Keywords:
global,warming,cows,gas,rich,ice,floods,chunnel,electricity,eels,electricity,marlon,brando,ozone,cars,secret squirrel,propulsion
The MRL Global Warming Cow Gas Emission Collection Plan.
Secret Squirrel global warming is a global problem which we must now turn our attention to.Meet the world's top destroyer of the environment. It is not the car, or the plane,or even George Bush,: it is the cow.
A United Nations report has identified the world's rapidly growing herds of cattle as the greatest threat to the climate, forests and wildlife. And they are blamed for a host of other environmental crimes, from acid rain to the introduction of alien species, from producing deserts to creating dead zones in the oceans, from poisoning rivers and drinking water to destroying coral reefs, and also..............global warming.Cows and bulls can produce 500 litres of methane a day.
Here I stand, out in a field in Devonshire,as she stares at me she is constantly chewing... and burping .........and.............farting.One dairy cow gives off enough methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 empty litre bottles of pop, which is really bad for the environment. It turns out that livestock – predominantly cattle – are responsible for an astonishing proportion of global warming gases - 18 percent of the total, to be precise.Indeed these fart gases rise in the atmos and hence are proveably responsible for the ever increasing great hole in the ozone layer.
A single cow could be producing as much as 500 litres of methane per day.
There are more than two million more like her across the UK.
They are the UK's biggest single source of methane - a gas 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide when it comes to global warming.
In fact cattle are responsible for about 3 per cent of all Britain's greenhouse gases. Reduce that and experts say you not only make farming greener and more efficient, it could help Britain achieve its commitments under the Kyoto agreement.But who are the major moral culprits in the events of cows and global warming.......
What countries have the most cattle?Here they are in order of the top ten.
1 India
2 Brazil
3 China
4 US
5 Argentina
6 Sudan
7 Ethiopia
8 Mexico
9 Russian Federation
10 Colombia
Indeed none of these nations can say,."Haven't got a cow man!",as it is time to lay the blame. No indeed, they have cows, and lots of'em, and are the major cause of the problems affecting the world,the problems of global warming. But enough of the cause of global warming, are there then solutions to the problem....................well................
Argentine scientists are studying the effects of global warming by strapping plastic tanks to the backs of cows to collect their gas.
Researchers say the slow digestive system of cows makes them a producer of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas that gets far less attention than carbon dioxide as a potential cause of global warming.
So to collect it a plastic tank is fitted to the cow's back and connected through a tube to the animal's stomach.
Aha! Wisdom prevails, but not in the Argentinians.indeed they are studying the problem, collecting gases to study the problem. Little do they realize that that is the actual solution to the problem...the have absolutely no hindsight in the foresight of their studies...indeed fitting each and every cow with such a gas collector, collecting both belches, and farts..............would save humanity!!!
Oh the humanity of it! Fields of cows,cows running about India,etc etc etc, fitted with these gas bag collecting tanks.Not to study but to actually collect,to gather, to bottle. Said tanks could thence be emptied, trucks coming about on a daily basis to collect the methane gas, and then that gas being bottled and condensed, and hence use in place of such gases as propane, an offspring of.......oil. Indeed this collected gas could be storage tanked and thence used as cooking gas for homes, heating gas for homes,homes could be lit by it!!
Indeed the mind boggles, said gas could also have applications in being burned to provide gas fuels for motor cars,lorries and buses. Indeed once more we in the MRL have excelled, identified the problem, and applied a technologically engineered cure for the betterment of humanity whilst at the same time ending the most massive contributer to the global warming crisis.The world is saved!! By the MRL!!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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How The M.R.L. Will Make EACH U.K. Citizen Rich For Life
Secret Squirrel knows how to make you rich!
(Now, I was pondering the huge payout figures for General Motors, which the British government HAS available to it..........I then pondered the population figures for the UK....got out the calculator..............and................well...................do read on..................what's more important, General Motors, or the UK Citizens and YOU? I fully realize that Labour ponders things differently, but here are MY MRL views on what should be done with the available 500million pounds................)
GM told insolvency 'better for Opel than bail-out' - Telegraph
7 Mar 2009 ... GM told insolvency 'better for Opel than bail-out' ... GM is believed to want Britain to contribute around £500m to the European rescue .......................
