Keywords:defense,secret squirrel,invasion,chunnel,war,transport,air,
train,suicide,bombers,burkas,breasts,aircraft,car,vehicle
The MRL Solution To Prevent A Most Foreign Invasion of England Through Use Of The Chunnel
Secret Squirrel has been busy,studying ways and means to protect Britain from invasion through the Chunnel (The English Channel Tunnel),the thing so most feared that the Chunnel was nor bored through until this day as it were, in these times.Throughout history there have been fears of French invasions of England,Frenchman ,frog eating,snail eating,knarly pickley nosed Frenchman,wearing stripped jerseys, playing ridiculous accordions and saying "Comman,Comman,Comman",and so England invaded France many times in hopes of discouraging them.........but..........what goes around,comes around,and so from France,there even yet was a horrific,yet tiny little one, return invasion.But face it, they're so foreign and french that it was just enough..........too much as a matter of fact, getting them back home was a thunderously obnoxious task.............the men that is, the women could have stayed,it's just that there weren't any women in the french army you know,and what's an army without at least one bint(just look at the Spaniards,they were wise enough to have at least one on each ship, called a "Donna", and ours, we did have,al be it, Mr. Prostitute-it was believed on Britrish ships that it was bad luck to have a woman on board ship,mind you the Titanic proved that to be a scientific proof)................not even yet as
.............as....................as..................you know............well.........hang it all,they're all..............frenchmen,you know,et all.
Well now, how did it all start..typically.........Two centuries ago, the idea of a road tunnel was suggested to Napoleon during a brief peace between France and England in 1802. But war soon broke out again,of course...he couldn't wait.......They guessed that the chalk of Cap Blanc Nez ran under the sea all the way to the white cliffs of Dover - no-one really knew. They imagined horse-drawn carriages driving down a wood-propped tunnel like mines of the day, lit by candles,bringing troops in to England from France for their invasion.........but the idea existed only on paper, due to Napoleon's great problem, he couldn't hold his pants up long enough.
Then in 1869.......Frenchman Thomé de Gamond proposed a scheme,widely accepted in England and France. After making many hazardous solo dives to check the sea-bed, he proposed a rail tunnel, bored through the chalk which he believed ran below the sea-bed.Both countries agreed to work together on a joint tunnel scheme to bring them closer together,they'd become briefly friendly after the Franco-Prussian War.. Engineers began boring trial tunnels from both sides in 1881.
Two tunnel companies started digging seriously in 1881 from the cliffs between Dover and Folkestone, and west of Calais (Sangatte).
Technically, it was a success - driven by compressed air, the boring machines worked well, and there was so little flooding they only switched the pumps on for half a day every two weeks! Within the first year, each side had bored almost 2 km of tunnel, and they expected to complete a 7 foot diameter pilot tunnel across the Channel within 5 years.
The English,we, started on our side,E.W. Watkin promoted Low's scheme and work began at Abbot's Cliff with the excavation of a 7 foot diameter tunnel under the direction of F. Brady, using an early (Beaumont) tunneling machine, which completed 840 yards. It was the moved to Shakespeare Cliff where it completed a tunnel of 2020 yards under the sea towards Dover harbour.The French had completed near as much from their side.
However there was growing fear of French invasion...and so Parliament ordered,wisely, a halt to the project,
since it had aroused alarm amongst the British military, and in 1883, further building of the Tunnel was banned. The Tunnel company suggested (in vain) that, as a safeguard, they could install an inlet to the sea half-way along the tunnel! A soldier would be permanently on guard, ready to pull the plug if the French should try a surprise invasion! However, you know, Parliament well knew that guarding soldiers tended to sleep a lot, remembering the earlier French invasion when England had been asleep.They offered to build a fort guarding the tunnel entrance, and to wire it up with explosives ready to destroy the whole tunnel or flood it with seawater.....
It was no good! The British generals did not trust the French, and that was that. The French tunnelers gave up - believing the British would always be stubborn about staying as an "island fortress".In modern times some they preferred to be referred to as Free French(recall now, that things in french are reverse when traslated to the true English), but in Britain it was generally French Free(when the British Hugenot Inquisition came to Britain that was changed to French Fries).
