheme that has been trialled in Doncaster prison, contractors such as G4S and Serco will only receive their full fee if reconviction rates fall with a year of release by five per cent.

And so too here ends the quoted epistle.


Interesting isn't it all, taken in the light of the governments own figures for the prisons in the sum toto, and yet ONLY the PRIVATELY OWNED prisons are targetted, not the government ones, which obviously in light of the stated and true GOVERNMENT figures can't possibly be met,really,certainly not by the government itself.Quite plainly we have inequality,inequity,inequity with respect to the PRIVATELY OWNED PRISONS, versus the GOVERNMENT OWNED AND OPERATED PRISONS, indeed the government ones which could quite plainly afford the regularly and most defiantely deserved fines for obviosu failures,figuratively speaking,since the government itself would be providing the limitless funds to pay such failure fines, versus the PRIVATELY OWNED ones, which obvsiouly wouldn't be able to meet the government requirement yolked upon them and so end, in eventual bankruptcy. Curious, why doesn't he Cameron government mericllessly offer to end them and buy them out rather than force them in to bankruptchy and so end their business operation in the private sector, versus the easily affordable government sector? Why indeed. Such has to be the intent of the Cameron government, he couldn't possibly be a complete and utterly ridiculous imbecile who could have sensed another modus operandi? Or mayhaps he could and di...n't?.

Clearly Cameron's "fines" are aimed at,without fail, at the very limited private sector, of the Prison operations, with the sole and exclusive intent to drive them out of business and bankrupt.....why then not just tell them and take over their operatiions, returning it all back in to the government fold? I find Cameron's idea of fineing the private sector with respect to prisons, a rather cruel business practice,an unfortuante business practice, and unfair busines practice,and quite simply an intent by the government to not only end, but actually bankrupt those in the private sector who unfortunately chose to enter the prison business in competition with the government,something which has obviously offended the government to such an extent that it has chosen this rather putrid route, that offineing them out of business, leaving only,THE GOVERNMENT, in the business field of criminal incarceration,THE PRISON SYSTEM.Sad and sorrystate of affairs it is Mr. Cameron, sad route you have chosen Mr. Cameron, and unfair route Mr. Camerocn, a route of inequity,inequity and inequality, a route exhibiting your nature Mr. Cameron, that of applying a system of ridiculous and unfair fines applied in such a way as to be impossible for the private sector to deal with, versus a governmental system of business practice which is,now,what with Cameron's law of fines with respect to privately run and owned prison firms, utterly impossible to compete with on a fair and level playing field, an indication of Cameron's thoughts,behaviours and practices with respect to the private sector versus the one he runs,and owns, the government sector.Squirrel is displeased with Cameron's intent,with Cameron's law,with Cameron's fines.All is not fine.

Secret Squirrel Comments On The European Noble Prize,The Truth Of It.

Secret Squirrel's attention has been drawn to the Noble Prize, in Peace,specificaly.Indeed it has had itself besmurched as utter idiocy
with the award going to the likes of Yasser Arafat(Yasser Arafat was awarded the prize in 1994 for his role in advancing the Middle East
peace process. But the former Palestine leader is also credited with creating modern day terrorism and ordered the 1972 Munich massacre,
in which 11 members of the Israeli Olympic team died.), Shimon Peres,Yitzhak Rabin,Al Gore,Henry Kissinger(hearing that the award had
gone to Henry Kissinger, Tom Lehrer declared 'satire is now obsolete'.Former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger, was awarded the
prize in 1973 for negotiating the Vietnam Peace Accords. It later emerged that he was in charge of the secret bombing of Cambodia and
Laos, which saw more than 260million bombs dropped over nine years, and supported brutal regimes in Chile and Argentina.),Barack Obama
none of whom could even yet comprehend the actual meaning of the definition of peace, confusing it utterly and completely, and even yet
defining it with and as ..."Peace- invasion of a foreign land,War,Replacement of a foreign government in conflict with the political
policy,beliefs,system,of yours,Acq1uisition of oils and minerals of a foreign land by means of military subjugation." Now even yet it has been taken a step further, a step further to the status of a ridiculous clown award, it has been awarded to, Europe, the EU or whatever you wish to choose to call the collected agrigate of European nations.

The award of the Nobel Peace Prize to the EU, shows that the spirit of satire is not dead: for surely the present state of the continent ,it's base role in NATO, involving the invasion of Iraq,Afghanistan and several other Arab nations with the intent to make them suzurain,politicly subservient, for the purpose of acquiring direct and complete control of the oil resources,in difference to the lives
of the common peoples of said stated and invaded nations.It can hardly have escaped the notice of the committee that awarded the prize.

It is a bit like awarding the prize in economics to Bernie Madoff or that in medicine to Harold Shipman, the British doctor who found a way of killing 200 of his patients without detection.If there were a Nobel prize for the creation of conditions for conflict and war, then it could be awarded to the EU without irony or satire.Like most people, I reacted to the news that the EU had won the Nobel Peace
Prize with a shout of delighted mirth. In picking this moment – just as the euro brings national antagonisms to a new high – the committee members have revealed a sublime comic genius.I have this warm fuzzy feeling inside brought on by the EU winning the peace prize ........ oh right, I see why....I'm going to vomit!Evidently the Nobel Committee is bidding  for the Perrier Comedy award.Next

year, what with the collapse of Greece,Spain,Ireland,Italy et all, they will probably win it for Economics you know.This year, the 93rd in which the award has been made, the committee has surpassed all previous follies and travesties. The peace prize has been given to the European Union. the winner obviously had to be the EU. If one is going to have a laugh, one might as well make it a big one.Even yet
internally Europe is in a riotous state.

