Keywords:Britain,car,income,tax,war,fuels,safety,aircraft,weights,measures,global,warming,secret squirrel,Bath,floods,dykes
M.R.L. On Income Tax
Secret Squirrel here tackles the income tax problem,and ends war,both at the same time!! How? Well,Income Tax was announced in 1798, and introduced in 1799, as a means of paying for the war against the French forces under Napoleon. France was threatening to invade, and had already landed briefly in Wales and Ireland. For much of his campaigns from 1795,Napoleon was better organized than the British forces. The cost of war had drained Britain’s resources, and run up a considerable national debt. The army was starving, and poor conditions in the navy in 1797 had led to mutiny.William Pitt the Younger was Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer from 1783,and needed greater ‘aid and contribution for the prosecution of the war’.
‘Certain duties upon income’ as outlined in the Act of 1799 were to be the (temporary)solution. It was a tax to beat Napoleon. Income tax was to be applied in Great Britain(but not Ireland) at a rate of 10% on the total income of the taxpayer from all sources above £60, with reductions on income up to £200.
In Canada...............
The First World War had mostly been financed by traditional means, but in 1917, a tax
on income was introduced as a temporary measure to fund the war. The income tax has
since become a permanent feature of the Canadian tax system.
Hence, logic dictates that income taxes fund war, income taxes were created to fund
war...................we in the M.R.L. do not approve of war, and hence will eliminate
income taxes such that wars cannot be funded, hence eliminating war.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
......................................
MRL Methods To Increase Vehicle Fuel Efficiency
Secret Squirrel takes on the problem of increasing vehicle fuel efficiency and solves it!
Limit weight of passengers to below 150lbs.(10.7 stone, or 68.1kg)(also invest in a
diet plan company).
Decrease the length of the mile(km).
Increase size of vehicle fuel tanks.
Encourage the convoy system of traveling.....such as driving closer to the vehicle in
front of you to increase the vacuum effects of the front vehicle sucking you along in
its wake(this is prevalent nowadays on the German Autobahn anyway,merely an application
of it............note this is not called tail gating as tailgating involves a picnic
anywhere in particular and an alcohol fueled party fed of a truck tailgate or car boot).
Remove road obstacles such as hills, by leveling the hills, or using tunnels. Where
this is not possible............increase the ramp run up of the hill on the approach
side only, and leave a sharper incline on the downside to increase road efficiency.
Since air conditioners for vehicles are said to increase fuel consumption, all vehicles
must be made to be of the convertible or open cab variety, with fully openable windows
as available.Hence vehicle air conditioners will be dispensed with.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...............................
MRL Improves Aircraft Safety And Reliability.
Secret Squirrel has taken on the problem of aircraft safety and reliability.
Sadly the tragedy of the loss of another Air France plane points to several factors of failure, failure involving major electrical system causing the failure of the most important thing,avionics, the so called instruments in front of the pilot. Obviously something must be done about this dependency on electrically powered computers aboard airplanes. Pilots cannot fly without their instruments to guide them in certain things to do with flying. Now, the pilot is perfectly capable of looking out the windscreen and seeing where he is going. However, should his instruments fail,such as occurred to the Air France aircraft as electrical system commenced a cascading failure, the pilot may become disoriented and so cause the airplane to crash. However there is something which can be used to replace certain critical instruments in the airplane's cockpit, efficiently and reliably,there is something which cannot fail to help the pilot fly IFR safely at ALL times.
THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF IFR FLYING
Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which one.
The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.
Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary.
Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will therefore be more dependable.
Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane.
Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies.
Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
The M.R.L. And The Kilogram Weight Mystery
Secret Squirrel has discovered a discrepancy in Britain's weights and measures,a problem with the actual weight determination,and,being one of the great solvers of mystery and theory, being no slouch at problem solving, especially one involving theory,mystery, and engineering,Secret Squirrel has done just that.
Mass effect
Why a kilogram no longer weighs the same as it used to In a heavily-guarded, subterranean vault on the outskirts of Paris is a lump of metal about the size of a plum.Rumor has it that the weight was arrived at by the employment of the mummified missing left ball of Napoleon,who died in 1821.
The object, along with a clutch of copycat cylinders, was forged in London in the 1880s,the English having been victorious,and wanted to find some sort of constructive use for the frenchman,whom, you recall, laid claim to be an engineer.
The international prototype was found to no longer have the same mass as the other cylinders. And, since then, the drift has continued.
The drift is less than the mass of a grain of sugar
Here Theory One explains the loss.....sort of.........
Theory 1,The Scientific Explanation
(After reading this you won't allow Americans to engineer anything for you,believe you me,far too much politics involved).
"Relative to the average of all the sister copies made over the last 100 years you could say it is losing weight, but by definition it can't," explained Dr Richard Steiner of the National Institute of Standards and technology (NIST) in the US. "So the others are really gaining mass."
Aha!Uttered Idiocy!
There are,however, other theories.........and two converge,
Theory 2a
The Futurama theory that the metals are similar to the poplars,that they are life forms(and as such shouldn't be eaten either.......lest we incur the wrath of Lrrr).Recall there is much mention of this kilogram thing telling weights,in short speaking, as poplars finally did.