.so the headlines read............but think now, let's analyze this.......
Well now................dire straits for General Motors? Dire straits for Britain with the loss of the foreign US General Motors jobs.....but face it, here this means that Britain with it's population of 61 million, could afford 500m pounds....................now Britain also spends billion elsewhere...but why waste it on General Motors........
It is the sudden realization of the magnitude of this payout.....it is the magnitude of the figure here mentioned to give to a foreign firm for employing a FEW people,in and by comparison with the sum total of the population of the U.K.........but how many people, Britain has a population (United Kingdom), of 61 million...................
It suddenly occurred to me that the UK Government CAN easily afford 500m pounds...........BUT why then does the Labour government, then simply allow General Motors with it's ridiculously low job figures, compared with 61 million UK citizens,to BE GIVEN that princely and handsome sum.................why not then divide the 500m pounds by the 61m population of the United Kingdom, and then......since it is obviously affordable.....pay EACH UNITED KINGDOM CITIZEN 8.1Million Pounds? Think about it, nobody need work, everybody'd be rich, IT IS AFFORDABLE, the Government has it, the government wishes to spend it, why spend it on a foreign firm such as General Motors, Yes! Simply give each U.k. citizen 8.1million pounds instead, and so the 500m pounds could be said to have been wisely spent.
Secret Squirrel,(Frank John Hermann)
M.R.L.
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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MRL Proposal To Sell Ice To The Canadians.
Secret Squirrel can turn a profit from selling cheap ice to the Canadians!
What once used to be a joking phrase defining a certain kind of salesman may turn out to be prophetic, in my estimation when I achieved a monumentally profitable plot to sell ice to the Canadians, and so provide we in Britain with our fish and chips.
With the dwindling ice pack in the Arctic Ocean, the lives of Canadian Eskimos and polar bears are threatened by global warming.The Canadian government knows what they need.
What the Canadian Arctic needs is ice.But can they afford the real thing? Quite plainly it's
much too costly to set up ice making apparatus in the vicious environment of the Canadian
Northlands..........so if we are to turn a profit off of the Canadians and finally make the
colony pay, we must sell them an alternative which is much cheaper for us to manufacture.
I propose we form a company and start making artificial ice floes to place in the Arctic Ocean to give the polar bears platforms to hunt seals from.
We can make 4 foot thick Styrofoam sheets that look and function like real ice floes,which is much yet cheaper to a pondered proposal, that of using cheaper, but much more expensive than styrofoam, Brazilian wood(which would also save the rain forest and contribute to our reduction of Britain's environmental carbon footprint.)
So the Canadian Eskimoes are threatened because there are fewer polar bears, so we provide at a handsome profit the artificial ice flows such that the polar bears can sit on them, be threatened and hunted by the eskimoes who want to do that and require the polar bears for their sustainance, and the polar bears can threaten and hunt the seals, which the polar bears require for their sustainance, and so the reduced numbers of seals such that they do not consume the cod fish we require for our sustinance in Britain.
So we go in to mass production and sales to the Canadians of the artificial ice floes so we can save the polar bears,save the poor Canadian eskimoes, reduce the seal population and so save the cod fish we require for our fish and chips , all to the great applause of the world.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Emergency MRL Flood Floatation Equipment
Secret Squirrel knows floods occur,recur, the local populace is always imperiled. No matter what, incumbent governments ignore the
problems, stating the waters will subside if one simply waits, and also that flooding won't occur again,such as occurred in the middle of England ......it does, point in fact ,but in the meanwhile the local populace,which is the people of England, suffer,worry, drown etc etc etc.
Indeed they suffered yet again,as well,in the city of New Orleans in the former colony of the Americas...........indeed 7inches of a rain storm, and the populace was once again waist deep in water. While the occurrence was suppressed in the Americas press, I made note of the fact and set my engineering skills to work. What needs be done? To assist the populace to float through such events,to enable them to empower them, to be able to weather a flood whenever it suddenly occurs,whether government acknowledges the flood occurring or not! Indeed how to deal with such a sudden event,how to be ever ready for such an event? Well, the best course of action is to wear devices such that the populace could ever be ready. Now wearing bulky life vests is on the ridiculous side, so we must turn our engineering expertness to the actual design of clothes themselves. Now, we usually have two forms of weather, mostly hot or extremely regularly warm, and a touch on the cooler side.