After all, did the judges take into account rioting in the streets of Greece, Italy and Spain in protest against eurozone austerity measures.  Peace in Europe? Greeks dressed as Nazis protest against Angela Merkel's visit to Athens,read the headlines.Relations between EU members are at their worst for decades and likely to deteriorate further — this week, protesters dressed as Nazis
to greet German Chancellor Angela Merkel on her visit to Greece. Europe’s economies are stagnant, with little early prospect of improvement. The future of the European project is in the melting pot, and every decision-maker on the continent knows it.

Only the other day I happened to visit Oslo, where the Nobel committee holds its deliberations. A local acquaintance said to me: ‘We Norwegians find ourselves in a strange situation. We have all this oil and gas making us hugely rich, so we watch all the horrors going on in the EU rather as spectators on the balcony of a luxury hotel might look down upon a train wreck in the valley below.’

I do not think of Norwegians as sadistic people, but the Nobel judges have inflicted upon us all a huge, cruel practical joke awarding their Prize to the European Union at its lowest point since its inception — the moment at which almost every citizen of its 27 nations is asking: Where did the Noble Peace Prize go so horribly wrong?

 Greeks are angry at the draconian austerity measures imposed on them by the Berlin and Brussels-led 'Troika. Merkel of Germany even yet goes to the draconian measures of banning the American cartoon the Simpsons, from showing nuclear accidents,incidents and melt downs,how Stalin like, how Nazi like.A good case might be made for President Jacob Zuma of South Africa, for promoting harmony among his six wives. There might well have been some especially deserving leader of the Taliban who attracted the interest of the Nobel Committee.

But, in the end, the winner obviously had to be the EU. If one is going to have a laugh, one might as well make it a big one.

After all, the judges could take into account rioting in the streets of Greece, Italy and Spain in protest against eurozone austerity measures.They picked Europe.....
Presumably somebody spoke up in favour of Russia’s brutal Vladimir Putin,but obviously Pussy Riot would have REALLY deserved the award,but they didn't get it, they got.......jail, in the gulag.The Noble Peace Prize has been a ridiculous joke for a number of years now.Awarding the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union Friday, former Norwegian Prime Minister Thorbjorn Jagland, the hapless award
committee chairman, said: "We want to focus on what has been achieved in Europe in terms of peace and reconciliation.… It is a message to Europe to secure what they have achieved … and not let the continent go into disintegration again because it means the emergence of extremism and nationalism."Forgetting,of course, ignoring, of course, the European NATO invasions of many Arabs lands, withe the intent to suppress,reduce, and decimate the infrastructures, miring those invaded nations in the mud of destroyed infrastructures, such that
they are thence repressed,suppressed,subjugated, to the role of simply existing whilst they supply oil to Europe for little if nothing, by military might, by and through invasion, by and through, war......such that war is the European peace of subjugation, such is Europe.,such is European Peace, a Prize it is really. A prize, in other words, awarded for future efforts as much as past achievement,through ...........war.

And so the descent of the Nobel Peace Prize into parody or, failing that, pastiche continues. Plainly, this honor awarded in this year of all years is little more than a sympathy note designed to offer some cheer to the eurozone in a time of perpetual, irresolvable wars of subjugation of foreigners so that Europeans may enjoy life as they do.The Noble Peace Prize, a celebration of that means to and
end.Say this much for the 2012 prize: At least there has been peace in Western Europe these past 60 years. How much credit the institutions of European economic and latterly political cooperation deserve for this blessed state of affairs is an interesting question. But the idea that the EU is a democracy-spreader is weaker than it looks. It is true that Southern (Portugal, Spain, Greece) and Eastern Europe have embraced democracy like never before in their histories, and it's true as well that the carrot of EU membership and assorted other benefits has played a role in this process. The EU's allure has surely played a part in moving the former Yugoslavia toward a more peaceful, civilized future -- and even in nudging poor, unwanted Turkey toward democratic reforms.

But it might also be observed that other parts of the world have moved to more democratic arrangements without the incentive of EU membership. Latin America and parts of Asia and even Africa have shifted to democracy, so there is at least a plausible argument that the EU is given more credit than it merits for Europe's peaceful embrace of the ballot box. Might it have happened even without the EU?

Possibly.But,hey, did the peaceful nations of Australia, New Zealand, Japan, merit the award? Not. But THEY deserved it, nobdoy else did really.But hey, life is a lie isn't it, or is it made so......by whom.Perhaps the Norwegians are actually great humorists. There is a certain gallows amusement to this award being given to this organization at this time. For many of its inhabitants, the EU or, more precisely, the eurozone, has become a suffocating monster squeezing the life from economies with little enough room to breathe as it is.

In Ireland, Greece, Spain, Portugal, and, perhaps soon enough, Italy too, this award can only be seen as a comedian's black joke.In the end, of course, the Nobel Peace Prize is treated with greater reverence or importance than it really deserves. For all its history and prestige, it is, in the end, only a matter of good intentions. And while noble and better than some alternatives, good intentions have rarely been enough in international affairs. This, of course, is true of the European Union too, so in this respect at least, perhaps this silly award is fitting after all.

