Secret Squirrel says NO! To War!!War, good God yu’all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.it means destruction Of innocent lives War means tears to thousands of mothers eyes When their sons go to fight and lose their lives.War, friend only to the undertaker. It’s an enemy to all mankind.War is destructive, not only of people and property, but also of common decency. I have offered other solutions to avoid war, as in not go to war or not have war.The incumbent oily governments have not listened to my incredably sound ideas on ending this repugnant thing, this war business.Here view the methods I have and had proposed, obviously rejected but ridiculously inadequate governments.
1) The first was to send androids/robots/cyborgs/Boilerplates in place of actual men, but alas and alack,present day governments(non MRL governments) have either ignored this or have lagged behind dragging their feet on the development of these,preferring to participate in wars and send men to die to do so.To further elaborate,I had pondered the problems of war, and concluded they’re rather messy things.Some it seems wish to go and invade other places, to rule those places, simply because they’re better than…………..others invade because they’re ignorant and lacking abilities or things such as minerals…………others have nothing better to do………..and so most are forced to defend themselves. For those forced to defend themselves, it is costly, in terms of human lives,messy as well. I have pondered this and in my researches have found something
rather interesting. I discovered, or rather, re-discovered, BOILERPLATE.Boilerplate was a mechanical man developed by Professor Archibald Campion during the 1880s and unveiled at the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition.Built in a small Chicago laboratory, Boilerplate was originally designed as a prototype soldier for use in resolving the conflicts of nations. Although it was the only such prototype, Boilerplate was eventually able to exercise its
proposed function by participating in several combat actions.In the mid-1890s, Boilerplate embarked on a series of expeditions to demonstrate its abilities, the most ambitious being a voyage to Antarctica. Boilerplate is one of history’s great ironies, a technological milestone that remains largely unknown. Even in an age that gave birth to the automobile and aeroplane, a functioning mechanical man should have been accorded more significance.Indeed what I proposed to do, was to revive,recreate,or create the BOILERPLATE project, and create ROBOT WARS……….quite simply, we will never again send humans out to fight barbaric wars, but rather we will send ROBOTS……………………we will send………….BOILERPLATES. It’s really the only civilized thing to do for uncivilized conditions. I’m sure there isn’t a British mother,or mother of any other nation, who won’t thank me,I,Secret Squirrel, who wish only the best for you,for them, for their sons and daughters et all!For all of you! Well the New Labour government of the day,Tony Blair’s government it was in those days,nor the one of Gordon Brown,wouldn’t listen to me,they nary lend me an ear (they couldn’t afford to what with the expenses scandal).
2) Well, there was a second solution proposed, that of abolishing income tax. You see the original income tax was put forward to fund wars and never removed since the governments of the day and today(not MRL), have taken a fancy to this war tax and going to war.To further elaborate income tax and it’s very deviant development. Income Tax was announced in 1798, and introduced in 1799, as a means of paying for the war against the French forces under Napoleon. France was threatening to invade, and had already landed briefly in Wales and Ireland. For much of his campaigns from 1795,Napoleon was better organized than the British forces. The cost of war had drained Britain’s resources, and run up a considerable national debt. The army was starving, and poor conditions in the navy in 1797 had led to mutiny.William Pitt the Younger was Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer from 1783,and needed greater ‘aid and contribution for the prosecution of the war’.‘Certain duties upon income’ as outlined in the Act of 1799 were to be the (temporary)solution. It was a tax to beat Napoleon. Income tax was to be applied in Great Britain(but not Ireland) at a rate of 10% on the total income of the taxpayer from all sources
above £60, with reductions on income up to £200.
In the colony of Canada……………
The First World War had mostly been financed by traditional means, but in 1917, a tax on income was introduced as a temporary measure to fund the war. The income tax has since become a permanent feature of the Canadian tax system.
Hence, logic dictates that income taxes were born out of war, to fund war,yes,income taxes were created to fund war……………….I,Secret Squirrel, and we in the M.R.L. do not approve of war, and hence will eliminate income taxes such that wars cannot be funded, hence eliminating war.But again, the New Labour government would not lend me
an ear. Nay, the preferred to keep income tax and hence war.War mongering swine, they hang on to the very end of evolution.