Well now I have discovered, existent a ready made solution for the female population, the bikini, the bikini with suitable inflatable water wing breasts! Indeed, this would benefit in terms of style as the female could have a larger set of bristols,zoomers or whatever they are referred to, and at the same time,in the event of a flood could maximally inflate such that they become life saving ,buoyant water wings...as is show in the accompanying picture.
For the cooler days, a dress could be worn, an inflatable dress,but not only inflatable, one that inflates into a full size kayak boat dress and so save the wearing much discomfort and worry during flood situations...again see the accompanying picture of the kayak dress as it could be used.Indeed we in the MRL would see to it, that every female in Britain would be provided,gratis, as in free, as in at no cost to them, one of each of these items. Of course, they might like to purchase more for their wardrobe but that extra cost would have to be born by them. As for males, a suitable pair of blowup kayak pants could be developed for their supply and use.
Indeed as ever, hands reaching out across the water to our misfortunate colonials in The Americas, particularly New Orleans,we could also sent up not lend lease as they provided during our war ,but rather borrow rental during this period of their meteorological war.
See accompanying images of these fascinating,useful and necessary flood clothing items.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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The M.R.L.Solving Britain's Flood Water Problems
Well now, what with the recent floodings, and re-floodings occurring now virtually and in reality every year, something should be done about it. But of course the incumbent government has been laggardly in dealing with the recurring situations. There is a solution to the problem, a sound engineering solution, based on sound hydrological engineering principles, the very sound principles set down by the Romans. It all works and will work, on the basis of the Roman knowledge of hydrology, namely that water follows the rule of law written in hydrology that water must flow downhill, unless it is arrested by a rise in the land. Now Britain is up at the top of the world, and extends downwards, quite rightly, and properly with France and the French beneath us.
What needs be done, is quite simply, starting at the top, we construct,in the earth of course, a long line drainage canal extending downwards, towards and collecting at Dover. Why collecting, well there will be several branch lines joining the main artery canal,all part of a drainage canal system
Now the Collector, as it is called, where the water will be disposed of, is quite properly the Chunnel, to which the storm water will the be directed in to, continuing on, ever following the legalities of the Laws Of Hydrology, flowing downwards, and emerging in France, where it will be a French problem for them to deal with.
You recall a previous engineering plan of allowing the sewage of Great Britain to be collected and directed in to the Chunnel? Well, there will be no problem there as the Chunnel can accommodate both the sewage flows and the storm water flows,as some area cities already do have and share a common sewage/sanitation/storm drain system, so too can that principle be applied here, rather than separate, saving the costs of building another Chunnel...........a Pence saved is a Pound earned, until the government takes your pence.
Ever onwards, the M.R.L. solves problems through sound engineering principles.No problem there.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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From the private files of......................
Secret Squirrel
The Rebel Had A Cause.
Secret Squirrel has found,hidden amongst the private papers of Marlon Brando the most brilliant plan to make each and every house in Britain independent of the electrics works companies. Brando envisaged a plan to string electric eels
round and about the swimming pool and then run cables to the house to electrically power the edifice.
Indeed a bold and innovative plan. All that remains is for the M.R.L. to take up his engineering genius
and free the British people from slavery to the electric works.Marlon Brando with his scheme to provide free and readily available eel-ectricity to the people,the people who make up humanity! Oh the humanity of Brando! Genius extraordinare.
Secret Squirrel
(M.R.L.)
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
And just look at this, years after Brando's misfortunate departure from this world......
Japan eel wishes you an electric Christmas
TOKYO (Reuters) - Not even a blackout could put a damper on festivities at one Japanese aquarium where an electric eel is being used to light up its Christmas tree.
Two aluminum panels inside the eel's tank work as electrodes to catch its power. Cables attached to the panels supply the lights on the nearby tree with electricity.
Inventor Kazuhiko Minawa said it took him more than a month to devise a system that would effectively harness eel power.
"If we could gather all electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably giant Christmas tree," Minawa told Reuters Television.
Eels are widely eaten in Japan, especially in the summer, when their vitamin-rich flesh is seen as a way to regain stamina sapped by the heat.