What ever happened to awarding the Peace Prize to such universally esteemed persons as Mother Theresa, Pope John Paul II, and Nelson Mandela? Is the world truly absent of such greats that the Committee needs lower the criteria to the level of the EU and Barack Obama?Obama is President of a nation which has invaded the most nations in history,objecting to governmental natures,and also in efforts to accrue access to their natural resources,bymeans of what actually amounts to slavery,enslavement).

There are words to describe what is going on across Europe,and in America, driven by the policies of Barack Obama, but "peaceful" isn't one of them.

Has the committee which runs the Nobel Peace Prize been infiltrated by satirists or opponents keen on discrediting the organization?The parody continues...

The European Union has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize,

Perhaps a colleague of mine said it best "The Norwegians could have given the Peace Prize to my right testicle, would have been more legitimate".

 The committee said the EU had helped to transform Europe from a continent of war to a continent of peace (lets all forget civil and other wars in Romania, Yugoslavia, Kosovo, supporting Al Qaeda (rebels) in Syria, interventions in Afghanistan, Egypt, Iraq...).

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg says it is 'slightly interesting' to give to the award to an 'acronym',at least he had that much intelligence.Tory MEPs joke the Nobel committee 'is a little late for an April fools joke' and declare: 'Parody is redundant',and they are right on the mark there.

Tony Blair hails the EU as 'one of the defining concepts' of the last 50 years,but then, he's an idiot isn't he. Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Desmond Tutu called for Tony Blair to face prosecution at the International Criminal Court for his role in the 2003 U.S.-led invasion of Iraq

Tutu, the retired Anglican Church's archbishop of South Africa, wrote in an op-ed piece for The Observer newspaper that the ex-leaders of Britain should be made to "answer for his actions."He went on to say the Iraq war "has destabilized and polarized the world to a greater extent than any other conflict in history," wrote
Tutu, who was awarded the Nobel prize in 1984.He called for the "lying" Tony Blair, to face trial."Those responsible for this suffering and loss of life should be treading the same path as some of their African and Asian peers who have been made to answer for their actions in the Hague," he added,but so it goes,dog eat dog,
We must remember that The Prize is awarded by a panel of five people from Norway - which is not even a member of the EU,perhaps they're trying to suck up to entry. The European Union will receive the $1.2million dollar prize in December,perhaps this is some form of Norwegian bribe for membership, it does beat herrings you know.One wag said,'It would require a heart of stone not to die of laughter.

It is the most ridiculous decision since the committee gave the peace prize to Barack Obama when he had been US President for two minutes."He's right you know.The Nobel Peace Prize has seemingly the same value as Taco Bell Employee of the Month!

Secret Squirrel Comments On Felix Baumgartner's Claim To Be The First Freefall Human To Be Supersonic.

   Secret Squirrel has seen the headlines, basically they read

"Felix Baumgartner,First Man To Free Fall Breaking The Sound Barrier.",

but Secret Squirrel challenges the claim,scientifcally, taking in to account Newton's Second Law Of Motion, a scientifcally accepted and true fact of life and physics, a Law Of Physics, an unbreakable Law Of Physics. Indeed read on, view the scientific evidence, and ponder for yourself,scientificly.
Here ponder please the quoted scientific statemnt of Newton's Second Law Of Motion..........

Here commences the quoted epistle........
 
Newton's Second Law of Motion

Free Fall and Air Resistance

In a previous unit, it was stated that all objects (regardless of their mass) free fall with the same acceleration - 9.8 m/s/s. This particular acceleration value is so important in physics that it has its own peculiar name - the acceleration of gravity - and its own peculiar symbol - g. But why do all objects free fall at the same rate of acceleration regardless of their mass? Is it because they all weigh the same? ... because they all have the same gravity? ... because the air resistance is the same for each? Why? These questions will be explored in this section of Lesson 3.

In addition to an exploration of free fall, the motion of objects that encounter air resistance will also be analyzed. In particular, two questions will be explored:

    Why do objects that encounter air resistance ultimately reach a terminal velocity? 
In situations in which there is air resistance, why do more massive objects fall faster than less massive objects?

To answer the above questions, Newton's second law of motion (Fnet = m•a) will be applied to analyze the motion of objects that are falling under the sole influence of gravity (free fall) and under the dual influence of gravity and air resistance.

Free Fall Motion

As learned in an earlier unit, free fall is a special type of motion in which the only force acting upon an object is gravity. Objects that are said to be undergoing free fall, are not encountering a significant force of air resistance; they are falling under the sole influence of gravity. Under such conditions, all objects will fall with the same rate of acceleration, regardless of their mass. But why? Consider the free-falling motion of a 1000-kg baby elephant and a 1-kg overgrown mouse.

If Newton's second law were applied to their falling motion, and if a free-body diagram were constructed, then it would be seen that the 1000-kg baby elephant would experiences a greater force of gravity. This greater force of gravity would have a direct affect upon the elephant's acceleration; thus, based on force alone, it might be thought that the 1000-kg baby elephant would accelerate faster. But
acceleration depends upon two factors: force and mass. The 1000-kg baby elephant obviously has more mass (or inertia). This increased mass has an inverse affect upon the elephant's acceleration. And thus, the direct affect of greater force on the 1000-kg elephant is offset by the inverse affect of the greater mass of the 1000-kg elephant; and so each object accelerates at the same rate -
approximately 10 m/s/s. The ratio of force to mass (Fnet/m) is the same for the elephant and the mouse under situations involving free fall.