However.................Present English governments have not learned their lessons from history, and went ahead with the new chunnel project...............and so.....we now have this under the channel tunnel link to France bringing a vast invasion of very foreign foreigners,most defiantely the toul mouthed,mannerless, and most froeign,French..............Onions said I............
It came to my mind that present governments had not seriously taken in to account such an invasion, and other invasions, but had ignored toatally all historical wisdoms and concerns for the safety of the people of England, safety from invasion. There is,for example, NO fort, and certainly not a single flood inlet from the sea to halt any invasion whatsoever. The ancientes in our history had at least take defenses in to consideration of any such tunnel project.Sad they haven't. Onions said I............
And so................I secretly started a study, hidden from ken and mind...............a study so secret that not even those who worked on it knew who was the penultimate source for their secret study.........the study of tunnel (and British), security from foreign invasion through and by the use of......The Chunnel................and so, here now for all to see, the completed work............how to stop a most foreign invasion of England from France(and Europe et all)..............a work completed entirely and conceived entirely by
The International Institute for Aerospace Survey and Earth Sciences (ITC), Centrum for Technical Geoscineces (CTG), Section Engineering Geology, Kanaalweg, Delft, the Netherlands.
Just look now at the direct outcome of the study..........
22 BILLION JARS CONTAINING ROUGHLY 707 BILLION ONIONS AT A COST OF APPROXIMATELY £18.8BN WILL BE REQUIRED TO COMPLETELY FILL THE TUNNEL AND PREVENT A FRENCH INVASION
How about the centuries’ fear of invasion? The scenario below estimates the required number of pickled onions to fill the tunnel network and cut England off from France in the event of an invasion. The calculation is based on the volumes of the two main tunnels, which are 3.8m in radius and are 50km long, and a service tunnel of 2.4m in radius, which runs parallel to the main tunnels.
Volume of two main tunnels:
3.142 * 3.8m * 3.8m * 50000m * 2 = 4577882 m3
Volume of service tunnel:
3.142 * 2.4m * 2.4m * 50000m * 1 = 913040 m3
If the volumes of connecting tunnels between the service tunnel and the main tunnels and pressure relief tunnels between the two main tunnels are considered...
3.142 * 1.65m * 1.65m * 20m * 134 = 22925 m3
3.142 * 1.0m * 1.0m * 15m * 202 = 9520 m3
(p * r2 * length * number of tunnels = volume)
The total volume adds up to 5.523367 million cubic metres. A quick look at the family jar of pickled onions shows that 32 onions occupy 250ml and that 22 billion jars containing a staggering 707 billion onions at a cost of approximately £18.8bn will be required to completely fill the tunnel and prevent a French invasion.
I am sure, each and every pub in England, stands at the ready to contribute, should the need arise, it's supply of pickled onions, to repel the most foul and foreign invaders!!!! Display your pickled onion jar proudly! Tout it! PLace itt in a glass case, labelled, "In Case Of Emergency,Break Glass."Not your beer mug you silly idiot!
And let me also point out.............that present governments, have NOT embarked on,nor can answer how, THEY would prevent a foreign invasion of England by the use of the Channel tunnel!!!!!!
The MRL! Secret Squirrel!Always Prepared!!
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),
Minister for Re-Deranged re-Engineering.
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Air Train
An M.R.L. Transportation Foreign Investment Review Proposal
The M.R.L. Air Train.......................
Secret Squirrel develops the soon to be famous, Air Train!!
Have you seen the latest BBC lack of intelligence report on the doings in France?? Well now.Here it commences "Air France eyes move to railways.
Air hostess serving food to Air France passenger.
Short-haul Air France passengers could soon be moving onto trains.So the headlines read,but what is the actual truth behind this...Secret Squirrel knows, and so too will you.
Air France is holding talks on a joint venture that could lead to it offering high-speed rail travel.
The airline confirmed reports it was discussing a possible tie-up with Veolia, a French utility firm that also runs several rail services.
Commentators suggest such a deal would enable the airline to cut fuel costs by moving some services onto the railways.