The tree, which will stay illuminated until December 25, is proving a popular attraction, drawing tourists from all over the country. "I would love to have an eel like this at home. This is very nature-friendly," said visitor Harumi Yayoi.
(Reporting by Reuters Television; editing by Miral Fahmy)
(One other article mentions a copper electrode............)
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSSP27985020071213
Brando,yes, innovator of eel-ectricity...indeed yes. I recognized his genius years back when he suggested it, and I immediately put it forward to the MRL, as his project for the betterment of the people, indeed yes! And see too how today his project move forwards in to true realization......Brando.................and engineering genius, a pioneer in the field of energy generation, a pioneer in the field of electricity, of the generation,the safe generation, of green electricity,pretty much free eel-ectricity, but then life always throws you a PETA, they'll be marching now claiming cruelty to eels, cruelty for imprisoning eels..................................always the down side.
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M.R.L.'s Cow Methane Driven Cars
Secret Squirrel says how now Brown's cow...............what have we here? I have discovered an excellent system of highly efficient automobile fuel, and it's free......indeed have you got a cow man? Well? No? Haven't got a cow? Well....get one..........for your own backyard, and have free automobile fuel for the rest of your life!! Imagine, yes indeed the system is engineering genius,mine of course, and already proveable in operation, indeed provable and efficient as in the example of already on the road propane powered taxis,cars,buses,lorries(trucks).
Cows can produce 500 litres of methane every day...as opposed to your average cowboys who produces 1/2 to 3 litres per day..........(the latter being studies of Mexican cowboys on a bean diet).
So, gasoline cost $0.94cents per litre..........propane $0.42cents per litre....cow methane per litre cost.......zero. The cow can be kept in the backyard and allowed to graze, saving cost and effort of cutting the grass as well.......increasing the savings...........the cow also provides milk.........an added plus.......
Now a per trip values estimate, on gasoline a 600km trip,at 60 litres of gas per trip, on propane the same trip consumes 80 litres, but of much cheaper cost,nearly half, but with propane this drops to zero. As to distance, well the 600 km figure for the day is highly acceptable as a base rate.............even for say taxis. Now taxis,many, are already equipped with propane tanks.
All that remains is to substitute the cow collection methane plastic tank.............easily swapped in with a fresh tank as the cow produces it...imagine, researchers from Argentina were surprised to find that a single 550-kg cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions each day............more than enough for the day, and any excess production could be utilized for home cooking and heating uses,the barbie so plastic tanked as well. Indeed, these methane filled tanks can be used anywhere propane is presently utilized! Even yet trains could become methane cow powered. Imagine, The Iron Horse, becoming know as The Iron Cow!!The method of collection? Well the Argentines have been conducting experiments with cows to collect the methane they produce.
Little do they realize that that tank full of methane, could easily be substituted in vehicles for their already installed propane tanks(these tanks are housed in the boot(trunk), of the vehicles should they be of the passenger type, and other places for non passenger types,such as roofs for buses).! Well I can see you're thinking, how ridiculous it would be to drive about with a cow in the backseat producing methane for the car.......however,we don't need the entire cow, just the tank of methane it fills up, and indeed whilst driving on that tank, the cow could be in the backyard busily filling up yet another tank ready as needed! A truly efficient self-sustaining vehicular fuel energy system!Indeed, we are free! Free from fuel costs! Free to drive about as well please! free! Free! Free! And..the fuel supply is free as well!!
Well for a sureity the oil companies have gotten on to this, indeed at this very moment both pills,injections, and feed additives are being developed to stop cows from producing these massive free amounts of methane. The plot's afoot, I can sense Government and Big Business seeking to send my free fuel engineering system to ruination of the people.
But fear not, get a cow man! And get a methane collection tank! Convert your vehicle to propane driven, but wisely substitute a plastic methane tank swap system!!!!Free yourself!Get a cow,man!
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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The Rules For Dealing With The Ozone Problem
I,Secret Squirrel solve this,and any other political problem that confuses and either won't go away or is difficult to explain away as a non problem..................
Launch a public relations campaign disputing the evidence.
Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.
Find and pay a respected scientist to argue persuasively against the threat.
Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don't publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view.
Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your point of view as scientific fact.
Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken.
Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.
Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding.
Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.
Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken.
Argue that it is less expensive to live with the effects.
Secret Squirrel.
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
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