This ratio (Fnet/m) is sometimes called the gravitational field strength and is expressed as 9.8 N/kg (for a location upon Earth's surface). The gravitational field strength is a property of the location within Earth's gravitational field and not a property of the baby elephant nor the mouse. All objects placed upon Earth's surface will experience this amount of force (9.8 N) upon every 1 kilogram
of mass within the object. Being a property of the location within Earth's gravitational field and not a property of the free falling object itself, all objects on Earth's surface will experience this amount of force per mass. As such, all objects free fall at the same rate regardless of their mass. Because the 9.8 N/kg gravitational field at Earth's surface causes a 9.8 m/s/s acceleration of any object
placed there, we often call this ratio the acceleration of gravity.
Here ends the quoted epistle........

To this point in question, this has been found at

http://www.physicsclassroom.com/class/newtlaws/u2l3e.cfm

and so too being scientific proof, I have included the scientific physical reasoning here fully.

Well now we have a fine kettle of fish..........for those of you who wish to view this particular in question event, do so here at.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/9608084/Felix-Baumgartner-breaks-speed-of-sound.html

Mach Speed.......so they said, so the headlines said, but the question now is did Felix Baumgartner break the sound barrier? The former military parachutist rose in a purpose-built capsule beneath a giant helium balloon to a height of more than 128,000ft – almost four times the height of a cruising passenger airliner.His remarkable feat came exactly 65 years to the day after Chuck Yeager became the
first man to break the sound barrier in an aeroplane, and it was one of three world records Baumgartner set with his jump. He also smashed the records for the highest manned balloon flight and the highest skydive.So they said, but did he break the sound barrier in light of the above, in the light of Newon's laws?

BUT they claim he did, they say he was the first to do so...............but..............well, in light of Newton's laws,is it
possible........and further more, they claim he was the first to do so.WELL.....IF it was possible........then have not, say passengers, ejected from the breakup of jetliners, not then also break the soundbarrier, and certainly far more earlier. One must ascertain who was the first passenger so ejected,fro height, and THEN we would've found the first human to break the sound barrier,not that they survived
their landing by any means,but,unquestionably then, a human did break the sound barrier in free fall very much longer than did Baumgartner, he just jumped from higher up,and,of course, survived the landing,but he did and couldn't fall any faster than THEY did, given Newton's obsolutely physically unbreakable laws.

So reasons Secret Squirrel..and so too,do physicists.

Secret Squirrel On Standardizing Europe To English

Secret Squirrel has seen that there has come a time,now to be exact, when Europe must standardize the language,the common language,must
have a single OFFICIAL language, and of course the only logical solution that Squirrel sees,is english, BUT ,they, of course ,all won't agree,there being 23 languages in use in Europe,BUT many are,of course, very minor in nature and use, and too highly complex to be, of course, considered for THE common language.Now, that really,logically, leaves only THREE major contenders, French,German, and,the logical one, English.
Now Mark Twain  In his essay The Awful German Language  spares no pains to prove German has horrific horrible shortcomings, complete disorder and lack of system,words far too complex and long, far too many odd umlauts and things, utterly ridiculous pronounciation etc so what with the wisdoms of Twain preceeding use, we can utterly and completely reject German, besides nobody in Europe really likes them what with the World Wars you know, so they're easily voted out. Now, what of the french. Well,Mark Twain also commented, rightly on the french language, he found it to be, as it is,"a mess of trivial sounds", and frenchman themselves, as a link between man and monkey.So that leaves us with only on logical choice,English.
Now all Europeans, and indeed those all over the world, already speak English, or a form of it,some form of it, an odd form of it, mixed with their own. English ius an easy language, but we can, for the genereral European intelect, make it much easier for them, by modifying such that even they can then speak it and
write it perfectly well, and we sahll as you shall see. Now Twain saw English as the best language, adaptable, but a bit flawed and wished to change it's rules such that it would be easier to master, and he did this, expounding on this, in his "A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling",what he suggested here follows with suitable example as provided by that great mind..........

(Directly from his work...)
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s," and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.
Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g / j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c," "y," and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais "ch," "sh," and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Here we can see he was working hard at it.

There was yet another lad who worked hard at modifying the English language and suggested the necessary changes to make it more acceptable to all of the world.......

And here is the W. K. Lessing (Dolton Edwards ) piece as it appeared in the September 1946 issue of Astounding Science Fiction magazine:

Meihem In Ce Klasrum
by Dolton Edwards.
Because we are still bearing some of the scars of our brief skirmish with II-B English, it is natural that we should be enchanted with

Mr. George Bernard Shaw's proposal for a simplified alphabet.

Obviously, as Mr. Shaw points out, English spelling is in much need of a general overhauling and streamlining. However, our resistance to any changes requiring a large expenditure of mental effort in the near future would cause us to view with some apprehension the possibility of some day receiving a morning paper printed in - to us - Greek.

Our own plan would achieve the same end as the legislation proposed by Mr. Shaw, but in a less shocking manner, as it consists merely of an acceleration of the normal processes by which the language is continually modernized.

As a catalytic agent, we would suggest that a "National Easy Language Week" be proclaimed, which the President would inaugurate, outlining some short cut to concentrate on during the week, and to be adopted during the ensuing year. All school children would be given a holiday, the lost time being the equivalent of that gained by the spelling short cut.