Under the plans Veolia would run trains from Air France's hub airport in Paris to other European destinations.
"We are reviewing the feasibility and possibility of such a project, but it is too early to discuss its terms," an Air France spokesman told the Reuters news agency.
The joint venture is likely to remain focused on international travel as, under European Union plans, legislation is set to free up the international rail passenger market in 2010.
Veolia has previously run public rail franchises in several countries worldwide under the now-defunct Connex brand. It now runs continental Europe's largest private freight service and several rail connections.
With significant improvements being made to the network of high speed rail routes in Europe the potential of such services is improving.
As it confirmed reports of the talks, Air France added it had been looking at launching its own rail links over the past four years as it had been unhappy with the service provided when it had bought rail seats off existing train operators....................................."
Here it ends...........................somewhat, but to every ending,there is a new beginning..............read on.
One recalls, as it brings to mind, the earlier proposal of a Skytrain, however ,they got it all wrong then as well............
Now here's what we,the people of England, those of the M.R.L., do..............
Initially this French idea will never work, the french being French, and all Frenchman equating, we will have the likes of Zarkosy et all looking for the trains at the airports...........in short, for the French this will just never work.
However, we, the English, know better, yes we in the MRL see an excellent investment opportunity. What we all do, is buy Air France from the French.We then also buy their rail system(we were forced to sell ours, the French will just have to be forced to sell theirs.....................we were forced to sell to the foreigners, we will force the French to sell to us foreigners.).
Now, we take the problematical French avions as they call them, lop off the wings, we then mount these on rail boggies and of course, sit'em on the rails, there we pull them by much more fuel economical train engines! Indeed yes, we can easily move hundreds of people by using a simple highly fuel efficient railroad engine!!Indeed to avoid confusion in
France, we simply abolish the Aeroports, or whatever they call them in French, and rename all the train stations to Aeroport or whatever so's not to confuse the French. That would also give us full control of the French rails and airline.
Also it is the best solution all round, fuel savings of absolutely enormous and unimaginable nature,comparing the fuel consumption of the former airliner versus the rail engine,and for the same number of passengers! The mind boggles!!
Less staff would be needed as train type travel is much more economical in terms of utilized and employed staff per unit train.Now they keep saying that airliners are much faster than trains....however, look now at this, one must first get to the airport via whatever means through heavy and slow traffic, time wasted. The time taken to check in and then, give them your baggage, the waiting to board the plane and leave, which is usually much much later than that stated, then on arriving at destination, disembarking, going to collect ones baggage, and then one must go through heavy traffic to ones final resting destination. Obviously there is a great saving in time using train like conditions.
Indeed, had not the government sold the rails to the most foul and extremely foreign foreigners, the same could be done in England should the M.R.L. be able to gain control of government.
(Remember,this proposal comes from Secret Squirrel, who realized at the time that the cabbage was the most useful currency in the U.S.S.R., that the government should start it's own cabbage farms, and hence purchase Aeroflot.......................but...........did they listen....................no...........the M.R.L. and the people of England, are forced to Labor on.................).
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged-Re-Engineering.
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M.R.L. Short Distance Travel Solution
Secret Squirrel has pondered short distance air travel problems.
Everyone has experienced some sort of discomfort on short trips,
county to county. If using airplane there is a problem now what
with security delays etc. making such flights a nuisance. Bus
skeds are seemingly never quite right with respect to departure
times, arrival times,return times etc.
However there is a solution to the problem, taken from available
technology from medieval times and from modern times.
The solution to these county to county travel trips is quite
simply a catapult, launching the traveler complete with his or
her luggage, and, at a suitable time in their flight, the proper
altitude of launch achieved, a para glider parachute opens
allowing the passenger to guide themselves to land, on their feet,
at quite the proper wished landing point.
Secret Squirrel
MRL
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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Secret Squirrel's Intelligence Gathering Report on So Called Burka Wearing Suicide Terrorist Bombers.
Secret Squirrel has discovered the actual truth behind burka bombers.It's actually fake breasts which are exploding due to rather interestng causes.