3) And then also,I also suggested a third,simply having a Paintball War in it’s place,an alternative to this rather messy quest for oil…..err……….war business. It might be arranged and negotiated worldwide by an M.R.L. government, such that our and other nations present magnificent warriors need not die. In fact it could be set up that each nation that wishes to war over some issue or other, send a selected fixed number team, and
the other opposing nation do the same, to an appointed suitable for warfare, dueling ground.Now instead of weapons, these lads would be given a flag to defend,suitably, and sent to Duke it out, as it were(Oh my, I’ve found a use for the idle aristocracy).The rules of course, will be similar to capture the flag but as the requirement is to have a war there will be an equal numbered army, and thence be armed as paintball gun equipped warriors, and sent out, to duel,to an obviously painted victory. To the victor go the spoils, yes
indeed the other nation surrenders.Of course paintball weapons are preferred over the supersoakers,which were considered, as it’s much easier to tell hits and things rather than stand and declare war over who shot who first where,when and how badly.This will do away with all that messy killing, the need for surface and submerged warships,war aircraft, surface military vehicles etc. resulting in an immense saving in fuels and oils.There will be
a winner,and a loser.So it goes. Finality,rules adhered to,for the loser,surrender is the only option.To the victor, go the spoils. no one gets hurt,
no harm done, a winner a looser, abide by the outcome.But it seems there was fear in the government about going to war in such a condition, the outcome being so very final.They regarded it as a game,a game in which there was the possibility of …………….Loss………..Surrender………Finality.The government of the day would have none
of it, the possibility of simple loss irked them.I’d even yet pondered and covered what was to be done with the army itself now that there would be no war to keep them employed.
Now as for the military as having been a major source of employment, well what was the military can now be given shovels and as a work army sent out to dig roads and whatever else needs be done for the good of the general public…picking up trash………..cutting lawns and tending gardens for the elderly etc, employed just as they were, but not to mostly sit about as layabouts,as most all do nowadays unless there’s an increase in demand for global oil, but to do useful things for the nation.
And so I further pondered the problem of ending war, and have come up with a fourth (4th),course of action.In all finality,it has came to this,in my ponderings,the fact that well it was said, “War is Hell”.Well, we can’tmake it Heaven,and we can’t continue to send our brave young men to Hell, nay it is the government of the day (not MRL), which can go to Hell if it likes to. What I propose to do, is to make NOT going to war, absolute
Heaven, this would make the army (et all armed forces herewith further referred to as army)far less WILLING to go to war. So what needs be done, what modern reforms of the military must be accomplished such that an existant army will not want to go to war?
1) Food, diet. Here we have two alternatives, they have a choice, full vegetarian diet, this will reduce their weight, and sap their strength such that they cannot possibly carry their field equipment, and finding it too hard would spend their time struggling and straggling with it such that going to war on any kind of march would be utterly out of the question. The second alternative diet, high fat….in short they’ll pile on the lard such that the virtually same affect is achieved, but due to their high bulk weight(personally I think these will be the happier lot, and probably will regard those vegetarians as so many nutters).Always nice to have a choice.
2) We go to the Priesthood, the Chaplaincy to council and preach to the troops, preach to the troops the religious gospels of universal peace and love for all,teaching,the Chaplains in the army must tend to their religious beliefs, and encourage the religious beliefs of the army, mainly to teach and preach religion to the army, that killing and maiming is evil, unnecessary, despised of by God,and that it is much better to make love not war.
The Chaplains can teach the religious belief it is much better to love the enemy in and after whatever fashion,although,perhaps, it best be not unwisely and too well, and history has shown that many victorious armies have put that very principle in to practice,(the unwisely and too well part)all be it after a successful war,a sort of rite of celebration as it were, including pillaging and whatever as they shall soon get to it….the pillaging part not the……….err…………err…..never mind.