In 1946, for example, we would urge the elimination of the soft "c," for which we would substitute "s." Sertainly, such an improvement would be selebrated in all sivic-minded sircles as being suffisiently worth the trouble, and students in all sities in the land would be reseptive toward any change eliminating the nesessity of learning the differense between the two letters.

In 1947, sinse only the hard "c" would be left, it would be possible to substitute "k" for it, both letters being pronounsed identikally. Imagine how greatly only two years of this prosess would klarify the konfusion in the minds of students. Already we would have eliminated an entire letter from the alphabet. Typewriters and linotypes kould all be built with one less letter, and all the manpower and materials previously devoted to making "c's" kould be turned toward raising the national standard of living.

In the fase of so many notable improvements, it is easy to foresee that by 1948, "National Easy Language Week" would be a pronounsed sukses. All skhool tshildren would be looking forward with konsiderable exsitement to the holiday, and in a blaze of national publisity it would be announsed that the double konsonant "ph" no longer existed, and that the sound would henseforth be written with "f " in all
words. This would make sutsh words as "fonograf" twenty persent shorter in print.

By 1949, publik interest in a fonetik alfabet kan be expekted to have inkreased to the point where a more radikal step forward kan be taken without fear of undue kritisism. We would therefore urge the elimination at that time of al unesesary double leters, whitsh, although quite harmles, have always ben a nuisanse in the language and a desided deterent to akurate speling. Try it yourself in the next leter you write, and se if both writing and reading are not fasilitated.

With so mutsh progrs already made, it might be posible in 1950 to delve further into the posibilities of fonetik speling. After due konsideration of the reseption aforded the previous steps, it should be expedient by this time to spel al difthongs fonetikaly. Most students do not realize that the long "i" and "y," as in "time" and "by," are aktualy the difthong "ai," as it is writen in "aisle," and that the long "a" in "fate" is in reality the difthong "ei" as in "rein." Although perhaps not imediately aparent, the seiving in taime and efort wil be tremendous when we leiter elimineite the sailent "e," as meide posible bai this last tsheinge.

For, as is wel known, the horible mes of "e's" apearing in our writen language is kaused prinsipaly bai the present nesesity of indekeiting whether a vowel is long or short. Therefore, in 1951 we kould simply elimineite al sailent "e's" and kontinu to read and wrait merily along as though we wer in an atomik eig of edukation.

In 1951 we would urg a greit step forward. Sins bai this taim it would hav ben four years sins anywun had usd the leter "c," we would sugest that the "National Easy Languag Wek" for 1951 be devoted to substitution of "c" for "Th." To be sur it would be som taim befor peopl would bekom akustomd to reading ceir newspapers and buks wic sutsh sentenses in cem as "Ceodor caught he had cre cousand cistls
crust crough ce cik of his cumb."

In ce seim maner, bai meiking eatsh leter hav its own sound and cat sound only, we kould shorten ce languag stil mor. In 1952 we would eliminait ce "y"; cen in 1953 we kould us ce leter to indekeit ce "sh" sound, cerbai klarifaiing words laik yugar and yur, as wel as redusing bai wun mor leter al words laik "yut," "yor," and so forc. Cink, cen, of al ce benefits to be geined bai ce distinktion whitsh wil cen be meid between words laik:

    Tradspel
    ocean
    machine
    racial     Drem
    oyean
    Mayin
    reyial     ENglis
    oSan
    maSEn
    rasal     Spanglish
    óshan
    machien
    réshal

Al sutsh divers weis of wraiting wun sound would no longer exist, and whenever wun keim akros a "y" sound he would know exaktli what to wrait.

Kontinuing cis proses, ier after ier, we would eventuali hav a reali sensibl writen langug. By 1975, wi ventyur tu sei, cer wud bi no mor uv ces teribli trublsum difikultis, wic no tu leters usd to indikeit ce seim nois, and laikwais no tui noises riten wic ce seim leter. Even Mr. Yaw, wi beliv, wud be hapi in ce noleg cat his drims fainali keim tru.

    Reprinted from Astounding Science Fiction, Street and Smith Publications, Inc. (now Analog Science Fiction and Fact ). 1946.

Ah we can see the great minds at work here, great minds thinking alike, minds very much the almost equal to that of Secret Squirrel,but not quite mind.

Ben Franklin(in England mostly noted for his membership in The Naughty Hellfire Club,and also being regarded as the biggest traitor to England) also saw flaws in English and suggested changes to it as well.Benjamin Franklin's phonetic alphabet was Benjamin Franklin's proposal for a spelling reform of the English language. It used many of the same letters, but changed some of them and what sounds they
represented. It was one of the earliest proposed spelling reforms to the English language.

So we can see that English is changeable,adaptable, and will still be english for all of us, and so then we must adapt them in to our language by adapting thelanguage in totheir language,and so by means of syncretism, adapt them in to our language and absrob them in to our proper language by changing our adaptable and ever changing language to include and absorb them properlyto assimilate them, in to it so that they see the light and embrace English as the language, the sole language, the official language of Europe. Ah, yes, but how to do that? Well, we can do that, it can be done, all by proper tried and true scintific m,ethod, embracing and using the ever adapting,inclusive and changing nature of the English language itself......to quote the Borg, "They shall be assimilated.".More than
300m use English as their first foreign language and half of these regard themselves as fluent.English has become Europe's second language of choice with two thirds of people in the continent able to speak it, according to a survey.A logical choice for THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE,of Europe, ans yes, of the world,indeed.English is already Europe's lingua franca and it's time for politicians and educators of Europe to realize and acknowledge that fact.English began its development in Great Britain and was spread across the globe through the Commonwealth nations. It became so influential across the Commonwealth that countries adopted English above and beyond their own languages.
Back to the case of India; with more than 22,000 languages and dialects it is perhaps clear why English became so popular and unifying. However, Hindi, being the most widely spoken language in India, never became the national language. Linguistic experts point out that the speed and depth with which the English language became so popular globally is unbelievable.The English language has taken
on words from many other languages and cultures, giving it its great diversity. There are mnay German, Greek, Latin and French words that have been assimilated by the English language – from avatar, bazaar, bungalow to bandanna and cummerbund.