Theory 2b
The Doctor Who theory 2b,a theory which he uses for most strange and ugly things that move or sit there mysteriously,the theory he uses for most strange things..........which converges,oddly, but what can you really expect, with Theory 1a..............that the cylinders are alive,they are life forms. So what is actually occurring is natural aging of the cylinders, the older cylinder is decreasing in size, shrinking, loosing weight, whilst the younger siblings are reaching middle age bulge, becoming fatter, putting on more weight
Of course there is yet another theory ,my own as a matter of fact.
Theory 3
Now this obviously hasn't occurred to any body there evidently....it's simply loss of mass and weight due to the tear and wear of handling over 127 years.I'm for Theory 3 myself
On To Problem Solving
This is certainly a weighty matter,but it has a solution, or rather several which present themselves.Now, we can make a new original one from the copies and use that. Or we can use one of the copies as the new original one and trash the real original to the recycle bin.
But wait, there is one more solution. Since we never had problems in Britain with weights and measure till the attempted abandonment of the system of the English system of pound wish,penny pinched(the Euros have done that to use as well)...........it is simply that the butcher's thumb on the scale reckoned in, we use the pound weight, rename that to kilogram for the Euros if they wish and the problem is solved. And, since we don't want a problem with the grams, we rename those to ounces before any problem arises there.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
...................................
MRL Plan To Profitably Reduce Effects of Global Warming
The problem of global warming has warmed the heart of Secret Squirrel,and Secret Squirrel has decided to assist in reducing it's effects,and so save humanity.
Some scientists and people, are worried about the ice caps melting,due to the effects of global warming,with the resultant massive flooding of seacoast areas. Of course ways have been pondered to reduce the global warming, hence
reduce the melting and the effects of melting of the ice caps. However, there is a constructive,productive and lucrative method of assisting in this.................what we do is simply to build ice mining and melting and bottling establishments in the arctic regions..........that's right, mine, melt the ice, then purify,bottle it, and sell the bottled water! Grand! All Europe requires bottled water as the city supplies are in shoddy contaminated and disease spreading states hence there is a huge market for it. Indeed yes, also, Britain itself could make use of such a vast and unquenchable supply through a national publicly owned for shares utility and so reduce the effects of the profit hunger money grabbing privatized companies so shoddily managing and profiteering over Britain's own water supply, selling it back to the British people and such exorbitant rates!Also,the product could be sold to the Arabs in exchange for oil, barrel for barrel as it were, that'd make gas as cheap as water for us,or at least should were it not the present mostly foreign oil profiteering companies!! Indeed I strongly suspect rumours of this project has already been espied by certain nations, noticeably the Chinese,Russians and Americans who have staked huge claims to vast areas of the antarctic when they got the merest rumour that such an enterprise had been proposed,and indeed, possibly already existed.Indeed this entrepreneurial endeavour solves the issue of oil pricing, and European water supply, and reduces the effects of Global warming as well.............We in the MRL must push forwards such an enterprise to properly utilize the Falkland Islands Antarctic territorial claim area and turn over an excellent profit while at the same time reducing global warming.
Secret Squirrel,
MRL,
Minister for Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
.................................
The Great Plan For The True City Of BATH
Secret Squirrel has studied the effects of floods, and has decided to use Bath as his flood model city soundly protected by,and surrounded by,dykes, ending it's flooding problems forever.
The Americans have gone about things all wrong, they built a reverse of Venice a city below
the sea with levees and pumps to keep the water out,and so attract vast amounts of tourists.
Well so much for their technological and engineering abilities, but it did attract a vast
amount of touring disaster relief workers and soldiers.
The time is right to reveal the previously secret plan to improve tourism in the
City of Bath, the completion of the City Plan of Bath, the Great Plan, by The Great
Engineer.The true plan hidden in The Da Vinci Code, the plan which was meant for Britain,
NOT the Americans ,the Great Gift, of The Great Engineer, the Great Leonardo Da Vinci.
it is left to me to take on the Great Task, reveal what is truly revealed in the Great
Da Vinci Code.
Unlike the Americans, who were very confused and couldn't read the code right,
we shall go about things properly. Round and about the City Of Bath,on Avon,
carefully following the plans of the Great Engineer,
We shall construct huge dykes! These dykes will suitably block off the noise of the highways
that surround it, and will serve to keep the water in, the water of the River Avon, which
we shall pump IN to the city to create a modern tourist attracting Venice Come Brighton,
in Britain.
Now we shall not have to travel Italy to endure the bad manners and idiotic behaviour of the
Italian.We can also attract the French who will come to Bath, or not as the case may be
depending on their time of year.
Most definitely this is a plan which shall hold water.Sutch is it that we
will create a true City Of Bath, the Bath of Britain. Brighton look out.People who visit Bath
will be able to get along swimmingly,merrily swimming through it's streets, creating a
swimmingly great holiday city.
Indeed, we shall be prepared. We shall regularly inspect the dykes to see that they do
NOT spring leaks, rather shoring them up.thicker and ever thicker,should such an event
ever threaten to occur, and our pumps shall have their own generators to see to it that
they continue to function and pump the needed water in to Bath.Also, we shall further bolster
the generators with wind driven generators to keep the pumps powered in high wind and storm
conditions such that the City Of Bath will be able to hold it's water. Indeed we will
install such wind driven generators outside the city walls, Sutch that they will appear
to be windmills, reminding people of Holland. People who fancy Sutch an environment will
also be able to visit Bath, thus capturing the tourist market of those who would have
headed for holidays in Venice and Holland!Incontinence will not be tolerated in that city,
there will be NO leaks in it's plans.
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.
Minister of Re-Deranged Re-Engineering
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