It has come to light that what have been attributed to terrorist suicide bombings are in fact actually not so. Indeed it has been surmised that it is a plot by the breast implant companies trying to hide defective breast implants. It has been suggested that the horrific explosions by these so-called silicon implants may be in part and possibly due to the inadvertent misuse,misapplication of the explosive known as plastique.....indeed that huge stockpiles of these plastique explosives were in fact used as breast implants.
It has been noted in intelligence circles and anybody else who can see, that the explosions involve those wearing burkas. Now in the Arab world burkas are worn by females, those who have......breasts. Undoubtedly the explosion of the implants can result from the immense buildup of heat associated with
1) the location of the things in question,
2) being inside hidden by a burka causing buildup of heat, and
3) being in an extremely hot climate magnifying the effects of the temperatures such that the plastique is caused to explode.
It is noted that the explosions taking place horrifically on the chest area do with horrendous effects cause the head of the person who exploded to fly off.This is a direct indication of sudden breast explosion, not suicide belts as have been formerly indicated. The belt is worn about the waist, and such an explosion would not and could not cause the head to fly off and the rest of the body to remain somewhat intact, but would in fact cause the explsion of the body to separate the body round and about the waist, the head could not possibly be made to fly off.
Now whilst there is no acknowledgement of such occurrences beyond the fact that people in burkas in Arab lands and elsewhere suddenly tend to explode spontaneously,it is advised that it is best to avoid persons wearing burkas for safety reasons. It also might be best to avoid those females who have these artificial breast implants, Pamela Anderson for example,Brittany Spears,church groups have condemned her wiggling and jiggling as provocatively explosive in its effects on society, Jennifer Anniston for another.......assuming you have one brain cell left.......while they do not wear burkas, there has been discussion and theoretical ponderings that they may suddenly explode in an aircraft for example, should there be a sudden loss of pressure in the aircraft, the explosive decompression theory that such breast would rapidly expand resulting in a horrific and shattering explosion affecting those around them in similar fashion to the sudden explosion burka events.
Indeed it is proveable that some aircraft have suffered catastrophic explosive decompressions. How in the world can a small hole shatter an airliner so completely? Nay! Not by the event and the hole itself, but by the sympathetic explosive detonation of a pair of false breasts.Yet more proof...........The first airline to have a credible plan to transport its passengers to outer space, is Virgin Galactic. The airline has identified a potential risk factor for space travel. According to a Virgin Galactic spokesperson:
Bosses fear the implants may expand and burst due to cabin pressure, according to The Sun.
Better safe than sorry........be warned...........be very warned.
They're here........now......they're real..their breasts are not, remember the so-called Hollywood Hot Spot.....laden with females with fake breasts....they're there, beside you, perhaps they stewardess, she's bending over in front of you, there they are....waiting to explode out..............there in Arab lands.............a burka approaching........
Be very very warned.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
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M.R.L. Approved British Made Car Prototype
Secret Squirrel here suggests a cost effective British built car,a vehicle of the future,today!Yes, Britain can return to car manufacture!!The Most Cost Effective Vehicle Ever!!
Secretly in a local Shanghai suburb, one man has created what has to be one of the most cost effective automobiles ever. China was chosen for the British car prototype due to the immense secrecy which can only be achieved in China, imagine American Automobile manufacturers attacking this latest threat to their former domination of the vehicular market.
The car has a very simple design, basically a bunch of wood scraps tied together with wire, four wheels, and a seat that can barely fit one person.
An open frame allows for a nice breeze, so an air conditioner is not required, and it even has a headlight.
No word on the gas mileage this things gets, but all in all the vehicle is pretty impressive, and fuel mileage will be dependent on the engine finally selected for the production vehicle, and will be available in economical single and much more powerful dual cylinder, four stroke and two stroke engine versions but on our budget it is anticipated to be very much like a lawnmower engine painted red.
Production models will be modified to include a convertable roof, and expanded by use of a tow ball to tow a trailer to increase versatility, and also allow for use of said trailer as a Rumble/Jump seat.
All that remains, what with the collapse of the American car manufacturers, is to jump in to an ever expanding market with a suitable British made production version.
-Secret Squirrel.
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