The major reason as to why the English language is so popular is down to its simplicity and flexibility.English must become the single official language of the European Parliament, defeating its many diplomatic resisters,the 23 other languages of Europe.but how?

Well.........

The main feature of the English language that has made is so popular globally, is the language's adaptability.

What does adaptability mean?Well....change.........ability to include, such as words, or adapted words, adapted phonetics,written and spoken...........evolution,ability to evolve,ability to assimilate and be assimilated,that's adaptability, that which other languages....................lack.

Now we must change English such that it incorporates some elements of all the languges of the world, mixed in as spoken by all those others of the world, and believe you me it can be done, it IS slowly being done as exampled by such English language versions as Ebonics, Spanglish etc etc etc.Not to overhaul english would be linguistic racism..........this is an organized set of attitude,sideas,and practices that deny a racialized group those who do not speak engish as such,the
dignity,opportunities,freedoms and rewards that speaking english properly does, face it they all speak it differently and so then if english is to be the base language of europe it must adapt and make itself flexible and understandable to all, nicht wahr, as it were, or och eye as it is not.,this means speakers and hearers share access to understandings of the pronounciation of the words of the modified,improved,more socially and politically correct version of english to be used by all,whilst acknowledging the inferiority of their own rejected language.This adaptation allows for the leakage of the presumed pronounciation features of their forms of english in to english thus subordinating their language of pronounciation to the proper english.thus their way of pronounciation will be radially subordinate to the correct and proper standard of english.Not to overhaul english would be linguistic racism..........we must, nay,we are forced to, for no to creates a
 set of attitudes,ideas,and practices that deny a racialized group those who do not speak english as such,the dignity,opportunities,freedoms and rewards that speaking english properly does, face it they all speak it differently and so then if english is to be the base language of europe it must adapt and make itself flexible and understandable to all, nicht wahr, as it were, or och eye as it is not,this means speakers and hearers share access to understandings of the pronounciation of the words of the modified,improved,more socially and politically correct version of engloish to be used by all,whilst acknowledging the inferiority of
their own rejected language.This adaptation allows for the leakage of the presumed pronounciation features of their forms of english in to english thus subordinating their language of pronounciation to the proper english....thus their way of pronounciation will be radially subordinate to the correct and proper standard of english,but we shall adapt such that they shall be able to properly pronounce
and utilize the English language to the fullest.

Now changes we shall make will be implimented in gradual stages such that each and evry individual of every other language speaking nation is accomodated, as we ourselves are and shall be....now....

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f '. This will make words like 'fotograf ' 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgraseful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' to beter align the modified language with the kapabilities of the Euro speaker.

During ze fifz yer ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor truble or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru! Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

But there is still something that plagues me over this though...........it does sound an awful lot like,and spell an awful lot like,some kind of kraut dialect you know.

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,(Duny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.

Secret Squirrel Berates Canada On The Removal Of The Penny

Here's Secret Squirrel's two cents worth of opinion,taking note that Squirrel has never nickled and dimed you with his opinions,no indeed.And what is Squirrel's two cents worth concerned with? Squirrel is concerned with the Canadian government's remoival of the cent,the penny,,their pence as it were.It just makes no cents to do so as Squirrel sees it,just makes trouble for the Canadian population on the whole, the Canadian government treating them like so many holes,on the whole.Squirrel has a penny worth of thoughts on this subject and her shares them with you.

Firstly let's look at the history of the early pennies, as they were created for proper use,and right use, so very many centuries ago, by those far wiser than Canadian politicians.......

First pennies

Through the end of the 7th century, no Anglo-Saxon coins had been minted in any metal besides gold.

In Northumbria, pennies made of silver were being minted in the name of Bishop Eadbert (consecrated between 772 and 782, died between 787 and 789), some in
the name of his brother Archbishop Egbert (the shilling is one of the oldest of English coins, preceding the penny).

Pepin the Short, in about 735, minted the novus denarius. The novus denarius was based on the denarius and the penny was based on the novus denarius. He declared that 240 pennies or pfennigs should be minted from one Carolingian pound, approximately 326 grams (11.5 oz), of silver, so a single coin contained about 1.36 grams (0.048 oz) of silver. (As of December 2011, this would cost about £0.98).

Circa 790 Charlemagne instituted a major monetary reform, introducing a new silver penny with a smaller diameter but greater mass. Surviving examples of this penny have an average mass of 1.70 gram (although some experts estimate the ideal theoretical mass at 1.76 gram). The purity is variously given as 0.95 or 0.96.

The penny was introduced into England by King Offa, the king of Mercia (from 757 until his death in July 796), using as a model a coin first struck by Pepin the Short. King Offa minted a penny made of silver which weighed 221/2 grains or 240 pennies weighing one Saxon pound (or Tower pound—equal to 5,400 grains—as it was afterwards called), hence the term pennyweight.(Besides introducing the penny in to England, Offa was wise enought to wall dyke in the Welsh surrounding Wales with a huge earthworks dyke to be seen to the present day,to keep the Welsh in as it were, and so out of England as it was,he can't possibly have been ignorant there for by logical reasoning.)