3)Well now, the old adage,”Make love not war!”,remembered from my hippy daze, certainly holds true,yes, a roll in the hay is worth much more than a roll in the mud of a battlefield any day of the week, and certainly those who have gone to war and know it have mentioned this as well.In the old days when there was a war, there was much much
pillage and rape for example.Pillage enriched the warriors, and rape,well satisfied them.The Japanese even brought things farther along and yet recruited those they called comfort women to comfort soldiers,at least the Japanese soldiers.This was also done in the American Union Army, recall the tented girls of General Hooker who camped out on 13th Street in Washington,D.C., to the satisfaction of the Union Army, and displeasure of President Lincoln who may have been,in actuality, a Eunuch………..but this Japanese technique of bringing the girls to battle only served to encouraged wars and the going to war.What we must do, is see to it that our soldiers pay is raised to at least comparable levels with those on welfare in Canada,so that the urge to go to war,risking death and maiming, to pillage is seen as utterly ridiculous,and totally out of the question,in short they’d have money to spend, freely,and could then spend it in and after a lovingly
fashion, as you’ll see.Now further to things ,recall certain European nations have legalized prostitution, well,so this job is now accepted,and legal, and so socially governmentally acceptable. So we must then legalize prostitution for the army and see to it women are recruited to that level of achievement,err rank.Quite simply the Canadian Army has thousands with the rank of sappers, generally acknowledging that the vast majority who go to the army are just that, saps. We can give the women a sort of comparable rank of say…Sackers.That will certainly sooth the savage beast,give’em a choice, either go to war or spend time in the sack with a comfortable woman,and a legal one at that!!! Now what else is to be done, look after their entertainment, after all idle hands make for work of the
devil…
4) Recreation, the lads must have rest and recreation. This can easily be achieved by having camps of sorts, resorts for them,on beach fronts,near to casinos and piers, in such lands as say Holland or Denmark where,you know, girls have been legalized. And so, all work and no play, has been dealt with by a fine and long R&R (Rest and Recreation)
vacation package for them. We could also offer say a cheaper version, if the budget couldn’t afford this, of merely sending the lads to Sweden, where they could go door to door, knocking to visit the very bored and unsatisfied wives(as reported in so many surveys of them) of Swedes who are off working. And so the lads could have a jolly good knocked up vacation. Of course,with either vacation package, this would be interspersed with visits to pubs round and about, a sort of I&I (Intoxification and Intercourse).
5) After such a stay, the lads may be keyed up on their return And so they must be further trained,trained to the rigors of life in bivouac conditions, roughing it, deprivational therapy,now off the fine and fancy foods, on to rations, no baths etc etc etc that army life had PREVIOUSLY presented and life which a war environment would present. Yes, from Hotel like accommodation, to the swine swill pit of degradation, quite a contrast to sharpen
their minds.After a suitable time, mandatory teaching of meditation by master sargeants, to let the men concentrate on the fine life they had versus the harsh reality of the war environment.
6) Further staff sergeants teaching sensitivity to the soldiers such as accepting the enemies customs, or at least tolerating them. After all what results in wars is America’s wish to bring American behavior to the rest of the world,and so too their soldiers wish to do the same, thinking they are doing the world a favor by substituting theirs, which is anathema to the religious beliefs,customs, and habits of the people of the world generally,even to their their style of dress for example.Nay, we must encourage toleration and acceptance of others. We just can’t simply go shooting people in wars because they
won’t buy nor wear our brand of pants. Commanding officers must teach their men, encourage them, in the ways and paths of peace, and so vastly reduce their willingness to go to war.
7) We must encourage the army to accept people as they are,why just look at what the American General Honore did, in New Orleans, instructing his men NOT to shoot looters, and so he made a pacifist example of himself in refusing to give them the order to do so, and then ran about picking up and kissing their babies…….a much better task than killing people!!
8) And,finally, all guns and ammunition are to be kept securely locked up at all times, thus keeping temptation out of the view of the army, resulting in a psychological advantage towards not going to war, the weapons and instruments of war removed from temptation, and reminding them of their vulnerability, again encouraging a pacifist attitude in the army.If they exhibited any urge towards the use of weapons, we would simply direct this energy
towards war games, affected with paintball guns, and so effectively work out of their system any form of misguided, misdirected aggression, in a calm,peaceful,and utterly harmless fashion.
So, all these things being accomplished, should ever anyone attempt to send the army to a ridiculous war, the army would have absolutely no encouragement to do so. In short, it takes two to fight a war, one cannot simply war with oneself, and so, there would be no war, not today, not any other day.
http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/M/monkeeslyrics/monkeeszorandzamlyrics.htm
(Quote)
The Monkees
Zor And Zam, Lyrics
(Original)
The king of Zor, he called for war
And the king of Zam, he answered.
They fashioned their weapons one upon one
Ton upon ton, they called for war at the rise of the sun.
Out went the call to one and to all
That echoed and rolled like the thunder.
Trumpets and drums, roar upon roar
More upon more.
Rolling the call of “Come now to war.”
Throughout the night they fashioned their might
With right on the side of the mighty.
They puzzled their minds plan upon plan
Man upon man
And at dying of dawn the great war began.
They met on the battlefield banner in hand.
They looked out across the vacant land.
And they counted the missing, one upon one,
None upon none.
The war it was over before it begun.
Two little kings playing a game.
They gave a war and nobody came.
And nobody came.
And nobody came.
And nobody came.
And nobody came.
[repeat and fade]
(unquote)
Secret Squirrel,
M.R.L.,(MP,Dunny On The Wold),
Minister For Re-Deranged Re-Engineering.
No comments:
Post a Comment