    The coinage of Offa's lifetime falls essentially into two phases, one of the light pennies of medium flan comparable to those of the reign of Pepin and the first decades of that of Charlemagne in France, and another of heavier pennies struck on larger flans that date from Offa's last years and correspond in size to Charlemagne's novus denarius introduced in 793/4. But the sceat fabric survived in East Anglia under Beonna and until the mid 9th century in Northumbria, while the new-style coinages were not merely those of Offa, but were stuck also by king of East Anglia, Kent, and Wessex, by two archbishops of Canterbury, and even in the name of Offa's queen, Cynethryth.Henry III in 1257 minted a gold penny which had the value of twenty silver pence. The weight and value of the silver penny steadily declined from 1300 onwards.

And so the penny was, in wisdom, born, so very early on.And so what of the day, the present day...........what have we to say, but.........

A penny for your thoughts, a popular saying, a popular request, the politicians, the Canadian politicians, thought it far too cheap for their thoughts, swelled head that they have, so they thought they rewrite it to A Nickel for your thoughts,well their thoughts and actions aren't worth a cent really, t'is true, subconciously they knew it, but their ego's wouldn't let them drop it to half a cent,and they certainly think your thoughts aren't worth a cent.Scots now ridicule Canadians openly saying, "Eye y'a 'av na got a penny fur ma tots.",and the Irish say "Ah begoran ya 'ave no got a penny fer ma thoughts." as well.Sadly tghis Canadian move has sorely affected Scottish and Irish thoughts but of course Canadian politicians don't care a rats arse for the thoughts of Scots nor the Irish.

Further their egos drove'em on, knowing there was the expression,bad penny, knowing that politicians were referred to as bad pennies,so the penny just had to go.Well they can still be called and referred to as bad nickels if things come to that,as they shall.

Another expression they've done in is A penny saved is a penny earned.Well now Canadians can't be said to earn a penny,it's destroyed the nation what the politicians have donenot that they knew, or know, or could possibly know that that''s exactly what they've done,that's what they were dooing, nay,not themwhy they've gone and turned the Canadians in to a bunch of penniless sad sacks doomed to lives of penury without a penny.Top it all off now the Canadian government won't give two cents to their complaints.
Even kids have gotten nickled and dimed by the Canadian government as this means the end of their fav penny whistle candy, and horrors, no more penny bubble gum balls, no doubt the politicians realizing this are moving in on the gum ball machine racket.I never put it past them.

And so too are gone penny ante busineses,for the politicians have now decided to undoubtablye come out of the closet and go hard core with their arranged businesses,organized crime it all is.

Gone now too are the days of the Penny Arcade, sad pasing for the Canadians, victims of the politicians.Gone too are the days that foreign nations got a red cent from Canada, now not even yet that for them. The Canadian government just has no cents and centsibility.Why just look at the wisdom of the British, the Euro and the pound et all, and through it all the Brits kept their pence,it can't be said that the Brit PM hasn't got his pence, but it can be said that the Canadian Prime Minister hasn't got any cents.Let's just look at how things have changed now that Canada has eliminated the penny, at least in Canada.......

Well, first of all, I'm worth every penny.
Howard Stern


A penny is a lot of money, if you have not got a penny.”yiddish quote

a penny saved is a penny earned-ben franklin

“Penny wise is often pound foolish.”
penny wishing well, now more expensive, lest wishes to the buck.

  “I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.”

 Ken Dodd“Sex in a woman's world has the same currency a penny has in a man's. Every penny saved is a penny earned in one world and in the next every sexualadventure is a literary experience.”

 Harry Golden       

    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I won't play for a penny less than fifteen hundred dollars”

 Honus Wagner    
                   
 A penny saved is a penny earned.
-- Benjamin Franklin.

Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck.
Find a penny, leave it lay, and you'll have bad luck all the day.
-- Proverb

Look after the pennies, and the pounds will take care of themselves.
-- English proverb

In for a penny, in for a pound.
-- English proverb

Every time it rains
it rains pennies from heaven.
-- "Pennies From Heaven," lyrics by Johnny Burke


Pennies do not come from heaven. They have to be earned here on earth.
-- Margaret Thatcher

Just ponder how it has affected all of these quotes.........well it has paid book to Howard Stern's value.but let's not go there, pluses don't count in this desertation on the removal of the penny in Canadian circulation......

Now what value and use and importance has the penny......

To "spend a penny" in British idiom means to urinate. The etymology of the phrase is literal; some public toilets used to be coin-operated, with a pre-decimal penny being the charge levied. The first recorded charge of a penny for use of a toilet was at the The Great Exhibition of 1851.But then the Frenchman Depardieu,(also know as the Ridiculous Flying Fatman) hans't any need of a penny as he pees anyhere without paying,true, and noted.

Let's look at the penny versus the nickel,and also the effects of the removal of the penny,leaving the nickel.........

  Consumers and the Economy — Penny elimination would be bad for consumers and the economy, and the alternative to the penny - rounding to the nickel - will negatively impact working families. Research by Penn State University Economist Ray Lombra shows that were the penny to be eliminated, consumers would be hit with a multi-billion dollar rounding tax.  In addition, the penny is a hedge to inflation.

    Popular support — An overwhelming number of Americans want to keep the penny. A poll conducted March 22-25, 2012 by Opinion Research Corporation International found over two-thirds (67%) of those surveyed favor keeping the penny in circulation. These results confirm the strong and unwavering public support for the penny.  The poll results showed that over two-thirds of adults (67%) favor keeping the penny in circulation; 77% are concerned that if the government implements a rounding system for cash purchases, businesses might raise prices; 66% of Americans oppose eliminating the penny and establishing a price rounding system.

    Demand for Nickels — According to the U.S. Mint, rounding to the nickel would also lead to a demand for increased production of nickels, costing around 11 cents to produce. Applied to FY 2011 cost and shipment data, the Mint would have incurred an additional net loss of $10.3 million without the penny in 2011.
 
  Charities — The penny aids charities in raising hundreds of millions of dollars each year for important causes and clearly demonstrates the coin's value.

Notable charities like Ronald McDonald House Charities , the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, School and Youth Programs , Pennies for Patients, and countless

local groups rely significantly on small penny contributions. On Lincoln's birthday in 2009, the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society celebrated the 15 billionth ($150 million) penny collected by school students across the country for their "Pennies for Patients" program.
    Charge of lost worker productivity — Retail workers are not paid according to their productivity. It is difficult to link time wasted with pennies to a dollar equivalent productivity loss.
Prices will increase - If we eliminate the penny, everything will have to be rounded to the nickel. Merchants will probably round everything up in their favor, costing us more for everything we buy.

The poor pay the most - A corollary to the above argument says that the poor will be affected the most, because they are most likely to make more frequent, smaller purchases, thus suffering the rounding up more often.

Charities need pennies - There are thousands of small charities that depend on penny drives to bring in donations. People think nothing of pouring out their old penny jars to support these drives, but they won't part with nickels so easily.

Nickels cost even more to make - If we eliminate the penny, we will need more nickels in circulation. Nickels cost 7.7 cents to make, (2.7 cents over face value, as opposed to 0.26 cents over face value to make a penny,) so making each nickel costs 1.44 cents more than making each penny. Since the penny costs 0.26 more than face value to make, the Mint can make 5 pennies and still lose less money than making 1 nickel. And, of course, if we eliminate the penny, we'll need a lot more nickels, which will offset the savings of stopping penny manufacture.

And so, remember, the luck of the penny, the Canadian government having left Canadians, as it were,are and is.luckless..........
 
Finding a penny is sometimes considered lucky and gives rise to the saying, "Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck." This may be a corruption of "See a pin and pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck" and similar verses, as quoted in The Frank C. Brown collection of North Carolina folklore and other places.

It is also believed that one may get rid of bad luck by dropping a penny on the ground. The bad luck will go with the coin and be acquired by the next person to pick it up.

Every thoughtful penny believer must sometime pause to ponder the great questions with which we are presented by our penny faith: How came this lucky penny here in my path for me to find? Does it come to me (and I to it) by mere accident, by random chance? Or, could it be that my finding of this penny necessarily had to be, that it was determined by a complex web of inexorably linked events? And just what do I mean by luck, anyway?
Consider the difference in meaning when we say that to find a penny is lucky. Clearly it is not because we are now one cent richer. Rather, it is because the found penny exerts an influence on subsequent events.Lacking the penny, we have no luck,we are.lucked out,out of luck.in short in great trouble,being so deserted then by lady luck who then throws herself upon those who still have pennies.Pennies are blessed because they are of no practical value in a money-grubbing, namebrand-worshiping society. Unbelievers put them in little bowls by cash registers to expedite the purchasing of stuff. By contrast, nickels, dimes, and quarters are money; no one yet gives them awayFrom the person who lost the penny. Luck can be neither created nor destroyed, but is distributed—very unevenly—throughout the living cosmos. Luck continually flows from one living entity to another and back again. When you are dead, you are out of luck,you have no pennies.in short the government wishes us dead.Penny is made from copper, which is one of the oldest metals used by humans. It has played an important role in mythology. Its primary use has been as a specified metal in rituals, but it has also represented the Greek God Venus and to the Greeks, it could protect against evil and attract love. Find a lucky penny means you are being protected against any evil energy, and you can use it as a lucky charm.Many people believe it's best to find pennies heads up and that finding and picking up tails up penny is unlucky. This is based on Manichaeism, a system of religious doctrines based on a supposed primordial conflict between light and darkness or goodness and evil. Centuries ago people believed in polar opposites of good and evil, body and soul, dark and light. With coins, specifically the lucky penny, heads were seen as good while tails was seen as evil.A penny may be tossed overboard when one sets out to sea, in hopes of appeasing the marine gods and thus ensuring a safe passage. Similarly a penny (or other coin) may be tossed into a well or pool in the belief that so doing will cause one's wish to be grantedIt may seen a low tech accessory for a $2.5bn spacecraft, but Nasa has revealed the key to ensuring the Curiosity rover, which landed on the red planet this morning, can see clearly.

It is Curiosity's own lucky penny.

Rather than rely on hi-tech cameras and sensors, the space agency has revealed it secretly hid a lucky penny on its latest craft headed for the red planet.So was it and is it wise for the Canadian Government to have robbed,removed, stolen, the penny from the average Canadian Citizen? No, says I,Secret Squirrel, for any and all of the above reasoning.

Secret Squirrel,
MRL,MP,(Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering)